by: Joe-Joe

I don’t know where to begin. It seems like just yesterday I was parading around all the bars in Tribeca (at least the ones that would have us) on a hot summer evening with rest of the clowns. With my feet securely wrapped in bags of plastic, I was inspired by visions of untold fortunes at the hands of two of the worst teams the NFL has to offer. And here it is, a full NFL regular season has played itself out and I was thisclose to being the first rookie in the history of Bagdom to win it all. I certainly won my fair share of write-ups (seven counting this one), but much like being Vice-President in a game of Asshole, being runner-up still makes you an all-out biatch. Only in the bag bet, there is no cheating your way up to President. There are no wild cards to pretend you don’t have; no hidden crevices to hide all the shitty cards that keep you fetching beers and taking verbal abuse; and there is no one drunk enough to not realize that you dealt them a bogus hand while they were watering the proverbial plants.

So to my fellow bag participants: It has been an honor participating in your noble antics and I will succumb to my fate with dignity. Congratulations to Randie on successfully defending his crown. Just like the big smelly guy on the subway platform with a finger two-knuckles deep into his nostril, he knows he can pick a winner.

Randie (18-14)

Green Bay 26 Chicago 7
This is the game that killed me. By the time I arrived at Herr Herold’s place on New Year’s Eve, (after walking 8 extra blocks due to the closure of the 49th street subway station and talking my way past the NYPD who blocked off his street), the unthinkable had happened: the 49ers pulled out a victory in Denver, and Jeff Garcia had successfully navigated the surging Eagles past the Falcons. All I needed to take my place on the throne was for the Bears to beat the Packers! Unfortunately, the Bears weren’t playing for anything and this didn’t bode well for my prospects at bag royalty. When I saw Brett Favre smile after leading the Packers to a 16-0 lead early in the second quarter, it was as if he was smiling at me – letting me know he had read my smack talking in Week 9 and that he would unleash his revenge.

Shortly after that, I stopped paying attention. Not because the game wasn’t interesting or because I gave up hope, mind you, it’s just that after a couple of speed shots off Lenny’s dazzling lazy-susan liquor contraption, the call of the twin sirens Guitar Hero and DDR were too much to resist. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s making a fool of myself, and I rarely pass up an opportunity to flaunt my fool-making ability.

In any event, I am contemplating putting a Green #4 in the Wonder Bread bag that I’m going to have to wear on my hand during the payoff, in the hopes it is some kind of sacrilegious voodoo. Take note, Mr. Favre: Should you find your hand sweating profusely and reeking of limburger cheese while you are busy playing horseshoes and eating crawfish at home in the Louisiana bayou this summer, you’ll know I’m enacting my revenge. (Then again, if you are eating crawfish and playing horseshoes in the Louisiana bayou, there is a good chance your hand will be greasy and stinky anyway. Sigh.)

Oakland 3 Jets 23 ***Bag Game***
Two of the worst groups of fans in the Western Hemisphere, in my opinion. I’d rather watch a taping of Rosie O’Donnell than have to listen to some of the horse-shit that comes out of the pie-holes sitting in the stands at this game. I only wish Oakland had won. I cringe at the thought of the absolute nonsense that will be spewed on the local sports shows about how “good” this Jets team is. I’m sure Fitzy will be glued to a TV come next weekend, hoping the Jets don’t land a lucky haymaker and knock the Pats out of the playoffs. Who will win? Obi Wan Belichick, or his rebel son Darth Mangini?

Joe (17-15)

I have to admit I didn’t watch a lot of football last Sunday; I needed to win one more game than Randie in order to be crowned Overlord, and with San Fran playing Denver and the Jets getting a guaranteed “W” against the Raiders, I didn’t have much hope. Not to mention, I spent most of the day watching a “Man vs. Wild” marathon on the Discovery channel after getting sucked in at like 10:00 A.M. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Dude…eats…live…snakes. And like every 9 year-old wishes they could, he actually killed a rabbit by throwing a stick at it. He then peeled its skin off like a glove, cooked it over a fire, and enjoyed eating its nutritious little carcass.

As a result of my second place finish, I have to wear a 49ers jersey and carry a football around all night. If anyone manages to knock it from my clutches, I am to buy a shot of that person’s choosing and either drink it or give it to them. I am assuming the Overlord will make me wear the “late-write-up-penalty” Wonder Bread bag on my drinking hand. That will suck.

Atlanta 17 Philly 23
The Eagles, Jets, and Saints all went from division doormat to playoff participant in one season. While the Jets can chalk part of it up to their new coach, and the Saints can chalk some up to goodwill/league shenanigans/national pity, the Eagles relied on Jeff Garcia (10 TDs 2 INTs) in winning 5 of 6 games filling in for McNabb. They’ll play the Giants in the first round (ug BOTH crappy NY teams are in the playoffs), and look to go 2-1 against the cause of more than one of Mike Francesa’s wet dreams. (Aside: I’ll bet you $100 Francesa has a poster of Derek Jeter on the ceiling above his bed.)

San Francisco 26 Denver 23
I can’t talk bad about a team that goes from being the preseason consensus worst overall team to a team with enough chutzpa to knock out a playoff contender in OT and finish with a respectable 7-9 record. Frank Gore gets a game ball from me for his performance this year: 1,695 yards, 5.4 yards per carry, and 8 TDs.

Shawn (14-18)

To the casual observer, these were two completely meaningless games. But such is the beauty of the bag bet because to Shawn they offered a final – albeit slim – hope of keeping off the dreaded face paint. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I understand there are drinking establishments in this town that don’t turn on the A/C, even on the hottest, muggiest, wretchedly odiferous summer nights. It’s enough to make greasy, dog-poop brown face paint melt down your cheeks like so much mascara from a crying hooker – if you happen to be wearing it. Yeesh! I’m glad it’s not me! Unlike a prostitute, Shawn won’t be able to fantasize about Richard Gere sweeping him up and turning him into a legitimate woman. He’ll have to turn his tricks, pay his pimp, and take his beating. My bet is that the humiliation of the face paint - coupled with a few shots of some truly vile concoctions - will cause Angry Shawn to come out. I will have to hold my ball tightly, and use my bag/drinking hand to guard against any errant fists-to-the-nits.

Carolina 31 New Orleans 21
With no playoff implications to speak of, the Saints start some scrubby 12-year NFL veteran from Weber State named Jamie Martin. While not on anyone’s fantasy football radar, I’m pretty sure this guy gets more chicks than he can handle.

The combination of Drew Brees and Reggie Bush will keep the Saints out of the bag bet for years to come. Not to mention, the NFC south is a weak-ass division.

Cleveland 6 Houston 14 ***Bag Game***

With no QB, RB, or WR to speak of, Cleveland will assuredly be in the bag bet for years to come.

Leonard (8-24)

It was a tough year for Lenny, but when one of your teams goes 2-14, there’s not a hell of a lot that can change your fortune. The fact that it is his favorite team AND he willfully drafted them only adds to the sorrow (or shadenfreud, depending on your disposition). I did hear drunken musings of him having to wear the bag on the OUTSIDE of his clothes. I recall he was a champ several years ago when he donned the face-paint and went so far as to voluntarily get a pedicure complete with matching red toe-nails. Upon seeing his painted face, some guy walking past us at Third and Long shouted out, “Go Devils!” Sporting, indeed!

Cleveland 6 Houston 14 ***Bag Game***
Something tells me avoiding these teams will increase my chances to victory in 2007.

Oakland 3 Jets 23 ***Bag Game***
Leo earns a merit badge for going to the game and returning in time to host a full-blown NYE party. Rumor has it that Gator Dave was seen at the game yelling incoherently to anyone that would listen about the Raiders not using their first draft pick on Brady Quinn and how the Irish tradition was hollow and without merit. Yeah, I think he fit right in.

...

Well bag lovers, it's been fun hanging with you but it’s time for me to call it a season – I look forward to partying with you during the payoff.

Posted by Joe-Joe at 9:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By Randie Swanberg

Merry Christmas to all you christians and wanna be's (like me) and a Happy Channuka to the tribesmen. Oh yeah and Happy Kwanzaa too. I'm trying to avoid a red flag so this one's going to be short. With things super tight, I had a monster 2-0 weekend and now have a very slim one game lead over Joe Joe. Everyone else went 1-1 this weekend. Special props to FShawn's narrow one point victory over Red in the ICWT 2006 Superbowl and many apologies to the Bloodsuksers fan base for the horrible loss to the lowly Gloryholes in the uber consolation game. Booze for Joe Joe and yes, Wanker, you can drink it alone.

Lenny (7-23)
Someone should get make a t-shirt for Lenny that says "Raiders Let me Down" cause it's Houston's late season prowess that may keep him out of the record books. Lenny's at 7 wins now and needs one win in the final week to tie the record for fewest wins in a season held by FShawn and your truly. I personally loved the Texans' upset of the Colts. I heart Manning disappointments. Lenny has double ***BAG MATCHUPs*** this weekend as Houston has Cleveland and Oakland travels to the Meadowland to tkae on the potentially playoff bound Jets. My prediction 0-2 with new records for losses and yes, not one write up! How disparraging!

Shawn (14-16)
For as good as the Saints are this year, Cleveland is equally bad. I made the brilliant GM decision to pick up Derek Anderson in my other league to start the league championship game. Thanks for the 4 INTs dickhead. Now I'm playing for thrid place. Like I said before, Cleveland takes on Houston and with neither tream playing for much, this one's hard to call. The Saints take on Carolina and while Chicago has already clinched home field, the Aints need a win or a Philly loss to secure a first round bye. My prediction 1-1.

Joe Joe (15-15)
Same as Shawn, Philly good , San Fran bad. Philly's in the playoffs and takes on the woeful dirty Birds this weekend. San Fran plays Denver who's playing for a playoff spot so I'm penciling in an L for the niners. My prediction 1-1. We should make him wear wonder bread bag on his hands which will make carrying the football oh so interesting.

Randie (16-14)

Oh the green machine, how I love thee. Let me count the ways. The Jets may make the playoffs and take on the Oakland Ass Raiders. Sweet. There should be an extra prize for teams that make the playoffs. This year there may be three teams in! Green Bay is playing for pride only. They're playing Chicago who should bench all of their starters this week which could mean another 2-0 for me. Either way I'm calling at least a 1-1 to clinch back to back Overlordships. That's right, another year of darkness. I assure you I will not be as kind this year as I was last year!

