GB2K7: For Whom The Bag Tolls V

It's the 2007 NFL Season and not a moment too soon! Welcome back for another year of Baggage. We'll be here each week to entertain you with our NFL / dive bar recap complete with hazy details of our drunken NYC shenanigans. This is by far the worst pool of teams ever assembled. All are bag veterans and most are repeat offenders. Here's what happened at the payoff:

Randie - Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins
Joe - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
Shawn - Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals
Lenny - Oakland Raiders, Washington Redskins

My preseason rankings are:

Shawn
Lenny
Joe
Me

Yeah I'm pretty certain I'll be in the bag. In an effort to make it sporting for my bagmates I went with my heart and took the Fish with the first pick. How many years in a row can I win this thing anyway? That's why I'm calling my 2007 Campaign, Return to the Bag. I miss the bag. I want the bag. I just wasn't going to take Detroit with the first pick. Some team will blow up for ten wins this year and I'm betting it's Miami. Lenny and I are really behind on the new website and payoff pics but I assure you that there are some classic shots. We should be launching really soon. In the meantime I hope you continue to enjoy Eddie.

Week 1 ***BAG MATCHUP*** pits Lenny's Raiders at Shawn's Lions. Oh my!

Payoff Recap!

Sorry this has taken so long but I had to let a few weeks go by to calm the ire. For those of you who missed it, the winner is... Me. Yes, once again, 'tis I. For the fourth straight year I was the last man standing at the end of the Payoff. Now just to be perfectly clear, this is not something I'm proud of. Seriously, I'm tired of being alone at the end of the night. My first wish is that one day my bag mates will make it past midnight. I'd love to have a toast with them at the end of the night, say our goodbyes and call it an evening. Maybe do a ceremonial ripping of the bag or something. My second wish is that they actually say goodbye instead of the traditional hocus pocus. It seems as if the restless spirit of Harry Houdini has become a regular attendee of the Payoff and perhaps should be inducted into our Hall of Shame. Whatever. To those who came out and stayed past 11:15 I say thanks for your support, I had a great time. Sorry you had to endure my ranting, raving, resigning and kicking of the trash can. I'm much better now :P

I knew Shawn was fading as soon as we got to Blue and Gold. You can always tell with him: his mouth and eyes get as wide as bagels. He looks right through you in this really vacant way. He kind of teeters from side to side as if he's going to lose it at any second and yet somehow, by sticking his tongue out he manages to keep it together. What made him more bizarre was the face paint job. Combine the wide eyed scary stare, the Browns face paint and the horrible red eye that my camera did to him and he looked like some kind of psychotic reject from the broadway musical Cats. He did, however, get all of his pictures! Señor Joe Joe barely made it into Mars Bar (Bar #3). He felt the wrath of Mike and James and put the ball on the ground one too many times. This is the absolute least that could happen considering he failed to get the correct Jersey for the payoff then whined about it until he was so shit-canned he couldn't speak. Can we institute the Wanker Whiner rule in GB2K7? He showed up in a Jets jersey? That was my team Josephus. All we had to do was loosen him up with a couple of shots and it was only a matter of time. I was having a very normal conversation with Lenny about it who was in as much disbelief as I was over Joe Joe's inability to pay his penalty. We were discussing his recent disappearance and how he must be some kind of lightweight when Lenny confided in me that he believes, and I quote, "I can pretty much drink anyone in this bar under the table." Well needless to say those were the last words I heard uttered from Lenny's mouth that night. Upon arrival at 7B, I received the report from my cousin that outside of Blue and Gold, Julie shoved the now blacked-out Herr "I Can Drink You Under the Table" Herold into a cab right before hailing one for herself and Mr. Shitzgerald. Further reports from Mrs. I Can Drink You Under the Table stated that he was running around his living room naked and angry until he passed out on his couch later that night. Here's the quandary: I swear Lenny was fine when I spoke to him which was 15 minutes before he vanished into the gullet of the yellow monster. He seemed too sober and it made me feel quite inadequate as the Overlord. To the best of my recollection FShawn was drinking PBRs all night so - eh, yeah he got blasted on PBRs? Really? I want to see the Beeramid to prove it! And Joe Joe, well he failed to live up to his end of the Payoff. The whole point of the Bag Bet is the the Payoff and the second place finisher has to spend $80 on a crappy jersey that they'll never wear again. Those are the rules. I have a Texans jersey sitting in my drawer that I'm hoping to repurpose some day. Lenny has Shawn's Detroit Jersey. Somehow we both managed to get it done? It would be like Shawn failing to buy paint or Lenny refusing to wear the bag! When Shawn wore the Jersey he donned a Lions hat, wrist bands and Koozie and he also instituted the temporary tattoo idea for the paint facer. You need to step up your game! Berto is running out of Wonder bread bags. I want to institute a 4 bar minimum for participants. If you can't make it to the 4th bar, you get sent down. Just a thought.

End of Rant.

The write-up, apparently. Through the haze of fried food, Coors Light and obscenities over viewing party attendance, Randie's Shitstains and Fish found a way to combine for enough points to snag him his first write-up of the season. Everyone now has a write-up, and it's only week 6 - this is how it should be!

Hopefully I'll have the site fixed up in time for the baglovers email.

Balsac wins another write-up with a commanding 1-0 week as the Cards get a buy by bye. There was an overall scoring drought for the other bag teams... that is, except for the surprising Cleveland Steamers, who continued to put up points while denying the underachieving Rams of their first win (but at least the Fish still have a dance partner at the "we can't get any wins, or girlfriends" table).

Other observations from the weekend's drinking and football watching:

• Dan's fired for picking a bar that didn't have all the games on, and smelled like a combination of vomit and dirty socks. I think this effect was exacerbated by the frat party next to us blowing ass all night, but still. It was cheap, I'll give him that, but there were like 5 other bars within walking distance that had a lot more TVs.
  
