GB2K5

Ding Dong, it's Week 16

2005-12-30T04:57:16Z

Week 16
by Randie Swanberg

Bam bam bam bam bam da da da da da da da.

When we last spoke, I wasn't yet the official Overlord of 2005. Well now I am so hooray for me. Shawn's got until next summer to enjoy his reign. Then it all goes down the toilet.

]]> I promise to be a good Overlord. I promise to pick good bars that everyone will have fun at. I promise to make sure the bars are in walking distance. I promise to paint Lenny's face to the best of my ability. I promise to make Shawn drink a lot, so he will have to go home at midnight. I promise to knock the ball away from Colin, starting a series of pile ons at every bar we go to, probably landing us in jail by nine o'clock. I promise to make a good website for next year (with the galleries)! Most of all I promise not to pick the Raiders or Jets next year because I hate them both.

Oh another red flag! Now I have some company. Like Shawn said, everyone has two flags and he's in the bag, so the red flags are a bit of an equalizer for him. For those of you who missed it, Shawn clinched the bag in Week 15, congratulations Shawn, and set a new record for losses in a season. Ten was the record (shared by Colin and me) and no matter what happens this weekend he'll have no more than nine so again, congratulations go out to Shawn, nice work. Now now to be fair to Shawn, he made the same move we all would have made in taking the Raiders. Who knew they were going to suck so bad.

Just want to take a second and recognize the disaster that's going on in Tony Dungy's life. I usually have a pretty strong opinion about NFL players and coaches...I usually hate 'em or not. Well Coach Dungy was one of the few NFL personalities I respected. He seemed like a genuine no bullshit guy that I just liked. To hear about his son and to imagine what he and his family are going through is mind blowing to me. This kid was 6'7" and depressed. How can people not notice this? I bet the depressing part was living in Lutz, FL. I've been to Lutz, it's depressing. Now Coach Dungy is returning to work, two days after burying his 18 year old son. My deepest sympathies go out to the Dungy family and to all families who have lost someone this year.

If I go 2-0 this weekend I'll tie Shawn for most wins in a season (23). Even though two spots are decided, there's still a race. Lenny is trailing Colin by two games. Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just cut and paste what Lenny wrote in his last post:

• Miami has to beat New England, at "The Razor." The game means nothing for either team, but still.
• Cleveland has to lose to Baltimore at home (given the Shitstains' performance this weekend, I'd say this is likely)
• Tennessee has to beat Jacksonville in Jax (Jax has clinched a playoff berth, but...)
• Philadelphia has to beat Washington at the Linc
• Cleveland and Washington's total points must not be more than Miami and Tennessee's points + 35

Yeah dude, you're wicked fucked.

If I don't get a chance to speak to you all this year I want to thank you for tuning in. I had a great year of football which is something I feel I deserved. The Fish may finish above .500, I won the Overlord for the first time and I came in second in my fantasy league, losing in the superbowl to Dan by three points. Three points...three points like two Carson Palmer Interceptions or one Green Bay punt return for a TD or one Feely FG oh son of a bitch. Congratulations go out to Dan. After being heckled by everyone at the fantasy draft he must certainly feel vindicated. I hate you Dan.

Shawn (7-23, PF-488, PA-764, TDs-51)

San Francisco 24, St Louis 20
San Francisco moved into elite status last Sunday. By going to 3-12, they leave Houston as the sole 2 win team and join the Jets, Green Bay and New Orleans at 3 wins each. So there you go everyone, next years draft pool. This is really sad for the Rams 'cause two of the 49ers wins this year were against St Louis. They wouldn't have won shit if it weren't to two outstanding performances by their running backs. As a team they rushed for 217 yards. Rookie phenom sensation Alex Smith still hasn't thrown a TD in his NFL career. They'll look to quench this embarrassing statistic this weekend as they wrap up their season at home against the Houston Texans. I'm sure we'll all be watching this game, what with all the draft implications.

Denver 22, Oakland 3
Oakland continues to be the doormat of the AFC West. They are now 0-6 in their division. No more Tui? Come on Norv? You barely gave him a shot! I know a lot of Raiders fans who say no more Norv. Say it with me NO MORE NORV! NO MORE NORV! NO MORE NORV! This guy is a career offensive coordinator and has no business being the head coach. So shame on Al Davis for hiring him. If things couldn't get worse, the Giants, who deparately need a win with all these teams biting their ankles, come into to town to end this woeful season.

