GB2K7: For Whom The Bag Tolls V

By: Balzac the Jaws of Death

Now, this is not meant to be a political column by any stretch of the imagination. This is merely social commentary, so I don’t want to hear from Crane and Bendler about how George Bush is a Messia or from Faron about how Guiliani is the Anti-Christ. Watching both sides get worked up over foreign policy, security, and civil rights decisions I keep expecting something big to happen. Well, I’ve been waiting for a while now. None of the hippies are doing anything beyond marching and smelling like patchouli, and none of the hawks are going any further than some light saber rattling in support of existing military action. In short, they’re all acting like a bunch of pussies right now. So I asked myself, “Where have all the lunatics gone?” In decades past there would be .306 bullets and tear gas flying everywhere. But now, all true crazies are busy with other things. They are too preoccupied to have an opinion or get agitated enough for the big fuse in their head to explode. What are they turning their attention on you ask?

1.Internet Porn: Instead of going out and getting the latest assault rifle with the 200x optical scope, the current day John Hinckley’s are at Costco buying industrial tubs of Jergen’s and rushing home to download the latest Jenna Jameson video and “treat their bodies like an amusement park”, to paraphrase Mrs. Costanza. Is the internet just a CIA plot to placate the masses of possible sharpshooters? Doubtful, but it was a nice side effect for them. With all those boobs to look at, they will never get around to buying that AK-47 “for deer hunting”. So, in essence, Real Player 7 and Quicktime are now a better defense for George Bush than a kevlar vest. Keep up the homeland security Vivid! On a side note, how the hell are college kids getting through school anymore?

2.XBOX 360/Playstation 3: Instead of reading every book on weaponry and arguing about how many hit points it takes for an Orc to kill a Troll, the latter day DD nerds that grow into militant-assualt-planning adults, are pacified by 36 hour marathon games of Half Life and World of Warcraft. Creating sporty names like “The Scatman” and “OneTonShotgun” these guys plow through Mountain Dew and bags of Doritos like it is there job…because it is. Now they are able to get out their aggression and frustration over being thrown into lockers by the jocks, by putting on the headset and sitting down to destroy incompetent gamers. Never has $600 bought so much safety and peace. Vive le Fragfest!

3.YouTube: Instead of acting out in real life, those martial arts obsessed fans can look up clips of their favorite movies and even film themselves reenacting their favorite scenes! As an added bonus we all get to see Justin Timberlake singing “Dick in a Box” whenever we want to. Obviously this isn’t fool proof, the incidents at Memphis and Virgina Tech are prime examples. But, no one from the Government has been hurt, so my hypothesis is still in the clear. Maybe YouTube fantatics just kill closer to campus now.

4.Fantasy Football: Which brings us to the biggest cause of job productivity problems and preoccupation of the fall season, ICWTFFL and GB2K7. With every male age 22-49 engaged with at least one fantasy football team, there is no time to plan an assassination. We are all much more preoccupied with how many TDs Farve can throw, and how well the Pats second string running back Sammy Morris will do as a spot start (Good job on pick ups this week F&CS!). We proud 4 take it to the next level of worrying about how well the worst teams in the NFL are currently doing and how their success correlates to the sweat on my balls next summer. Sadly, I really don’t have the time or inclination to give a shit about anything else. Call me what you will but it’s the truth.

Which leads me back to my original idea. When I was a kid I was playing outside all day, our parents got the news from the paper or the evening news and that was it. There were sparingly few things to divert their attention if things were going awry in the world, subsequently making everyone more disgruntled and pissed off.

I was beyond stoked to sit down with my Dad and watch a fuzzy signal from WSBK-TV38 in Boston as they showed a Bruins/Canadiens game. We both squinted and tried to see where the puck was through the disintegrating signal. Or watching Steve Grogan run around and try not to get his head taken off by the Bills and Dolphins (I’m pretty sure he was the only QB to ever wear a neck roll). That was big time entertainment. Obviously there was a lot of time to get upset about other things back then…Leading to more crackpot shootings of Government officials. Obviously I'm not advocating anything, just noticing the advancement or degeneration of our social morals and the snuffing of flashpoints in history.

