Iron Leonard – Plastic of the Beast!
By F. Shawn Fitzgerald
Welcome Bag Fans!
Well this last week was a happy hour free zone, so I’m sad to report that I have no shenanigans from the usual suspects to fall back on this week…so, I’ll have to reminisce on my youthful memories from holidays past.
There was the one big gift every year that you wanted as a kid. It ranged from bicycles to baseball gloves, board games to legos, and GI Joe to Transformers. However all things changed in October of 1977 when Atari 2600 was released and kids everywhere lost their collective shit. The age of gaming had begun and none of us would be the same…
I recall fondly the Christmas that I received Atari 2600. My Aunt and Uncle were down and as I opened the wrapping on the box, I had a vague idea of what this machine was supposed to do. My uncle and I hooked it up to the little portable TV with the UHF and VHF connections and got down to some serious Pong. The pathetic paddles were difficult to hold and far too touchy for a 6 year old to operate. I moved on to “COMBAT!” where I could conduct field operations as a Tank, a Bi-plane, 3 Bi-planes, a Bomber, a fighter, 3 fighters, and a bunch of other bizarre crap. I thoroughly enjoyed the 3 planes spinning when they were hit. The basic graphics entranced me and I was drooling in no time. As we all know, Atari raised us to some extent and we all rejoiced with each new game; Asteroids, Defender, Pitfall, and of course the Pac-Man mania that grabbed us all. I made my Mom drive me to an Apex in Pawtucket just to get my hands on it (I think it was $50 back in 1980…crazy money) only to get home and see the lame sound effects and graphics. Mass disappointment swept over us.
We all went on to have several other systems and had different paths through all of the competition, but we were all spawned from Atari. I had:
Colecovision: The least ergonomic controllers of all time; 13 buttons, of which only 2 were used, and 1 joy stick. They did have the foresight to create an adapter that let you play Atari 2600 games. I believe this was one of the reasons I got this. That and the fact that Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. were so fucking awesome!
Nintendo: This is where everyone’s path met once again. Wherever you went after Atari, everyone came back together for the original NES. Super Mario Brothers ruled the wasteland that was our brains. The controller now had 2 buttons that were both used and a keypad instead of a joystick. Huge innovation. Techmo Bowl may never be surpassed for it’s popularity. Also the first system that I recall getting fucked up and playing. Good times. I also remember being grounded and Playing Super Mario 2 while listening to Physical Graffiti on repeat for hours.
Playstation: I skipped over the whole Sega thing and landed right in the thick of the CD revolution. Ray-Man entranced me and nothing in college could be compared to an all afternoon “session” of brightly colored lights and giggling in a smoke filled room.
Playstation2: I ended up at the PS2, where some split off and picked up the Xbox. They both have their merits, but neither completely dominates. I relish the fact that I still find it humorous to drink a 40 and play a plastic guitar with friends before a night on the town.
As PS3 is released, I ask you all to reflect on the blisters from “Track & Field”, your parents walking in front of the TV at a critical moment, the first time you threw the controller in disgust and were POSITIVE the computer was cheating, the “condom” coming off of the controller to expose a white nylon stick, blowing the dust out of cartridges, and starting every game from the beginning because you couldn’t save it.
I took the week on points as Randie, Joe-Joe and I all split our games. Sadly, Herr Leonard went 0-fer again this week. I maintain a 1 game lead in GB2K6. Since the inception of this bet, it has never been this close this late in the season. With 3 weeks to play, Lenny has yet to win a write up. This will be a record if the streak continues all season. Lenny has not broken my GB2K5 season low of 8 total wins. He has 6 wins, with 6 games to play. Houston has NE, Indy, and Cleveland left. Oakland has STL, KC, and the NY Jets. He might be able to eek out 2 wins to achieve the tie…then again, he might not. Die with your plastic on Lenny!
On to the games!
Joe-Joe
Philadelphia Eagles 21 vs. Washington Redskins 19
Joe-Joe watches uneasily as his bag team defeats his favorite team. He is torn. He feels sick. He doesn’t know what to do…until the Chevy commercial comes on and he remembers that this is “Our Country”. He smiles, thinks about guns, republicans, and beer, and everything is okay again. From the East Coast to the west coast, to the Dixie Highway back home, this is our Country!