Randie (21-9, PF-523, PA-429, TDs-57)

Tampa Bay 27, Atlanta 24 (OT)
Late season divisional match-up with the playoffs on the line. G-d damn I love football. Michael Vick has a monkey and his name is BucsD. Once again he couldn't shake him off. However it was Atlanta's D that couldn't hold it down in the waning seconds of regulation, setting up some free football. Pretty sad sequence played out in OT with an opening kickoff fumble, blocked FG, muffed FG and then finally the game winner with :39 seconds left in OT. But hey this is why they play. I can't seem to make Tampa Bay out. They've been hot and cold since Greise went down with the knee. They get humiliated by NE one week and then score 27 on a really good D the next. This jekyll and hyde needs a win at home vs New Orleans to make the playoffs which they should get. Now perform like this...in the playoffs? They won't make it past the first round. However they finish, I'm proud of what they accomplished this year (for me). I spent some time in Tampa so I feel a special kinship with them. They weren't picked to finish past .500 and they're one win away from winning the division. On top of that, they have a really young offense that will only get better. Go Bucs!

Chicago 24, Green Bay 17
The Bears broke every offensive tendency against the Packers this past Christmas night. They kind of looked like an rich 18 year old kid taking his new Corvette out for a test drive. Except I can't really compare Grossman to a Corvette. He's more like a cross between a Fiat and a Pinto. Not a lot of power, kind of fun to drive but mostly a disaster waiting to happen. Not this week however as the vertical passing game came to Chicago. Grossman only connected on one long pass, but was regularly chucking it down here, keeping the threat alive. Now this is exactly what Chicago needs. Grossman comes back and does about the same statistical job as Orton. Not throwing it up a lot (23 attempts) but mostly opening things up for T Jones. All this coming together for a team that has already clinched the division and a first round bye and, oh yeah they desperately needed some offense to make it deep into the playoffs. They get to practice their offense against a very pissed off Minnesota team. The Vikes were eliminated last week but will go out kicking and screaming. Go Bears!

Lenny (12-18, PF-576, PA-672, TDs-63)

Miami 24, Tennessee 10
Ronnie Brown got the day off which was good news for Dol-fan Lenny. His old buddy Ricky busted out the six chamber bong load, then went out and ran for 172 yards and a score. The Fish will not go quietly into that good season. Hopefully this weekend they'll exact a little revenge for me by shoving Tom Brady's head up his own ass.

Unfortunately Miami's five in a row may not be enough to vault Lenny into the Jersey. I know how much you want to carry that pig. Maybe next year kid. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to put those gay blue flames on your face.

Colin (14-16, PF-540, PA-558, TDs-57)

Pittsburgh 41, Cleveland 0
Poor poor Browns fans. There always has to be a bitch slap du jour. It just seems Cleveland has been on the bitch side most of the year. The rookie Frye sufffered the worst getting bitchsacked 8 times. The Steelers were so bitch slap happy that they even bitch slapped a bitch ass fan as he was running onto the field. The Browns are just trying to save a little face now. A win vs Baltimore this week would tie them with the Ravens for third place in the division.

Washington 35, NY Giants 20
Moss had a monster day. I want that guy on my fantasy team next year. A buck-sixty with three scores for the former UM receiver. That puts him at 1400 yards for the year. For the Skins, it's the perfect time of year to go on a four game win streak. I thought the Giants were unstoppable but they are still the team that had four consecutive false start penalties a few weeks ago. I've watched many Giant's games this year and it's Eli that seems to be throwing it away for that offense. Plaxico did have that huge drop in the first quarter. Anyway my boy Clinton had himself a TD pass! It wasn't pretty but it gave that Cooley guy another TD! Cooley is a TE wearing #47 right? Why can't he wear a 80 number? The Skins are still fighting for a playoff spot and need a win at Philly.

Now go back and re-read the entire write up but this time pretend you are Eric Cartman.

See you next year sports fans.