Next years Bag lineup is pretty much cinched. A lot of familiar faces! All GB veterans.
Miami
Cleveland
Houston
Oakland
Washington
Detroit
Tampa Bay
Arizona

Until 2007.

Randie

RIP The Godfather of Soul.

RIP The Godfather of Watergate.

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

by Joe-Joe

Okay, football has taken a back seat right now, with these shitty holidays looming ahead, already creating havoc, sucking away time that I don’t have and making me participate in full-contact shopping for crap that people could totally do without. Apparently, the people I work with failed to get the memo that says you are supposed to stop giving me work to do this time of year. Hence I have invoked the dreaded “red flag” for a late bag write up…something about having to wear a Wonder Bread bag on my arm during the payoff. We’ll see…if I’m Overlord, I’m Overlord. And Overlords don’t wear plastic, bitches!!!

I have little time to regale you with funny stories. I am in an awful mood, and therefore you will see an utter lack of humor and in fact, may find content that is not in “good taste”. If you are sensitive to such tastes, please log off now and read no further. You can go to the supermarket and pick up a Reader’s Digest or something.

With just two weeks to go, Randie and I are tied in standings, with Shawn in a close third. A lot of winable games for all these next two weeks, so the top three positions are up in the air.

Joe-Joe

49ers 24 Seahawks 14
Perhaps the Seahawks first stringers were busy looking for the hikers on Mt. Hood? What were they thinking??? The lesson here kids: Sometimes, when you tempt fate, fate kicks your ass, punches your ticket, and laughs at you. It’s December. It’s a tall mountain in the Pacific Northwest. Inclement weather is the rule. Save your testosterone and false bravado for fantasy football and Big Buck Hunter for crying out loud. Good ol’ Chuck Darwin is snickering to himself right now…Three less people to pollute the human gene pool.

Eagles 36 Giants 22
Did anyone else notice that the Eagles’ logo in the top left corner of the blog was finally changed to give the Eagles the proper respect? It had been the Seahawks logo for the longest time. I was going to say something to Lenny about it, but he was probably still mad at me for leaving Giants Stadium with 3 minutes to go in an ugly, ugly 31-13 Jets loss to the Bills in Week 14. I tried not to listen to him since the fact that his eyes were glowing red and he was saying that my lack of interest in these final 3 minutes of a Jets loss somehow translated into me being a bad Mets fan clearly indicated that his logic circuits might have been shorted by a flask of Knob Creek (or two). I got my revenge when I watched him walk past me in the bus line 20 minutes later, as he tried to call me. Real fans wait in line, sucker!!! Anyway, I’m glad he’s got his birds straight at least.

Shawn

Browns 17 Ravens 27
Shawn loses!!! Shawn had a rough Sunday. But I will give a shout out to the bartender at Copper Door Tavern (3rd b/w 21 and 22). We all got our $25 worth and then some. Shawn for example, got a case of “angry shouting man lunacy” along with a case of “delayed-onset hot wing projectile vomiting syndrome” (full disclosure – he admitted to grabbing McBrudal’s on the way to Penn Station). Crane, on the other hand, contracted full-blown “I want to see what this one-legged knee-jerk dance is all about-itis". After three hops, he was apparently unable to release his ankle from his grip, lost his balance, and landed face first into the bar, knocking over his beer and shocking himself into a flicker of sobriety just long enough for the bartender to ever-so-gently announce, “You’re friend is cut-off”. Shortly thereafter, he tried to make off with every last person’s coat in the bar, before realizing he didn’t bring one.

Shawn and Crane both earn gold-stars.

Redskins 16 Saints 10
Oh! Shawn loses again!!! He falls to third place. How nice it would be to see his face painted doo-doo brown with a white racing stripe down the middle!!! “Hi, I’m Paint-Facer Shawn, would you care to have your picture taken with me for my internet site?”

Randie
Jets 26 Vikings 3

Lions 9 Packers 17
Team Green wins a pair for Randie, who joined us at some point on Sunday when the accuracy of my internal clock was somewhat questionable. But he was there. He also was at the Jets-Bills game, and unlike Lenny, left to catch the bus back to Port Authority at a reasonable time (as opposed to when the game clock was at zero and the line to the bus was 2 miles long). J-E-T-S Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny
Rams 20 Raiders 0

Texans 7 Patriots 40

Lenny begged off on Sunday…and should be shamed. I know he has earned his stripes – indeed he has gold stars from Montreal and Las Vegas – and more often than not, he is the last man standing, but his excuse of having a hangover reeks of amateur league.

His teams were outscored 60-7…which is amazing. I guarantee he won’t touch either of these teams next year…if he can help it. They are like the guys on the mountain…people are waiting for them to show up, but really no one expects it.

I hope you have a great Christmas, or that you are having a happy Hanukkah…whatever the case, try not to eliminate yourself from the gene pool.

Posted by Joe-Joe at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

Well this last week was a happy hour free zone, so I’m sad to report that I have no shenanigans from the usual suspects to fall back on this week…so, I’ll have to reminisce on my youthful memories from holidays past.

There was the one big gift every year that you wanted as a kid. It ranged from bicycles to baseball gloves, board games to legos, and GI Joe to Transformers. However all things changed in October of 1977 when Atari 2600 was released and kids everywhere lost their collective shit. The age of gaming had begun and none of us would be the same…

I recall fondly the Christmas that I received Atari 2600. My Aunt and Uncle were down and as I opened the wrapping on the box, I had a vague idea of what this machine was supposed to do. My uncle and I hooked it up to the little portable TV with the UHF and VHF connections and got down to some serious Pong. The pathetic paddles were difficult to hold and far too touchy for a 6 year old to operate. I moved on to “COMBAT!” where I could conduct field operations as a Tank, a Bi-plane, 3 Bi-planes, a Bomber, a fighter, 3 fighters, and a bunch of other bizarre crap. I thoroughly enjoyed the 3 planes spinning when they were hit. The basic graphics entranced me and I was drooling in no time. As we all know, Atari raised us to some extent and we all rejoiced with each new game; Asteroids, Defender, Pitfall, and of course the Pac-Man mania that grabbed us all. I made my Mom drive me to an Apex in Pawtucket just to get my hands on it (I think it was $50 back in 1980…crazy money) only to get home and see the lame sound effects and graphics. Mass disappointment swept over us.

We all went on to have several other systems and had different paths through all of the competition, but we were all spawned from Atari. I had:

Colecovision: The least ergonomic controllers of all time; 13 buttons, of which only 2 were used, and 1 joy stick. They did have the foresight to create an adapter that let you play Atari 2600 games. I believe this was one of the reasons I got this. That and the fact that Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. were so fucking awesome!

Nintendo: This is where everyone’s path met once again. Wherever you went after Atari, everyone came back together for the original NES. Super Mario Brothers ruled the wasteland that was our brains. The controller now had 2 buttons that were both used and a keypad instead of a joystick. Huge innovation. Techmo Bowl may never be surpassed for it’s popularity. Also the first system that I recall getting fucked up and playing. Good times. I also remember being grounded and Playing Super Mario 2 while listening to Physical Graffiti on repeat for hours.

Playstation: I skipped over the whole Sega thing and landed right in the thick of the CD revolution. Ray-Man entranced me and nothing in college could be compared to an all afternoon “session” of brightly colored lights and giggling in a smoke filled room.

Playstation2: I ended up at the PS2, where some split off and picked up the Xbox. They both have their merits, but neither completely dominates. I relish the fact that I still find it humorous to drink a 40 and play a plastic guitar with friends before a night on the town.

As PS3 is released, I ask you all to reflect on the blisters from “Track & Field”, your parents walking in front of the TV at a critical moment, the first time you threw the controller in disgust and were POSITIVE the computer was cheating, the “condom” coming off of the controller to expose a white nylon stick, blowing the dust out of cartridges, and starting every game from the beginning because you couldn’t save it.

I took the week on points as Randie, Joe-Joe and I all split our games. Sadly, Herr Leonard went 0-fer again this week. I maintain a 1 game lead in GB2K6. Since the inception of this bet, it has never been this close this late in the season. With 3 weeks to play, Lenny has yet to win a write up. This will be a record if the streak continues all season. Lenny has not broken my GB2K5 season low of 8 total wins. He has 6 wins, with 6 games to play. Houston has NE, Indy, and Cleveland left. Oakland has STL, KC, and the NY Jets. He might be able to eek out 2 wins to achieve the tie…then again, he might not. Die with your plastic on Lenny!

On to the games!

Joe-Joe

Philadelphia Eagles 21 vs. Washington Redskins 19
Joe-Joe watches uneasily as his bag team defeats his favorite team. He is torn. He feels sick. He doesn’t know what to do…until the Chevy commercial comes on and he remembers that this is “Our Country”. He smiles, thinks about guns, republicans, and beer, and everything is okay again. From the East Coast to the west coast, to the Dixie Highway back home, this is our Country!

San Francisco 49ers 13 vs. Green Bay Packers 31 ****BAG GAME***
Alex Smith and Co fall short. The NFC West is cluttered at the bottom. They hope to finish out of the cellar. They are sad. Barry Bonds coming back to the Giants doesn’t help their mood. The city pukes in unison.

Shawn

New Orleans Saints 42 vs. Dallas Cowboys 17
The Saints drop the People’s elbow on Dallas. Parcells scurries around on the sidelines like Capt. Lou Albano. Reggie Bush struts around the field like the Junkyard Dog. Drew Brees kisses his biceps like Hulk Hogan and bathes in his own greatness. He knows the Saints are for real.

Cleveland Browns 7 vs. Pittsburgh Steelers 27
In a similar display of stupidity and bad luck the Browns have secured their spot in GB2K7 as well. The Brownies have been in the bet every year but one. I don’t think the likes of Derek Anderson are here to lead them to the promised land. Romeo is still looking for his Juliet on offense.

Randie

New York Jets 13 vs. Buffalo Bills 31 ****BAG GAME***
With Tom Brady languising in his own depression in Miami and the Pats taking a 21-0 loss, the Jizzettes had destiny intheir hands. With a win they would be in contention for the AFC East and almost surely cement themselves as a Wild Card team. Intead of jumping at this opportunity, they wandered around the field like the 4 of us would at 3am on a Saturday night; directionless and incoherent. Mangini went home and stabbed his Bellichick voodoo doll 5 extra times.

