GB2K8: For Whom The Bag Tolls

The results are in!

 

Ryan 20-11-1

Jason 20-12

Randie 19-13

Lenny 7-25

 

I will let bag bet veterans put this year's photo finish in its proper historical context, but I can't imagine a season ever delivering a more nail-biting final weekend than this one. Second place overtaking first place in the year's final weekend to win by a half-game, to say nothing of three people entering the weekend with a chance to win - wow! Historians will be poring over box scores and statistics for generations to come, trying to understand exactly how this went down.

 

From my perspective, I would say that like all great sports comeback stories, this one was about heart, or really lack of it. Jason's Bears are a classic no-heart team that became a lock to lose once a playoff bid was on the line. The Bears defense managed to fall apart completely against a Houston team with absolutely nothing to play for. Then my Eagles faced off against a team with possibly even less heart - the Cowboys - and delivered a historic drilling. Has a team as good as Dallas ever brought less to a game with everything on the line? Former Boston College QB Matt Ryan, a perfect package of heart and talent, appropriately finished the comeback job for my bag squad.

 

Matt Ryan, by the way, will never be mentioned as part of a bag bet write-up again - this guy is absurdly real, like a Dan Fouts / Doug Flutie love child. I know that scientists say it's not anatomically possible to make a baby through the back-door, but if there are two guys who could make a baby via copious anal sex, my money is on Doug Flutie and Dan Fouts.

 

For the record, Randie had a nice close-out week with the aforementioned Texans, along with a big step-up by Baltimore to push themselves into the playoffs. And the Dolphins' historic turn-around is a wallop of a consolation prize for Randie, and a reason for me to care about the NFL playoffs for the first time in years. Really, Randie is the biggest loser in all this - normally, you're feeling great with an 11-5 bag team and another at .500. Not this year.

 

Lenny... simply abysmal. A classic draft day boner in selecting his favorite team turned out just as poorly as expected. And then amazingly, in an era of complete and total NFL media over-saturation, the awfulness of the Rams is actually an under-reported story. Maybe because they won their one nationally televised game, or maybe because every NFL writer on the awfulness beat has been focused exclusively on the Lions, the Rams really haven't gotten their due. This team lost 10 in a row to close out a 2-14 season - ouch.

 

Still, even as we shake our heads over Lenny's draft day decisions, we still have to give him some props, because Lenny's foolishness ultimately was rooted in the deepest kind of love. I'm not talking about the Dan Fouts on Doug Flutie type of love (strong as it very well may be), I'm talking about love of team, the purest and strongest form of love that can be found anywhere in nature. And of the Raiders, no less! But foolishness is foolishness, and everybody knows a fool and his bag are rarely parted.

 

Look for details to come on Bag Payoff 2009. Gonna be hot like Bristol Palin and cool like Dan Quayle.

So here we are entering the last week of the season and I'm almost at the summit!

 

After weeks of trailing by a half a game or so I have finally pulled into first place.

 

Standings:

Jason

Miami 10-5
Chicago 9-6
19-11

 

Ryan

Atlanta 10-5       

Philly 8-6-1
18-11-1


Randie

Baltimore 10-5
Houston 7-8
17-13

Lenny

Oakland 4-11
St. Louis 2-13
6-24

 

So if the Dolphins and the Bears play like they really want the playoffs and take care of business against the Jets and Texans I will be Overlord in my first season in the bet!  Ryan can claim the crown if one of my teams slips up and his Falcons and Eagles win.  The Eagles have an especially difficult task of defeating the Cowboys who still can make the playoffs with a win.  Randie can shock the world and still pass us both if both my teams and Ryan's lose, and his Texans and Ravens win.  The tiebreaker between the two of us would then be total points.  Randie's teams currently have 693 and mine have 672.  Lenny, well, he can take advantage of this December sale.....

 

And where's that guest write-up you have been promising?

