GB2K7: For Whom The Bag Tolls V

It's the 2007 NFL Season and not a moment too soon! Welcome back for another year of Baggage. We'll be here each week to entertain you with our NFL / dive bar recap complete with hazy details of our drunken NYC shenanigans. This is by far the worst pool of teams ever assembled. All are bag veterans and most are repeat offenders. Here's what happened at the payoff:

Randie - Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins
Joe - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
Shawn - Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals
Lenny - Oakland Raiders, Washington Redskins

My preseason rankings are:

Shawn
Lenny
Joe
Me

Yeah I'm pretty certain I'll be in the bag. In an effort to make it sporting for my bagmates I went with my heart and took the Fish with the first pick. How many years in a row can I win this thing anyway? That's why I'm calling my 2007 Campaign, Return to the Bag. I miss the bag. I want the bag. I just wasn't going to take Detroit with the first pick. Some team will blow up for ten wins this year and I'm betting it's Miami. Lenny and I are really behind on the new website and payoff pics but I assure you that there are some classic shots. We should be launching really soon. In the meantime I hope you continue to enjoy Eddie.

Week 1 ***BAG MATCHUP*** pits Lenny's Raiders at Shawn's Lions. Oh my!

Payoff Recap!

Sorry this has taken so long but I had to let a few weeks go by to calm the ire. For those of you who missed it, the winner is... Me. Yes, once again, 'tis I. For the fourth straight year I was the last man standing at the end of the Payoff. Now just to be perfectly clear, this is not something I'm proud of. Seriously, I'm tired of being alone at the end of the night. My first wish is that one day my bag mates will make it past midnight. I'd love to have a toast with them at the end of the night, say our goodbyes and call it an evening. Maybe do a ceremonial ripping of the bag or something. My second wish is that they actually say goodbye instead of the traditional hocus pocus. It seems as if the restless spirit of Harry Houdini has become a regular attendee of the Payoff and perhaps should be inducted into our Hall of Shame. Whatever. To those who came out and stayed past 11:15 I say thanks for your support, I had a great time. Sorry you had to endure my ranting, raving, resigning and kicking of the trash can. I'm much better now :P

I knew Shawn was fading as soon as we got to Blue and Gold. You can always tell with him: his mouth and eyes get as wide as bagels. He looks right through you in this really vacant way. He kind of teeters from side to side as if he's going to lose it at any second and yet somehow, by sticking his tongue out he manages to keep it together. What made him more bizarre was the face paint job. Combine the wide eyed scary stare, the Browns face paint and the horrible red eye that my camera did to him and he looked like some kind of psychotic reject from the broadway musical Cats. He did, however, get all of his pictures! Señor Joe Joe barely made it into Mars Bar (Bar #3). He felt the wrath of Mike and James and put the ball on the ground one too many times. This is the absolute least that could happen considering he failed to get the correct Jersey for the payoff then whined about it until he was so shit-canned he couldn't speak. Can we institute the Wanker Whiner rule in GB2K7? He showed up in a Jets jersey? That was my team Josephus. All we had to do was loosen him up with a couple of shots and it was only a matter of time. I was having a very normal conversation with Lenny about it who was in as much disbelief as I was over Joe Joe's inability to pay his penalty. We were discussing his recent disappearance and how he must be some kind of lightweight when Lenny confided in me that he believes, and I quote, "I can pretty much drink anyone in this bar under the table." Well needless to say those were the last words I heard uttered from Lenny's mouth that night. Upon arrival at 7B, I received the report from my cousin that outside of Blue and Gold, Julie shoved the now blacked-out Herr "I Can Drink You Under the Table" Herold into a cab right before hailing one for herself and Mr. Shitzgerald. Further reports from Mrs. I Can Drink You Under the Table stated that he was running around his living room naked and angry until he passed out on his couch later that night. Here's the quandary: I swear Lenny was fine when I spoke to him which was 15 minutes before he vanished into the gullet of the yellow monster. He seemed too sober and it made me feel quite inadequate as the Overlord. To the best of my recollection FShawn was drinking PBRs all night so - eh, yeah he got blasted on PBRs? Really? I want to see the Beeramid to prove it! And Joe Joe, well he failed to live up to his end of the Payoff. The whole point of the Bag Bet is the the Payoff and the second place finisher has to spend $80 on a crappy jersey that they'll never wear again. Those are the rules. I have a Texans jersey sitting in my drawer that I'm hoping to repurpose some day. Lenny has Shawn's Detroit Jersey. Somehow we both managed to get it done? It would be like Shawn failing to buy paint or Lenny refusing to wear the bag! When Shawn wore the Jersey he donned a Lions hat, wrist bands and Koozie and he also instituted the temporary tattoo idea for the paint facer. You need to step up your game! Berto is running out of Wonder bread bags. I want to institute a 4 bar minimum for participants. If you can't make it to the 4th bar, you get sent down. Just a thought.

