By Joe-Joe

Every Columbus Day brings with it the chance to ponder why on earth it is a national holiday. Not that I am inconvenienced by this particular holiday, really, save for the closing of the post office and the utter lack of mail. And come to think of it, I’ve never received anything worthwhile in the mail the day after Columbus Day anyway. But how do the Native Americans feel? Put yourself in their shoes (or rather, their moccasins). It would be like North Korea dropping the bomb on South Korea - and then establishing Kim Jong Il Day to celebrate its conquest and “discovery”. Or just imagine a future generation of Astorians who celebrate “Ryan Crane Day” for “discovering” Astoria. Certainly it can be argued that he has provided more cultural enlightenment than the vast majority of its inhabitants, who like the American natives of 1492 speak in semi-intelligible dialects, bathe only to rid themselves of severe bug infestations, and in general treat what should be considered a prime piece of real estate as if it was some 3rd rate campground.

Alas, the world is a different place and the days when you could steal another person’s property and celebrate with impunity are at a hiatus it seems…at least until we run out of petroleum and society enters the anarchical phase of human existence that is clearly spelled out for us in the Mad Max trilogy. In the meantime, as the weekly winner, it is in my purview to declare the day after Columbus Day “Ryan Crane Day” for his bravery in settling such an uncivilized corner of the globe. If it wasn’t for his wide-eyed stories about unrealized potential, neither myself nor the Fitzy’s would have ever called it home. Unfortunately, Alternate Side of the Street Parking Rules will not be suspended.

Joe-Joe (6-4, PF:260, PA:243, TDs:32)

For the second time, duties precluded me from watching any of the games. This time around, I was busy cutting down several acres of overgrown Christmas trees on my father’s property in the Catskills. Two days of lumberjacking left so many needle marks on my forearms that I’m afraid someone’s going to sign me up to be on the A&E show, “Intervention”. My advice to any potential Christmas Tree Entrepreneurs: If a tree starts to look all raggedy-assed, don’t wait 20 years to cut it down, because that bastard WILL kick your ass.

Oakland 20, San Fran 34 ***Bag Game***

In the off-season, it looked like 49er wins were about as likely to be in vogue as Joe Montana’s haircut. But even they managed to do the fashionable thing and kick the crap out of their much maligned cross-bay rivals. It was basically, run-run-run, intercept-intercept-intercept. Intercept. Frank Gore continues to establish himself as a legitimate fantasy stud and the ‘Niners continue to do what is necessary to keep my skin away from the cinch sack.

Dallas 24, Philly 38
The much anticipated T.O. homecoming turned into a disappointment for all parties involved. After the game, Owens was seen alternatively yelling at his teammates and rocking himself to sleep while laying in the fetal position. Something tells me if he was a professional golfer, he would go through caddies like a mailman goes through shoes. I’d love it if one day at practice his quarterback said, “You think this shit is so easy? Let me go for a goddamned jog while 11 guys come charging after your head. Let’s see if you don’t miss a read, jackass!!!”

Shanaynay (5-5, PF:199, PA:195, TDs:21)

Tampa Bay 21, New Orleans 24

The Saints continue their winning ways, providing the conspiracy theorists more fuel for the fire, and providing southern evangelicals more proof that despite that little mishap of a natural disaster that ravaged their city and tore apart their lives, Jesus loves them and miracles happen. When asked about his thoughts as to a New Orleans conspiracy, Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden was reported as saying, “I don’t know anything about the conspiracy, or the $250,000 the NFL paid me to orchastrate the loss.” New Orleans is a very respectable 4-1, but I’m anxious to see how they hold up against the varsity teams of the NFL. With Philly, Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati coming up, we’ll know soon enough.

Cleveland 12, Carolina 20

The Browns lost yet again, and scored no touchdowns in the process. Like the city itself, the team is bland and nondescript. Writing something about their games is like being asked to write about beige carpet. I’m pretty sure they exist and serve a purpose, but I don’t care enough to delve into the details. Whoever wins the write-up next week won’t have to struggle either, since they have a bye week. Hopefully they will use the time off to generate some buzz…but it won’t help.

Randall-El (3-7, PF:183, PA:270, TDs:22 )

St. Louis 23, Green Bay 20

I can only feel sympathy for the poor Packer fans who waited 20 years to finally get season tickets, only to be treated to some truly uninspiring football and a self-destructing quarterback. Fortunately, as is the case with most sporting events, the actual event is secondary to the rituals of tailgating, public intoxication, and hazing of the opposing team’s fans. With enough booze, anything is bearable. The Packers have a bye this coming week, just in time to tune up the Zamboni for the frozen tundra.

Side bar: How great is it that St. Louis has a player whose first name is Jerametrius? My guess is that it’s a mash-up of Jeramiah and Demetrius. I’m assuming there may be a couple of Demeiah’s already on the books.

NY Jets 0, Jacksonville 41

Woah, Nellie! After nearly sowing their oats against the vaunted Colts the week before, the Jets may as well have not even made the trip to Jacksonville. Everyone around town had the Gang Green being semi-serious contenders, and Sunday’s game was an obvious statement: We will not sit here idly and allow you to gather confidence in us. We are not ready to be taken seriously we will prove to you that we are every bit as irresponsible as we were under Herman Edwards.

The Jets should bounce back as they play host to the truly offensive (in a bad way) Fish next week…but don’t get too confident. As evidenced by their latest performance, they’ll blow a game if they damn well feel like it.

L-Baggy (1-7, PF:113, PA:226, TDs:13 )

The Yankees lost in the first round, his bag teams are absolutely terrible, and his ICWT team isn’t anything to write home about…If things weren't looking so rosy for the Florida Gators in both football and basketball, I’d genuinely start to worry about our good pal Leo.

Houston (Bye)

With an extra week off to celebrate their recent win over Miami, it’s time for the Texans to put away the whippits and get ready for what is coming for them…another loss. This week, at the hands of the Cowboys.

Oakland 20, San Fran 34 ***Bag Game***

If this was a blackjack table, the Raiders would have cursed out the dealer, waited for their last free drink and collected their chips about 6 hands ago. It’s one thing to fail in gambling and sports, it’s an entirely different thing to fail in your career. Looking at the mirror every morning and seeing a Professional Loser can’t be healthy for one’s psyche. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t mind seeing them go 0-for-the-season, just to gain a better understanding of the human condition. And let’s not forget having Lenny crinkle around the city for a hot summer evening…

Till next time…