I thought Joe's been money under pressure lately and Shawn's sketched out turbulent skittles on a plane out of Buffalo of some fucking place had me on the edge of my seat! I thought about laying down some smack, you know, stir the pot a little bit. Then I thought about the reality of calling out my bag mates. I can't make fun of Shawn for his pyromaniacal compulsions or for moving to New Jersey* (I hope you have a fuck ton of fire insurance for that bitch). I can't make fun of Lenny because, well for the obvious but mostly because he's on the verge of not only breaking the lowest win total record but perhaps set a new standard in bagdom by going the entire season without a write up. If I knew Wendler a little better I could come up with something juicier than shooting dogs or being a republican, but no it's completely pointless. Shawn likes to burn things, Lenny has poor football judgement and Joe like to run naked through the woods with an american flag tied around his neck like superman and kill small animals with a double barreled shotgun. These are very obvious qualities we all have and it's these qualities that we all accept in each other. How can you talk smack about an idiosyncrasy? So I'm calling out YOU baglovers. Yeah. Look at the standings bitches! This is BAG history. Every game counts. There are three bag match-ups this weekend. Shit you almost made me drop my pudding.

So I went to Oregon for thanksgiving. Yeah it was my first trip to the emerald of the pacific northwest. FTOYNITK** Lily went to high school out there so we decided to spend the long weekend catching up with her homies in Eugene. Fortunately for me, Thanksgiving weekend is the time for the Oregon vs. Oregon State game, referred to as, The Civil War. This game is over a hundred years old. I didn't know Oregon's been a state that long. I don't think it was a state when the actual Civil War occurred. If it was a state it certainly had nothing to do with the actual Civil War.*** I was invited to party with her friends at the game and it was done in a style that I know will be appreciated by all of our readers. Here's the insiders look on what a day trip to Corvalis consists of: 9:00AM Friday morning I boarded a Fern Ridge School District Bus (heretofore to be known as, "Drunk Bus") with only a fifth of Makers for the day. I figured it would be enough. Sammy has his own fifth and Lily had one of Goldschlager (heretofore to be known as "The Schlag") and I was told there would be plenty of various other types of booze.This was the fourteenth consecutive time the "Drunk Bus" has journeyed to Corvalis and I was honored to be a part of history. Before our organizers would allow Debbie, our driver, to debark, a bottle of Sauza was produced with the instructions that the bus would not leave until the bottle was drained. Yeah Sauza at 9:00 am. Lily and I looked at each other and all I could think of is how proud Lenny and Nettie would be of us. So 27 people piled on the bus in Eugene heading towards Corvalis and the Civil War yet there was one thing sticking curiously in my mind like think chocolate pudding. Should I be a Duck or a Beaver? Fourteen fifths, 3 pee breaks and an hour and fifteen minutes later 27 people literally fell out of the "Drunk Bus" in a parking lot in downtown Corvalis. We walked over to the Peacock for beer, shots, pool, buck hunter and $6 steak and eggs. You know what a $6 steak tastes like? Well it ain't chocolate pudding I can tell you that much. Durp! I totally forgot the fucking rain? All it does there in November is rain. Just rain all day long and all night long. So just to give you the complete picture, think 40 degrees with a steady downpour nonstop with only intermittent breaks. People wear camo and hunter-safe bright orange rain gear as everyday clothes. Perfect football weather. Ok let speed it up. Went inside the stadium which is smaller than the Bronx at 45K. Looks like a modern version of Doak Cambell Stadium which is like putting a new coat of paint on a '74 Mustang II. The game was everything you wanted in a Civil War. Lots of fumbles and interceptions and lead changes and scoring! Not a lot of defense which is odd for a rain game. The Beavers ended up winning the game 30-28 by virtue of a 45 yard blocked field goal with 20 seconds left. I walked back to the bus along many dejected and very wet Ducks. Then in our infinite wisdom we decided that we're not drunk enough so we downed the rest of "The Schlag" whilst side stepping many belly bombs unloaded all over the bus seats. After stopping off in Monroe, OR for some post-game cocktails and nearly blacking out, we decided to call it a night. It was 7:00 pm. Many thanks to the Morrises, Sammy and all the rest of you out west. I had a fucking blast. I heart the "Drunk Bus".

Shawn (10-12)



New Orleans 31, Atlanta 13



What's happening to the dirty birds? They're skidding so bad they're leaving really long delicious trails of chocolate pudding all up and down I-75. The ball is bouncing N'Awlins way this year and they're putting up a shitload of points. It's ultimate battle weekend as Mecha-GodShawna takes on MegaloJoe in the Superdome as San Francisco comes to town. Big game.



Cincinnati 30, Cleveland 0



How do you take your bagel? With Lox? A schmear perhaps? Toasted? As I may have said in my former years, Cleveland is the null set. It isn't one, it isn't zero, it's the absence of value. Good luck with LJ this weekend with your 25th ranked rush defense.



Lenny (5-17)



Houston 11, NY Jets 26



Four bag teams have more wins than Lenny's two combined.



Oakland 14, San Diego 21



The defense is good but man, 3 catches for Moss? How is no one talking about this? Lenny plays himself this week and he's hoping it's a high scoring affair that would lock up a write up :) Hey it's a W either way.





Joe (10-12)



San Francisco 17, St. Louis 20



This is why they play the games. Who would have thought that San Francisco and Philly would have identical records in week 12? That JJ would be putting his hopes in Alex Smith and not McNabb.



Philadelphia 21, Indianapolis 45



I guess we know who the starter in Indy will be for the rest of the year. Not sure how Philly will fare the rest of the way. They really looked like shit on Sunday. Sloppy sloppy play. Sloppy like chococlate pudding on a hot day. They've got Carolina on Monday night.





Randie (10-12)



Houston 11, NY Jets 26



I'm really glad the Jets aren't as shitty as everyone thought they would be this year.



Green Bay 24, Seattle 34



Looked good in the beginning. Not so good at the end. Alexander is back. Nice return on that first rounder. He's played what, two full games? It's me vs. me in Lambeau.



Until next time.



Later. R






peoples poll: How many of you think I use too many commas? Cast your vote.



*It is not the opinion of the writer that New Jersey is a bad place to live. I have many friends and coworkers who live there and have visited the Garden State many times.



**FTOYNITK - For those of you not in the know.



***All fun poked at the great state of Oregon is done solely for the purposes of comedy. It in no way a slight on the state itself or it's people. Oregon was admitted to the union on February 14, 1859.