Green Bay Packers 31 vs. San Francisco 49ers 13 ****BAG GAME***
Favre smiles as he walks from the field. He knows that there is no way that the Pack will be back in GB2K7. Matt Millen and his incompetence have assured the Detroit Lions of yet another appearance. Under his watch, the Lions have gone 23-70. Um, how the fuck does he still have a job?

Herr Leonard Herold

Houston Texans 20 vs. Tennessee Titans 26
Vince Young comes back to his home town and pimp slaps the Texans. So, not only did the Texans pass on Reggie Bush (who is enfuego right now) they also passed on Vince. His TD run in overtime put an extra turn on the knife and sent the brass running for cover.

Oakland Raiders 10 vs. Cincinnati Bengals 27
Are the Raiders worth talking about? No. Cincinnati looks great right now. They could run the table like the Steelers did last season. I want to hear more out of Ocho Cinco, but I think he’s waiting on the big games…Oakland isn’t even worth getting excited about.

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

This week saw Julie and I bid adieu to Astoria. After 10 years suckling at the teat of NYC, I have escaped the small Asian women waiting to elbow me in the kidneys at Queensboro Plaza, the “blind” accordion player on the N, the cockroaches, the mice, the stinky armpits in my face on a fine July morning, and the piles of vomit, chicken bones, shish-kebab skewers, and Styrofoam plates littering our doorway on 32nd street. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson “So Long Stinktown!”

On our final evening in Queens Joe-Joe accompanied us to a bar we had failed to make it to in all of those years. Zlata Praha did not disappoint. As soon as we walked in, you could tell this was not a bar for Amerikanskis. The room was about 102 degrees, the 4 guys in the bar were focused on the Rangers game and the service was non-existent. After wrangling up a beer we began to relax. Around beer number 3 the door opened and 2 Mexicans came in carrying an entire deer carcass…un-gutted. No one else in the bar batted an eyelash. Apparently this was normal. I did a double take and watched as the first guy wrestled the back two legs through the bar, while the second guy grabbed a hoof and an antler and tried to keep it from dragging on the floor. Five steps behind, the Czech hunter came in zipping up 2 leather rifle bags. He followed the 2 guys in the back. I was still trying to process this when the hunter came out of the basement with a sledgehammer and walked out the front door. We didn’t know what to make of this so we got more beers. While all of this was going on a Korean guy his wife and their therapist had taken up a spot at the end of the bar right next to us. I listed with the biggest ear of all time as the guy divulged all of his wife’s failures and neuroses. All the while they are pounding beers. As we got ready to leave, the therapist slurred, “Thiiiiiissssss has been a great session”. So, obviously there will be things I miiiiiiiiissssssssss about Queens…

The next morning we drove out to NJ and were welcomed with a cable guy that wanted to drill holes in every wall, the furniture guys that damaged almost everything they delivered, missing the train for happy hour, a myriad of stripped Phillips head screws, duct tape and cardboard in places they definitely shouldn’t be, hanging Christmas lights, cleaning gutters, painting, removing a door knob with a hacksaw, unpacking clothes, fixing the headlight on my car and then dropping the socket into the engine half way through the job…never to be seen again. As we continue to live out of cardboard boxes, I reflect on the lack of chicken bones and count my lucky stars….

My 2 game sweep vaulted me to the top this week, while Joe-Joe split, and Randie and Lenny played with themselves all afternoon.

On to the games!

Joe-Joe
Philadelphia Eagles 27 vs. Carolina Panthers 24
I enjoyed the Philly faithful booing Jeff Garcia as he got up from the second big hit of the game. Who knew that AJ Feely was such a cheese steak celebrity? What are they choosing between, a guy with splinters in his ass or an accused homosexual that came back to win the game? Nothing like Feeley making a career on 4 games where he filled in against no one and got the team to the playoffs. Then again a 3rd string QB with more than 5 years has to make a ton more than league minimum. League minimum is a shitload more than I make. Pretty good for a guy that couldn’t talk himself out of a wet paper bag…ugh. I just depressed myself, let’s just move on.

San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
With the coming out party for Reggie Bush, the 49ers never had a chance. Maybe they could bring Montana, Rice, and Clark back like Sly is resurrecting Rocky Balboa. The 6th installment of the Rocky series is due out shortly. Any movie where the first training montage includes the phrase "you've got calcium deposits in most of your joints so sparring is out!" has got to be good! Take heed 49ers, you can go back to the well!

Shawn
San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
Reggie Bush finally opened up a can of whoop-ass and exploded for 4 touchdowns. Saints fans and fantasy owners alike have been waiting for this like the tabloids have salivated over a panty-less Britney Spears partying with Paris Hilton. It’s a party that everyone can enjoy. The Saints continue their improbable march to a division title and lead me to the top of the garbage heap.

Cleveland Browns 31 vs. Kansas City Chiefs 28
Herm Edwards incompetence came bubbling to the surface this weekend as the Chiefs lost to a no name backup quarterback and a hapless conglomeration of nobodies. With his bad decision making and even worse luck, he should avoid Club Kaluha at all cost this week. I just got a call from Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the Bloods and the Crips. Apparently that last line was completely uncalled for. At least I didn’t ask him to rap to get out of the loss.

Randie
New York Jets 38 vs. Green Bay Packers 10 ****BAG GAME***
Chad came out and did his best Joe Namath impression, albeit without trying to make out with Suzy Kolber. I love how liquored up Namath is in this video. Favre and his mates were systematically dismantled by the Jets. As bad as he must feel, I’m sure Vanderjagt was on suicide watch after Gramatica kicked the winning FG for the Cowboys this week. At least Favre has the never ending unconditional love of John Madden; Vanderslap is just a “boozed up kicker” from Canada. Too bad, eh?

Herr Leonard Herold

Houston Texans 23 vs. Oakland Raiders 14 ****BAG GAME***
Since this game isn’t worth discussing, I will take the opportunity to congratulate Lenny on the Gator victory in Atlanta and the subsequent bid to the BCS title game in AZ. I’m sure young Leonard was in full Florida glory and there was much joy at every drinking establishment that he stumbled into after the game. Good luck getting flights and tickets!

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

by Randie Swanberg

Happy thanksgiving everyone. Welcome back to the real world. I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night eating chocolate pudding. We're back to a three way tie for first place! Yeah can you feel the excitement? Anyone? hello? Anyone listening? I wonder, you know sometimes. Whether you're there? Are we that boring?

Continue reading "Week 12: One more than 11" »

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 2:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

by Joe-Joe

Week 11 has been completed
and the bag teams were at their worst;
The lone ‘49ers win this week
propelled me into first.

16 points, 13 points,
how few points can they get?
How ‘bout a wheel of cheese for the Packers,
and a bagel for the Jets?!?!

The Browns, the Texans, the Raiders,
things are normal here.
Like a pair of tight jeans on a heavyset girl,
they’re bringing up the rear.

McNabb? McInjured!
Brett Farve? Damaged elbow!
But seeing Cleveland collapse once again,
had me laughing like Tickle-Me-Elmo.

Drew Brees he throws for 500 yards
and still the Saints they lose.
Is it time to get a head start on Mardi Gras
and soak his troubles in booze?

Three write-ups in a row for me,
man this feels fantastic!
Much better than Leo will, I’m sure,
when he’s bar-crawling in the plastic.

I’m sorry for the lack of references
to this year’s theme, Iron Maidon.
I must have been breakin’ to Run DMC
while you all were worshiping Satan.

[Sorry for the short write-up...you can look at the sidebars for records and results...]

Posted by Joe-Joe at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

by: Joe-Joe

Back before I rooted for my fantasy football team (aka Bendler's Wankers), I used to like an NFL team of the traditional variety...and that team was the Washington Redskins. Alas, last year’s playoff anomaly not withstanding, they have spent the past decade basically just wasting time and space. Wherefore art thou Joe Theismann, Russ Grimm, John Riggins, Darrel Green, Ernest Byner, Art Monk and the rest of “the posse”?

I remember when I started liking them: it was in late 1982 and it was during their playoff run that eventually had them spanking the Dolphins in the Super Bowl. They were my third attempt at liking a team. (Keep in mind this was back before network television decided everyone in the tri-state area had to watch Jets and Giants games to the exclusion of all others every week).

My first attempt came on Thanksgiving in 1979. Knowing nothing about the game, the only thing that was apparent was that the Cowboys were America’s Team…everyone wanted them to win: the announcers; my cousins and uncles; and of course, the sponsors. But what fun was that? Even at the age of 5, my anti-bandwagon tendencies emerged and I rooted for the opposing team. Who was that team, you ask? The Houston Oilers. They ended up winning the game, but not my heart because after that brief introduction, they quickly fell off the radar. Back in the pre-cable days, you were about as likely to see an Oilers game on TV as you are to find a Colin All Cocks column on this blog.

My second attempt came sometime in 1981, and was rooted in the fact that after purchasing six packs of NFL trading cards, I had an inordinate amount of players who played for the Patriots. Ugh. Quite frankly, the logo simultaneously bored and annoyed me. Like, “Hey angry guy dressed in old clothes! You’d be more scary if you were menacing me with a gun and not a three point stance!” Not to mention, to have a human as a mascot didn’t have nearly as much appeal as an inanimate object (say like, an oil derrick?) But at the time, I had two theories as to why I should be a Patriots fan:

(1) It must have been fate to get such a vast majority of Patriots cards
(2) Given the quantity of statistics on the backs of the cards relative to all the other NFL teams, I knew the most about those players.

Alas, I remember quizzing my father about the statistics on the cards during dinner one night, and when he seemed more puzzled than impressed, I asked him, “Are the Patriots a good team?” “They’re not one of the better teams” he replied, “not like the Steelers or Cowboys”. And so the story was written. I spent the next couple of years in limbo, searching for a respectable team with which I could identify. When the Skins showed up, I knew my train had arrived.

[As an aside, I didn’t realize until now that the Patriots new logo is called the “Flying Elvis” . The likeness is uncanny; the decision, perplexing.]

