By Randie Swanberg

Merry Christmas to all you christians and wanna be's (like me) and a Happy Channuka to the tribesmen. Oh yeah and Happy Kwanzaa too. I'm trying to avoid a red flag so this one's going to be short. With things super tight, I had a monster 2-0 weekend and now have a very slim one game lead over Joe Joe. Everyone else went 1-1 this weekend. Special props to FShawn's narrow one point victory over Red in the ICWT 2006 Superbowl and many apologies to the Bloodsuksers fan base for the horrible loss to the lowly Gloryholes in the uber consolation game. Booze for Joe Joe and yes, Wanker, you can drink it alone.

Lenny (7-23)
Someone should get make a t-shirt for Lenny that says "Raiders Let me Down" cause it's Houston's late season prowess that may keep him out of the record books. Lenny's at 7 wins now and needs one win in the final week to tie the record for fewest wins in a season held by FShawn and your truly. I personally loved the Texans' upset of the Colts. I heart Manning disappointments. Lenny has double ***BAG MATCHUPs*** this weekend as Houston has Cleveland and Oakland travels to the Meadowland to tkae on the potentially playoff bound Jets. My prediction 0-2 with new records for losses and yes, not one write up! How disparraging!

Shawn (14-16)
For as good as the Saints are this year, Cleveland is equally bad. I made the brilliant GM decision to pick up Derek Anderson in my other league to start the league championship game. Thanks for the 4 INTs dickhead. Now I'm playing for thrid place. Like I said before, Cleveland takes on Houston and with neither tream playing for much, this one's hard to call. The Saints take on Carolina and while Chicago has already clinched home field, the Aints need a win or a Philly loss to secure a first round bye. My prediction 1-1.

Joe Joe (15-15)
Same as Shawn, Philly good , San Fran bad. Philly's in the playoffs and takes on the woeful dirty Birds this weekend. San Fran plays Denver who's playing for a playoff spot so I'm penciling in an L for the niners. My prediction 1-1. We should make him wear wonder bread bag on his hands which will make carrying the football oh so interesting.

Randie (16-14)

Oh the green machine, how I love thee. Let me count the ways. The Jets may make the playoffs and take on the Oakland Ass Raiders. Sweet. There should be an extra prize for teams that make the playoffs. This year there may be three teams in! Green Bay is playing for pride only. They're playing Chicago who should bench all of their starters this week which could mean another 2-0 for me. Either way I'm calling at least a 1-1 to clinch back to back Overlordships. That's right, another year of darkness. I assure you I will not be as kind this year as I was last year!

Next years Bag lineup is pretty much cinched. A lot of familiar faces! All GB veterans.
Miami
Cleveland
Houston
Oakland
Washington
Detroit
Tampa Bay
Arizona

Until 2007.

Randie

RIP The Godfather of Soul.

RIP The Godfather of Watergate.

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

by Joe-Joe

Okay, football has taken a back seat right now, with these shitty holidays looming ahead, already creating havoc, sucking away time that I don’t have and making me participate in full-contact shopping for crap that people could totally do without. Apparently, the people I work with failed to get the memo that says you are supposed to stop giving me work to do this time of year. Hence I have invoked the dreaded “red flag” for a late bag write up…something about having to wear a Wonder Bread bag on my arm during the payoff. We’ll see…if I’m Overlord, I’m Overlord. And Overlords don’t wear plastic, bitches!!!

I have little time to regale you with funny stories. I am in an awful mood, and therefore you will see an utter lack of humor and in fact, may find content that is not in “good taste”. If you are sensitive to such tastes, please log off now and read no further. You can go to the supermarket and pick up a Reader’s Digest or something.

With just two weeks to go, Randie and I are tied in standings, with Shawn in a close third. A lot of winable games for all these next two weeks, so the top three positions are up in the air.