Now that we are all on the NSA watch list…

Thoughts from week 4:
1.Lenny is still without a write up. Good job little buddy! Don’t stew on it while you are watching the inlaws paint your house for a 3rd time.
2.I shot a cool 108 with Joe, Feder and Derek on Sunday. I’m also sure I destroyed about 10 Bud Tall boys.
3.I’m sad that I missed Ryan Crane hugging the bar at Copper door, and getting his first win!
4.Matt Leniert is a little bitch. “Ride with me or die?!” Is he out of his fucking mind?! If you suck and Kurt is better, your ass is collecting splinters, you herpes ridden baby-daddy.
5.Brady to Moss. Prolific.
6.Lions dropping 34 in the 4th quarter on the Bears. We are truly in a parallel universe.
7.Favre setting a touch down record. Somewhere madden is spooning with an inflatable Farve. Moose Johnson is jealous.
8.Culpepper had a hand in 5TDs this weekend. I’m almost certain that is 4 more than he had in his entire time in Miami. The Fish look at their pectoral fins and ponder what might have been.
9.Giants had 12 Sacks on McNabb this weekend (Umenyiora had 6 himself). So, Philly squeaks into the NL East playoff spot, but endures a beating of epic proportions at the hands of their NFC East rivals. Just another day in the land of Cheesesteaks and Yeungling.
10.Lastly, all Mets Fans should focus on Internet Porn, Xbox 360, YouTube, and Fantasy Football until you forget why you are mad. Amazing!

Until next week!

Helllllllooooooo baglovers!

You read it right. After 24 agonizing, unbearable weeks, I'm back! I went write-up less a season ago, but I've stormed back with consecutive 1-0 weeks. I'm trailing Boe Bendler by a single game for the Overlord spot.

It's been a pretty horrible week for my sports teams. The Gators lost a heartbreaker on the road at LSU for Urban Meyer's first two-game losing streak, and the Yankees just got bounced from the playoffs in the first round for the third straight year. My fantasy teams both lost - and one of the losses was a 40-point teabagging by GB2K7's own Balsac the Jaws of Death. I feel like I just ate a stadium dog and found some mysterious blue gook inside.

There is a bright side, though... and it wears silver and black. My Raiders, owners of two, count 'em 2! wins last year, have won back-to-back games and are somehow tied for first place in the AFC West. I attribute their recent hot streak to one Arthur Mueller, Esq. betting me $50 that they wouldn't make 6 wins all year. Artie, you should practice the patented Crane faceplant into the bar for the day you have to pay that bet off. The Raiders had a buy by bye this week, but after Daunte's coming out party against Zee Poisonous Fish last week, nothing can stop the momentum. They're 5-starring Bark at the Moon. They've got the nuts. Every bar they go to has $5 pitchers, buy-backs, half-naked bartenders and smells a little like puke (oh wait, that's just The Patriot).

Washington is nut-punching teams left and right. They've rolled to a 3-1 record, culminated by stomping a mudhole in Detroit's ass on Sunday. The fact that it was a ***** BAG GAME ***** made it all that much sweeter. Detroit is free-falling - they gave up a 50-spot in Philly last week, and now their DBs are getting knocked the FUCK OUT by Washington's fullback. And to think I had these sperm burpers rated second out of the bag teams!

Randie's not too pleased about the dysfunctional bunch of misfits he drafted #1 overall. The Fish have Cleo Lemon starting at QB after Trent Green got carted off on a stretcher, and they found a way to gift-wrap a win for the surprising Texans in another ***** BAG GAME *****. The Dolphins are this year's Raiders - their coach looks like a lost puppy on the sidelines and their defense is old and decrepit. Randie plays with himself this week as the Fish travel to Cleveland. They're the only reason Randie's not throwing up a donut after week 5. The Shitstains got hoe-slapped by Tom "baby daddy" Brady and the Patsies, but they've got reason to believe with their out-of-nowhere QB lighting teams up. He's fourth in the AFC in passing behind Brady, Peytie Pie, and Matt Schaub. WTF!?

Boe-Boe continues to get good production out of his teams, but he's got to be hearing footsteps. He went 1-1 on the week as TB was Indy's weekly sacrificial lamb. Harrison and Addai were both out, but some random guy you never heard of rushed for 121 and 2 and Indy's offense had the ball for a mind-boggling 38 minutes. The Bucs had 74 yards after three quarters, most of it gained on one second-quarter drive. TB hopes to bounce back with the Titans coming in this week.