I’m not sure of the total points scored/TD status this week, but I won the write up by virtue of scoring more points than Randie, who also went 2-0. Hence, there is a three-way tie for first, and Leonard faces a serious uphill battle if he has any intention of avoiding a custom-fitted Low Density Polyethylene undergarment.

Joe-Joe (9-9)

Redskins 3 Eagles 27

Dan Snyder does not strike me as a loser. It must pain him that his vast fortune cannot buy him NFL mediocrity. I will save my sympathy for more charitable causes.

That hook-n-lateral Brown-to-Buckhalter score was stupendous, but the Eagles are as streaky as an eight-year-old’s underoos right about now. It will be interesting to see what will happen now that the offensive coordinator will be doing the play-calling. They play Tennessee next week, who have only managed to beat Houston and the Skins thus far this season.

49ers 19 Lions 13

The Lions looked in the crowd, surveying the 30,000 recently laid off auto-workers, and wondered how they can help ease their troubled minds. Their solution was in losing to a bag team, thereby reassuring the Detroit faithful that they won’t be missing anything when they relocate to do the same menial job at a Toyota factory in Tennessee.

Shawn (9-9)

New Orleans 31 Pittsburgh 38

If the Steelers were a publicly traded company, I would buy stock in them right now. As a matter of fact, I did in a way by picking up Rothlsiberger as a free agent QB in my fantasy league. They are hungry and have weapons at every position.

Cleveland 17 Atlanta 13

I just now realized that even with this loss, Atlanta is 5-4. That is about 3 games more than I thought they won. But they spent the past two weeks losing to Detroit and Cleveland. Shame on Michael Vick. Cleveland should have lost this game. What were they thinking???

Randie (9-9)

Green Bay 23 Minnesota 17

Unfortunately, there is no picture of Favre getting Bonked by a surprise snap this week. That picture was the best! The Packers are 4-5 right now, and the way the NFC is looking, they have as good as a shot as anyone at being a wild card team. I wouldn’t mind seeing them battle it out against the slumping Patriots next week. Perhaps its time for a little tea party…a big game for both teams!

Jets 17 New England 14

I’m not big on any historical drama aspect of football, but if ever there was a good storyline, it would be the fact that the Patriot’s coach is so bitter about his “protégé” leaving to take the Jets gig. Duh. What man with a pair of rocks says, “Oh, yeah, I’m ready to be a head coach, but I wouldn’t want to upset you by leaving, so I’ll just kick around here helping out with the laundry.” SUCK IT UP BELICHECK! Be a professional for crying out loud. You pull someone up, you set them free. But this game was huge, with the Jets now just 1 game behind the AFC East leading Pats.

Lenny (5-13)

Denver 17 Oakland 13

I guess it’s getting old writing about how awful Oakland is, so I will write about some sort of smack talk montage I watched, where a bunch of players were saying how former Bronco Shannon Sharpe looked like a horse. I believe the parties included Dieon Sanders, and maybe Keyshawn Johnson, but I’m not sure. It was pretty hysterical, but I can’t find it. Part of me thinks I must have dreamt this, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Let me know if you happen to come across it.

Houston 13 Jacksonville 10

Stat: The Texans are 6-4 overall against Jacksonville, yet have a total of 15 wins against the rest of the league. They host fellow 3-6 squad Buffalo next week, who will be itching to release the pent up frustrations of losing to the Colts by 1.

That is all for this week - please join me tomorrow for my birthday celebration if you are in town...

Posted by Joe-Joe at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

by Joe-Joe

It started out innocently enough: I, like millions of other people over the age of 21, would spend a Sunday afternoon drinking in a bar, paying homage to the deities responsible for inventing ginormous flatscreen televisions and dish networks that make simultaneous viewing of every NFL game a reality. The destination: The Liberty Bar, in Hoboken, NJ.

The bar was my temple; the jersey clad patrons, my fellow parishioners. Brightly lit, flickering TV screens surrounded me on all sides, warming me like stained glass mosaics of the last supper. I found my way to our table in the back corner of the bar and prepared myself to receive the hallowed evangelism of Father Brown, Reverend Collensworth and Rabbi Enberg. The waitress filled up my glass with fresh beer whenever it got less than half full, no doubt an angel sent from above.

Or so I thought.

Fast-forward 14 hours. It is 3:00 AM Monday morning. I am in bed, outside the covers, fully clothed. It feels like my head is being squeezed by a giant garlic press and my mouth tastes like I have been gnawing on used tires. I try to remember the preceding events that led me to my miserable state, but it’s like I only have 25 pieces to a 500-piece puzzle. My TV is on, and blaring talking heads are very excitedly analyzing football games that concluded 10 hours ago.

Think...think...think! Ug. Ouch. Ug. I remember being elated that my fantasy team finally busted out of the doldrums. I remember eating 8 peculiar tasting chicken wings and some stray nachos. I remember waiting for a bus, returning to the bar, and being heckled by Mueller, Leonard & Co. And finally I remember the stout little pitchers of poison and the temptress who relentlessly dispensed it. My angel was a devil in disguise!

As I type this at 6:30 Monday evening, I am still feeling the effects of the Hangover of 2006, having called out of work (thank god for Personal Time Off), my entire day spent re-hydrating and keeping the giant garlic press at bay. Funny how the Anheuser-Busch ad execs always paint a rosier picture. But something tells me if their commercials showed some shlub walking around his apartment with bags under his eyes and his head dunked into a Brita water pitcher all day, rather than a bunch of hot girls prancing around ready to disrobe after you take "one more sip", I'm sure their profits would plummet.

Joe-Joe (8-9)

It's crazy that I won the write up on the basis of 3 field goals. But I was undefeated this week nonetheless!

San Francisco 9, Vikings 3

Like all of the afternoon games, I don’t have the slightest recollection of this game – although I’m pretty sure the King from Burger King caught a deep one for the Vikings. There must have been a holding penalty on the Hamburglar because apparently the officials wiped out the touchdown.

Eagles (Bye)

The most potent 4-4 team had some time to prune their feathers in preparation for a battle with the Redskins. We all need a PTO day once in a while.

Yawn (9-9)

I call Shawn "Yawn" this week for his conspicuous absence at all events of the social variety, most notably, Sunday. I'd like a note from your employer.

New Orleans 31, Tampa Bay 14

New Orleans continues to look like a real franchise. They bring their Cajun voodoo to the Iron City next week against the inversely puzzling Steelers team, who are playing as though they want to participate in GB2K7. I'm certain Bill Cowher's wife is wearing extra make-up and over-sized sunglasses these days.

Cleveland 25, San Diego 32

In the world of fantasy studs, if LT is like Secretariat, then Rouben Droughns is like a My Little Pony. After leading at halftime, the Browns were looking to win their first back-to-back game in three seasons! Alas, all 54 players simultaneously shit themselves at halftime and resolved not to upset the natural order of the football universe. The Browns travel to Hotlanta to play the Dirty Birds next week.

Lenny (4-14)

Oh Lenny!!!! You thought you were distancing yourself from the bag, only to have it sneak up on you like a monster in a horror movie. You've locked all the windows and doors, wedged a wooden table under the doorknob...and are sitting back trying to catch your breath. Meanwhile, the garbage bag is inches away from the base of your neck, cloaked in the cover of darkness, savoring your ignorance in the fact that it can take you out at any second. Unfortunately for you, you don't have any weapons to defeat it.

Houston 10, Giants 14

I remember the most about this game, (a) because it was at 1:00 and (b) because the sound was on. The angst in the bar was palpable with Houston leading heading into the fourth quarter. Between drinks of swill, beefy men in too-tight royal blue jerseys could be heard commiserating about Tiki’s inability to find the endzone and Shockey’s dropped TD pass. I took time for some internal reflection, hoping to determine why it is that I can’t stand the Giants as a franchise. Ultimately I was not able to reach any conclusions. Does anyone else just not like the Giants organization? Is it because they have been boring for the past 10 years and don’t have any sideshow problems? Tell me your thoughts.

Raiders 0, Seahawks 16

I realize that being on the West Coast is favorable for Monday Night Football, but someone at ESPN should be fired for putting the Raiders on twice this year.

Randie (7-10)

Randie slips to third place after going 0-1 this week. And let me let you in on a little secret: If there's one thing that scares me more than spending the night collecting my own juices in a garbage bag, it's face painting. Anyone will tell you I've done a lot of stupid things in public, but for some reason, the thought of doing them with face paint is enough to induce an anxiety attack.

Bufflao 24, Green Bay 10

Is it just me, or shouldn’t this game have taken place later in the year, when the odds for a complete blizzard were favorable? But this picture and caption pretty much says it all. The Packers play host to their Arctic Viking neighbors next week, who are led by the aforementioned King.

Jets (Bye)

I’m not sure what Gang Green worked on during their bye week, but I’m pretty sure it won’t work and Indy will clinch the AFC East. The travel up I-95 next week to lose to New England.

That's it for this week...remember to drink responsibly and to vote for the middle class. And don't forget to wish Dr. Horner a very Happy Birthday!

Posted by Joe-Joe at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

by Randie Swanberg

Ah Halloween. I love Halloween. I wish every day could be like Halloween. I was just on the UES and there was like a million munchkins running about like FShawn hopped up on skittles, parents chasing after them. There was a block party on 78th street! It was all really cute and it made me reminisce: I'd almost forgotten what it was like in the burbs this time of year. I don't know about your neighborhood, but mine was a war zone. At first we weren't even allowed out. It was back in the 70s that the rumors started up about pshychos putting razor blades and needles and poison in your chocolate bars. Parents weren't having it. They finally let us out on our own, but when you're really little you're easy pickings. Either get hosed by the middle schoolers with shaving cream or they just jack your bag o' candy. At this point, the high schoolers pay you no mind. After the first couple of years you learn to get out a bit earlier so you can get to the task at hand which was, of course, scoring bagloads of sweets.

Continue reading "Week 8: The Bag of Candy, or Your Life Kid!" »

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There's a place betwixt heaven and hell.
It is the space between first and last place.
This place is called Bagatory.
Between August and January each year,
we four brave souls cast ourselves into
this dark realm and put our fates in the
hands of the most meager of armies.
Each week our armies go to battle,
defining our future.
For at the end of this quest,
only three will ascend.
One will remain behind.
This one ill-fated soul will
spend the rest of his solitary
existance in Bagatory.

