By: Balzac the Jaws of Death

How does everyday of work start for you? My day usually begins with several people calling me to tell me that they've fucked something up and I have to figure out a way to create something out of nothing, using only half the money that I would need, while not upsetting the client, and not letting anyone know that they have totally fucked up their job due to staggering incompetence. When I get on the train I read my e-mail and pour over all of the whining and pleading missives labeled as "URGENT" or "ASAP", or my personal favorite "Return Receipt Requested". Only the truly moronic use these terms. I read them and sigh and delete them because I know I don't need them. When I get to work my voicemail light is flashing. Who left these messages? Of course it is the same incompetent fools that sent me the URGENT email that needs a reply ASAP with a Return Receipt Request. They babble on until my voicemail cuts them off and then they call back and complain that they got cut off, and continue to blabber about some moron in West Bumblefuck that signed a deal but now wants twice as much work for the same money or "their going to cancel". Again, they still don't leave a full phone number and get cut off just before the last digit. Of course there is no return call after this. After e-mail and voicemail I usually get a phone call from the production department questioning me on why I have done things efficiently and didn't follow their 65 day contract approval process, but instead expedited it to 10 minutes of work. I exhale and explain how it all works. there is then a long pause on the other end of the phone and then "Ooooohhhhhhh, ok. I get it now". This is my life. Anyone have a new job for me?

Why do I bring this all up? Because I can identify with the competent NFL players that are surrounded by incompetence. The Original Gangsta of Incompetence Endurance? Barry Sanders. Running for his life on every hand off, he never failed to show just how brilliant he was and how completely inept the rest of the Lions team seemed in comparison. I'm sure Barry was a 10th degree blackbelt at enduring stupidity. He never spoke up. He soldiered on and then finally all of the rage in his chest made him say "Fuck you, I'm out!". He just walked away from the game. To truly endure, you must be an island of sanity and direction in a storm of total and utter stupidity.

So who is the current incarnation of the Supreme Chancellor of Incompetence Endurance? My vote would go to Zach Thomas. I thought about lots of other possible candidates, but no one else fit the bill. Sure you could say, "Well Zach has Jason Taylor". Close. But Taylor fucked his sister, then married his sister, then divorced his sister. This chain of events excludes Jason Taylor from being a "helping hand". Zach has done nothing but shoulder the load in South Florida year after year, always toeing the corporate line and trying to win with the meager tools he is given. He never quits, but I'm sure he gets frustrated. He has been to the Pro Bowl seven times and according to wikipedia has more tackles than any Linebacker in the Hall of Fame. The guy is the warm center of the world surround by steaming piles of shit. I wonder what he does to deal with the crushing disappointment and frustration of watching guys continuously shred the other idiots on defense and score touchdowns. For God's sake, the Fish/Bills game on Sunday was 3-2 at one point. That's a good hockey game, not a football game. So, when you are down at work, think of Zach nursing his umpteenth concussion, and begging to get back on the field with all of the morons the front office has deemed suitable to play alongside him. He is a better man than you.

Thoughts on Week 10
1. Cleveland is for real. This is Randie's only hope, Zach Can't play every position. That Pittsburgh game made me believe a bit more, and fear Pitt a bit less.
2. Manning is nothing without his supporting cast. Vinatieri's deal with the devil came due this week.
3. San Diego is bipolar. How do they destroy Indy one week after getting shut down by the Vikings?
4. More to that point, how does Green Bay completely shut out Minnesota while having their best rushing day of the season?
5. This just in: Gumby is still dead and Eli still sucks.
6. I don't really care about the NFC. They are less than NCAA football at this point, but more than Arena league. Maybe equal with the CFL.
7. How does Drew Bledsoe not have a job?
8. I hate insulating my house.
9. I love beer, but I hate Coors Light. There has been a 30 pack lingering in the man fridge for weeks now. I keep buying new beer because I don't want to drink it.
10. NASCAR ceases to exist when football starts.
11. Drinking at home is not the same as drinking at the bar.
12. Steve McNair should not be a starting QB anymore.
13.As Brodie Croyle starts for KC this week, Tony Gonzalez will begin his bid to take Zach Thomas; Supreme Chancellor of Incompetence Endurance Award!

Until next week!