Joe-Joe

49ers 24 Seahawks 14
Perhaps the Seahawks first stringers were busy looking for the hikers on Mt. Hood? What were they thinking??? The lesson here kids: Sometimes, when you tempt fate, fate kicks your ass, punches your ticket, and laughs at you. It’s December. It’s a tall mountain in the Pacific Northwest. Inclement weather is the rule. Save your testosterone and false bravado for fantasy football and Big Buck Hunter for crying out loud. Good ol’ Chuck Darwin is snickering to himself right now…Three less people to pollute the human gene pool.

Eagles 36 Giants 22
Did anyone else notice that the Eagles’ logo in the top left corner of the blog was finally changed to give the Eagles the proper respect? It had been the Seahawks logo for the longest time. I was going to say something to Lenny about it, but he was probably still mad at me for leaving Giants Stadium with 3 minutes to go in an ugly, ugly 31-13 Jets loss to the Bills in Week 14. I tried not to listen to him since the fact that his eyes were glowing red and he was saying that my lack of interest in these final 3 minutes of a Jets loss somehow translated into me being a bad Mets fan clearly indicated that his logic circuits might have been shorted by a flask of Knob Creek (or two). I got my revenge when I watched him walk past me in the bus line 20 minutes later, as he tried to call me. Real fans wait in line, sucker!!! Anyway, I’m glad he’s got his birds straight at least.

Shawn

Browns 17 Ravens 27
Shawn loses!!! Shawn had a rough Sunday. But I will give a shout out to the bartender at Copper Door Tavern (3rd b/w 21 and 22). We all got our $25 worth and then some. Shawn for example, got a case of “angry shouting man lunacy” along with a case of “delayed-onset hot wing projectile vomiting syndrome” (full disclosure – he admitted to grabbing McBrudal’s on the way to Penn Station). Crane, on the other hand, contracted full-blown “I want to see what this one-legged knee-jerk dance is all about-itis". After three hops, he was apparently unable to release his ankle from his grip, lost his balance, and landed face first into the bar, knocking over his beer and shocking himself into a flicker of sobriety just long enough for the bartender to ever-so-gently announce, “You’re friend is cut-off”. Shortly thereafter, he tried to make off with every last person’s coat in the bar, before realizing he didn’t bring one.

Shawn and Crane both earn gold-stars.

Redskins 16 Saints 10
Oh! Shawn loses again!!! He falls to third place. How nice it would be to see his face painted doo-doo brown with a white racing stripe down the middle!!! “Hi, I’m Paint-Facer Shawn, would you care to have your picture taken with me for my internet site?”

Randie
Jets 26 Vikings 3

Lions 9 Packers 17
Team Green wins a pair for Randie, who joined us at some point on Sunday when the accuracy of my internal clock was somewhat questionable. But he was there. He also was at the Jets-Bills game, and unlike Lenny, left to catch the bus back to Port Authority at a reasonable time (as opposed to when the game clock was at zero and the line to the bus was 2 miles long). J-E-T-S Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!

Lenny
Rams 20 Raiders 0

Texans 7 Patriots 40

Lenny begged off on Sunday…and should be shamed. I know he has earned his stripes – indeed he has gold stars from Montreal and Las Vegas – and more often than not, he is the last man standing, but his excuse of having a hangover reeks of amateur league.

His teams were outscored 60-7…which is amazing. I guarantee he won’t touch either of these teams next year…if he can help it. They are like the guys on the mountain…people are waiting for them to show up, but really no one expects it.

I hope you have a great Christmas, or that you are having a happy Hanukkah…whatever the case, try not to eliminate yourself from the gene pool.

Posted by Joe-Joe at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Joe wins the write-up this week on points. We've got a real dogfight on our hands in the battle for the Overlord spot. I've clinched the bag, amid no fanfare and even less suspense.

The only thing that remains for me to hope for is one, just one single write-up for this season. Oh, and I'd also like to avoid setting the record for losses in a season... not that there's much chance of avoiding that at this point.

Hey, at least my college team is good.