San Francisco 49ers 13 vs. Green Bay Packers 31 ****BAG GAME***
Alex Smith and Co fall short. The NFC West is cluttered at the bottom. They hope to finish out of the cellar. They are sad. Barry Bonds coming back to the Giants doesn’t help their mood. The city pukes in unison.
Shawn
New Orleans Saints 42 vs. Dallas Cowboys 17
The Saints drop the People’s elbow on Dallas. Parcells scurries around on the sidelines like Capt. Lou Albano. Reggie Bush struts around the field like the Junkyard Dog. Drew Brees kisses his biceps like Hulk Hogan and bathes in his own greatness. He knows the Saints are for real.
Cleveland Browns 7 vs. Pittsburgh Steelers 27
In a similar display of stupidity and bad luck the Browns have secured their spot in GB2K7 as well. The Brownies have been in the bet every year but one. I don’t think the likes of Derek Anderson are here to lead them to the promised land. Romeo is still looking for his Juliet on offense.
Randie
New York Jets 13 vs. Buffalo Bills 31 ****BAG GAME***
With Tom Brady languising in his own depression in Miami and the Pats taking a 21-0 loss, the Jizzettes had destiny intheir hands. With a win they would be in contention for the AFC East and almost surely cement themselves as a Wild Card team. Intead of jumping at this opportunity, they wandered around the field like the 4 of us would at 3am on a Saturday night; directionless and incoherent. Mangini went home and stabbed his Bellichick voodoo doll 5 extra times.
Green Bay Packers 31 vs. San Francisco 49ers 13 ****BAG GAME***
Favre smiles as he walks from the field. He knows that there is no way that the Pack will be back in GB2K7. Matt Millen and his incompetence have assured the Detroit Lions of yet another appearance. Under his watch, the Lions have gone 23-70. Um, how the fuck does he still have a job?
Herr Leonard Herold
Houston Texans 20 vs. Tennessee Titans 26
Vince Young comes back to his home town and pimp slaps the Texans. So, not only did the Texans pass on Reggie Bush (who is enfuego right now) they also passed on Vince. His TD run in overtime put an extra turn on the knife and sent the brass running for cover.
Oakland Raiders 10 vs. Cincinnati Bengals 27
Are the Raiders worth talking about? No. Cincinnati looks great right now. They could run the table like the Steelers did last season. I want to hear more out of Ocho Cinco, but I think he’s waiting on the big games…Oakland isn’t even worth getting excited about.
Comments
I'm sure you've heard the guy on the bus/train that has the Super Mario Bros. theme song as his cell phone ring...ahh memories.
I will never get the sound of Mario jumping to hit his head on a brick block 50 times in a row to score all those damn coins. Ching, ching, ching,ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching...
Posted by: Jul | December 12, 2006 10:49 AM
Hey Shawm how about the Atari game Adventure. That was one of my favorites. I still have my original Atari and the box it came in. Its in My mothers garage down in Florida. I wonder if it still works.
Also, It was the BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY SCOTT STEINER THAT LIKES TO KISS HIS BI'S
Dave....
Posted by: David Giwner | December 12, 2006 11:35 AM
Nice job, even with the shortage of material. Joy-zee does that to you. Other great games worth mentioning:
Adventure: The duck-like creatures will forever haunt my nightmares. How freakin' psyched were you when you finally got the chalice?
Missile Command: The reason the track ball was invented. Simple, yet mesmerizing.
Warlords: I spent hours and hours and hours playing this game. Like breakout, but against your friends! The first game you could play using the paddles.
River Raid: Revolutionary in that it felt like a combination adventure/action game since the river changed as you went along.
The Mega Man Series: The theme music for these games will be forever etched in my brain. The gameplay was totally addictive, and it really introduced the idea of distinct stages and a boss. I remember being pissed off because there would be one spot I couldn't get past, and I'd have to keep restarting the mission to try the same part over and over again. Damn you Dr. Wily!