 

In other news, when I found out that Shawn was at last week's Patriots game and then later heard that a drunken fan ran onto the sidelines to administer a love-tackle to his favorite player, Junior Seau, I could help but think that he might have been involved. 

 

 

Anyone heard from him?

No no there is in fact a week 14 write up Mr. Fear. Sorry to disappoint the twelve (albeit loyal) readers last week. I thought I won the write up but lost it on points to Ryan. So I sat around all week waiting to be dazzled only to be disappointed. Fast forward a week to an email saying sorry for last week, I was too busy. So that's like 3 red flags for Ryan, 1.5 for Jason (you only get half credit for your first one) and 1 for me. Lenny's the only one not in the penalty but then again he's only won one week this year and has three write ups in the past three years or something like that. I called Sven out a couple of weeks ago asking him to dazzle us with his special brand of baggage but apparently he also is too busy. So we're all too busy. Did FShawn know something we didn't? Poor Boe Boe got bombarded with write ups last year and still managed to deliver the goods despite taking time away from planning his takeover of the world. Grrrr. I promised myself not to turn this into a bag-bashing.

So what's going on this week? Fucking Arizona clinched? What the? I guess it helps when the rest of your division has a .231 winning percentage. I'm so proud of those guys. They're in the GB Ring of shame for having participated for so many years and now they get to the playoffs. Been a long time coming. Speaking of Ring of Shame, I for one am pulling for the Lions to go winless. How fucked up is the world when you're so desperate you have to pull the 40 out of Culpepper's firm grip and throw him behind center? Anyway I hate the fact that the Bucs are the only team to do it and hope the Lions set a new standard in futility this year.
In other sporting news, Yanks get Sabathia. Haha. Sorry we're filthy loaded. Actually I'm not sorry. Awesome comment by a sportswriter saying the 7 year $160M deal is roughly the GDP of Madagascar. Apparently they're not done yet either. Go Yankees! Oh yeah I made the playoffs in 2 out of the three fantasy leagues I play in. Of course I came in dead last with two wins in that league (the biggest $$$ league) but whatever. Contrary to popular belief, it's not about the Benjamins. It's about the trophy plaque. It's about talking smack! Realistically it's about dumb luck. You never know who is going to step up and each year it's someone new. Matt Forte? Michael Turner? They came out of nowhere. I was "that guy" who took Brady in the first round. I know others who pinned similar hopes to the LTs of the league. Most of the top 10 RBs right now were 2nd and 3rd rounders or more. So yeah, dumb fucking luck, just glad it's going my way. Good luck to all in your fantasy playoffs unless of course, you're playing me.


Standings:

Ryan

Philly 7-5-1
Atlanta 8-5
15-10-1

Jason

Miami 8-5
Chicago 7-6
15-11

Randie

Baltimore 9-4
Houston 6-7
15-11

Lenny

Oakland 3-10
St. Louis 2-11
5-21


Holy shitballs. Three way tie in wins for first place. Figures. Last year I rock the Fish and end up in the bag. This year had I had a bit more faith I'd be all alone in first. Fucking shameful!  Speaking of which, fucking Sven's on the verge yet again of an other bag record... this one for least wins in a season which I think is 8.  Poor little fellow. He hasn't had much bag success since the inaugural season and has been Paint Facing for a living. His NFL record ain't great but he has his beloved Gators, which is nice. The football gods simply won't let our newbie slackers win this thing. I've gone 2-0 in three consecutive weeks to catch up to the others. There's no stopping me, I will be the Overlord once again. I will pick out fantastic bars, once again. I will actually have a plan of action that doesn't include some frat-boy sports bar. I will make Lenny puke in shades of turquoise blue and if I was really cool I'd figure out a way to throw some orange in there. Rock on, Blue Hawaiians and Screwdrivers all night long for Len.  Someone has to keep this thing respectable ya know.

Piper High School Football.

