Week 3: A General Sense of the Creeps

By Joe-Joe

Here I am in the writer’s seat once again. Last week saw me miss most of the NFL action for self-inflicted golfing reasons; this week however, I was busy working for “the man” on a creep-inducing mission. More on that later.

All that aside, I’m kinda digging the no frills look of the site this year. It reminds me of all the store-brand cereal I used to eat as a kid. No Cookie Crisp or Peanut Butter Crunch for me - strictly puffed rice or corn flakes! I think I must thank my parents in hindsight though, since I managed to get through elementary school without any kind of mental vagaries.

The downside of our site having all the glitz and glammer of a can of government corn, however, is the fact that we don’t have the standings listed. So I’ll revert to the old-school summaries to keep you in the loop.

Joe-Joe (4-2)

St. Louis 3 Tampa Bay 24

Stephen “The Predator” Jackson finally got on track with a 100+ yard game, but much like the wealthiest guy at a group dinner, the Tampa defense has been surprisingly stingy.

Tampa travels to play fellow 2-1 conference rival Carolina next week in a game sure to be a hit from Publix to Shoney’s.

Indianapolis 30 Houston 24

It was a given that the Texans were going to lose, but they kept it close despite losing two RB’s and Andre Johnson.

Houston will be hiding its dogs this week as it travels to a somewhat biteless 0-3 Atlanta. Be sure to tune in to see which team can gain the bragging rights in the Frustratingly Boring yet Stiflingly Humid City Bowl.

Shawn (3-3)

Detroit 21 Philadelphia 56

Surely McNabb took a couple extra Angry Pills this week after venting about the additional scrutiny he feels he is subjected to as a “black quarterback”. I did notice that Kornheiser and Jaws were blowing mucho smoko at Vince Young on MNF - during what my eyes viewed as a fairly ho-hum performance (14-22, 164 yds 2 TDs, 1 INT). In all fairness to McNabb, you never see the media make a big deal out of it every time a white defensive back gets burned for a TD…unless that is you consider Jason Sehorn’s eight years with the Giants. Oh the pressure!!! How did Jason ever hold it all in???

Detroit hosts the offensively challenged Bears this weekend. Hopefully - for the Bears sake - a certain Florida Gator will be relieved of the helm.

Arizona 23 Baltimore 26

Seriously. I can’t figure it out. How can so many elite college QB’s just plain suck at the pro level? The fact that Kurt Warner was put in due to a struggling Matt Leinert derails my brain. I mean, I know there is something to be said for experience playing at “game speed”, but hell, even I could get to the All-Madden level in the QB Pocket Presence Drills in Madden ’05. Christ. Just imagine how frickin’ AWESOME I would be if I spent the last two years playing that sucker for a living?!?! I certainly would have enough pride to earn my check and not let some old-timer steal my thunder. That’d be like losing a game of beer-pong to your dad.

Arizona will host 3-0 Pittsburg for its Week 4 loss.

Lenny (3-3)

Lenny is just about bursting for a write up. Much has transpired in Herr Leonardworth’s life since he last scribed a weekly post on this blog, but nary a tale has he been able to share in writing. I’ll fill you in:

Gators.…Promotion…Yankees…More Gators…Anniversary…Homebuying…More Yankees…Garbage Bag. If I missed anything, just sprinkle some more Yankees and Gators (and uh, hello, drinking). Add a couple button-down shirts in the wardrobe and a horrible fantasy football draft, and this paragraph may as well serve as an official biography.

Cleveland 24 Oakland 26

Much like an undersized coyote wounded by two rounds from a high powered hunting rifle with a 10X scope, Lenny’s love for the Raiders dies hard. He went out on a limb drafting them again, but his loyalty, nostalgia for the days of Eazy-E’s solo career, and utter lack of rationality left him risking a second dose of the plastic. Week 3 showed ‘em that Eazy still Duz It by popping a cap into Randie’s Bone Thugs-N- Cleveland Steamers.

Another bagtastic match-up this weekend as Lenny’s Raiders take on Randie’s Dolphins!!! I recommend side wagers - this one will be personal!!!

Giants 24 Redskins 17

Stat of the Week:

Reuben Droughns 3 Rush, 3 Yards, 2 TDs. How’s that for a slugging percentage???

The Skins have a bye this week, which I think is good timing. I fear a rash of injuries coming in Week 4.

Randie (1-4)

The two-time defending champ finds himself in an early hole. Are his teams going to fight back, and arise victoriously from the depths of despair ala Rocky II? Or are they going to fight back, only to suffer very painful and public humiliation, ala Brittney Spears?

Cleveland 24 Oakland 26

Bone bone bone bone, bone, bone, bone bone! Cleveland ventured to Oakland and realized that Too Short already had the block on lock. For a dime bag and cassingle of Tupac’s “I Get Around”, the Raiders were allegedly able to bribe the Brown’s kicker into blowing the game winning field goal.

Miami 28 Jets 31

I shouldn’t really be making fun of the Browns, as they are the better of Randie’s two teams. Despite a ridiculous personal effort by one Ronnie Brown (23 Rush, 112 yds 2 TDs; 6 Rec, 99 yds, 1 TD) the Dolphins proved that while there *are* two "I's" in "Miami", there is no "I" in "Team". I sense there will be some self-loathing taking place over the course of the next dozen or so weeks.

********************************************************************

As I alluded in the outset, I’ve had a creepy week thus far. Rather than watching football and drinking beer on Sunday as is my civic goddam duty, I had to attend out-of-town meetings for work. So just as I’m preparing to sit through a long non-descript meeting in a non-descript hotel meeting room, a business acquaintance from the local area leans over and whispers in a hushed and unsettling manner, “I’m really surprised you chose to have your meetings at this hotel…”

So basically I wish I didn’t read and watch the Shining 16 times, because every time I go into the bathroom I expect to see the corpse of a 90 year-old lady in the tub, and when I open my door to an empty hallway I get goose bumps on my neck waiting to see blood drip down the walls and brace myself for a hatchet to hit me between the goddam shoulder blades!

In memory of my stay at the Bates Motel, I leave you with this song, which has been in my head nonstop for four days.

Social Distortion The Creeps

I'll be vigilant, I'll be silent Yes, know one will know. You want something for nothing, A toast on your grave!! [Chorus:] "I just wanna give you the CREEPS!! The CREEPS!! The CRE-HEEPS!!" Run and hide when I'm on the streets, Your fears and your tears I'll taunt you in your sleep!! [Chorus:] "I just wanna give you the CREEPS!! The CREEPS!! The CRE-HEEPS"