Posted by Lenny at 9:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

Well this last week was a happy hour free zone, so I’m sad to report that I have no shenanigans from the usual suspects to fall back on this week…so, I’ll have to reminisce on my youthful memories from holidays past.

There was the one big gift every year that you wanted as a kid. It ranged from bicycles to baseball gloves, board games to legos, and GI Joe to Transformers. However all things changed in October of 1977 when Atari 2600 was released and kids everywhere lost their collective shit. The age of gaming had begun and none of us would be the same…

I recall fondly the Christmas that I received Atari 2600. My Aunt and Uncle were down and as I opened the wrapping on the box, I had a vague idea of what this machine was supposed to do. My uncle and I hooked it up to the little portable TV with the UHF and VHF connections and got down to some serious Pong. The pathetic paddles were difficult to hold and far too touchy for a 6 year old to operate. I moved on to “COMBAT!” where I could conduct field operations as a Tank, a Bi-plane, 3 Bi-planes, a Bomber, a fighter, 3 fighters, and a bunch of other bizarre crap. I thoroughly enjoyed the 3 planes spinning when they were hit. The basic graphics entranced me and I was drooling in no time. As we all know, Atari raised us to some extent and we all rejoiced with each new game; Asteroids, Defender, Pitfall, and of course the Pac-Man mania that grabbed us all. I made my Mom drive me to an Apex in Pawtucket just to get my hands on it (I think it was $50 back in 1980…crazy money) only to get home and see the lame sound effects and graphics. Mass disappointment swept over us.

We all went on to have several other systems and had different paths through all of the competition, but we were all spawned from Atari. I had:

Colecovision: The least ergonomic controllers of all time; 13 buttons, of which only 2 were used, and 1 joy stick. They did have the foresight to create an adapter that let you play Atari 2600 games. I believe this was one of the reasons I got this. That and the fact that Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. were so fucking awesome!

Nintendo: This is where everyone’s path met once again. Wherever you went after Atari, everyone came back together for the original NES. Super Mario Brothers ruled the wasteland that was our brains. The controller now had 2 buttons that were both used and a keypad instead of a joystick. Huge innovation. Techmo Bowl may never be surpassed for it’s popularity. Also the first system that I recall getting fucked up and playing. Good times. I also remember being grounded and Playing Super Mario 2 while listening to Physical Graffiti on repeat for hours.

Playstation: I skipped over the whole Sega thing and landed right in the thick of the CD revolution. Ray-Man entranced me and nothing in college could be compared to an all afternoon “session” of brightly colored lights and giggling in a smoke filled room.

Playstation2: I ended up at the PS2, where some split off and picked up the Xbox. They both have their merits, but neither completely dominates. I relish the fact that I still find it humorous to drink a 40 and play a plastic guitar with friends before a night on the town.

As PS3 is released, I ask you all to reflect on the blisters from “Track & Field”, your parents walking in front of the TV at a critical moment, the first time you threw the controller in disgust and were POSITIVE the computer was cheating, the “condom” coming off of the controller to expose a white nylon stick, blowing the dust out of cartridges, and starting every game from the beginning because you couldn’t save it.

I took the week on points as Randie, Joe-Joe and I all split our games. Sadly, Herr Leonard went 0-fer again this week. I maintain a 1 game lead in GB2K6. Since the inception of this bet, it has never been this close this late in the season. With 3 weeks to play, Lenny has yet to win a write up. This will be a record if the streak continues all season. Lenny has not broken my GB2K5 season low of 8 total wins. He has 6 wins, with 6 games to play. Houston has NE, Indy, and Cleveland left. Oakland has STL, KC, and the NY Jets. He might be able to eek out 2 wins to achieve the tie…then again, he might not. Die with your plastic on Lenny!

On to the games!

Joe-Joe

Philadelphia Eagles 21 vs. Washington Redskins 19
Joe-Joe watches uneasily as his bag team defeats his favorite team. He is torn. He feels sick. He doesn’t know what to do…until the Chevy commercial comes on and he remembers that this is “Our Country”. He smiles, thinks about guns, republicans, and beer, and everything is okay again. From the East Coast to the west coast, to the Dixie Highway back home, this is our Country!