End of Rant.

Week 1: Return of the Plastic Man and Friends!

By Balsac the Jaws of Death

Welcome Bag Fans!

Ah, Football has returned to cast it’s warming glow upon our smiling drunken faces. With this new bag year upon us, we are going to attempt to move on from a messy payoff night that saw all 3 of the underlings flame out after only 4 bars. Are we getting old? Say it ain’t so! I remember a shot of Yeager in Mars bar, then laughing as I repeatedly threw Crane into the big stack of empty case boxes and giggled to myself. I think my last coherent thought ran through my head as I was doing this… “Uh-oh, Bad Shawn is making his way out of the cage…”. Next thing I knew I was slapping Lenny to keep him awake in Blue and Gold and Joe-Joe had slipped out of the Wonder-bag handcuffs and fled into the night.

While we honor the past, we salute the future. Up, up and away! Joe is terribly concerned that people might be able to Google his name and find out about this bet, thereby destroying all hopes of a Wendler-Crane Republican ticket in 2020. So, I need to make sure I don’t use any phrases like “Boe Bendler BEERracuse”, or “Boseph Baniel Bendler likes guys”, and definitely not “Boe Bendler drinks until he throws up”. I think I might really be “up Boe Bendler’s ass” if were I to do that. These things must be avoided at all costs, so from here on out, we’ll just refer to him as Joe-Joe. There, that should work. He needs a JJ logo like Wonder woman for the rest of the season to maintain his anonymity. The invisible jet will need to be replaced by an invincible '87 Jetta. The golden lariat and tube top will be substituted by a Mets jersey and a magic hot dog....fulla mustaaaahhhhd.

Since Randie has been born again, and Leonard and I have hit rock bottom in bag humilation already, we have no concerns about our reputations.

The teams for this year are:

Randie - Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins
Joe-Joe - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans
Shawn - Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals
Lenny - Oakland Raiders, Washington Redskins

I’ll give Houston/Washington the early lead as the best teams in the bet this year. They will be playing “Apache Chief” to everyone else’s Zann and Jayna. Form of a Bucket of PBR! Form of a Urinal to piss it in! These are truly the worst teams we have ever had to deal with. There are no “injury teams” that found themselves in the bet through bad luck. All of these teams are of the “short bus extraordinaire” variety. Seriously, I think 12 wins will take it this season.

Random Thoughts that made me Giggle or Cringe:

1. Brady to Moss: 3TDs and 183 yards later, they are smelling like teen spirit.
2. The Jets faithful cheering as Pennington limped off the field to save the team a time out. Fucking savages.
3. Seeing a chicken bone on the sidewalk of 50th Street on my way to McCoy’s to watch the games. Geez, it made me think of Queens and the guy that got shot in the head at our old Broadway stop. Can’t say I miss either of those.
4. The fact that it took the Dog Pound only 4:23 into the 1st quarter to call for Brady Quinn. What no love for Charlie Frye? Derek Anderson?
5. Norte Dame is missing Quinn and Samardzija…isn’t he playing baseball now?!
6. Michigan really sucks.
7. Brady and Leinert are both Baby-Daddies. But, nothing can compare to Travis Henry’s 9 kids by 9 different women….seriously. He borrowed money from the Titans to pay child support. Wow.
8. McNabb looks like McCrap this year. Drafting Kolb looks better and better now.
9. Lenny sporting a new Gannon jersey and fleeing to the end of the bar to yell at the TVs as the Raiders gave the game to the Lions…
10. Lenny extended his “writeup-less streak” to 18 weeks. Good job Herr Leonard!
11. Chad Johnson’s HOF Jacket after his first TD of the year.
12. My favorite part of the weekend: John Cashin flying back from Bermuda, droping his bags at home and showing up in time to watch some football. Ballsy! Then asking “So, this whole fantasy football thing, this isn’t the one wear you wear the bag is it? I didn’t sign up for that, did I?” No John, we’re the only 4 idiots that are stupid enough for that one.