As many can remember I often make references to team playing so bad they could be beaten by the Piper High Bengals. Well Piper is the high school attended by Marica, Lenny and yours truly as well as many other people you don't know. I played football there for four years... three on the Varsity. We were horrible. Absolutely pathetic. The only winning season was my sophomore year where we went 7-3 and lost in districts. I was a little second string WR then... mostly blocking because we ran the power H option which meant little or no passing. The highlight of that season was going into Pompano Beach and beating Ely High 7-0 in the rain. Again, a little factoid for you ballers: Ely has the second most players to go on to play in the NFL. The first is some crappy Poly-something school in Cali. So yeah we were terrible but we played in a tough county that produced players like Issac Bruce, Asante Samuel, Eric Rhett, all of the Blades Brothers, Chris Gamble, Michael Irving, Lorenzo White, Dan Morgan and of course Brian Piccolo. Couple that with the fact that Piper sits in sunny Sunrise, FL which is was mainly comprised of retirees and transplanted jewish families so yeah, not a lot of football prowess in that bunch. In my senior year we went 0-10. Not a single W. So now you all know!  Let's try it. Boe Boe's team is worse than Piper High. The 1990 Benglas could have wholloped the Wankers. There, now it makes sense!

Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!
Here we go Dolphins here we go!

Happy Footballing!

R



Oh and one more thing ............................................................
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Here we go Dolphins here we go!  (Clap Clap)

Get your freedom while it's hot!

I have some new inventions I'm going to throw at you. I'm throwing my hat into the GPS ring and see if I can make a buck or two. What started as a star wars experiment by the DOD is now freely available for civilian use thanks to our old pal President Reagan. Thanks Ronald for making available a military technology that I plan on exploiting to shore up my dwindling retirement account. I noticed the other day that there are GPS 's for tracking your family. They say you can put them in cars, knapsacks and the like. Can you imagine being a teenager and having to deal with this? If my parents actually knew where I was going every night I'd still be grounded! It certainly affords teens the opportunity to screw with the parental units by stashing the locator on a carnie bus or on an express train to China. This is probably not the greatest idea but we'll have to endure the societal growing pains over the obvious moral conflicts. Despite that, millions of insecure Americans will spend the dough-ray-me for a little ill conceived piece of mind. The next iteration of family tracking comes in the form of GPS lingerie. Yeah, Valentine's Day is coming up so why not buy your honey a sexy gadget which some are calling the 21st century chasity belt. See if she's wearing the teddy you bought her at another dudes house! Or worse, the corner of Sistrunk Ave and MLK! That will make for some interesting banter at your next family therapy session. Again, not everyone thinks this is a good idea and feminist panties all over the world are already in a bunch. Not that this should make too much of a stink cause you know wives are going to be stashing the aforementioned Family Tracker in their husbands briefcases to keep those sudden late night board meetings on the proverbial radar. Now there are many good uses for this technology. Do you like to beat your wife? Don't move to Spain. They just agreed to spend a shitload of money on GPS tracking devices to ensure the bad guys are complying with their restraining orders. Then there's Eric Hanson who would have gotten away with murder had it not been for the GPS navigation system in his Chevy. Wisconsin is tagging their child molestors but a system in Connecticut for tracking rapists doesn't seem to be working very well. Go figure.

With GPS technology doing so much good and bad in the universe I figured what the hell let's take a shot or a pint in this case hehe. Since we already have ways of tracking cars, criminals, crazy kids and cheating wives I thought of another consonant to round out the alliteration. With that I introduce to you the first and most obvious product in a line of more practical GPS services, the GPS Koozie! That's right! You'll never forget where you put your beer down again! Been drunk at a bar or a party? Go to the bathroom only to return to a missing beer? Tired of cleaning up all those half consumed aluminum cans at the end of the night? Well this little doo-dad will cure the short term memory laspes associated with binge drinking.

Here's how it works:  We need to find a pint located at (x,y,z) that satisfies all three equations.



and


The rest is a lot of techno mumbo jumbo. I need to get going on this quickly otherwise Heinie is going to beat me to it. They already know when you're drinking their beer!