Shawn was watching rednecks drive around in circles on Sunday, but it's probably best that he didn't have to witness the thrashing Detroit took. At least Arizona pulled out a win over the completely helpless Rams. Matt Leinart, one the NFL's other famous baby-daddies, is out for the season with a chronic yeast infection. Kurt Warner takes over in Arizona.... or maybe that's his wife, I can't tell them apart. The Cards get a limping Carolina team at home this week and Shawn gets a break, i.e. Detroit's bye week.

Sorry for the short (and late) write-up, but there's going to be plenty of opportunities for me this year. I'm on a mission from god.

The write-up, apparently. Through the haze of fried food, Coors Light and obscenities over viewing party attendance, Randie's Shitstains and Fish found a way to combine for enough points to snag him his first write-up of the season. Everyone now has a write-up, and it's only week 6 - this is how it should be!

Hopefully I'll have the site fixed up in time for the baglovers email.

by Randie Swanberg

Well well well. A write up for yours truly. There was some conjecture amongst the ranks that I wouldn't get a write up all year. Well you can all go flog the dolphin. Yes I'm 3-9 but I accept my fate graciously. Like it matters. Wonder what would happen if Boeseph wins the overlord and I get the bag? Is it possible I'll outlast them once again? I'm freaking begging for the punishment here. I suppose I should have taken the Lions with the first pick. At least I would be in second place with the possibility of buying myself a new Dolphins jersey.

Speaking of flogging the dolphin, looks like my Fish have already given up on this season. This team has been marred by bad decisions since the hiring Jimmy Johnson in 1996 and make another questionable move by giving up their top wide out for a second round pick. Let's review some of the low lights, bad front office moves and coaching snafus over the past thirteen years, starting with Huizenga:

June, 1994 - Huizenga purchases majority interest in the Dolphins franchise and stadium.

April, 1995 - Dolphins select tackle Billy Milner in the first round. He plays two NFL seasons.

December 1995 - Dolphins lose 37 - 22 to Buffalo in the first round of the playoffs, ending Don Shula's long tenure as head coach as well as erasing any semblance of dignity within the franchise.

January 1996 - Jimmy Johnson signs a four year deal to coach the fish. Proceeds immediately to hishouse in Key Largo to go tarpon fishing and work on his hair.

August 1996 - Huizenga sells out (to the tune of $10M) and changes the stadium's name from Joe Robbie Stadium to Pro Player Park.

April 1997 - Dolphins select WR Yatil Green in the first round (15th Overall). After three seasons and 10 knee surgeries, his career stats are 9 games, 18 receptions for 234 yards.

August 1997 - Wide Receiver OJ McDuffie steals my wanna be girlfriend at the Elbow room on Ft. Lauderdale beach.

April 1998 - Dolphins select John Avery (29th Overall) in the first round. After just two NFL seasons, Avery went on to stellar careers for the XFL's Chicago Enforcers and the CFL's Edmonton Eskimos.

January 1999 - Dave Wannstedt is named assistant head coach. A cloud of doom settles over the city of Miami.

April 1999 - In a stunning series of front office maneuvers, the Fish trade down both first round picks and ultimately draft only 8 players in 15 rounds, 5 of which actually played a down in the NFL

January 2000 - Jimmy Johnson retires. His hair stays on as equipment manager. Wannstedt is named head coach. The cloud of doom transforms into a sweltering miasma of decomposing faith.

March 2000- Dan Marino retires. Dolphins sign 12 year veteran Thurman Thomas. Why?

September 2000 - Fish name Ivy league and fellow tribesman Jay (Don't call me Jason) Fiedler starting QB.

November 2000- vs. Jets the Monday Meltdown... nuff said

March 2002 - Fish trade a first and second round pick to the Saints for Ricky Williams. The contract should have included a lifetime supply of Paxil to combat the amount of reps Master Wannstedt required.

April 2003 - Fish sign the aging Junior Seau

January 2004 - Fish hire Dan Marino as Senior Vice President of Football Operations. This appointment lasted three weeks.

March 2004 - Fish trade a 2nd round pick (used to select Reggie Brown) to the Iggles for QB AJ Feely (who was drafted in the 5th round). Feely went on to earn a 61.7 QB rating while with Miami.

July 2004 - Ricky Williams announces his retirement. Moves to India to practice yoga, the ancient art of sticking one's head up one's own ass.