Ghosts and Goblins: Like Super Mario Bros., this was an arcade game that became a "killer app" on NES - a reason to buy the system. Addictive gameplay, with the sword-firing and tombstone-hopping, combined with a linear adventure-type layout where you saw the entire level map as well as how far you were from the goal.
Karate Champ: First ever two-joystick game, as far as I know! I remember racking my brain trying to master all the different combinations. It didn't translate as well to the NES (or the C-64, for that matter) because of the controller. "One, two, three, FIGHT!"
Elevator Action: WOW. You could shoot the lights out!, and the puzzles got harder and harder. I spent thousands of quarters on this game in the arcade.
Burgertime: Who could forget this classic? Watch out for that hot dog, and use your pepper wisely!
Bump n' Jump: Seriously, one of the most fun NES games ever. The coolest thing about it was seeing your car get bigger as it rose up to your bird's-eye view when you hit a ramp. Also who doesn't enjoy smashing another car into something and watching it explode?
RBI Baseball: Perhaps the precursor to all great sports games, I remember being in college, getting tanked and playing Homerun Derby with Randie, Rob and Lyle almost daily. No fancy pitches, just see how many times you can go yard. I imagine I could enjoy doing this tomorrow if I still had an NES.
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!: You must have been smoking crack under a rock in the late '80s if you weren't addicted to this game. From Glass Joe to Don Flemenco to Bald Bull to Piston Honda, all of the guys you got to fight were fun to kick the shit out of. Admit it, you know it took you a while to figure out how to time it so you could avoid Soda Popinski's letal uppercut!!!
Contra: No discussion of late-80s video games is complete without this classic. Ridiculously fun because of the linear layout, the awesome array of weapons and powerups, and the cool little puzzles interspersed throught the game, may have literally spent months playing it. God bless Wikipedia for remembering the cheat!!!! Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.
Excitebike: Needs no explanation. Ramps, dirt, revving engine noises and crashing because you landed on your front wheel. Genius.
Zelda: Who could forget this king of all adventure franchises? So much complexity, the biggest map we'd seen to date, secrets galore and all kinds of fun little objects you'd need to find to get to the next dungeon. This game was so great that they're still making versions of it today.
But the creme de'la creme of all Nintendo games had to be.....
Super Tecmo Bowl: Ryan Dickey claims he's the best player the world has ever known. I don't buy it. There WILL be an NYC STB tournament sometime soon to prove who the real master is. I remember a summer in Gainesville during which Larry Eadie, my roommate at the time, bet me lunch he could beat me literally every day, only to fail repeatedly. It didn't matter which team I played - I always knew how to hit the hole, get behind the defense and shake those tackles. I could score 70 with just about any team at any time. And the TD animations... just awesome. Sometimes I'd watch the halftime show just to giggle at it. The myriad (8!!!) of plays, the wide range of teams to choose from, and the real players made this game an instant classic. Lawrence Taylor was unstoppable. Bo Jackson was superhuman. Christian Okoye could run over half your team. There's never been a sports game this good, and probably never will be.
Posted by: Herr Leonard | December 12, 2006 11:36 AM
Ah yes, NES.
Always played the Bears cause they could block every extra point with the wing back. Bring in on Little Dickey.
Lenny and I trying to finish Super Mario 3 the fastest. I think he did it in like 8 minutes. Jumping that turtle coming down the steps in level 7 to get unlimited lives.
Also big on Ikari Warriors. Kind of like Contra but going up instead of side to side. Playing two players with a ton of grenades = guartanteed total desruction.
I was probably the only person in the world who played Nobunaga's Ambition which was also the first game I ever played for more than 24 hours straight.
Karate Champ was the first game I could play for an hour on one quarter.
I don't know why but I could never get enough Zaxxon
Posted by: Randie | December 12, 2006 1:32 PM
Off topic, but still awesome - watch Dan Marino beat up his desk. Settle down, Dan!
Posted by: Herr Leonard | December 12, 2006 1:47 PM