by Joe-Joe

I have to say my call up to the big leagues was a long time in the making. Day after day I’d wake up, check to make sure I actually closed the door to my apartment before passing out the night before, and ask myself, “Did I exhibit enough stupidity last night? Did I do or say anything that could possibly be used as ammunition against me later in life? Did I end the night by leading a chorus of “Artie Mueller” while performing the one-legged Jim Carrey dance?”

You bet I did. Lost cell phones. Trips to the Emergency Room. Confrontations with my nemesis (the “blind” accordion player on the N train). Endless forgotten calls on my Outgoing Calls log. And countless disappearing acts. So me appearing in the Garbage Bag bet is a bit like a bearded woman with a hand growing out of her neck getting a call from the freak show manager of the county fair circuit: you knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.

The price of admission wasn’t bad; I simply had to wear Wonder bread bags on my feet, which were then duct-taped to my calves for the duration of last year’s garbage bag bet bar crawl payoff. I caught a lot of flack for using Wonder Light Wheat, but whatever. Only 40 calories per slice homey!!! Fortunately at the end of the evening the damage was minimal and there was no need for me to make an investment in anti-fungal spray. (Keep that in mind should you ever lose a bet and forced to wear bread bags on your hands and/or feet. Go for the light wheat.)

Unfortunately, I missed the 1:00 games as I was driving back from watching the Syracuse Orange[men] (yes, the first order of business of our new Chancellor was to emasculate our mascot) break my heart 7 times in a row from the two-yard line in the 2nd overtime. 11 consecutive losses…amazingly, they still have 20+ active players in the NFL. But if you see me and I’m “ex-specially” sullen, just give me a beer and tell me it could be worse…I could have been a GATOR!!! (Although I’m fairly certain at least their mascot won’t be gelded. Sheesh!!!)

In any event, much like my bowels after my morning coffee, I am loose and ready to go. Three of us ended up 1-1 after the first week, but much to my delight, I won the write-up by virtue of scoring the most points.

Joe-Joe (1-1, PF 51, PA 44, TD 6)

Philadelphia 24, Houston 10 ***Bag Game***

Philly was a no-brainer first overall pick in the GB2K6 draft – and that was before they landed Dante Stallworth (who, I can imagine, calls his old New Orleans teammates and promises he will “be back to visit real soon” as he squirts lighter fluid on all of his moldy possessions, sets them on fire, and waits for a Phoenix to arise from their ashes.) That Phoenix my friends, is Donovan McNabb’s arm. Only time will tell if he is the Eagle’s aspirin for their Terrell Owens’ headache. An early NFC East matchup next week vs. the New York Football Giants will be a good litmus test for the Eagles.

San Francisco 27, Arizona 34

Who wanted San Francisco? Certainly not me. They weren’t even drafted per se, they fell into my lap as the last available team…the consensus “worst of the worst”. Ah, but not so fast my 1849 gold rush haters! Could there still be gold in ‘dem dar’ hills? Their offense put up some respectable numbers (albeit against a non-existent defense). But the important thing is – and I hope the ‘49ers are reading this (at least maybe a third string offensive lineman, or maybe the backup kickoff tee retriever) – that the Niners matter. They hold the key to keeping me out of the plastic. A tough matchup next week against a Rams squad that will be anxious to get into the endzone, but putting 27 points on the scoreboard is a good sign.

Shanaynay (1-1, PF 33, PA 33, TD 3)

New Orleans 19, Cleveland 14 ***Bag Game***

Ah, married for only two months yet here we catch Fitzy playing with himself already. The optimist says he was guaranteed a win. The pessimist says he was guaranteed a loss. The engineer says Newtonian conservation of energy could only have been achieved if the two teams played to a tie. And the sports fan…he says he was guaranteed a yawn. Would it have mattered to anyone had the score been reversed? I doubt the players themselves even care who won this game. Game Stat: Ruben Droughns 11 carries, 27 yards. I’m pretty sure on a good day the average mattress delivery guy could put up those kinds of numbers. Both teams will be competing in big games next week: Cleveland will be traveling down what I’m sure is a depressing highway to play a well-rounded Bengals team, while the Saints will come marching into Lambeau field with visions of starting the year 2-0.

Randal-El (1-1, PF 23, PA 42, TD 3)

Chicago 26, Green Bay 0
Oh how the mighty have fallen. At this stage in his life, Brett Farve should own every car dealership north and west of Milwaukee ala John Elway. Or cake on the orange make-up and sit behind an NFL anchor desk like Dan Marino. At the very least, he should consider running a couple high-end car washes like Lenny Dykstra and Charles Oakley. But no…not this cheese head. He’s going out about as gracefully as Joe Theismann, only instead of one incredibly gruesome play, he’s drawing it out over several painful seasons. I almost can’t bear to watch. His jersey has had a great shelf life, but much like a Von Dutch trucker hat, I’m guessing right about now their owners would be willing to trade it for a bottle of Miller Light and a punch in the face. Welcome to the Bag Bet, Packers, I hope you enjoy the wonder bread bags tied around your feet. Farve should have more success when they host the Saints in another bag game next week, but a win is far from guaranteed. I predict the Packers will be sniffing around in the free agent market for a QB in the near future.

NY Jets 23, Tennessee 16
I listened to this game on the radio and the thing that struck me most was the canned excitement of the play-by-play guy, Bob Wischusen. He would call a first quarter holding penalty as if it was Buster Douglas knocking Tyson down to the canvas for the first time. The Jets pulled out a 'W' on the strength of a rebuilt Pennington, despite the best attempts of their kicker to throw the game with his squirrelly leg. They won’t be able to survive such futility if they expect to continue their success next week versus the Pats, and must surely hope that Pennington can once again channel the bionic powers of Steve Austin.

L-Drinky (0-2, PF 10, PA 51 TD 1)

San Diego 27, Oakland 0
Wow. Wow. I’m not sure I know exactly what a conniption fit is, but I’m pretty sure I almost had one last night after Ladanian Tomlinson ran all over the Raiders in the first half, seriously jeopardizing the 16 point lead I had over the Ambulance Chasers in the ICWT fantasy football league. Even the commentators – whose job it is to keep the viewing audience tuned into the game - were saying how awful they were. I couldn’t imagine NWA wearing Raiders hat these days…right about now that would be as gangsta as wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Eazy-E must be rolling over in his grave. (Now that I think of it, someone should remind me to visit that next time I’m in LA-LA land.) Oakland did manage to turn off LT’s turbo button in the second half, but they put up a bagel in the points column nonetheless. Oooh, black jerseys, I’m scared. I say they should wear lavender until further notice.

Philadelphia 24, Houston 10 ***Bag Game***
Houston managed to stay out of the bet last year for the first time in its history, but found themselves back in the Land of Misfit Toys for 2006. Things don’t look good for the Paul Stanley’s of the bovine logo world this year, and that doesn’t bode well for Herr Leonard. You have to ask yourself why a team that needed skill at every position would go with a defensive end with their first pick. Were they worried about the likes of Peyton “Lead Legs” Manning and Kerry “Where’s My Walker” Collins running rampant in the AFC South? They had 9 rushing touchdowns all of last year and yet they passed on Reggie Bush. Next week is a guaranteed tick in the loss column as they travel to Indianapolis; I’d give the Texans 17 and still take the Colts and their J.C. Penny catalog uniforms. One thing is for certain: Nobody wants a train with square wheels.

That’s it for this week kids! I'm sure I'll be writing more of these in the future...thanks for tuning in.