San Francisco 49ers 13 vs. Green Bay Packers 31 ****BAG GAME***
Alex Smith and Co fall short. The NFC West is cluttered at the bottom. They hope to finish out of the cellar. They are sad. Barry Bonds coming back to the Giants doesn’t help their mood. The city pukes in unison.

Shawn

New Orleans Saints 42 vs. Dallas Cowboys 17
The Saints drop the People’s elbow on Dallas. Parcells scurries around on the sidelines like Capt. Lou Albano. Reggie Bush struts around the field like the Junkyard Dog. Drew Brees kisses his biceps like Hulk Hogan and bathes in his own greatness. He knows the Saints are for real.

Cleveland Browns 7 vs. Pittsburgh Steelers 27
In a similar display of stupidity and bad luck the Browns have secured their spot in GB2K7 as well. The Brownies have been in the bet every year but one. I don’t think the likes of Derek Anderson are here to lead them to the promised land. Romeo is still looking for his Juliet on offense.

Randie

New York Jets 13 vs. Buffalo Bills 31 ****BAG GAME***
With Tom Brady languising in his own depression in Miami and the Pats taking a 21-0 loss, the Jizzettes had destiny intheir hands. With a win they would be in contention for the AFC East and almost surely cement themselves as a Wild Card team. Intead of jumping at this opportunity, they wandered around the field like the 4 of us would at 3am on a Saturday night; directionless and incoherent. Mangini went home and stabbed his Bellichick voodoo doll 5 extra times.

Green Bay Packers 31 vs. San Francisco 49ers 13 ****BAG GAME***
Favre smiles as he walks from the field. He knows that there is no way that the Pack will be back in GB2K7. Matt Millen and his incompetence have assured the Detroit Lions of yet another appearance. Under his watch, the Lions have gone 23-70. Um, how the fuck does he still have a job?

Herr Leonard Herold

Houston Texans 20 vs. Tennessee Titans 26
Vince Young comes back to his home town and pimp slaps the Texans. So, not only did the Texans pass on Reggie Bush (who is enfuego right now) they also passed on Vince. His TD run in overtime put an extra turn on the knife and sent the brass running for cover.

Oakland Raiders 10 vs. Cincinnati Bengals 27
Are the Raiders worth talking about? No. Cincinnati looks great right now. They could run the table like the Steelers did last season. I want to hear more out of Ocho Cinco, but I think he’s waiting on the big games…Oakland isn’t even worth getting excited about.

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

This week saw Julie and I bid adieu to Astoria. After 10 years suckling at the teat of NYC, I have escaped the small Asian women waiting to elbow me in the kidneys at Queensboro Plaza, the “blind” accordion player on the N, the cockroaches, the mice, the stinky armpits in my face on a fine July morning, and the piles of vomit, chicken bones, shish-kebab skewers, and Styrofoam plates littering our doorway on 32nd street. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson “So Long Stinktown!”

On our final evening in Queens Joe-Joe accompanied us to a bar we had failed to make it to in all of those years. Zlata Praha did not disappoint. As soon as we walked in, you could tell this was not a bar for Amerikanskis. The room was about 102 degrees, the 4 guys in the bar were focused on the Rangers game and the service was non-existent. After wrangling up a beer we began to relax. Around beer number 3 the door opened and 2 Mexicans came in carrying an entire deer carcass…un-gutted. No one else in the bar batted an eyelash. Apparently this was normal. I did a double take and watched as the first guy wrestled the back two legs through the bar, while the second guy grabbed a hoof and an antler and tried to keep it from dragging on the floor. Five steps behind, the Czech hunter came in zipping up 2 leather rifle bags. He followed the 2 guys in the back. I was still trying to process this when the hunter came out of the basement with a sledgehammer and walked out the front door. We didn’t know what to make of this so we got more beers. While all of this was going on a Korean guy his wife and their therapist had taken up a spot at the end of the bar right next to us. I listed with the biggest ear of all time as the guy divulged all of his wife’s failures and neuroses. All the while they are pounding beers. As we got ready to leave, the therapist slurred, “Thiiiiiissssss has been a great session”. So, obviously there will be things I miiiiiiiiissssssssss about Queens…