Randie

"Only a miracle can save us."

2005-12-26T16:27:57Z

Save ME, that is. Washington's win over the Giants really made my quest for the Jersey an uphill climb. With two games to play, I'm two back. Here's what needs to happen in order for me to catch Colin for secnod place:

Miami has to beat New England, at "The Razor." The game means nothing for either team, but still.
Cleveland has to lose to Baltimore at home (given the Shitstains' performance this weekend, I'd say this is likely)
Tennessee has to beat Jacksonville in Jax (Jax has clinched a playoff berth, but...)
Philadelphia has to beat Washington at the Linc
Cleveland and Washington's total points must not be more than Miami and Tennessee's points + 35

In short, I'm fucked. Better start looking for baby blue face paint and some of those temporary tattoos. This is going to look pretty stupid on my face:

Shawn got a too-little-too-late win from San Fran, but he's still assured of the worst record in the history of the bag. Randie went 2-0 to take the week. Since Colin got his 6,275th red flag last week, Randie's write-up will need to be extra special - I'm sure he'll come through.

One week to go.........

Three.... it's the magic number

2005-12-19T15:32:05Z

Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Shawn has officially clinched the bag - er, um, congratulations!, and good luck with that! - so the only two spots still up for grabs are Jerseyboy and Faintpacer. Colin steamrolled into week 16 with a 2-0 record to nab this week's write-up. Shawn's Raiders (I'm through claiming them as my own) shit the bed again, giving up a field goal as time expired to Cleveland, while the Redskins manhandled Dallas. Congratulations, Captain V - you da man.

]]> Colin's magic number is three. Any combination of wins for him and losses for me equalling three will clinch the Jersey for him, and the dreaded baby-blue swords on the cheeks for me (the Dolphins' win this weekend ensures they cannot be my worst team). Since I'm playing with myself this weekend, I'm assured of at least one more win (and one more loss), so if Colin goes 2-0 again this week, he'll clinch. Otherwise, the final standings won't be set until it's all said and done in week 17.

It's worth noting that Shawn is also one loss away from clinching the worst ever record in the history of the bag. There should be some sort of "booby prize" for this. I'll give it some thought - comments?

Don't Call It A Comeback! It's Week 14

2005-12-15T01:36:44Z

By "Senior" Lenny "Herr" Herold

It seems like the draft was only yesterday... so much hope, so much excitement. Yet here we are, closing in on season's end, and I find myself striving towards one last ray of light, a single goal that remains attainable.

The Bag -- or specifically, fear of it -- is all I have left. Think about what I'm confessing to you, faithful reader. I'm telling you, our supporter through thick and thin, that my quest to avoid repeating as Pacefainter is more imporant to me than anything right now. Fantasy football? Over. "A Committment to Excellence"? At this point, I sure as hell hope not. "Dolfan Lenny"? Let's not get carried away.

]]> As I've previously stated in this space, the Raiders are dead to me. In case I wasn't sure how over the season was, I got to see the drunken car wreck that is Norv's Raiders up close and personal this weekend. It's entirely possible that the Raiders-Jets game Sunday at the Meadowlands was the most poorly executed football game by two teams in the history of the oblong ball. I'm not exaggerating here. Both teams appeared to be competing for nothing more or less than the right to draft Reggie Bush, and at least in this contest the Raiders were better. Marques "Tui" Tuiasosopo got the start, but it was more of the same - more interceptions, more non-looks at Randy Moss, more pathetic run-blocking. More Raiders! Woo Woo! It was as bad as it could have possibly been. I did what I usually do in these situations - I drank myself into a stupor. It wasn't enough to entirely dull the pain, but it helped.

It's obvious Shawn will be "Plastic Man" this year.... and I love it. He just does it so well! My focus is on overtaking "Captain Vernacular" C. Sharpzgerald, the man responsible for such pearls of wisdom as "Fuck Stick" and "Fagot (sic) Retard". It's impossible to compete with his top-notch writing skillz, but it will be a fierce battle for the jersey. Colin has the more favorable remaining schedule, but while my teams are surging (Yeah, I said it! Surging!), his teams are sliding like White Castles after a long night of boozing.

