Week 6: A Timeline of Ineptitude
by Randie Swanberg
Well well well. A write up for yours truly. There was some conjecture amongst the ranks that I wouldn't get a write up all year. Well you can all go flog the dolphin. Yes I'm 3-9 but I accept my fate graciously. Like it matters. Wonder what would happen if Boeseph wins the overlord and I get the bag? Is it possible I'll outlast them once again? I'm freaking begging for the punishment here. I suppose I should have taken the Lions with the first pick. At least I would be in second place with the possibility of buying myself a new Dolphins jersey.
Speaking of flogging the dolphin, looks like my Fish have already given up on this season. This team has been marred by bad decisions since the hiring Jimmy Johnson in 1996 and make another questionable move by giving up their top wide out for a second round pick. Let's review some of the low lights, bad front office moves and coaching snafus over the past thirteen years, starting with Huizenga:
June, 1994 - Huizenga purchases majority interest in the Dolphins franchise and stadium.
April, 1995 - Dolphins select tackle Billy Milner in the first round. He plays two NFL seasons.
December 1995 - Dolphins lose 37 - 22 to Buffalo in the first round of the playoffs, ending Don Shula's long tenure as head coach as well as erasing any semblance of dignity within the franchise.
January 1996 - Jimmy Johnson signs a four year deal to coach the fish. Proceeds immediately to hishouse in Key Largo to go tarpon fishing and work on his hair.
August 1996 - Huizenga sells out (to the tune of $10M) and changes the stadium's name from Joe Robbie Stadium to Pro Player Park.
April 1997 - Dolphins select WR Yatil Green in the first round (15th Overall). After three seasons and 10 knee surgeries, his career stats are 9 games, 18 receptions for 234 yards.
August 1997 - Wide Receiver OJ McDuffie steals my wanna be girlfriend at the Elbow room on Ft. Lauderdale beach.
April 1998 - Dolphins select John Avery (29th Overall) in the first round. After just two NFL seasons, Avery went on to stellar careers for the XFL's Chicago Enforcers and the CFL's Edmonton Eskimos.
January 1999 - Dave Wannstedt is named assistant head coach. A cloud of doom settles over the city of Miami.
April 1999 - In a stunning series of front office maneuvers, the Fish trade down both first round picks and ultimately draft only 8 players in 15 rounds, 5 of which actually played a down in the NFL
January 2000 - Jimmy Johnson retires. His hair stays on as equipment manager. Wannstedt is named head coach. The cloud of doom transforms into a sweltering miasma of decomposing faith.
March 2000- Dan Marino retires. Dolphins sign 12 year veteran Thurman Thomas. Why?
September 2000 - Fish name Ivy league and fellow tribesman Jay (Don't call me Jason) Fiedler starting QB.
November 2000- vs. Jets the Monday Meltdown... nuff said
March 2002 - Fish trade a first and second round pick to the Saints for Ricky Williams. The contract should have included a lifetime supply of Paxil to combat the amount of reps Master Wannstedt required.
April 2003 - Fish sign the aging Junior Seau
January 2004 - Fish hire Dan Marino as Senior Vice President of Football Operations. This appointment lasted three weeks.
March 2004 - Fish trade a 2nd round pick (used to select Reggie Brown) to the Iggles for QB AJ Feely (who was drafted in the 5th round). Feely went on to earn a 61.7 QB rating while with Miami.
July 2004 - Ricky Williams announces his retirement. Moves to India to practice yoga, the ancient art of sticking one's head up one's own ass.
October 2004 - Versus New England on the road, the Fish net more penalty yards (86) than yards rushing (67). A pre game injury to K Olindo Mare thrusts Wes Welker into the role. Welker kicked a 29 yard FG, a PAT, kicked off and returned punts and kickoffs. He became the first player to do so. Nice job, I'm so glad we let you go Wes.
November 2004 - Wannstedt resigns! WHOOPIE, the curse has lifted. It's like a giant air filter has been placed over biscayne bay.
December 2004 - Fish hire Nick Saban, choke, choke, hock, spittle
September 2005 - Fish start the season with Gus Frerotte at QB
March 2006 - Fish get Dante Culpepper for a second rounder instead of paying Drew Brees. Not sure how bad that worked out. We're rid of the error prone QB and Bress sucks like a fluffer at a gang bang.