• Tampa Bay came up short late once again. This game wasn't on anywhere close by, so I didn't get to actually SEE it, but you'd think even a bag team would be able to beat the likes of Quinn Gray and LaBrandon Toefield. Seriously, WTF? Is the Jags defense really this good?!
  
• As much as it pains me to say it, kudos to the New England area for having a ridiculous football team and winning another championship on the ballfield last night. Have fun with A-Rod next year. I heard the fans were chanting "don't sign A-Rod" after the game... you'd think them evoking the most hated Yankee after their team won just their second World Series in 89 years would be incentive enough to pass on signing him, but you don't think John Henry and Co. are that smart, do you?
  
• Indy whipped Carolina so thoroughly last night that there was a Jim Sorgi sighting. Yikes! And unlike that Patsies, they didn't put the starter back in after a little adversity. Good job Tony, no need for any more RUTS than necessary. He has class. He won't be wearing headbands or cut-off sweatshirts any time soon. (Nice job going for it on 4th down up 45-0 Belichick! DOUCHE!)
  
• ...and while we're talking about Peytie Pie, good job being the first NFL QB to beat all 31 teams. I hate you, but keep ratcheting up those fantasy stats.
  
• The first NFL game outside the US was... like watching flies fuck. Seriously, even Giants and Dolphins fans had to hate this. The turf looked like brown pudding, the teams looked lethargic and the fans did the wave in the first quarter. Giant Jason Taylor should have breathed fire or something like Eddie, that would have made it interesting at least.
  
• ...and while we're talking about the Giants, WTF is up with Eli, anyway? Is he Peyton's bitch at, like, EVERY family function? How is he still a starting QB in the league? I guess when Gus Frerotte, Kelly Holcomb, Tim Rattay, Quinn Gray, etc. etc. etc. are all starting, the Giants figure he's not THAT bad. Oh, but he is.
  
• I officially rescind my predictions about Daunte Culpepper having a breakout year. Wow, does he suck. With multiple opportunities to take the lead in the fourth quarter, Culpepper found a way to seal defeat with surprising immobility and horribly non-existent deep touch. Mike Williams, a Detroit cast-off, mercifully ended the comeback bid with a tits-for-hands drop of what would have been a first down with just over a minute left deep in Titans territory. As Lane Kiffin said after the game, "this is getting old."
  

...for his third write-up of the season after going 2-0. Randie picked up a game with the Fish off, and Shawn and I both split. There's now a clear one game separation between first, second and third places... with Randie bringing up the rear, two games back in the caboose.

Matchups of note for Week 10:

• Shawn plays with himself
  
• Two once-mighty franchises who've fallen on hard times meet as Chicago travels to Oakland
  
• The Shitstains, Skins and Fish all have tough divisional matchups
  
• BOTH of Boe-Boe's teams are on a bye buy by
  
• New England is off as well, so Balsac and I both need someone to prop up our fantasy teams
  

Playing with yourself often yields dividends. This week, Shawn's diddling gets him a write-up. Joe's group bye-buy-by gets him a tie for overlord. Things are heating up!

Balsac's offering to the Gods should be delicious this week. TGIW.

The haves are separating themselves from the have-nots. Boe-Boe and Balsac are into double-digits in wins, and Randie and I are slogging through another disappointing season for our favorite teams. At least Randie's got the Brownies to save his bacon - I'm stuck with the slumping Skins. The Raiders found a way to shit the bed once again (how long before JaMarcus gets his shot? Daunte is horrible!), and the Fish made a QB change, but still couldn't pull out their first win of the season. Boe-Boe gets the write-up this week with a commanding 2-0, 54-point performance. With only six weeks left to play, he's got a slim one game lead over Balsac, while only one game separates me from a two-year run in plastic. Either way, I'm pretty much a lock to be in the bottom two for the fourth straight year.... yuck.

I went 0-2 in fantasy this week also. I'm dead last in one league, and have lost 5 of my last 6 in the other. At least I'm still Making Technology Hap-pen....!

Boe-Boe clinched yet another write-up with a dominating 2-0, 68-point week. In the process, he stole Randie's thunder - even the Fish's first victory of the season wasn't enough to get him into the winner's circle.

With only two weeks of bagdom left, there is still much to play for. With his 2-0 this week, Randie pulled within only a game of me for third place. I believe Boe-Boe has clinched the Overlord spot at this point... but all three remaining positions are still up for grabs.

Boe-Boe, can we expect some gloating in the write-up this week?

Randie, who finished with an 11-21 record (not bad at all for a bag wearer). I'll be donning the face paint for the third time in four years - this time, however, I'm face-painting for my favorite team. Yes, I'll definitely borrow some shoulder pads from Dave. Shawn will be carrying the rock, and Boe-Boe Bendler takes the Overlord spot with a dominating 17-win performance. No word yet on penalties for this season... there were a couple of red flags, a missed write-up or two (depending on whether Boe-Boe gets one in this week) and of course the infamous Jersey Gate of 2007.

We've got an interesting roster of bag teams for next season. Many are first-time participants, and others are faithful long-time members of our little club:

AFC:

Miami Dolphins (East)
Baltimore Ravens (North)
Houston Texans (South - a bag team at 8-8! Yikes!)
Oakland Raiders (West - lost a vs. the division tiebreaker with KC)

NFC:

Philadelphia Eagles (East - another 8-8 bag team)
Chicago Bears (North - lost tiebreaker as they were swept by Detroit, and wow, Super Bowl to the bag - oof)
Atlanta Falcons (South)
St. Louis Rams (West)

It was another good season, with some great write-ups. See you at the payoff!