Look for more awesome GPS party products coming to a GB site near you. If any baglovers out there want to contribute a GPS idea please feel free. Like for the aging americans a GPS tracker for your keys. RightI What's the use of a GPS for your car if you can't find your keys? So GPS your keys then GPS your car then you'll probably have to GPS your house and hopefully once there you can just rock it old school and bump into walls until you find the bedroom. Otherwise just GPS it.  Maybe a GPS for my socks so I can figure out where they've all run off to? There's a left foot sock party going on somewhere. If you do socks and keys then lighters and pens are obviously next.  What if we took a Carlinistic approach to the issue? Like say for the recently betrothed perhaps a GPS locator for your sanity? Or for those with newborns a GPS for good sense? I actually know a bunch of bootygrazing single dudes in this town that could use the good sense GPS. Wait I have it. For most men who have been married for more than two years, a GPS for you balls! Yeah. For sexually inept men and women a GPS for downstairs? You know, down there (look down).

And without further ado, ze Baggage.

Sunday Sunday Sunday. Super scoring sunday! Super fantasy player scoring sunday! Holy effing points!  After enduring low scoring games all year week 12 finally blows up with 23 teams scoring over 20 points and 4 of those teams breaking the 40 point barrier. With so many teams in playoff contention it looks like NFL 2008 will go out with a bang. Long overdue props to the over achieving Dolphins despite their manhandling this past weekend. Can we go from 1-15 one year to the playoffs the next??? I sure as hell hope so.

I went 2-0 this weekend just to make things interesting down the stretch. Since everyone wants to be like me, they all get an IE!

Records:

Ryanie -
Eagles 5-5-1
Falcons 7-4
Total 12-9-1
        
Jasonie -
Dolphins 6-5
Bears 6-5
Total 12-10

Randie -
Ravens 7-4
Texans 4-7
Total 11-11

Lennie -
Raiders 3-8
Rams 2-9
Total 5-17

It's completely lame that Ryan has a tie. Never in bag history have there been three players within one win of each other going into week 13. This will obviously go down to the wire. I expect Ryanie to tank the rest of the way and fall from the top spot. Philly's playing like Piper High and the Falcons have a tough road ahead with games against the Chargers, Saints, Bucs, Minnesota and St. Louis. Unfortunately Jasonie's in the cat bird seat. The Fish have St. Louis, Buffalo, San Fran and the Jets (woo hoo! love me some last place schedule) and Bang Bang has Minny, Jax, Green Bay, New Orleans and Houston. It would be bittersweet if the Fish carry his ass to the Overlordship. As for my teams, after thrashing the Iggles (my bag team is better than your bag team, nanny nanny poo poo) Baltimore's got Cinncy, Washington, Pitt, Dallas and Jax. The eternally bag-ridden Texans have Jax, Green Bay, Thumb Tacks, Oakland and Chicago. Not so good. Lennie's already cinched up the bag so no need to speak more on that. Since there have been so many red flags this year I propose we take a page from this guys book, sprinkle a little Barry Manilow on the problem and impose a stricter penalty. The shots just don't seem to be making people do their write ups.


later homeys!

RLS


squeaky bee contributed to this article.


PS. I missed a write up a few weeks ago but I did comp this awesome pic in honor of Lenny's attendance at the NKOTB show in October. Since you'll probably never get a write up Len, why don't you tell us all about it. We'd also like to hear about your Florida football adventures.





 

Sorry this write-up is late.  With the Eagles and Bengals still tied at 13-13, I thought week 11 wasn't over yet.  Last night Donovan McNabb called me to explain that after studying the NFL rulebook for four days and then seeing Cincinnati playing the Steelers last night on television, he now understands that his game is really over and it actually did finish in a tie.

 

Current Standings

 

Ryan                11-8-1

Jason                11-9

Randie              9-11

Bag-Boy          4-16

 

How the hell did I win the write-up this week? 

