Week 6: Somebody Call Timeout So Matt Ryan Can Circumcise This Poor Phillipino Child

Ahhhhh. Finally. The bag is restored into its rightful hands. And not a moment too soon. With all that's been happening, I admit to having wondered why God was treating me like a maximum security prison bitch. Why give man free will, and then willfully surround him with misery?

What is this misery I speak of, anyway? First (as always), there were the Cubs. Even in Chicago, with its perfectly hedged sports portfolio of Bulls and Bears, the Cubs found a way to crater, S&P-style. Then the real S&P did its job, and turned my plan to retire within the next 75 years to angel dust. And then just as the world was coming to terms with the loss of Paul Newman, whose ironic, salad-dressing-powered racecar changed auto sports forever, the Gators stole the world stage with another loss to a team from Mississippi. Amazing what gets forgotten in the wake of a national tragedy.

But things are looking up now, aren't they? Come on, aren't you a little bit comforted to know I'm back in my rightful position on top of the standings, and that you are one week closer to puking a stomach-full of shots into a trash bag? For you, the discomfort of losing is simply an unpleasant side-effect of the world spinning back onto its axis. It reminds me of when you learned that, offstage, Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street weren't cuddly little homo-puppets, but actually crazy-ass gangstas. There was the twinge of disappointment in knowing that Bert and Ernie weren't pusing those twin beds together at night, but you loved imagining Enrie hanging out the passenger side with his Tec-9 on Sesame Street after sundown, clipping any puppet who stepped.

Speaking of things that aren't gay, can we talk about my boy Matt Ryan for a quick sec? 22 of 30 for 301 yards against JASON and the Bears. He's passed for 1,200 yards already on the season and gets better each week. If his receivers didn't freebase before games, he might have twice that production. I don't know if Matt Ryan castrates circumcises Philippino children in the off-season, but in every other respect he is Tebow-esque.

And how about my other quarterback, Donovan McNabb? 23 of 36 last week for 280 yards and a couple TDs. And that's with the Bradley effect. Consider too, how predictable the Eagles' offense is - if Philadelphia ran that crazy Wildcat formation, McNabb could castrate Philippino children during the game while producing like 8,000 yards of total offense. Hell, McNabb could castrate African lions, freebase coke, send dirty text messages to Alycia Lane, mail a crate of Little Debbies to Phil Fulmer, and make a speech to his kid's Career Day at school, all while gaining 16,000 yards in the Wildcat offense.

Some men, you just can't reach.