October 2004 - Versus New England on the road, the Fish net more penalty yards (86) than yards rushing (67). A pre game injury to K Olindo Mare thrusts Wes Welker into the role. Welker kicked a 29 yard FG, a PAT, kicked off and returned punts and kickoffs. He became the first player to do so. Nice job, I'm so glad we let you go Wes.

November 2004 - Wannstedt resigns! WHOOPIE, the curse has lifted. It's like a giant air filter has been placed over biscayne bay.

December 2004 - Fish hire Nick Saban, choke, choke, hock, spittle

September 2005 - Fish start the season with Gus Frerotte at QB

March 2006 - Fish get Dante Culpepper for a second rounder instead of paying Drew Brees. Not sure how bad that worked out. We're rid of the error prone QB and Bress sucks like a fluffer at a gang bang.

January 2007 - Saban quits. Said he'd rather play with boys than men.

January 2007 - Fish sign Cam Cameron to a four year deal. He's still waiting for his first win.

March 2007 - With a depleted secondary and offensive line, the Fish spend $32M on a five year deal for LB Joey Porter. In six games he has 20 tackles and Zero sacks. By comparison Zack Thomas has 44 tackles and one sack but missed two games.

June 2007 - Dolphins acquire concussion-prone Trent Green from KC for s conditional fifth rounder. Green gets knocked out in week 5 with a concussion. At least Joey Harrington is gone.

Of course there are so manyother bad mistakes, mostly on a game calling level that I can't even begin to get into. Is there a Shula in the house? This guy had 2 losing seasons in 26. Where are you Don? I miss you. Remember when we were the least penalized team for like 20 seasons. That was cool. Remember when we used to beat the crap out of everyone in our division? I do. Bring back the pride Cam. Oh and will someone please buy the team from Huizenga! He's fovever cursed for what he did to the 1997 Marlins.

I'm sure you're all thrilled to death at having to read this little trip down painful memory lane but hey, it's my write up and I'll cry if I want to.

Peace.

Randie

By: Balzac the Jaws of Death

Another week in the NFL and someway somehow my pathetic bag teams earned me a win this week. The lowly Lions managed to beat a “possibly gay” quarterback and a 9th string running back last week. Matt Millen sighs and waits for the eventual onslaught next week. Mike Martz continues to plan his escape from the peninsula. Since the Lions aren’t worth talking about any further, and my other bag team (AZ Cardinals) are currently deciding between starting a 1 armed Kurt Warner or the homeless Tim Rattay, I deem them also unworthy of further discussion.

What I want to talk about is survival, kids. When the chips are down and death is staring you in the face, who are you going to be? So far this year 30 NFL teams have lost and their bids for a perfect season have died out on the field as the final whistle blows. Covered in sweat, mud, blood, spit, tape, and tears the defeat comes crushing down. Last second field goals go through the uprights, only to find out the dickhead coach on the other sideline called a timeout a millisecond before the snap, negating the play and forcing your kicker to try that 52 yarder all over again with out that fresh leg. Errant passes slipping through fingertips and bouncing harmlessly on the field to groans and cheers of the various fans. Losing is brutal. Doing it kills you a little bit every time.

We have two teams with spotless records that continue to survive the battle and the conditions every week. Of course I am speaking of the undefeated Patriots and Colts. So who are these guys really? What will they do to survive? I though it might be best to take a peek at the popular survival shows and see how things shake out:

New England Patriots: These guys are like Les Stroud on Survivorman . No, they aren’t Canadians…well, some of them are…er, sorta Canadian. Les goes into the wilderness for 5 days survives in a harsh climate, carries his own camera gear, shoots the whole show himself, shit he even wrote and performed the introductory song (yeah it’s fucking weird hippy Bongo music, and the harmonica thing is creepy, but what the fuck!). This guy is even keel when he is pissing in a hole and trying to harvest the condensation from his own urine, eating scorpions off of a skewer, wading through frozen streams naked, and cutting his fingers to the bone demonstrating how to get water from a vine. This dude is Tom Brady. Nothing phases him. He delivers the monologue with the same even voice whether he just caught a rabbit and hadn’t eaten in 3 days or he just woke up from a long nap next to a fire. Cool as a cucumber all day long. Willing to do anything to survive. Completely comfortable with working with the tools he has to put together a win and get to the next game. Tom Brady is an honorary Canadian.

