by: Joe-Joe

Back before I rooted for my fantasy football team (aka Bendler's Wankers), I used to like an NFL team of the traditional variety...and that team was the Washington Redskins. Alas, last year’s playoff anomaly not withstanding, they have spent the past decade basically just wasting time and space. Wherefore art thou Joe Theismann, Russ Grimm, John Riggins, Darrel Green, Ernest Byner, Art Monk and the rest of “the posse”?

I remember when I started liking them: it was in late 1982 and it was during their playoff run that eventually had them spanking the Dolphins in the Super Bowl. They were my third attempt at liking a team. (Keep in mind this was back before network television decided everyone in the tri-state area had to watch Jets and Giants games to the exclusion of all others every week).

My first attempt came on Thanksgiving in 1979. Knowing nothing about the game, the only thing that was apparent was that the Cowboys were America’s Team…everyone wanted them to win: the announcers; my cousins and uncles; and of course, the sponsors. But what fun was that? Even at the age of 5, my anti-bandwagon tendencies emerged and I rooted for the opposing team. Who was that team, you ask? The Houston Oilers. They ended up winning the game, but not my heart because after that brief introduction, they quickly fell off the radar. Back in the pre-cable days, you were about as likely to see an Oilers game on TV as you are to find a Colin All Cocks column on this blog.

My second attempt came sometime in 1981, and was rooted in the fact that after purchasing six packs of NFL trading cards, I had an inordinate amount of players who played for the Patriots. Ugh. Quite frankly, the logo simultaneously bored and annoyed me. Like, “Hey angry guy dressed in old clothes! You’d be more scary if you were menacing me with a gun and not a three point stance!” Not to mention, to have a human as a mascot didn’t have nearly as much appeal as an inanimate object (say like, an oil derrick?) But at the time, I had two theories as to why I should be a Patriots fan:

(1) It must have been fate to get such a vast majority of Patriots cards
(2) Given the quantity of statistics on the backs of the cards relative to all the other NFL teams, I knew the most about those players.

Alas, I remember quizzing my father about the statistics on the cards during dinner one night, and when he seemed more puzzled than impressed, I asked him, “Are the Patriots a good team?” “They’re not one of the better teams” he replied, “not like the Steelers or Cowboys”. And so the story was written. I spent the next couple of years in limbo, searching for a respectable team with which I could identify. When the Skins showed up, I knew my train had arrived.

[As an aside, I didn’t realize until now that the Patriots new logo is called the “Flying Elvis” . The likeness is uncanny; the decision, perplexing.]

I’m not sure of the total points scored/TD status this week, but I won the write up by virtue of scoring more points than Randie, who also went 2-0. Hence, there is a three-way tie for first, and Leonard faces a serious uphill battle if he has any intention of avoiding a custom-fitted Low Density Polyethylene undergarment.

Joe-Joe (9-9)

Redskins 3 Eagles 27

Dan Snyder does not strike me as a loser. It must pain him that his vast fortune cannot buy him NFL mediocrity. I will save my sympathy for more charitable causes.

That hook-n-lateral Brown-to-Buckhalter score was stupendous, but the Eagles are as streaky as an eight-year-old’s underoos right about now. It will be interesting to see what will happen now that the offensive coordinator will be doing the play-calling. They play Tennessee next week, who have only managed to beat Houston and the Skins thus far this season.

49ers 19 Lions 13

The Lions looked in the crowd, surveying the 30,000 recently laid off auto-workers, and wondered how they can help ease their troubled minds. Their solution was in losing to a bag team, thereby reassuring the Detroit faithful that they won’t be missing anything when they relocate to do the same menial job at a Toyota factory in Tennessee.

Shawn (9-9)

New Orleans 31 Pittsburgh 38

If the Steelers were a publicly traded company, I would buy stock in them right now. As a matter of fact, I did in a way by picking up Rothlsiberger as a free agent QB in my fantasy league. They are hungry and have weapons at every position.

Cleveland 17 Atlanta 13

I just now realized that even with this loss, Atlanta is 5-4. That is about 3 games more than I thought they won. But they spent the past two weeks losing to Detroit and Cleveland. Shame on Michael Vick. Cleveland should have lost this game. What were they thinking???

Randie (9-9)

Green Bay 23 Minnesota 17

Unfortunately, there is no picture of Favre getting Bonked by a surprise snap this week. That picture was the best! The Packers are 4-5 right now, and the way the NFC is looking, they have as good as a shot as anyone at being a wild card team. I wouldn’t mind seeing them battle it out against the slumping Patriots next week. Perhaps its time for a little tea party…a big game for both teams!

Jets 17 New England 14

I’m not big on any historical drama aspect of football, but if ever there was a good storyline, it would be the fact that the Patriot’s coach is so bitter about his “protégé” leaving to take the Jets gig. Duh. What man with a pair of rocks says, “Oh, yeah, I’m ready to be a head coach, but I wouldn’t want to upset you by leaving, so I’ll just kick around here helping out with the laundry.” SUCK IT UP BELICHECK! Be a professional for crying out loud. You pull someone up, you set them free. But this game was huge, with the Jets now just 1 game behind the AFC East leading Pats.

Lenny (5-13)

Denver 17 Oakland 13

I guess it’s getting old writing about how awful Oakland is, so I will write about some sort of smack talk montage I watched, where a bunch of players were saying how former Bronco Shannon Sharpe looked like a horse. I believe the parties included Dieon Sanders, and maybe Keyshawn Johnson, but I’m not sure. It was pretty hysterical, but I can’t find it. Part of me thinks I must have dreamt this, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Let me know if you happen to come across it.

Houston 13 Jacksonville 10

Stat: The Texans are 6-4 overall against Jacksonville, yet have a total of 15 wins against the rest of the league. They host fellow 3-6 squad Buffalo next week, who will be itching to release the pent up frustrations of losing to the Colts by 1.

That is all for this week - please join me tomorrow for my birthday celebration if you are in town...