Continue reading "Week 7: Bagatory" »

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

So I just ate a whole bag of Skittles and I am tweaking on sugar. I’m trying to see just how fast I can write all of this and still sound semi coherent. Here goes:

On a weekend that saw Umberto’s bachelor party fall prey to the vile blue liquid referred to as Absinthe, I was watch cars turn left and yearning for more beer. Safe to say that attending races with parents ranks somewhere above sleeping in a tent when it’s 32 degrees out but definitely below seeing Social Distortion with 20 people and blacking out all weekend. The stories cannot be divulged, but I "heart" Ryan Crane on Absinthe.

In other news, I had a wonderful trip to Buffalo last week. After giving 6 back to back presentations in 2 days, I noticed it was snowing outside. Snowing a lot. I mean there was a fucking LOT of snow alright?! The hotel lost power, tree branches were breaking, and you couldn’t really drive on the road. A LOT OF FUCKING SNOW! So, I contemplated staying there and flying home the next morning. We went to the airport to see if we could get out and the power was out there too. I have thoughts of Richie Valenz running through my mind. I most definitely do not want to be the next Corey Lidle. We get on the plane 2 hours late and it is a propeller plane! My window is covered in snow. I do a rough calculation, and there is probably 3 pounds of snow caked on my little window. They begin to de-ice the plane. I feel a little better. The lady I am traveling with pops a Klonopin and immediately passes out and begins drooling on me. We take off and all I see out the window is white. All I can think of is the Ozzy song, snowblind….although I realize this is about cocaine and not actual snow, I can’t shake it. The heat is on full blast. The propellers shake the plane, the rough air shakes the plane. I realize I am probably going to throw up on the plane. Bad times. For the next hour and a half I rock back and forth trying to think of anything but throwing up. We circle LGA for 20 minutes and I am choking down puke. We finally land and the lady wakes up and wants to talk. I explain that I am about to puke. She is drugged and doesn’t know what to make of this. I twitch in the cab on the way home. I reiterate to myself that I am no mariner and I am no pilot. It turns out that it was good that I left Buffalo as there are 2 feet of snow there and the city is in a state of emergency. I would still be there now eating back hotel wings and drinking myself into oblivion. I hate Buffalo.

I'm tied for the lead in the win column with Joe-Joe. Lenny is going for the record for the least wins ever of 8, set by me last year.

On to the games!

Joe-Joe (6-6, PF:303, PA:318, TDs:37 )

Philadelphia Eagles 24 vs. New Orleans Saints 27 ***BAG GAME***
Philly is banged up like a Chinese sex slave in a downtown massage parlor. Yet they soldier forth doling out happy endings that are not always so happy. With sandpaper hands they finished up this game losing to NO in the final seconds. No lotion, no oil, just chaffing and discomfort. They must work for another 5 years or their families will be killed back in China.

San Francisco 49ers 19 vs. San Diego Chargers 48
LT lit up the pink miner 49ers for 4TDs. The dude is back on track. San Fran meanders through their schedule much like any of us on our way to 7B at the end of the night. I’m not quite sure how I’m moving along, but I know I’m trying to get to the destination. The foggy mind making you throw concrete into the street, or throw full Coors Lights at a passing petticab is inexplicable but necessary, much like the interceptions and fumbles. The destination is the key. The end of their season is the same as my last beer of the night. We know there is rest at the end of the tunnel.

Shawn (6-5, PF:226, PA: 219, TDs: 24)

Philadelphia Eagles 24 vs. New Orleans Saints 27 ***BAG GAME***
Much like Adam Vinatieri in the 2001 Patriots Super Bowl Victory in New Orleans, John Carney stepped onto the field and booted a 31 yard FG as time expired to win the game. As they say in the ‘hood, the Saints are “for real, on the reals. Word!”. Like a cockroach escaping the Raid can, New Orleans squirmed out from under the cleansing hand of God and has rekindled the debauchery full force. College kids will be returning to litter hotel room floors with Whip-It canisters, vomit in gutters, pee on each other, and ogle bare breasted chicks trying to pile on the beads. Good times. Even Emeril is getting in on the act. Brees and some other Saints stopped off at Emeril’s restaurant after the big win and were received with a standing ovation. BAM! Sadly, no one wanted his fucking “essence”, Anthony Bourdain called earlier to tell him he is a bitch, and then he burned his gumbo, so he hid in the kitchen and cried. He is not welcome on the sidelines at Saints games.

Cleveland Browns vs. Bye
Charlie Frye sits home and wonders if he could hang with Willie Nelson. Willie is a million years old. His bus got pulled over while he was on tour in Texas and he was found with several pounds of mushrooms and weed. Can you imagine your Grandpa tripping out and rolling Bob Marley size joints before playing to your other grandparents and drunk college kids? Charlie can’t either. He decides that he will just keep sucking at football so he can be replaced and carry a clipboard for a few years, until he is finally released and he can become a feed salesman back in his home town of Willard, OH. I fucking hate Ohio.

Randie (4-7, PF: 203, PA: 287, TDs: 24 )

Green Bay Packers vs. Bye
Favre took the weekend off and wonder what the fuck he was thinking by coming back. He has been living on his reputation much like CBGB has for the last 20 years. His super bowl victory over the Patriots at the Superdome was his Ramones “I Wanna be Sedated” moment (he may actually have been sedated at this time as he was addicted to vicodin…no wonder I liked him back then.) Sitting on top of the word and chugging beers like a champion of gluttony. Then there were the lean years of hanging on and losing to Denver (the last gasp of Talking Heads). Now we are witnessing the lost years, bands named Lubricated Goat and Rabid Roy gracing the stage to empty houses. Favre should retire and move to Vegas like CB’s, but I don’t think he’ll sell as many t-shirts to people from Cleveland…

New York Jets 20 vs. Miami Dolphins 17
So, the Jets D starts off the game picking off every Joey Harrington pass in sight (Note: Did anyone catch the picture of Joey Harrington during introductions? Um, I’m pretty sure he was half way through a 4-tab acid trip when that picture was snapped, check it out when you get a chance), then proceeds to drop into the prevent and almost blow the fucking game. They went from ruling the playground to cringing at the bike rack at 3:00 waiting for a beating. Inexplicable. That collapse was almost as fantastic as Arizona’s on Monday night. However, Arizona proved they are professional losers. Leinart was forced to hand in his winner card when he was drafted. He is now contracting herpes from Paris Hilton (who was recently assaulted by one Shana Moakler, who I attended high school with) and blowing 17 point sleads with 14 minutes to play. Good job buddy.

Herr Leonard Herold (1-9, PF: 122, PA: 273, TDs: 13)

Houston Texans 6 vs. Dallas Cowboys 34
TO fights with his position coach all week then publicly declare she won’t talk to him anymore after a fight they have gets linked to the media. Then he goes out and catches 3 TD in a win over a haphazard Houston squad. The Cowboys locker room is the equivalent of a middle school dance at this point. TO is yelling at anyone that will listen and creating drama. Bledsoe is schmoozing the hottest chick in school all night, dancing with her, making out in the coat room, sticking his hand up her shirt…then, the chick takes off and never talks to him again. Parcells is wandering around trying to separate the kids dancing, and thinking about his retirement home. Meanwhile the rest of the kids mill around with their heads down waiting for Stairway to Heaven to come on…

Denver Broncos 13 vs. Oakland Raiders 3
The Raiders are as bad as you can imagine. We should know by the end of the day today if they will trade Randy Moss to a contender. Would it be so bad to start pulling fans out of the black hole and letting them play special teams? I’d love to see some 350 pound guy in face paint running down the field and getting leveled by the opposing teams gunner. The plastic studs on the shoulder pads digging into the field, the rubber skulls rolling along in slow motion as Al Davis shakes his head and his librarian beads clink off his glasses. All Raider fans should receive a free kick in the groin before walking in the stadium. They suck balls. Lenny should have to wear the shoulder pads outside of his garbage bag if they go 0-16. I put this forth as a motion to the rest of the bag crew. What say you?

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By Joe-Joe

Every Columbus Day brings with it the chance to ponder why on earth it is a national holiday. Not that I am inconvenienced by this particular holiday, really, save for the closing of the post office and the utter lack of mail. And come to think of it, I’ve never received anything worthwhile in the mail the day after Columbus Day anyway. But how do the Native Americans feel? Put yourself in their shoes (or rather, their moccasins). It would be like North Korea dropping the bomb on South Korea - and then establishing Kim Jong Il Day to celebrate its conquest and “discovery”. Or just imagine a future generation of Astorians who celebrate “Ryan Crane Day” for “discovering” Astoria. Certainly it can be argued that he has provided more cultural enlightenment than the vast majority of its inhabitants, who like the American natives of 1492 speak in semi-intelligible dialects, bathe only to rid themselves of severe bug infestations, and in general treat what should be considered a prime piece of real estate as if it was some 3rd rate campground.

Alas, the world is a different place and the days when you could steal another person’s property and celebrate with impunity are at a hiatus it seems…at least until we run out of petroleum and society enters the anarchical phase of human existence that is clearly spelled out for us in the Mad Max trilogy. In the meantime, as the weekly winner, it is in my purview to declare the day after Columbus Day “Ryan Crane Day” for his bravery in settling such an uncivilized corner of the globe. If it wasn’t for his wide-eyed stories about unrealized potential, neither myself nor the Fitzy’s would have ever called it home. Unfortunately, Alternate Side of the Street Parking Rules will not be suspended.

Joe-Joe (6-4, PF:260, PA:243, TDs:32)

For the second time, duties precluded me from watching any of the games. This time around, I was busy cutting down several acres of overgrown Christmas trees on my father’s property in the Catskills. Two days of lumberjacking left so many needle marks on my forearms that I’m afraid someone’s going to sign me up to be on the A&E show, “Intervention”. My advice to any potential Christmas Tree Entrepreneurs: If a tree starts to look all raggedy-assed, don’t wait 20 years to cut it down, because that bastard WILL kick your ass.