 

Miami needed a last-minute field goal *at home* to beat the struggling Raiders and the Bears got pounded like a one-legged whore in Green Bay, 37-3.  And I ended up with the best record?  Yes, thanks to the Eagles who found another way to, uh, not win a game in Cincinnati.  Highlights included 21 punts, 45 incomplete passes, 10 sacks, 3 interceptions and 4 fumbles.   If this was the game in your local market, you essentially watched a 3-hour commercial for DirecTV and the NFL package.  I think I would have rather been watching this guy's DVD all afternoon.

 

You should check out the trailer.  I'm seriously going to get this for someone for Christmas.  I just haven't figured out who it is yet.

 

This week's highlighted games include a good bag matchup between Ryan's Eagles and Randie's Ravens.  Randie needs this game to get back in the hunt for first place.  He also needs Baltimore to remember it has a good run defense.  Ryan needs Andy Reid to stop blowing his time-outs on stupid challenges.  Somewhere there is a stat on this and I would be shocked he wasn't in the NFL lead.  It would also help if he got a bit more creative with the playcalling.  Look, someone found their play chart from last week!

 

I figure I will go at least 1-1 this week since the Bears are essentially playing a team scrimmage against Lenny's Rams. So after somehow gaining a half a game on first place and distancing myself a bit from 3^rd and 4^th, I continue my drive to the championship.  But after Week 11, I'm just not exactly filled with the same confidence and I'll a little worried about who is behind the wheel.

Sorry this write-up is late.  I have been in shock from what I saw when Mike Singletary visited my apartment last week to give me a motivational speech about my less-than-stellar and non-punctual columns.....

 

To review last week's bag results, Lenny fell further into the abyss and is moving closer each week to clinching the bag.

 

Ryan                10-6

Jason                9-7

Randie              8-8

Lenny               4-12

 

Is there a more pathetic professional sports organization than the Oakland Raiders?  Every week there is another story that speaks to the chaotic tenor of the club.   Do you think JaMarcus Russell is enjoying life these days?  Saturday, the entire team basically throws you directly under the bus.  For Michael Vick.  Then you go out and have one of the worst performances since the advent of the forward pass (31 yards?  A 19 QB rating?)  That's right, current players said they would be willing to give up parts of their salaries if the team would go out and sign Vick, like now (he's due of prison at the end of the summer, I believe).   Isn't Russell the 4^th highest paid player in the league this year?  Lenny, do you still have that football with his image on it?  Maybe you can have him sign it for you one day...He should fit right in there in Oakland:

 

Secondly, you know things are bad when the quality of your team is being used as political fodder.  At Invesco Field in Denver, a liberal group hired a plane to fly a banner above the stadium that read "McCain is a Raider Fan."  Keep in mind the Broncos were playing Miami, not Oakland, last weekend.

 

And third, the Raiders decided to jettison starting CB DeAngelo Hall, a guy for whom they gave up a 2^nd round draft pick and possibly 7.5 million dollars too much.  He has since signed with the Redskins for the base minimum...

 

This week Oakland plays host to a solid Carolina team and Lenny's Rams are here in New York to play the Brett Farve's.  Lenny, you should go cheer them on.  I'm sure good seats are available....

 

Randie is ensured of a 1-1 record this week as his bag team's square off as Houston plays host to Baltimore.  With Matt Schaub out this week, expect more high-flying heroics from the uber-athletic Sage Rosefelds.  Perhaps he can fumble away another victory.

 

Ryan might be in for a tough week as Atlanta's defense is going to have trouble stopping the New Orleans attack and Sunday night the Eagles are facing the disciplined New York Tom Coughlins's...

 

My Dolphins play host the hapless Seahawks.  Are there any sports fans left in Seattle these days?  Holmgren is a dead-coach-walking.  The team managers had to suit-up at wide receiver for a few games early in the season.  The Sonics left town for essentially a rural outpost.  In roughly over two weeks a college football game is going to played in Pullman between arguable two of the worst Pac-10 teams ever.   Wazzu lost 59-0 to Stanford?!?  The Huskies haven't won all year?!?  The 2008 Mariners season was an unmitigated disaster where they ended up losing 101 games...It won't get any better this week.  Expect NFL Commissioner-elect Joey Porter and the rest of the Miami defense to easily contain the Seahawks anemic attack.

