By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

This week saw Julie and I bid adieu to Astoria. After 10 years suckling at the teat of NYC, I have escaped the small Asian women waiting to elbow me in the kidneys at Queensboro Plaza, the “blind” accordion player on the N, the cockroaches, the mice, the stinky armpits in my face on a fine July morning, and the piles of vomit, chicken bones, shish-kebab skewers, and Styrofoam plates littering our doorway on 32nd street. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson “So Long Stinktown!”

On our final evening in Queens Joe-Joe accompanied us to a bar we had failed to make it to in all of those years. Zlata Praha did not disappoint. As soon as we walked in, you could tell this was not a bar for Amerikanskis. The room was about 102 degrees, the 4 guys in the bar were focused on the Rangers game and the service was non-existent. After wrangling up a beer we began to relax. Around beer number 3 the door opened and 2 Mexicans came in carrying an entire deer carcass…un-gutted. No one else in the bar batted an eyelash. Apparently this was normal. I did a double take and watched as the first guy wrestled the back two legs through the bar, while the second guy grabbed a hoof and an antler and tried to keep it from dragging on the floor. Five steps behind, the Czech hunter came in zipping up 2 leather rifle bags. He followed the 2 guys in the back. I was still trying to process this when the hunter came out of the basement with a sledgehammer and walked out the front door. We didn’t know what to make of this so we got more beers. While all of this was going on a Korean guy his wife and their therapist had taken up a spot at the end of the bar right next to us. I listed with the biggest ear of all time as the guy divulged all of his wife’s failures and neuroses. All the while they are pounding beers. As we got ready to leave, the therapist slurred, “Thiiiiiissssss has been a great session”. So, obviously there will be things I miiiiiiiiissssssssss about Queens…

The next morning we drove out to NJ and were welcomed with a cable guy that wanted to drill holes in every wall, the furniture guys that damaged almost everything they delivered, missing the train for happy hour, a myriad of stripped Phillips head screws, duct tape and cardboard in places they definitely shouldn’t be, hanging Christmas lights, cleaning gutters, painting, removing a door knob with a hacksaw, unpacking clothes, fixing the headlight on my car and then dropping the socket into the engine half way through the job…never to be seen again. As we continue to live out of cardboard boxes, I reflect on the lack of chicken bones and count my lucky stars….

My 2 game sweep vaulted me to the top this week, while Joe-Joe split, and Randie and Lenny played with themselves all afternoon.

On to the games!

Joe-Joe
Philadelphia Eagles 27 vs. Carolina Panthers 24
I enjoyed the Philly faithful booing Jeff Garcia as he got up from the second big hit of the game. Who knew that AJ Feely was such a cheese steak celebrity? What are they choosing between, a guy with splinters in his ass or an accused homosexual that came back to win the game? Nothing like Feeley making a career on 4 games where he filled in against no one and got the team to the playoffs. Then again a 3rd string QB with more than 5 years has to make a ton more than league minimum. League minimum is a shitload more than I make. Pretty good for a guy that couldn’t talk himself out of a wet paper bag…ugh. I just depressed myself, let’s just move on.

San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
With the coming out party for Reggie Bush, the 49ers never had a chance. Maybe they could bring Montana, Rice, and Clark back like Sly is resurrecting Rocky Balboa. The 6th installment of the Rocky series is due out shortly. Any movie where the first training montage includes the phrase "you've got calcium deposits in most of your joints so sparring is out!" has got to be good! Take heed 49ers, you can go back to the well!

Shawn
San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
Reggie Bush finally opened up a can of whoop-ass and exploded for 4 touchdowns. Saints fans and fantasy owners alike have been waiting for this like the tabloids have salivated over a panty-less Britney Spears partying with Paris Hilton. It’s a party that everyone can enjoy. The Saints continue their improbable march to a division title and lead me to the top of the garbage heap.

Cleveland Browns 31 vs. Kansas City Chiefs 28
Herm Edwards incompetence came bubbling to the surface this weekend as the Chiefs lost to a no name backup quarterback and a hapless conglomeration of nobodies. With his bad decision making and even worse luck, he should avoid Club Kaluha at all cost this week. I just got a call from Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the Bloods and the Crips. Apparently that last line was completely uncalled for. At least I didn’t ask him to rap to get out of the loss.

Randie
New York Jets 38 vs. Green Bay Packers 10 ****BAG GAME***
Chad came out and did his best Joe Namath impression, albeit without trying to make out with Suzy Kolber. I love how liquored up Namath is in this video. Favre and his mates were systematically dismantled by the Jets. As bad as he must feel, I’m sure Vanderjagt was on suicide watch after Gramatica kicked the winning FG for the Cowboys this week. At least Favre has the never ending unconditional love of John Madden; Vanderslap is just a “boozed up kicker” from Canada. Too bad, eh?

Herr Leonard Herold

Houston Texans 23 vs. Oakland Raiders 14 ****BAG GAME***
Since this game isn’t worth discussing, I will take the opportunity to congratulate Lenny on the Gator victory in Atlanta and the subsequent bid to the BCS title game in AZ. I’m sure young Leonard was in full Florida glory and there was much joy at every drinking establishment that he stumbled into after the game. Good luck getting flights and tickets!