Until next week!

GB2K7 - Week 2 - I Ain’t Down with Any Superheroes

By Joe-Joe

Another year, another theme that is over my head…

For those of you that I haven’t seen since the payoff, let me just thank you for the abuse handed to me. I think everybody should endure having to carry a football around for a day, with the caveat of buying a drink or doing a shot for anyone who manages to cause a fumble-rooskie. It would have been something to film all of them, and then put it to a highlight reel narrated by Chris Berman. I can almost hear all the “Whups!”, “Fum-Bulllllllls!” and “*Coughs*”. I’m pretty sure I set the mark in futility. Of course at some point there was a spectacular fumble directly in front of the taps of a bar, causing mass spillage and almost inciting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty to be handed down from the bartender. Much to the Overlord’s displeasure, I went “rumblin’ and stumblin’” into the night fairly quickly. When it came to kicking off 2007, I couldn’t even remember which of the bag teams I drafted.

Sigh.

I wasn’t able to watch any football this weekend, being that I am on the West Coast and spent Sunday on a golf course. By the time I got back to my hotel, only the New England Signal Stealers-San Diego Chargers gamed remained. (God knows, Francis - and God doesn’t like cheaters. Hopefully you will continue to pray for Sinner Belichick.) From the looks of things, LT could have used some liquid anger in the form of Jager and Cuervo shots to break through the defenses.

Only time will separate the pretenders from the contenders, but three bag teams have managed to hit the 2-0 mark, including my Texans. And other bag teams are coming up with some surprises as well. I still can’t get my mind around the fact that Cleveland managed to drop 51 points on the Bengals, or that Brett Farve has thrown more touchdowns than interceptions. But of course *some* of the bag teams are already in mid season form…perhaps we will see some pastel face paint this year.

The pro football teams representing New York state are a combined 0-6. At what point should one contact his Senator?

Week 3: A General Sense of the Creeps

By Joe-Joe

Here I am in the writer’s seat once again. Last week saw me miss most of the NFL action for self-inflicted golfing reasons; this week however, I was busy working for “the man” on a creep-inducing mission. More on that later.

All that aside, I’m kinda digging the no frills look of the site this year. It reminds me of all the store-brand cereal I used to eat as a kid. No Cookie Crisp or Peanut Butter Crunch for me - strictly puffed rice or corn flakes! I think I must thank my parents in hindsight though, since I managed to get through elementary school without any kind of mental vagaries.

The downside of our site having all the glitz and glammer of a can of government corn, however, is the fact that we don’t have the standings listed. So I’ll revert to the old-school summaries to keep you in the loop.

Joe-Joe (4-2)

St. Louis 3 Tampa Bay 24

Stephen “The Predator” Jackson finally got on track with a 100+ yard game, but much like the wealthiest guy at a group dinner, the Tampa defense has been surprisingly stingy.

Tampa travels to play fellow 2-1 conference rival Carolina next week in a game sure to be a hit from Publix to Shoney’s.

Indianapolis 30 Houston 24

It was a given that the Texans were going to lose, but they kept it close despite losing two RB’s and Andre Johnson.

Houston will be hiding its dogs this week as it travels to a somewhat biteless 0-3 Atlanta. Be sure to tune in to see which team can gain the bragging rights in the Frustratingly Boring yet Stiflingly Humid City Bowl.

Shawn (3-3)

Detroit 21 Philadelphia 56

Surely McNabb took a couple extra Angry Pills this week after venting about the additional scrutiny he feels he is subjected to as a “black quarterback”. I did notice that Kornheiser and Jaws were blowing mucho smoko at Vince Young on MNF - during what my eyes viewed as a fairly ho-hum performance (14-22, 164 yds 2 TDs, 1 INT). In all fairness to McNabb, you never see the media make a big deal out of it every time a white defensive back gets burned for a TD…unless that is you consider Jason Sehorn’s eight years with the Giants. Oh the pressure!!! How did Jason ever hold it all in???

Detroit hosts the offensively challenged Bears this weekend. Hopefully - for the Bears sake - a certain Florida Gator will be relieved of the helm.

