By F. Shawn Fitzgerald

Welcome Bag Fans!

The beginning of the week welcomed us with a possible TO suicide attempt. I guess his years at Chattanooga didn’t prepare him to ingest massive amounts of Vicodin and keep partying. Had he gone to Lehigh, Florida, Miami, or Syracuse they would’ve found him knee deep in beer cans playing 3-Man and screaming about wanting a taco at 3 am…with no one else in his house. Sadly, he was found semi-conscious on the floor of his bathroom and had his publicist screaming at a 911 operator about pills down his throat. Not so “Rock Star”, TO. If he really did try to shut the lights out, he could’ve at least been creative. He should’ve bought a Super Man costume and flown to Philadelphia, then asked Donovan McNabb to meet him in front of City Hall. With Donovan in place he could’ve jumped screaming “SUPA TeeeeOhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” and crushing McNabb at the same time. It’s a sad state of affairs that his publicist said he had “25 million reasons to live”. I’m guessing she isn’t getting anymore clients with pathetic spin control like that. Rookie scenario all the way around.

Saturday found me drinking beers back stage at Gigantour with the Smashup. Let me tell you, backstage is not what you think it is, but it is much better than being in the seats. All the beer you can drink and the ability, neigh the requirement, that you drink every last drop. Watching Vin realize another of his dreams by opening the show with the likes of Lamb of God and Megadeth was truly memorable. Little metal kids were chasing him down for his autograph and staring at him with wide blood shot eyes. Damn I miss those days. After 20 beers the pyro during Megadeth was that much better. I was in such a good mood I didn’t even bother seeking out Dave Mustane to ask him how that long sad bus ride out of Metallica was.

With playoff baseball in full swing and NASCAR drawing to a closeas well, we can take solace in the warm embrace of Sunday and Monday. Football will be there to see you through the long cold nights…just like that garbage bag waiting for Lenny. On to the games!

Joe-Joe (4-4, PF:188, PA:199, TDs:23 )

Philadelphia Eagles 31 vs. Green Bay Packers 9 ***BAG GAME***
With Brian Westbrook on the sidelines nursing his injured knee like a sissy, McNabb did his best Ahhhhhhhhnold impersonation from Predator and proceeded to dismantle the Packers. He threw for 2 TDs and ran for 2 more. He carried the Eagles on his back and kept telling them to “Get to the Choppaaa! Go!” while he fired into the underbrush and fought off the enemy alone. Next week, TO will be in town. If the Philly fans don’t swing by Costco and stock up on the cheapest pills they can find I will be TERRIBLY-TERRIBLY disappointed. I expect it to be raining generic ibuprofen from the 300 level for all Dallas’ offensive plays.

San Francisco 49ers 0 vs. Kansas City Chiefs 41
San Fran mailed this one in like me at an office dinner. Just waiting for it to be over, checking my phone and ordering another drink, while I wonder if anyone has noticed that I’ve stopped paying attention to the work jibber-jabber that’s going on around me. Huard had his dream day and dropped the hammer like an Albert Haynesworth stomp to the head (ouch!), and LJ really got his legs under him for the first time this season. Joe-Joe’s underdog 49ers were no where to be found this week. The Apocalypse will be upon us next weekend as Oakland crosses the bay and tries not to get embarrassed for a 5th straight week (can you be embarrassed by a bye week? I think the Raiders were…).

Shawn (4-4, PF:163, PA: 154, TDs: 18)

New Orleans Saints 18 vs. Carolina Panthers 21
After the Falcons changed their name to the Washington Generals last week and tanked the game to lift the spirits of those attending the first Saints game in the Superdome in almost 2 years, they got back to their winning ways and thrashed Arizona…to the point where Warner finally lost his job…faith in God and all. Makes you wonder about the whole NFL “collusion” thing all over again. This week the Saints showed their true mediocre colors and lost a close one to the Panthers. Reggie Bush is still a virgin and he is waiting for TD prom night. I had him figured for a TD whore in the vein of Jenna Jameson, but sadly he is turning out to be the Laura Engles of slut-dom…he’s not giving up anything out there on the prairie. Maybe next week we’ll get to see a little BOW-CHICKA-BOW in the end zone.

Cleveland Browns 23 vs. Oakland Raiders 21 ***BAG GAME***
Basically the Browns woke up in my worst nightmare and pulled out the win. When I get stressed out I have this dream where I find out that I have missed a class for the entire semester, it’s after add/drop so I can’t get out of the class. The exam is usually that afternoon, and I have no choice but to go to the exam and try and pass the course, but I have no idea where the class meets. So, I frantically run around trying to find the class. Then I wake up. The Browns cleared the fog from their eyes and aced the test with 21 unanswered points in the late 3rd and 4th quarter.

Randie (3-5, PF: 163, PA: 206, TDs: 20 )

Philadelphia Eagles 31 vs. Green Bay Packers 9 ***BAG GAME***
The unfinished symphony of dropped passes being composed by Bret Favre was back in the conservatory this week. With Donald Drivers hands providing most of the bars, and the ground providing the bass, the beautiful Thumpa-Thwack-Flump-Smack was music to Eagle ears. Favre put down his conducting baton and left the game in the 4th quarter after getting steam-rolled by the Philadelphia Defensive line. Something tells me he will keep his game starting streak alive next week at home against St. Louis. Any guy that was addicted to the stuff TO tried to off himself with is ok in my book.

New York Jets 28 vs. Indianapolis Colts 31
Obviously, the Jets are drinking the Kool-Aid and the believe they can win now. Mangini has opened up the offense (that Herm Edwards sealed like an Egyptian sarcophagus during his years as the Jets coach) and let the players take chances. When you know your coach will give you a chance to win, you’ll play that much harder. This week the Jets were the younger kids in the neighborhood trying to steal a game of wiffle ball from the middle school guys. They had a perfect game going until the bottom of the 9th when the resident jock came in and ended the young upstarts dreams. The Jets go home crushed but invigorated at the same time. They will try to lead Randie to a second consecutive Overlord position.

Herr Leonard Herold (1-5, PF: 93, PA: 192, TDs: 11)

Houston Texans 17 vs. Miami Dolphins 15
LENNY GETS A WIN!!! With his first sack in 4 games Mario Williams helped propel Lenny to his first bag “W” of the season. The ineptitude of the Dolphins continues unabated. There is no tackle they can’t miss, nor play they can’t let up on. They are almost perfectly awful. Almost…This game produced visions of a bag write-up for young Herr Leonard. Alas, all of those bong hits were in vain.

Cleveland Browns 24 vs. Oakland Raiders 21 ***BAG GAME***
Oakland however IS perfectly awful! Leading the game by 18 in the 3rd quarter, Leonard was beginning to compose his manifesto to Bagdom. Then the wheels came off, 21-10. Then the chassis ground to a halt, 21-17. Finally, with 1:40 left in the 4th quarter, Joe Jurevicius caught a 5 yard pass from Charlie Frye, ran through the end zone and set fire to the black hole. Grown men in black and silver face pained melted to the ground like candles and Lenny’s dream was snuffed out yet again. I’m tellin’ ya…ritualistic burning of the Gallery jersey is the only way to break the curse. I’m guessing Lenny is trying to think of a place to set a fire right now without going to prison for arson. 21 unanswered points can do this to a man.