by Joe-Joe

It started out innocently enough: I, like millions of other people over the age of 21, would spend a Sunday afternoon drinking in a bar, paying homage to the deities responsible for inventing ginormous flatscreen televisions and dish networks that make simultaneous viewing of every NFL game a reality. The destination: The Liberty Bar, in Hoboken, NJ.

The bar was my temple; the jersey clad patrons, my fellow parishioners. Brightly lit, flickering TV screens surrounded me on all sides, warming me like stained glass mosaics of the last supper. I found my way to our table in the back corner of the bar and prepared myself to receive the hallowed evangelism of Father Brown, Reverend Collensworth and Rabbi Enberg. The waitress filled up my glass with fresh beer whenever it got less than half full, no doubt an angel sent from above.

Or so I thought.

Fast-forward 14 hours. It is 3:00 AM Monday morning. I am in bed, outside the covers, fully clothed. It feels like my head is being squeezed by a giant garlic press and my mouth tastes like I have been gnawing on used tires. I try to remember the preceding events that led me to my miserable state, but it’s like I only have 25 pieces to a 500-piece puzzle. My TV is on, and blaring talking heads are very excitedly analyzing football games that concluded 10 hours ago.

Think...think...think! Ug. Ouch. Ug. I remember being elated that my fantasy team finally busted out of the doldrums. I remember eating 8 peculiar tasting chicken wings and some stray nachos. I remember waiting for a bus, returning to the bar, and being heckled by Mueller, Leonard & Co. And finally I remember the stout little pitchers of poison and the temptress who relentlessly dispensed it. My angel was a devil in disguise!

As I type this at 6:30 Monday evening, I am still feeling the effects of the Hangover of 2006, having called out of work (thank god for Personal Time Off), my entire day spent re-hydrating and keeping the giant garlic press at bay. Funny how the Anheuser-Busch ad execs always paint a rosier picture. But something tells me if their commercials showed some shlub walking around his apartment with bags under his eyes and his head dunked into a Brita water pitcher all day, rather than a bunch of hot girls prancing around ready to disrobe after you take "one more sip", I'm sure their profits would plummet.

Joe-Joe (8-9)

It's crazy that I won the write up on the basis of 3 field goals. But I was undefeated this week nonetheless!

San Francisco 9, Vikings 3

Like all of the afternoon games, I don’t have the slightest recollection of this game – although I’m pretty sure the King from Burger King caught a deep one for the Vikings. There must have been a holding penalty on the Hamburglar because apparently the officials wiped out the touchdown.

Eagles (Bye)

The most potent 4-4 team had some time to prune their feathers in preparation for a battle with the Redskins. We all need a PTO day once in a while.

Yawn (9-9)

I call Shawn "Yawn" this week for his conspicuous absence at all events of the social variety, most notably, Sunday. I'd like a note from your employer.

New Orleans 31, Tampa Bay 14

New Orleans continues to look like a real franchise. They bring their Cajun voodoo to the Iron City next week against the inversely puzzling Steelers team, who are playing as though they want to participate in GB2K7. I'm certain Bill Cowher's wife is wearing extra make-up and over-sized sunglasses these days.

Cleveland 25, San Diego 32

In the world of fantasy studs, if LT is like Secretariat, then Rouben Droughns is like a My Little Pony. After leading at halftime, the Browns were looking to win their first back-to-back game in three seasons! Alas, all 54 players simultaneously shit themselves at halftime and resolved not to upset the natural order of the football universe. The Browns travel to Hotlanta to play the Dirty Birds next week.

Lenny (4-14)

Oh Lenny!!!! You thought you were distancing yourself from the bag, only to have it sneak up on you like a monster in a horror movie. You've locked all the windows and doors, wedged a wooden table under the doorknob...and are sitting back trying to catch your breath. Meanwhile, the garbage bag is inches away from the base of your neck, cloaked in the cover of darkness, savoring your ignorance in the fact that it can take you out at any second. Unfortunately for you, you don't have any weapons to defeat it.

Houston 10, Giants 14

I remember the most about this game, (a) because it was at 1:00 and (b) because the sound was on. The angst in the bar was palpable with Houston leading heading into the fourth quarter. Between drinks of swill, beefy men in too-tight royal blue jerseys could be heard commiserating about Tiki’s inability to find the endzone and Shockey’s dropped TD pass. I took time for some internal reflection, hoping to determine why it is that I can’t stand the Giants as a franchise. Ultimately I was not able to reach any conclusions. Does anyone else just not like the Giants organization? Is it because they have been boring for the past 10 years and don’t have any sideshow problems? Tell me your thoughts.

Raiders 0, Seahawks 16

I realize that being on the West Coast is favorable for Monday Night Football, but someone at ESPN should be fired for putting the Raiders on twice this year.

Randie (7-10)

Randie slips to third place after going 0-1 this week. And let me let you in on a little secret: If there's one thing that scares me more than spending the night collecting my own juices in a garbage bag, it's face painting. Anyone will tell you I've done a lot of stupid things in public, but for some reason, the thought of doing them with face paint is enough to induce an anxiety attack.

Bufflao 24, Green Bay 10

Is it just me, or shouldn’t this game have taken place later in the year, when the odds for a complete blizzard were favorable? But this picture and caption pretty much says it all. The Packers play host to their Arctic Viking neighbors next week, who are led by the aforementioned King.

Jets (Bye)

I’m not sure what Gang Green worked on during their bye week, but I’m pretty sure it won’t work and Indy will clinch the AFC East. The travel up I-95 next week to lose to New England.

That's it for this week...remember to drink responsibly and to vote for the middle class. And don't forget to wish Dr. Horner a very Happy Birthday!