Indianapolis Colts: These guys are more like Bear Grylls from Man Versus Nature . They talk a big game, they might eat some maggots out of a log, or some rotting zebra flesh while the various camera men crowd around and shoot him choking for maximum gross out effect, but it’s all show. Later on he’s puking up his guts and then he goes back and sleeps in a hotel some nights between filming segments. He is not surviving; he is a farce. Crawling up rock faces under waterfalls isn’t survival, that’s just showing off for the camera. So keep waving your arms around at the line of scrimmage Peyton, keep putting on the show and pretending that you are doing something important. We can all see through you.

Can’t wait for the big showdown on Nov.4th!

Other random Thoughts:
1. The Fins are thinking about bringing back Ricky Williams this season. Seriously, why the fuck not? I would go if I lived in South Florida just to taunt him and scream about bong hits for 4 hours. Good times
2. USF is ahead of UF in the BCS. Wow…um…WOW!
3. Who the fuck is the back up QB for Jax? When Garrard went out, some dude named Gray came in. Seriously, you could tell me he was pulled out of the stands and I’d believe you.
4. Why is Pennington still the QB for the Jets? Hey Man-Genius, you’re 1-6, time to give the Clemmens kid some PT.
5. How did Testaverde get a call and Drew Bledsoe didn’t?
6. For that matter, can you remember a year when there were so many mediocre/no-name starting QBs in the league? Edwards, Gray, Rattay, Huard, Griese, Campbell, Jackson, Ferrote, Kitna, Lemon, Harrington, Smith, Carr…that’s 12 without even trying!
7. Good luck to Boe-Boe this weekend. Channel your inner Les Stroud and bring back another rug. With a little work, you too can be an honorary Canadian.

Until Next Week! Go Sox!

Balsac wins another write-up with a commanding 1-0 week as the Cards get a buy by bye. There was an overall scoring drought for the other bag teams... that is, except for the surprising Cleveland Steamers, who continued to put up points while denying the underachieving Rams of their first win (but at least the Fish still have a dance partner at the "we can't get any wins, or girlfriends" table).

Other observations from the weekend's drinking and football watching:

• Dan's fired for picking a bar that didn't have all the games on, and smelled like a combination of vomit and dirty socks. I think this effect was exacerbated by the frat party next to us blowing ass all night, but still. It was cheap, I'll give him that, but there were like 5 other bars within walking distance that had a lot more TVs.
  
• Tampa Bay came up short late once again. This game wasn't on anywhere close by, so I didn't get to actually SEE it, but you'd think even a bag team would be able to beat the likes of Quinn Gray and LaBrandon Toefield. Seriously, WTF? Is the Jags defense really this good?!
  
• As much as it pains me to say it, kudos to the New England area for having a ridiculous football team and winning another championship on the ballfield last night. Have fun with A-Rod next year. I heard the fans were chanting "don't sign A-Rod" after the game... you'd think them evoking the most hated Yankee after their team won just their second World Series in 89 years would be incentive enough to pass on signing him, but you don't think John Henry and Co. are that smart, do you?
  
• Indy whipped Carolina so thoroughly last night that there was a Jim Sorgi sighting. Yikes! And unlike that Patsies, they didn't put the starter back in after a little adversity. Good job Tony, no need for any more RUTS than necessary. He has class. He won't be wearing headbands or cut-off sweatshirts any time soon. (Nice job going for it on 4th down up 45-0 Belichick! DOUCHE!)
  
• ...and while we're talking about Peytie Pie, good job being the first NFL QB to beat all 31 teams. I hate you, but keep ratcheting up those fantasy stats.
  
• The first NFL game outside the US was... like watching flies fuck. Seriously, even Giants and Dolphins fans had to hate this. The turf looked like brown pudding, the teams looked lethargic and the fans did the wave in the first quarter. Giant Jason Taylor should have breathed fire or something like Eddie, that would have made it interesting at least.
  
• ...and while we're talking about the Giants, WTF is up with Eli, anyway? Is he Peyton's bitch at, like, EVERY family function? How is he still a starting QB in the league? I guess when Gus Frerotte, Kelly Holcomb, Tim Rattay, Quinn Gray, etc. etc. etc. are all starting, the Giants figure he's not THAT bad. Oh, but he is.
  
• I officially rescind my predictions about Daunte Culpepper having a breakout year. Wow, does he suck. With multiple opportunities to take the lead in the fourth quarter, Culpepper found a way to seal defeat with surprising immobility and horribly non-existent deep touch. Mike Williams, a Detroit cast-off, mercifully ended the comeback bid with a tits-for-hands drop of what would have been a first down with just over a minute left deep in Titans territory. As Lane Kiffin said after the game, "this is getting old."
  