 

Don't look now, but guess who is back at the helm for my mighty Bears......

 

Chicago looks to be the first team to knock off the undefeated Titans.  I'll wear my #8 jersey proud on Sunday.  Expect a stellar performance from good-Rex as the Monsters of the Midway finally expose Tennessee. 

Then again, bad-Rex could show up and the Bears might very well be screwed....

 

 

 

Penalty Shot for me. I'll take my mulligan here.

YES,
Rather than submit a half assed write up.
Rather than go home and finish the website.
or do laundry,
or clean my house,
or pay my bills,
or anything else that really matters...

after back to back double shifts I've decided to go out and get really loaded tonight!!!!!

If anyone's interested give me a holla.  Not sure where I'm going but it will be fun.

First an apology to all you baglovers out there. I have neglected the site's design for too long and will take whatever penalty. Good news is that the layout is complete. Awesomely themed GB2K8 "The Bar". With the help of some friends the site should be up by week's end.

Now let the shit-talking commence!

Secondly, another apology for the less-than super write ups that has flown across your LCDs this season. I had high hopes going into the new year with some fresh blood but to say it's been disappointing is an understatement. I won't go into great length bad mouthing the newbies but I have to say that despite that fact that this is an open forum, you should both stay on point (Ryan) and write something of substance (Jason). I had hopes after seeing Ryan's first entry but after falling asleep half way through the novella I realized it may be a bit much for our reader's attention span. Lenny's only write up, which was an awesome recap of our sporting jaunt across America, didn't really speak to any baggage. With all of us separated by one game each it's time to take this seriously and get down to some bag business. You don't want to start the payoff with enough penalty shots to kill a small farm animal. Git 'er done! On time. We're all busy! 

The hardest part of the off season was saying goodbye to Shawn and Boe Boe. Boe is busying himself with taking over the country (and consequently the world I imagine) down south so I completely get it. Fitzy's moving on to fatherhood so he's going to need all the spare time he can muster to put out baby fires all over the dirty jerz.

Awesome pic. Couldn't help but chuckle as I photoshop'd the finishing touches! Those not privy to the TFB please take a moment and check this out. Hopefully Shawn will take a page out of my book and hide the lighter fluid! Seriously many congrats to Shawn and Julie as well as Berto and Karen and the recently made beer spawn of Paula and Dan. That leaves the rest of us pondering the question, to kid or not to kid. I for one would like to see it happen someday. I was discussing this question over many beers last Sunday with a person who shall remain nameless. He was explaining how it would cut into his personal time too much or that the responsibility was too great yada yada. Fast forward a few (beers, hours, both) and I discovered the real reason behind his hesitation:  A muffled drunken indecipherable baby speak. I realized that like the rest of us childless souls he's hesitant to release the baby inside himself. Wow that's deep. Why don't you put yourself in a cab buddy.

 Sure we'll be ripping into the daddies for their lame talk of sleepless nights and trips to the store for more diapers but ultimately they'll have the last laugh over us late boomers. At least they're doing it while they're still (somewhat) young. Fast forward a few and they'll be the ones ripping into me because all their munchkins are potty trained and in pre-school while I'm still trying to get over my fecalphobia. Hey I've been through this already. I left South Florida in 2001 partly because all my friends settled down in West Broward and started pumping out rug rats and consequently left the fun zone. Oh I see them now and then and it's usually a blow out but long gone are the fungi days (pronounced fun-guy). Now they're resigned to using secret man code like, "...sorry honey I have a meeting tonight in Board Room C. It'll probably go late". That's not to say this will happen here but throw a few down Tony's throat and you'll get the real daddy scoop. It's not the end of drunken fun, rather that the moments will be more poignant. We'll certainly miss awesome Shawn shenanigans like this one but change is always good and a necessity for some. The alternative is us all getting on the bandwagon and getting en preggo'd. I mean can you seriously imagine what Lennyspawn would be like??