Arizona 23 Baltimore 26

Seriously. I can’t figure it out. How can so many elite college QB’s just plain suck at the pro level? The fact that Kurt Warner was put in due to a struggling Matt Leinert derails my brain. I mean, I know there is something to be said for experience playing at “game speed”, but hell, even I could get to the All-Madden level in the QB Pocket Presence Drills in Madden ’05. Christ. Just imagine how frickin’ AWESOME I would be if I spent the last two years playing that sucker for a living?!?! I certainly would have enough pride to earn my check and not let some old-timer steal my thunder. That’d be like losing a game of beer-pong to your dad.

Arizona will host 3-0 Pittsburg for its Week 4 loss.

Lenny (3-3)

Lenny is just about bursting for a write up. Much has transpired in Herr Leonardworth’s life since he last scribed a weekly post on this blog, but nary a tale has he been able to share in writing. I’ll fill you in:

Gators.…Promotion…Yankees…More Gators…Anniversary…Homebuying…More Yankees…Garbage Bag. If I missed anything, just sprinkle some more Yankees and Gators (and uh, hello, drinking). Add a couple button-down shirts in the wardrobe and a horrible fantasy football draft, and this paragraph may as well serve as an official biography.

Cleveland 24 Oakland 26

Much like an undersized coyote wounded by two rounds from a high powered hunting rifle with a 10X scope, Lenny’s love for the Raiders dies hard. He went out on a limb drafting them again, but his loyalty, nostalgia for the days of Eazy-E’s solo career, and utter lack of rationality left him risking a second dose of the plastic. Week 3 showed ‘em that Eazy still Duz It by popping a cap into Randie’s Bone Thugs-N- Cleveland Steamers.

Another bagtastic match-up this weekend as Lenny’s Raiders take on Randie’s Dolphins!!! I recommend side wagers - this one will be personal!!!

Giants 24 Redskins 17

Stat of the Week:

Reuben Droughns 3 Rush, 3 Yards, 2 TDs. How’s that for a slugging percentage???

The Skins have a bye this week, which I think is good timing. I fear a rash of injuries coming in Week 4.

Randie (1-4)

The two-time defending champ finds himself in an early hole. Are his teams going to fight back, and arise victoriously from the depths of despair ala Rocky II? Or are they going to fight back, only to suffer very painful and public humiliation, ala Brittney Spears?

Cleveland 24 Oakland 26

Bone bone bone bone, bone, bone, bone bone! Cleveland ventured to Oakland and realized that Too Short already had the block on lock. For a dime bag and cassingle of Tupac’s “I Get Around”, the Raiders were allegedly able to bribe the Brown’s kicker into blowing the game winning field goal.

Miami 28 Jets 31

I shouldn’t really be making fun of the Browns, as they are the better of Randie’s two teams. Despite a ridiculous personal effort by one Ronnie Brown (23 Rush, 112 yds 2 TDs; 6 Rec, 99 yds, 1 TD) the Dolphins proved that while there *are* two "I's" in "Miami", there is no "I" in "Team". I sense there will be some self-loathing taking place over the course of the next dozen or so weeks.

********************************************************************

As I alluded in the outset, I’ve had a creepy week thus far. Rather than watching football and drinking beer on Sunday as is my civic goddam duty, I had to attend out-of-town meetings for work. So just as I’m preparing to sit through a long non-descript meeting in a non-descript hotel meeting room, a business acquaintance from the local area leans over and whispers in a hushed and unsettling manner, “I’m really surprised you chose to have your meetings at this hotel…”

So basically I wish I didn’t read and watch the Shining 16 times, because every time I go into the bathroom I expect to see the corpse of a 90 year-old lady in the tub, and when I open my door to an empty hallway I get goose bumps on my neck waiting to see blood drip down the walls and brace myself for a hatchet to hit me between the goddam shoulder blades!

In memory of my stay at the Bates Motel, I leave you with this song, which has been in my head nonstop for four days.

Social Distortion The Creeps

I'll be vigilant, I'll be silent Yes, know one will know. You want something for nothing, A toast on your grave!! [Chorus:] "I just wanna give you the CREEPS!! The CREEPS!! The CRE-HEEPS!!" Run and hide when I'm on the streets, Your fears and your tears I'll taunt you in your sleep!! [Chorus:] "I just wanna give you the CREEPS!! The CREEPS!! The CRE-HEEPS"