By: Balsac the Jaws of Death

In the immortal words of Carl Spackler: "I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over. I guess it's just a matter of pumping about 5,000 gallons of water down there to teach you a lesson. Is that it? I think it is! ". The Patriots are pissed off. They want your lunch money. If you don't give it up right now, they are going to meet you at the bike racks at 3 o'clock and beat you until the other kids feel bad for you and pull them off, then they are going to run back and kick you in the face when everyone thinks the fight is over. Then they are going to walk off laughing and whistling. They just don't care what people think anymore. It's best to hand over the 25 cents at this point and just skip the confrontation. My favorite team has turned into a group of bullies...and I must admit, I'm enjoying watching the show.

Team members have a choice of Halloween costumes this year: Nelson Muntz (Ha-HA!), Johnny from Karate Kid, Jason, Freddy, Dr. Doom, Lex Luther, or Bizzaro Superman. Bellichick will be Darth Vader. They have been stealing eggs and shaving cream from the local Stop & Shop for weeks now. But that won't be enough. On Halowwen night they will all raid Boe-Boe's gun closet for maximum killing potential. Like I said, they just don't care any more. they are planning a Columbine style assualt on The Colts in their own Dome.

The Colts will all be dressed as firemen, cops, ninja turtles, clowns, and army men. it won't matter. Peyton will try his best in the Lone Ranger uniform, but he just can't get as evil as the team coming to town. he will go home crying. His candy bag will have a big hole in the bottom. There will be no Milky Ways with Kenny Chesney this year.

For the last few weeks it wasn't "if they win...", it was "how badly can they beat these guys?" or "can they score at least 34 again?". I can't wait to see this game.

Big news on the job front this week. Balsac's wife started a new gig at KPMG out in NJ. Also, our own Bag Boy Randie has cut ties with his former employer and is blazing the trail himself. let us all applaud and drool over the prospect of being our own boss. I would give myself a raise everyday and beer at lunch. But then I would probably have to fire myself for getting too expensive and too drunk. Hmmm...maybe I'm not set up for that gig. At anyrate, I'm still jealous. maybe we can get Randie Corporate sponsorship for the GB2K7 this year....are we a non profit?

Thoughts for the week:
1. Um, so the Lions won apparently. Good for them. Unfortunately, I still don't care. Enough about the Lions.
2. The Cardinals had a bye week. Awesome. We don't have to talk about them either.
3. How bad is David Carr if you pick Vinny Testaverde to start over him? I mean, the coaching staff is basically saying, "We're gona start the guy who was sitting on his couch 2 weeks ago over you David. No, no, it's nothing you did...". Then when he gets knocked out, they have Carr handing the ball off on 3rd and 10 when the game is still in reach. Miserable times.
4. The Fins succeed in doing something no one else has done before: Losing a regular season game in Europe. Good work! Ted Ginn did catch a nice pass though, so you should really feel good about that first round pick right?
5. Pennington to the pine. Chad can fill his gatorade with vodka and fruit slices this week. He won't see the field.
6. Drew Brees finally woke up from whatever Hurricane induced hangover he was working.
7. I want to hear what Boe-Boe shot this weekend...anything? A Beer? A Bolf? A Boyote?
8. Jacoby Ellsbury is better than you...at everything. he also has a World Sewries Ring.
9. A-Rod is a douche and I hope he goes to the Angels.
10. I think the Giants hav ethe easiest scheudle in the league: DAL, GB, WAS, PHI, NYJ, ATL, SF, MIA, DAL, DET, MIN, CHI, PHI, WAS, BUF, NE. So through the entire season they have to face 3 playoff teams. Unreal.
11. Favre just keeps winning. They even got something out of the running game this week.
12. Lenny Management: When angry about the Raiders, buy Lenny a shot. If head is on bar at time of purchase, lift head, administer shot manually. Angry Silent Lenny should return to Angry Vocal Lenny in about 30 seconds. Much better for moral.
13. I need advice on the best protection for our pad this Halloween. I'm thinking of just getting a bucket of rocks to keep by the front door to throw at the kids. I guess I could get a paint ball gun too. I welcome any and all ideas!

Until next week!