The next morning we drove out to NJ and were welcomed with a cable guy that wanted to drill holes in every wall, the furniture guys that damaged almost everything they delivered, missing the train for happy hour, a myriad of stripped Phillips head screws, duct tape and cardboard in places they definitely shouldn’t be, hanging Christmas lights, cleaning gutters, painting, removing a door knob with a hacksaw, unpacking clothes, fixing the headlight on my car and then dropping the socket into the engine half way through the job…never to be seen again. As we continue to live out of cardboard boxes, I reflect on the lack of chicken bones and count my lucky stars….

My 2 game sweep vaulted me to the top this week, while Joe-Joe split, and Randie and Lenny played with themselves all afternoon.

On to the games!

Joe-Joe
Philadelphia Eagles 27 vs. Carolina Panthers 24
I enjoyed the Philly faithful booing Jeff Garcia as he got up from the second big hit of the game. Who knew that AJ Feely was such a cheese steak celebrity? What are they choosing between, a guy with splinters in his ass or an accused homosexual that came back to win the game? Nothing like Feeley making a career on 4 games where he filled in against no one and got the team to the playoffs. Then again a 3rd string QB with more than 5 years has to make a ton more than league minimum. League minimum is a shitload more than I make. Pretty good for a guy that couldn’t talk himself out of a wet paper bag…ugh. I just depressed myself, let’s just move on.

San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
With the coming out party for Reggie Bush, the 49ers never had a chance. Maybe they could bring Montana, Rice, and Clark back like Sly is resurrecting Rocky Balboa. The 6th installment of the Rocky series is due out shortly. Any movie where the first training montage includes the phrase "you've got calcium deposits in most of your joints so sparring is out!" has got to be good! Take heed 49ers, you can go back to the well!

Shawn
San Francisco 49ers 10 vs. New Orleans Saints 34 ****BAG GAME***
Reggie Bush finally opened up a can of whoop-ass and exploded for 4 touchdowns. Saints fans and fantasy owners alike have been waiting for this like the tabloids have salivated over a panty-less Britney Spears partying with Paris Hilton. It’s a party that everyone can enjoy. The Saints continue their improbable march to a division title and lead me to the top of the garbage heap.

Cleveland Browns 31 vs. Kansas City Chiefs 28
Herm Edwards incompetence came bubbling to the surface this weekend as the Chiefs lost to a no name backup quarterback and a hapless conglomeration of nobodies. With his bad decision making and even worse luck, he should avoid Club Kaluha at all cost this week. I just got a call from Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the Bloods and the Crips. Apparently that last line was completely uncalled for. At least I didn’t ask him to rap to get out of the loss.

Randie
New York Jets 38 vs. Green Bay Packers 10 ****BAG GAME***
Chad came out and did his best Joe Namath impression, albeit without trying to make out with Suzy Kolber. I love how liquored up Namath is in this video. Favre and his mates were systematically dismantled by the Jets. As bad as he must feel, I’m sure Vanderjagt was on suicide watch after Gramatica kicked the winning FG for the Cowboys this week. At least Favre has the never ending unconditional love of John Madden; Vanderslap is just a “boozed up kicker” from Canada. Too bad, eh?

Herr Leonard Herold

Houston Texans 23 vs. Oakland Raiders 14 ****BAG GAME***
Since this game isn’t worth discussing, I will take the opportunity to congratulate Lenny on the Gator victory in Atlanta and the subsequent bid to the BCS title game in AZ. I’m sure young Leonard was in full Florida glory and there was much joy at every drinking establishment that he stumbled into after the game. Good luck getting flights and tickets!

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)