Oakland 20, San Fran 34 ***Bag Game***

In the off-season, it looked like 49er wins were about as likely to be in vogue as Joe Montana’s haircut. But even they managed to do the fashionable thing and kick the crap out of their much maligned cross-bay rivals. It was basically, run-run-run, intercept-intercept-intercept. Intercept. Frank Gore continues to establish himself as a legitimate fantasy stud and the ‘Niners continue to do what is necessary to keep my skin away from the cinch sack.

Dallas 24, Philly 38
The much anticipated T.O. homecoming turned into a disappointment for all parties involved. After the game, Owens was seen alternatively yelling at his teammates and rocking himself to sleep while laying in the fetal position. Something tells me if he was a professional golfer, he would go through caddies like a mailman goes through shoes. I’d love it if one day at practice his quarterback said, “You think this shit is so easy? Let me go for a goddamned jog while 11 guys come charging after your head. Let’s see if you don’t miss a read, jackass!!!”

Shanaynay (5-5, PF:199, PA:195, TDs:21)

Tampa Bay 21, New Orleans 24

The Saints continue their winning ways, providing the conspiracy theorists more fuel for the fire, and providing southern evangelicals more proof that despite that little mishap of a natural disaster that ravaged their city and tore apart their lives, Jesus loves them and miracles happen. When asked about his thoughts as to a New Orleans conspiracy, Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden was reported as saying, “I don’t know anything about the conspiracy, or the $250,000 the NFL paid me to orchastrate the loss.” New Orleans is a very respectable 4-1, but I’m anxious to see how they hold up against the varsity teams of the NFL. With Philly, Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati coming up, we’ll know soon enough.

Cleveland 12, Carolina 20

The Browns lost yet again, and scored no touchdowns in the process. Like the city itself, the team is bland and nondescript. Writing something about their games is like being asked to write about beige carpet. I’m pretty sure they exist and serve a purpose, but I don’t care enough to delve into the details. Whoever wins the write-up next week won’t have to struggle either, since they have a bye week. Hopefully they will use the time off to generate some buzz…but it won’t help.

Randall-El (3-7, PF:183, PA:270, TDs:22 )

St. Louis 23, Green Bay 20

I can only feel sympathy for the poor Packer fans who waited 20 years to finally get season tickets, only to be treated to some truly uninspiring football and a self-destructing quarterback. Fortunately, as is the case with most sporting events, the actual event is secondary to the rituals of tailgating, public intoxication, and hazing of the opposing team’s fans. With enough booze, anything is bearable. The Packers have a bye this coming week, just in time to tune up the Zamboni for the frozen tundra.

Side bar: How great is it that St. Louis has a player whose first name is Jerametrius? My guess is that it’s a mash-up of Jeramiah and Demetrius. I’m assuming there may be a couple of Demeiah’s already on the books.

NY Jets 0, Jacksonville 41

Woah, Nellie! After nearly sowing their oats against the vaunted Colts the week before, the Jets may as well have not even made the trip to Jacksonville. Everyone around town had the Gang Green being semi-serious contenders, and Sunday’s game was an obvious statement: We will not sit here idly and allow you to gather confidence in us. We are not ready to be taken seriously we will prove to you that we are every bit as irresponsible as we were under Herman Edwards.

The Jets should bounce back as they play host to the truly offensive (in a bad way) Fish next week…but don’t get too confident. As evidenced by their latest performance, they’ll blow a game if they damn well feel like it.

L-Baggy (1-7, PF:113, PA:226, TDs:13 )

The Yankees lost in the first round, his bag teams are absolutely terrible, and his ICWT team isn’t anything to write home about…If things weren't looking so rosy for the Florida Gators in both football and basketball, I’d genuinely start to worry about our good pal Leo.

Houston (Bye)

With an extra week off to celebrate their recent win over Miami, it’s time for the Texans to put away the whippits and get ready for what is coming for them…another loss. This week, at the hands of the Cowboys.

Oakland 20, San Fran 34 ***Bag Game***

If this was a blackjack table, the Raiders would have cursed out the dealer, waited for their last free drink and collected their chips about 6 hands ago. It’s one thing to fail in gambling and sports, it’s an entirely different thing to fail in your career. Looking at the mirror every morning and seeing a Professional Loser can’t be healthy for one’s psyche. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t mind seeing them go 0-for-the-season, just to gain a better understanding of the human condition. And let’s not forget having Lenny crinkle around the city for a hot summer evening…

Till next time…

Posted by Joe-Joe at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

The beginning of the week welcomed us with a possible TO suicide attempt. I guess his years at Chattanooga didn’t prepare him to ingest massive amounts of Vicodin and keep partying. Had he gone to Lehigh, Florida, Miami, or Syracuse they would’ve found him knee deep in beer cans playing 3-Man and screaming about wanting a taco at 3 am…with no one else in his house. Sadly, he was found semi-conscious on the floor of his bathroom and had his publicist screaming at a 911 operator about pills down his throat. Not so “Rock Star”, TO. If he really did try to shut the lights out, he could’ve at least been creative. He should’ve bought a Super Man costume and flown to Philadelphia, then asked Donovan McNabb to meet him in front of City Hall. With Donovan in place he could’ve jumped screaming “SUPA TeeeeOhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” and crushing McNabb at the same time. It’s a sad state of affairs that his publicist said he had “25 million reasons to live”. I’m guessing she isn’t getting anymore clients with pathetic spin control like that. Rookie scenario all the way around.

Saturday found me drinking beers back stage at Gigantour with the Smashup. Let me tell you, backstage is not what you think it is, but it is much better than being in the seats. All the beer you can drink and the ability, neigh the requirement, that you drink every last drop. Watching Vin realize another of his dreams by opening the show with the likes of Lamb of God and Megadeth was truly memorable. Little metal kids were chasing him down for his autograph and staring at him with wide blood shot eyes. Damn I miss those days. After 20 beers the pyro during Megadeth was that much better. I was in such a good mood I didn’t even bother seeking out Dave Mustane to ask him how that long sad bus ride out of Metallica was.

With playoff baseball in full swing and NASCAR drawing to a closeas well, we can take solace in the warm embrace of Sunday and Monday. Football will be there to see you through the long cold nights…just like that garbage bag waiting for Lenny. On to the games!

Joe-Joe (4-4, PF:188, PA:199, TDs:23 )

Philadelphia Eagles 31 vs. Green Bay Packers 9 ***BAG GAME***
With Brian Westbrook on the sidelines nursing his injured knee like a sissy, McNabb did his best Ahhhhhhhhnold impersonation from Predator and proceeded to dismantle the Packers. He threw for 2 TDs and ran for 2 more. He carried the Eagles on his back and kept telling them to “Get to the Choppaaa! Go!” while he fired into the underbrush and fought off the enemy alone. Next week, TO will be in town. If the Philly fans don’t swing by Costco and stock up on the cheapest pills they can find I will be TERRIBLY-TERRIBLY disappointed. I expect it to be raining generic ibuprofen from the 300 level for all Dallas’ offensive plays.

San Francisco 49ers 0 vs. Kansas City Chiefs 41
San Fran mailed this one in like me at an office dinner. Just waiting for it to be over, checking my phone and ordering another drink, while I wonder if anyone has noticed that I’ve stopped paying attention to the work jibber-jabber that’s going on around me. Huard had his dream day and dropped the hammer like an Albert Haynesworth stomp to the head (ouch!), and LJ really got his legs under him for the first time this season. Joe-Joe’s underdog 49ers were no where to be found this week. The Apocalypse will be upon us next weekend as Oakland crosses the bay and tries not to get embarrassed for a 5th straight week (can you be embarrassed by a bye week? I think the Raiders were…).

Shawn (4-4, PF:163, PA: 154, TDs: 18)

New Orleans Saints 18 vs. Carolina Panthers 21
After the Falcons changed their name to the Washington Generals last week and tanked the game to lift the spirits of those attending the first Saints game in the Superdome in almost 2 years, they got back to their winning ways and thrashed Arizona…to the point where Warner finally lost his job…faith in God and all. Makes you wonder about the whole NFL “collusion” thing all over again. This week the Saints showed their true mediocre colors and lost a close one to the Panthers. Reggie Bush is still a virgin and he is waiting for TD prom night. I had him figured for a TD whore in the vein of Jenna Jameson, but sadly he is turning out to be the Laura Engles of slut-dom…he’s not giving up anything out there on the prairie. Maybe next week we’ll get to see a little BOW-CHICKA-BOW in the end zone.

Cleveland Browns 23 vs. Oakland Raiders 21 ***BAG GAME***
Basically the Browns woke up in my worst nightmare and pulled out the win. When I get stressed out I have this dream where I find out that I have missed a class for the entire semester, it’s after add/drop so I can’t get out of the class. The exam is usually that afternoon, and I have no choice but to go to the exam and try and pass the course, but I have no idea where the class meets. So, I frantically run around trying to find the class. Then I wake up. The Browns cleared the fog from their eyes and aced the test with 21 unanswered points in the late 3rd and 4th quarter.

Randie (3-5, PF: 163, PA: 206, TDs: 20 )

Philadelphia Eagles 31 vs. Green Bay Packers 9 ***BAG GAME***
The unfinished symphony of dropped passes being composed by Bret Favre was back in the conservatory this week. With Donald Drivers hands providing most of the bars, and the ground providing the bass, the beautiful Thumpa-Thwack-Flump-Smack was music to Eagle ears. Favre put down his conducting baton and left the game in the 4th quarter after getting steam-rolled by the Philadelphia Defensive line. Something tells me he will keep his game starting streak alive next week at home against St. Louis. Any guy that was addicted to the stuff TO tried to off himself with is ok in my book.

New York Jets 28 vs. Indianapolis Colts 31
Obviously, the Jets are drinking the Kool-Aid and the believe they can win now. Mangini has opened up the offense (that Herm Edwards sealed like an Egyptian sarcophagus during his years as the Jets coach) and let the players take chances. When you know your coach will give you a chance to win, you’ll play that much harder. This week the Jets were the younger kids in the neighborhood trying to steal a game of wiffle ball from the middle school guys. They had a perfect game going until the bottom of the 9th when the resident jock came in and ended the young upstarts dreams. The Jets go home crushed but invigorated at the same time. They will try to lead Randie to a second consecutive Overlord position.