January 2007 - Saban quits. Said he'd rather play with boys than men.
January 2007 - Fish sign Cam Cameron to a four year deal. He's still waiting for his first win.
March 2007 - With a depleted secondary and offensive line, the Fish spend $32M on a five year deal for LB Joey Porter. In six games he has 20 tackles and Zero sacks. By comparison Zack Thomas has 44 tackles and one sack but missed two games.
June 2007 - Dolphins acquire concussion-prone Trent Green from KC for s conditional fifth rounder. Green gets knocked out in week 5 with a concussion. At least Joey Harrington is gone.
Of course there are so manyother bad mistakes, mostly on a game calling level that I can't even begin to get into. Is there a Shula in the house? This guy had 2 losing seasons in 26. Where are you Don? I miss you. Remember when we were the least penalized team for like 20 seasons. That was cool. Remember when we used to beat the crap out of everyone in our division? I do. Bring back the pride Cam. Oh and will someone please buy the team from Huizenga! He's fovever cursed for what he did to the 1997 Marlins.
I'm sure you're all thrilled to death at having to read this little trip down painful memory lane but hey, it's my write up and I'll cry if I want to.
Peace.
Randie
Comments
Speaking of the Fins misery, let's remind our erstwhile Fish Fan of January 15, 2000. In fact this was Dan Marino's last game in the NFL. Final score Jacksonville Jaguars 62 - Miami Dolphins 7. The worst AFC playoff beatdown in history! Thus also ending the Jimmie Johnson era.
Posted by: Amueller Esquire | October 17, 2007 4:25 PM
I actually enjoyed it... but then again, I hate the Fish! F 'em.
Obviously I didn't get to work on the site too much over the weekend. I'm planning to try to spend some time on it tonight. I do need a few things:
Posted by: Herr Leonard | October 17, 2007 4:25 PM
I really enjoyed the part about OJ McDuffie stealing your "wanna be" girlfriend. Please 'esplain yourself...
Posted by: Balsac the Jaws of Death | October 17, 2007 4:31 PM
BTW, this week's matchups are full of intrigue. There's two ***** BAG GAME *****s, and most of the rest of the teams are playing big rivals:
New England at Miami: Not a ***** BAG GAME *****, but a matchup of Shawn and Randie's favorite teams (and likely the bitchslap of the week)
Arizona at Washington: A ***** BAG GAME ***** between Shawn and Lenny
Tennessee at Houston: The former Oilers vs. the current... queers?
Tampa Bay at Detroit: A ***** BAG GAME ***** between Boe-Boe and Shawn
Kansas City at Oakland: A regular hate-fest, more so since the Raiders haven't beat KC since 2002 - 8 straight losses
This weekend could really shake up the standings....
Posted by: Herr Leonard | October 17, 2007 5:06 PM
Thanks Artie. No, I didn't forget about that day. Not a great way to go out.
Lenny - why are you talking all this techo mumbo jumbo to the readers? And what's with all the Raiders schwag on the homepage? Did I ask this last year?
As for Juice McDuffie? He can kiss my ass. He's a cock blocking son of a whore.
Posted by: Overlord | October 17, 2007 5:23 PM
Yeah, my bad - I guess I could have put the site stuff into an offline message for us. Just stream of consciousness stuff.
As for the Raiders stuff - that's just Google contextual ads. Last time I hit the page, it was all Dolphins ads. it changes on the fly. You can't blame a brotha for trying to make his $7 a year on ad clicks.
Posted by: Herr Leonard | October 17, 2007 5:38 PM
I'll bet anyone an Andrew Jackson these words will be said this year.. "And with the First pick of the 2008 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select...[insert draft bust here]"...
I think "a sweltering miasma of decomposing faith" best sums up the last ten years of being a phins fan. But I do agree with letting Chambers go.. And who would of thunk it that the Defense is losing the games for us this year. It finally has come full circle. But I do bet a firesale of dolphins players commences just about a half second after the season is over and we'll have about 15 picks in the draft. Just gotta keep believing, i guess..
Posted by: Mikey | October 17, 2007 7:33 PM
How about the fact that the front page is all blue and red and themed and stuff, but when i click on a link for comments, it goes back to the white and black generic beer theme.
r
Posted by: big head todd | October 17, 2007 8:52 PM