By: Balzac the Jaws of Death

Another week in the NFL and someway somehow my pathetic bag teams earned me a win this week. The lowly Lions managed to beat a “possibly gay” quarterback and a 9th string running back last week. Matt Millen sighs and waits for the eventual onslaught next week. Mike Martz continues to plan his escape from the peninsula. Since the Lions aren’t worth talking about any further, and my other bag team (AZ Cardinals) are currently deciding between starting a 1 armed Kurt Warner or the homeless Tim Rattay, I deem them also unworthy of further discussion.

What I want to talk about is survival, kids. When the chips are down and death is staring you in the face, who are you going to be? So far this year 30 NFL teams have lost and their bids for a perfect season have died out on the field as the final whistle blows. Covered in sweat, mud, blood, spit, tape, and tears the defeat comes crushing down. Last second field goals go through the uprights, only to find out the dickhead coach on the other sideline called a timeout a millisecond before the snap, negating the play and forcing your kicker to try that 52 yarder all over again with out that fresh leg. Errant passes slipping through fingertips and bouncing harmlessly on the field to groans and cheers of the various fans. Losing is brutal. Doing it kills you a little bit every time.

We have two teams with spotless records that continue to survive the battle and the conditions every week. Of course I am speaking of the undefeated Patriots and Colts. So who are these guys really? What will they do to survive? I though it might be best to take a peek at the popular survival shows and see how things shake out:

New England Patriots: These guys are like Les Stroud on Survivorman . No, they aren’t Canadians…well, some of them are…er, sorta Canadian. Les goes into the wilderness for 5 days survives in a harsh climate, carries his own camera gear, shoots the whole show himself, shit he even wrote and performed the introductory song (yeah it’s fucking weird hippy Bongo music, and the harmonica thing is creepy, but what the fuck!). This guy is even keel when he is pissing in a hole and trying to harvest the condensation from his own urine, eating scorpions off of a skewer, wading through frozen streams naked, and cutting his fingers to the bone demonstrating how to get water from a vine. This dude is Tom Brady. Nothing phases him. He delivers the monologue with the same even voice whether he just caught a rabbit and hadn’t eaten in 3 days or he just woke up from a long nap next to a fire. Cool as a cucumber all day long. Willing to do anything to survive. Completely comfortable with working with the tools he has to put together a win and get to the next game. Tom Brady is an honorary Canadian.

Indianapolis Colts: These guys are more like Bear Grylls from Man Versus Nature . They talk a big game, they might eat some maggots out of a log, or some rotting zebra flesh while the various camera men crowd around and shoot him choking for maximum gross out effect, but it’s all show. Later on he’s puking up his guts and then he goes back and sleeps in a hotel some nights between filming segments. He is not surviving; he is a farce. Crawling up rock faces under waterfalls isn’t survival, that’s just showing off for the camera. So keep waving your arms around at the line of scrimmage Peyton, keep putting on the show and pretending that you are doing something important. We can all see through you.

Can’t wait for the big showdown on Nov.4th!

Other random Thoughts:
1. The Fins are thinking about bringing back Ricky Williams this season. Seriously, why the fuck not? I would go if I lived in South Florida just to taunt him and scream about bong hits for 4 hours. Good times
2. USF is ahead of UF in the BCS. Wow…um…WOW!
3. Who the fuck is the back up QB for Jax? When Garrard went out, some dude named Gray came in. Seriously, you could tell me he was pulled out of the stands and I’d believe you.
4. Why is Pennington still the QB for the Jets? Hey Man-Genius, you’re 1-6, time to give the Clemmens kid some PT.
5. How did Testaverde get a call and Drew Bledsoe didn’t?
6. For that matter, can you remember a year when there were so many mediocre/no-name starting QBs in the league? Edwards, Gray, Rattay, Huard, Griese, Campbell, Jackson, Ferrote, Kitna, Lemon, Harrington, Smith, Carr…that’s 12 without even trying!
7. Good luck to Boe-Boe this weekend. Channel your inner Les Stroud and bring back another rug. With a little work, you too can be an honorary Canadian.

Until Next Week! Go Sox!