Herr Leonard Herold (1-5, PF: 93, PA: 192, TDs: 11)

Houston Texans 17 vs. Miami Dolphins 15
LENNY GETS A WIN!!! With his first sack in 4 games Mario Williams helped propel Lenny to his first bag “W” of the season. The ineptitude of the Dolphins continues unabated. There is no tackle they can’t miss, nor play they can’t let up on. They are almost perfectly awful. Almost…This game produced visions of a bag write-up for young Herr Leonard. Alas, all of those bong hits were in vain.

Cleveland Browns 24 vs. Oakland Raiders 21 ***BAG GAME***
Oakland however IS perfectly awful! Leading the game by 18 in the 3rd quarter, Leonard was beginning to compose his manifesto to Bagdom. Then the wheels came off, 21-10. Then the chassis ground to a halt, 21-17. Finally, with 1:40 left in the 4th quarter, Joe Jurevicius caught a 5 yard pass from Charlie Frye, ran through the end zone and set fire to the black hole. Grown men in black and silver face pained melted to the ground like candles and Lenny’s dream was snuffed out yet again. I’m tellin’ ya…ritualistic burning of the Gallery jersey is the only way to break the curse. I’m guessing Lenny is trying to think of a place to set a fire right now without going to prison for arson. 21 unanswered points can do this to a man.

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 9:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Greeting Baglovers. It's your friendly neighborhood Overlord here. I really needed this 2-0 to keep up with the pack. I spent this Sunday completely sober for the first time this season, which, I must admit, isn’t the proper way to watch football. In fact it’s sacrilegious! I promise not to do it again. No colorful stories about yelling “Artie Mueller” or pissing on a cab on 20th Street. I could tell you about my day sitting on the couch, hitting refresh but there’s nothing fun about that.

So much Raider bashing this year, like fingernails on the chalkboard for Herr Herold. I'm sure Lenny wants to give us a piece of his mind but I think he should save that important part for the 2007 payoff. In case you missed it, last week I found something that represents the lighter side of the Raiders prowess in 2006. Ah so much to do, so little free time. Not sure how I feel about young Wanker having such a good start to the season. Only time will tell. San Fran’s early schedule is in their favor with games against KC and Oakland but then it gets real with San Diego, Chicago and the surprising Vikings down the road. They’ll start off 3-3 but look for them to end 5-11ish. My only advice to the rook is to download Live After Death so he can understand the smack that’s being laid down this year.

Gut check of the week goes to…no not Chris Simms…Reggie Wayne. The Colt’s family curse continues. After Indy’s 21-14 win over Jax, Reggie and his teammates learned that his older brother, Rashad, died when his delivery truck crashed into a guard rail Sunday morning. Tough one for Wayne. I’ve been following this guy since UM and he’s one of the few no nonsense Canes who does his talking on the field and not in the locker room, after the game, blaming his head coach. Whatever. Reggie left for Louisiana to help with the funeral and isn’t sure when he’ll be back.

Ok, Ok the gutsy play of the week does go to Chris Simms. Much talk about what a pussy this guy is was quelled on Sunday. The poor guy got smacked down about a million times by the Carolina D, ruptured his spleen and STILL came back in the game! Props to young Simms.

Continue reading "Week III: A New Hope" »

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

After my crushing failure last year, I donned the plastic and was re-baptized in my own sweat and a concoction of Guinness, red wine, vodka, grapefruit juice, whiskey and Bud Full Flavor. Had I known that Crane was performing baptisms during his formative years, I would’ve asked for some pointers. Sadly, this never came up in our everyday conversations. It took the perfect storm of a 2 hour FREE open bar, vehicular homicide, a performance of Spamalot, a bucket of PBR cans, a discussion on parental beatings, Misfits, Metallica, and me drinking out of a pitcher to stumble across this info. I was so flabbergasted by this development I was forced to baptize the side of a Lexus truck on 20th street with piss on my way back to my 25 minute wait on the N platform. If only Crane could’ve cleansed me in the waters of Lake Minnetonka…that would’ve been so much easier than stumbling around the lower west side dripping sweat from my balls and getting pulled in multiple directions as every douche bag from the Battery to Inwood had a tug on my bag strings. Apparently timing IS everything my friends!

As you digest Crane’s war against those bearing the “Number of the Beast”, say a short prayer for the closing of the Continental and the impending end of CBGB. To Trigger and Hilly, I owe many thanks for all of the cloudy nights of metal and punk that saw me through the late 90s. To me, they owe many brain cells that I destroyed in both clubs, as well as new eardrums.

But I digress. It is a brand new year with some new blood. Young Joe-Joe Wizzo has endured his bread bag hazing ritual without contracting any fungal disease under his toenails and has been dutifully added to the roster. My cousin “Callin’ All Cocks” has been sent to the bench for insubordination. There he ponders what might have been, as he discusses the merits of zip-lock 1 quart bags over folding sandwich bags, remembering his days in the big leagues and practicing his “I could a been a contendaaaaahhhh!!!” speech. Your friendly neighborhood baggers Lenny and Randie have placed their pride on the altar of plastic for another season. As always, I am more than prepared to embarrass myself for the benefit of the football gods and you, my imbibing friends. I am currently in 2nd place behind the Rookie, but I took the week on points. So without further ado, let’s find out “FOR WHOM THE BAG TOLLS!”

Joe-Joe (2-2, PF: 95, PA: 87, TDs: 11)

Philadelphia Eagles 24 vs. New York Giants 30

If you can’t get excited about a game that begins with the Eagles kicker David Akers taking a flying leap at a Giants coach and then taking on the entire Giants Bench, I don’t want to know you. It seems young Master Akers fancies himself a master of Rex-Kwon-Do! Check him out in this you tube clip, complete with American Flag shoulder pad (don’t shut it off early, you wouldn’t want to miss the nunchucks!). I'm sure Stalra is very proud. Unforunately, the Giants do not bear any resemblance to Kip or Napoleon. He should’ve been out there to protect Jevon Kearse. Sadly for Joe-Joe the Freak has been put on the shelf for the year with ligament damage in his knee. I’m sure Eli’s pride was hurting almost as much as Kearse’s knee after last weeks beating at the hands of Peyton and the Colts. The loss rekindled nightmare’s about all of those times Peyton showed up while he was playing Super Mario Brothers 2 with his friends and threw him on the ground, bending his arm behind his back until he screamed “UNCLE!”, all at once humiliating him and ruing any chance of beating Bowser outside of his castle on level 8-4. Bad Times. Eli channeled that crushing humiliation into this game and dismantled the Eagles in the 4th quarter and OT with 23 unanswered points. I’m sure he’ll still have to sit at the kids table at Thanksgiving and Peyton will throw him on the ground getting grass stains on his “Dress Up Jeans” during the annual football game, but for his performance this week he gets the “Die with Your Boots On” award. In the immortal words of some fat English guy at 3rd and Long on Sunday:

New York Giants! N-Y-G!
We don’t give a Fuck,
Who you may be,
Cuz we are the Mighty N-Y-G!

San Francisco 49ers 20 vs. St. Louis Rams 13

While walking the streets of St. Louis young Joe-Joe took his life in his hands by wearing his Mets cap and holding his finger in the air, cheering the unlikely 49er victory. This was not looked upon kindly by the natives eating their toasted ravioli and chugging all things Anheuser Busch. Perhaps they took him for one of “those guys” from San Francisco and decided the sexual discrimination charge on top of an old skool assault booking was not worth the blood on their shoes. So Joe-Joe wandered safely, celebrating the victory of the former Ute Alex Smith and dreaming of bag glory.

Shawn (2-2, PF: 84, PA: 94, TDs: 9)

New Orleans Saints 34 vs. Green Bay Packers 27 ***BAG GAME***

All right, so Reggie Bush is not lighting the world on fire. He’s still being called ”Jesus in Cleats” in New Orleans. I’m not a big conspiracy theory guy, but I feel I must speak out. Obviously, there was some serious collusion going on at the NFL draft. I’m sure the Texans were promised many behind the scenes advantages to take Mario Williams and allow Reggie Bush to slip to the storm ravaged Gulf Coast. While providing hope to a region, they stock a team that could possibly move to LA with a SoCal star. Not Buying? Well, ask me about the “Price is Right” some day and I’ll blow your mind (Bob barker is the Cigarette Smoking Man!). Drew Brees put his noodle arm to work for 353 yards and out gunned Grandpa Favre. The Deuce blew up the Pack D for 2 TDs and the ‘Aints are now an improbable 2-0. The hurricane’s will taste sweeter this week in the French Quarter and gunfire at night will be kept to a minimum.

Cleveland Browns 17 vs. Cincinnati Bengals 34

The Browns have no offense to mention, yet they somehow put up 17 on the Bengals D. I think this had something to do with Karma being a bitch. Hank Geather’s tried to decapitate Trent Green last week and left him lying motionless on the ground, setting the balance of the universe on it’s ear. The only way to right the ship this week was to have Bengals dropping like flies. Some how the doughy Browns kept denting the impenetrable steel of Cinci. The sidelines began looking like a French church during WWII. Bodies everywhere, blood, bandages, screaming…the works! With the world back in cosmic order, the Browns will go back to being the lifeless stiffs they are supposed to be. They will walk to work with lunch pails in hand. They will punch the clock. They will collect the check. They will drink warm Schlitz in their back yards. They will beat their kids. Life will be grand.

Randie (1-3, PF: 67, PA: 100, TDs: 8 )

New Orleans Saints 34 vs. Green Bay Packers 27 ***BAG GAME***

In a game where Favre rekindled his old spark (340 yds, 3 TDs, 1 INT), it was still not enough to bring the “W” back to the home of Brats and beer. It seems that Favre’s deal with the devil has come due. Regardless of how well he plays he will always lose. In the last few years, Bret has seen his game go to hell, his brother in law killed on his farm in an ATV accident, his wife contract breast cancer, and his childhood home washed away in a hurricane. That certainly sounds like a “crossroads deal” come due to me. I hope the years of Madden fawning over you and everyone treating you like the king of the NFL was worth it. Call Ralph Macchio and ask how he got his soul back after beating Steve Vai in the "shred off" contest. Maybe there’s still time. Speaking of Ralph Macchio, I can only hope he was forced to perform the “Crane Kick” in Beer League. If it’s not in that movie, someone should get fired.

