By: Balzac the Jaws of Death

Now, this is not meant to be a political column by any stretch of the imagination. This is merely social commentary, so I don’t want to hear from Crane and Bendler about how George Bush is a Messia or from Faron about how Guiliani is the Anti-Christ. Watching both sides get worked up over foreign policy, security, and civil rights decisions I keep expecting something big to happen. Well, I’ve been waiting for a while now. None of the hippies are doing anything beyond marching and smelling like patchouli, and none of the hawks are going any further than some light saber rattling in support of existing military action. In short, they’re all acting like a bunch of pussies right now. So I asked myself, “Where have all the lunatics gone?” In decades past there would be .306 bullets and tear gas flying everywhere. But now, all true crazies are busy with other things. They are too preoccupied to have an opinion or get agitated enough for the big fuse in their head to explode. What are they turning their attention on you ask?

1.Internet Porn: Instead of going out and getting the latest assault rifle with the 200x optical scope, the current day John Hinckley’s are at Costco buying industrial tubs of Jergen’s and rushing home to download the latest Jenna Jameson video and “treat their bodies like an amusement park”, to paraphrase Mrs. Costanza. Is the internet just a CIA plot to placate the masses of possible sharpshooters? Doubtful, but it was a nice side effect for them. With all those boobs to look at, they will never get around to buying that AK-47 “for deer hunting”. So, in essence, Real Player 7 and Quicktime are now a better defense for George Bush than a kevlar vest. Keep up the homeland security Vivid! On a side note, how the hell are college kids getting through school anymore?

2.XBOX 360/Playstation 3: Instead of reading every book on weaponry and arguing about how many hit points it takes for an Orc to kill a Troll, the latter day DD nerds that grow into militant-assualt-planning adults, are pacified by 36 hour marathon games of Half Life and World of Warcraft. Creating sporty names like “The Scatman” and “OneTonShotgun” these guys plow through Mountain Dew and bags of Doritos like it is there job…because it is. Now they are able to get out their aggression and frustration over being thrown into lockers by the jocks, by putting on the headset and sitting down to destroy incompetent gamers. Never has $600 bought so much safety and peace. Vive le Fragfest!

3.YouTube: Instead of acting out in real life, those martial arts obsessed fans can look up clips of their favorite movies and even film themselves reenacting their favorite scenes! As an added bonus we all get to see Justin Timberlake singing “Dick in a Box” whenever we want to. Obviously this isn’t fool proof, the incidents at Memphis and Virgina Tech are prime examples. But, no one from the Government has been hurt, so my hypothesis is still in the clear. Maybe YouTube fantatics just kill closer to campus now.

4.Fantasy Football: Which brings us to the biggest cause of job productivity problems and preoccupation of the fall season, ICWTFFL and GB2K7. With every male age 22-49 engaged with at least one fantasy football team, there is no time to plan an assassination. We are all much more preoccupied with how many TDs Farve can throw, and how well the Pats second string running back Sammy Morris will do as a spot start (Good job on pick ups this week F&CS!). We proud 4 take it to the next level of worrying about how well the worst teams in the NFL are currently doing and how their success correlates to the sweat on my balls next summer. Sadly, I really don’t have the time or inclination to give a shit about anything else. Call me what you will but it’s the truth.

Which leads me back to my original idea. When I was a kid I was playing outside all day, our parents got the news from the paper or the evening news and that was it. There were sparingly few things to divert their attention if things were going awry in the world, subsequently making everyone more disgruntled and pissed off.

I was beyond stoked to sit down with my Dad and watch a fuzzy signal from WSBK-TV38 in Boston as they showed a Bruins/Canadiens game. We both squinted and tried to see where the puck was through the disintegrating signal. Or watching Steve Grogan run around and try not to get his head taken off by the Bills and Dolphins (I’m pretty sure he was the only QB to ever wear a neck roll). That was big time entertainment. Obviously there was a lot of time to get upset about other things back then…Leading to more crackpot shootings of Government officials. Obviously I'm not advocating anything, just noticing the advancement or degeneration of our social morals and the snuffing of flashpoints in history.

Now that we are all on the NSA watch list…

Thoughts from week 4:
1.Lenny is still without a write up. Good job little buddy! Don’t stew on it while you are watching the inlaws paint your house for a 3rd time.
2.I shot a cool 108 with Joe, Feder and Derek on Sunday. I’m also sure I destroyed about 10 Bud Tall boys.
3.I’m sad that I missed Ryan Crane hugging the bar at Copper door, and getting his first win!
4.Matt Leniert is a little bitch. “Ride with me or die?!” Is he out of his fucking mind?! If you suck and Kurt is better, your ass is collecting splinters, you herpes ridden baby-daddy.
5.Brady to Moss. Prolific.
6.Lions dropping 34 in the 4th quarter on the Bears. We are truly in a parallel universe.
7.Favre setting a touch down record. Somewhere madden is spooning with an inflatable Farve. Moose Johnson is jealous.
8.Culpepper had a hand in 5TDs this weekend. I’m almost certain that is 4 more than he had in his entire time in Miami. The Fish look at their pectoral fins and ponder what might have been.
9.Giants had 12 Sacks on McNabb this weekend (Umenyiora had 6 himself). So, Philly squeaks into the NL East playoff spot, but endures a beating of epic proportions at the hands of their NFC East rivals. Just another day in the land of Cheesesteaks and Yeungling.
10.Lastly, all Mets Fans should focus on Internet Porn, Xbox 360, YouTube, and Fantasy Football until you forget why you are mad. Amazing!

Until next week!