I may not be a word-smith but I can fuck up some photoshop.

Baggage

Standings:

Ryan 7-5
Atlanta Falcons 4-2
Philadelphia Eagles 3-3

Jason 6-7
Miami Dolphins 2-4
Chicago Bears 4-3

Randie 5-7
Baltimore Ravens 3-3
Houston Texans 2-4

Lenny 4-8
Oakland Raiders 2-4
St. Louis Rams 2-4

Week 8 - Oakland at Baltimore, Buffalo at Miami, St Louis at NE, Atlanta at Philly, Cincinnati at Houston and the Bears have a by bye buy.

As you can see there it's still pretty tight in the standings. I didn't think three of those teams would have two wins all season! I 'spect to go 2-0 this weekend and grace your desktops once again.


I can't make heads or tails of this NFL season so far. Good teams bad, horrible teams winning games. The Vince-less Thumtacks are the only undefeated team. Vick's looking for an early release. No pinkie in the stinkie for Romo. Dogs and cats living together! There's been more canning than at a Tuna Plant in Alaska. In fact not sine the French revolution has there been more beheadings. We should have done a head coach murder pool... who gets the axe first.



P.O.  Bagboy

Dignity shall return to our beloved site this week as yours truly won his first write up of the season. Look for it Wednesday morning!

Ahhhhh. Finally. The bag is restored into its rightful hands. And not a moment too soon. With all that's been happening, I admit to having wondered why God was treating me like a maximum security prison bitch. Why give man free will, and then willfully surround him with misery?

 

What is this misery I speak of, anyway? First (as always), there were the Cubs. Even in Chicago, with its perfectly hedged sports portfolio of Bulls and Bears, the Cubs found a way to crater, S&P-style. Then the real S&P did its job, and turned my plan to retire within the next 75 years to angel dust. And then just as the world was coming to terms with the loss of Paul Newman, whose ironic, salad-dressing-powered racecar changed auto sports forever, the Gators stole the world stage with another loss to a team from Mississippi. Amazing what gets forgotten in the wake of a national tragedy.

 

But things are looking up now, aren't they? Come on, aren't you a little bit comforted to know I'm back in my rightful position on top of the standings, and that you are one week closer to puking a stomach-full of shots into a trash bag? For you, the discomfort of losing is simply an unpleasant side-effect of the world spinning back onto its axis. It reminds me of when you learned that, offstage, Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street weren't cuddly little homo-puppets, but actually crazy-ass gangstas. There was the twinge of disappointment in knowing that Bert and Ernie weren't pusing those twin beds together at night, but you loved imagining Enrie hanging out the passenger side with his Tec-9 on Sesame Street after sundown, clipping any puppet who stepped.

 

Speaking of things that aren't gay, can we talk about my boy Matt Ryan for a quick sec? 22 of 30 for 301 yards against JASON and the Bears. He's passed for 1,200 yards already on the season and gets better each week. If his receivers didn't freebase before games, he might have twice that production. I don't know if Matt Ryan castrates circumcises Philippino children in the off-season, but in every other respect he is Tebow-esque.

 

And how about my other quarterback, Donovan McNabb? 23 of 36 last week for 280 yards and a couple TDs. And that's with the Bradley effect. Consider too, how predictable the Eagles' offense is - if Philadelphia ran that crazy Wildcat formation, McNabb could castrate Philippino children during the game while producing like 8,000 yards of total offense. Hell, McNabb could castrate African lions, freebase coke, send dirty text messages to Alycia Lane, mail a crate of Little Debbies to Phil Fulmer, and make a speech to his kid's Career Day at school, all while gaining 16,000 yards in the Wildcat offense.

 

Some men, you just can't reach.