New York Jets 17 vs. New England Patriots 24

In a shaky game where the Jets mounted a furious come back, I like to think that I sealed the deal for the Pats. As they began to waiver, I saw a vision out the window of 3rd and Long. A like minded individual was returning from a rousing weekend of drinking and stupidity. In his hand he held a 3 foot funnel. I knew I had to save the game. With lightning quick reflexes (for someone that had already been drinking for 5+ hours) I ran to the window and asked him for the funnel. Without a word he handed it to me. I poured in my beer and raised the glorious red vessel. As I finished I blew out the foam and belted out a few notes to lead the Pats to victory. And lead them I did. The Jets were stopped and Corey Dillon ran out the clock. The mighty power of the FUNNEL! Randie, you owe me one.

Herr Leonard Herold (0-4, PF: 40 , PA: 122, TDs: 4 )

Houston Texans 24 vs. Indianapolis Colts 34

Houston, where ineptitude comes to reproduce and live in splendor. The Mario Williams over Reggie Bush draft will go down as the Bowie over MJ of the 2000’s or “oughts” (we’re more than half way through this friggin’ decade and no one has come up with a definitive term for it yet, I guess we’re just waiting for it to be over and hit the teens?). As bumbling as the Texans have ever been, the Colts came in and pounded them into dust, allowing some late game garbage points when the starters had been sipping Gatorade for over an hour and picking out the chick with the biggest cans in section 114. Maybe they were were promised the move to LA if they tanked another season? Only time will tell. But with David Carr getting sacked on the first play of the game, then fumbling the ball on the second snap at his own 16, you have to begin to wonder. Lenny stares at the ground and begins contemplating which color drawing string he wants during the payoff…

Oakland Raiders 6 vs. Baltimore Ravens 28

one after one by the star dogged moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh
Each turned his face with a ghastly pang
And cursed me with his eye
Four times fifty living men
(and I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2006-2007 Oakland Raiders! The offense has yet to score a touch down. The starting QB is out with a shoulder injury. The coach hasn’t said a word since July 23rd. Randie Moss’ afro has tenants and the Black Hole is starting to become a joke (not that 35 year old men in face paint and shoulder pads with spikes has ever been taken seriously, not even at a Gwar show). Lenny has been seen self medicating around the city. Reports are of Lenny staggering from one dive bar to the next, consuming brown fluids, yammering about Gannon, Tim Brown and on rare occasions Bo Jackson, have been accumulating. There has also been a sighting of Lenny weeping as he plays as video Bo on Techmo Bowl and whimpers “Why, why did you destroy your hip…” before blubbering and making another cocktail. Sad times for Herr Leonard and Raider Nation. Possible Suggestion: Burn the Gallery jersey I gave you. Perhaps it’s cursed. At any rate, I award Lenny the “Wasted Years” award for his dedication to agony.

Until next week!

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

by Joe-Joe

I have to say my call up to the big leagues was a long time in the making. Day after day I’d wake up, check to make sure I actually closed the door to my apartment before passing out the night before, and ask myself, “Did I exhibit enough stupidity last night? Did I do or say anything that could possibly be used as ammunition against me later in life? Did I end the night by leading a chorus of “Artie Mueller” while performing the one-legged Jim Carrey dance?”

You bet I did. Lost cell phones. Trips to the Emergency Room. Confrontations with my nemesis (the “blind” accordion player on the N train). Endless forgotten calls on my Outgoing Calls log. And countless disappearing acts. So me appearing in the Garbage Bag bet is a bit like a bearded woman with a hand growing out of her neck getting a call from the freak show manager of the county fair circuit: you knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.

The price of admission wasn’t bad; I simply had to wear Wonder bread bags on my feet, which were then duct-taped to my calves for the duration of last year’s garbage bag bet bar crawl payoff. I caught a lot of flack for using Wonder Light Wheat, but whatever. Only 40 calories per slice homey!!! Fortunately at the end of the evening the damage was minimal and there was no need for me to make an investment in anti-fungal spray. (Keep that in mind should you ever lose a bet and forced to wear bread bags on your hands and/or feet. Go for the light wheat.)

Unfortunately, I missed the 1:00 games as I was driving back from watching the Syracuse Orange[men] (yes, the first order of business of our new Chancellor was to emasculate our mascot) break my heart 7 times in a row from the two-yard line in the 2nd overtime. 11 consecutive losses…amazingly, they still have 20+ active players in the NFL. But if you see me and I’m “ex-specially” sullen, just give me a beer and tell me it could be worse…I could have been a GATOR!!! (Although I’m fairly certain at least their mascot won’t be gelded. Sheesh!!!)

In any event, much like my bowels after my morning coffee, I am loose and ready to go. Three of us ended up 1-1 after the first week, but much to my delight, I won the write-up by virtue of scoring the most points.

Joe-Joe (1-1, PF 51, PA 44, TD 6)

Philadelphia 24, Houston 10 ***Bag Game***

Philly was a no-brainer first overall pick in the GB2K6 draft – and that was before they landed Dante Stallworth (who, I can imagine, calls his old New Orleans teammates and promises he will “be back to visit real soon” as he squirts lighter fluid on all of his moldy possessions, sets them on fire, and waits for a Phoenix to arise from their ashes.) That Phoenix my friends, is Donovan McNabb’s arm. Only time will tell if he is the Eagle’s aspirin for their Terrell Owens’ headache. An early NFC East matchup next week vs. the New York Football Giants will be a good litmus test for the Eagles.

San Francisco 27, Arizona 34

Who wanted San Francisco? Certainly not me. They weren’t even drafted per se, they fell into my lap as the last available team…the consensus “worst of the worst”. Ah, but not so fast my 1849 gold rush haters! Could there still be gold in ‘dem dar’ hills? Their offense put up some respectable numbers (albeit against a non-existent defense). But the important thing is – and I hope the ‘49ers are reading this (at least maybe a third string offensive lineman, or maybe the backup kickoff tee retriever) – that the Niners matter. They hold the key to keeping me out of the plastic. A tough matchup next week against a Rams squad that will be anxious to get into the endzone, but putting 27 points on the scoreboard is a good sign.

Shanaynay (1-1, PF 33, PA 33, TD 3)

New Orleans 19, Cleveland 14 ***Bag Game***

Ah, married for only two months yet here we catch Fitzy playing with himself already. The optimist says he was guaranteed a win. The pessimist says he was guaranteed a loss. The engineer says Newtonian conservation of energy could only have been achieved if the two teams played to a tie. And the sports fan…he says he was guaranteed a yawn. Would it have mattered to anyone had the score been reversed? I doubt the players themselves even care who won this game. Game Stat: Ruben Droughns 11 carries, 27 yards. I’m pretty sure on a good day the average mattress delivery guy could put up those kinds of numbers. Both teams will be competing in big games next week: Cleveland will be traveling down what I’m sure is a depressing highway to play a well-rounded Bengals team, while the Saints will come marching into Lambeau field with visions of starting the year 2-0.

Randal-El (1-1, PF 23, PA 42, TD 3)

Chicago 26, Green Bay 0
Oh how the mighty have fallen. At this stage in his life, Brett Farve should own every car dealership north and west of Milwaukee ala John Elway. Or cake on the orange make-up and sit behind an NFL anchor desk like Dan Marino. At the very least, he should consider running a couple high-end car washes like Lenny Dykstra and Charles Oakley. But no…not this cheese head. He’s going out about as gracefully as Joe Theismann, only instead of one incredibly gruesome play, he’s drawing it out over several painful seasons. I almost can’t bear to watch. His jersey has had a great shelf life, but much like a Von Dutch trucker hat, I’m guessing right about now their owners would be willing to trade it for a bottle of Miller Light and a punch in the face. Welcome to the Bag Bet, Packers, I hope you enjoy the wonder bread bags tied around your feet. Farve should have more success when they host the Saints in another bag game next week, but a win is far from guaranteed. I predict the Packers will be sniffing around in the free agent market for a QB in the near future.

NY Jets 23, Tennessee 16
I listened to this game on the radio and the thing that struck me most was the canned excitement of the play-by-play guy, Bob Wischusen. He would call a first quarter holding penalty as if it was Buster Douglas knocking Tyson down to the canvas for the first time. The Jets pulled out a 'W' on the strength of a rebuilt Pennington, despite the best attempts of their kicker to throw the game with his squirrelly leg. They won’t be able to survive such futility if they expect to continue their success next week versus the Pats, and must surely hope that Pennington can once again channel the bionic powers of Steve Austin.

L-Drinky (0-2, PF 10, PA 51 TD 1)

San Diego 27, Oakland 0
Wow. Wow. I’m not sure I know exactly what a conniption fit is, but I’m pretty sure I almost had one last night after Ladanian Tomlinson ran all over the Raiders in the first half, seriously jeopardizing the 16 point lead I had over the Ambulance Chasers in the ICWT fantasy football league. Even the commentators – whose job it is to keep the viewing audience tuned into the game - were saying how awful they were. I couldn’t imagine NWA wearing Raiders hat these days…right about now that would be as gangsta as wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Eazy-E must be rolling over in his grave. (Now that I think of it, someone should remind me to visit that next time I’m in LA-LA land.) Oakland did manage to turn off LT’s turbo button in the second half, but they put up a bagel in the points column nonetheless. Oooh, black jerseys, I’m scared. I say they should wear lavender until further notice.

Philadelphia 24, Houston 10 ***Bag Game***
Houston managed to stay out of the bet last year for the first time in its history, but found themselves back in the Land of Misfit Toys for 2006. Things don’t look good for the Paul Stanley’s of the bovine logo world this year, and that doesn’t bode well for Herr Leonard. You have to ask yourself why a team that needed skill at every position would go with a defensive end with their first pick. Were they worried about the likes of Peyton “Lead Legs” Manning and Kerry “Where’s My Walker” Collins running rampant in the AFC South? They had 9 rushing touchdowns all of last year and yet they passed on Reggie Bush. Next week is a guaranteed tick in the loss column as they travel to Indianapolis; I’d give the Texans 17 and still take the Colts and their J.C. Penny catalog uniforms. One thing is for certain: Nobody wants a train with square wheels.

That’s it for this week kids! I'm sure I'll be writing more of these in the future...thanks for tuning in.

Posted by Joe-Joe at 12:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)