Speaking of surging..... what a week! I mean, HOLY SHIT - I am now within one game of Jersey status. I'm licking my chops at this point. Even with Colin's soft schedule, I believe I can will my band of shitstans, my listless group of skirtgerbils, the scourge of all NFL teams, to bond together and fight for the common good..... which in this case is me being the first to Carry the Rock in the inaugural GB2K5 Football For Life Shot-A-Thon!

IT IS MY DESTINY!!!

Randie (18-8-0, PF: 456, PA: 357, TD: 50)

Tampa Bay (9-4-0) 20, Carolina (9-4-0) 10
Although they have identical records, it seems like Carolina and Tampa Bay are two teams going in opposite directions. TB, with a rejuvenated Cadillac, is running the ball more and more effectively, thus taking the pressure off young Sims, and as always is playing solid defense. Meanwhile the kitties in teal have an aging, fragile backfield, a mediocre QB, only one real offensive star and a defense which is obviously tiring as the season wears on. Both of these teams have to play Atlanta and New Orleans to end the season, with Atlanta only one game out of first.

NEXT WEEK: at New England
This is an interesting matchup. It seems like New England had their division wrapped up in week 5, and if it weren't for the Dolphins (holy fuck, I really just typed that), they would be resting people. Tampa needs all the wins it can get though, so expect a tough, hard-nosed slapfest between two good, but not great teams.

Chicago (9-4-0) 9, Pittsburgh (8-5-0) 21
Jeezus, how fucking old is Jerome Bettis? This guy could be my dad (sorry Joe Bill), yet he's still out there scoring TDs and breaking the 100-yard mark. No matther how old he is, I certainly wouldn't want to take a lick from him (uh, huh huh huh, I said lick). It seems like games like this, where the field is all shitty and muddy, are made for the Bus. Chicago's vaunted defense finally cracked, and Kyle Orton failed to win a game AGAIN. I know the dude just lost his first game as a starter, but for chrissakes put Grossman in! Seriously, Orton makes Chicago the Raiders with a good defense. No way they're making it deep into the playoffs with this jerkoff.

NEXT WEEK: Atlanta
This game is hugely important for both teams. Chicago has surprising Minnesota nipping at their heels, and the Falcons need a win to stay in the hunt for a division title. Will we see Rexie at QB for da Bearssss next week? Come on Lovie, do the right thing.

Colin (11-15-0, PF: 461, PA: 483, TD: 47)

Cleveland (4-9-0) 20, Cincinnati (10-3-0) 23
Oh wow, talk about giving Colin a nice big shitburger to eat! Carson Palmer was awful, yet the Shitstains couldn't keep it together and pull out a victory (uh, huh huh huh, I said pull out). For the second consecutive year, the Brownies are doing to Colin what one dog always does to the other in every sketch Randie's ever drawn - bending him over and anally raping him. Charlie Frye looks halfway decent, so there's always that to cling to when Colin drafts Cleveland for the third consecutive year (you heard it here first), but on Sunday it was all Rudi. Homey got 30 carries, and ended up with a buck-69 rushing.... yikes. The Bengals are good. Last time they had double-digit wins they went to the Super Bowl.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME ***** at Oakland
NOW we're talking! This edition of the Futility Bowl should be only slightly more entertaining than Sunday's fiasco at Giants Stadium. Two aging QBs giving way to two younger guys, yet all four suck. Neither team plays any defense and both have underachieving former coordinators as head coaches. The best thing about this game is that someone has to lose. I'm planning on temporarily lifting my ban on rooting for the Raiders. Come on F. Shawn, will those misfits to victory!

Washington (7-6-0) 17, Arizona (4-9-0) 13
Arizona's been pretty disappointing so far under Denny. I thought they'd be better by now. I mean, they have a pretty decent offense, even if their QB is old and looks just like his wife. Still, they should have won. Stupid Clinton Portis had a big third quarter as the Injuns overcame three first-half picks by Mark Brunell. There's no chance the Gibbies will make the playoffs (well, almost no chance), but I still need them to lose and lose often if I'm to catch Colin. By the way, you gotta love Rackers - any time a kicker gets into a fight with a linebacker, that's my kind of kicker. If you get your ass kicked by a guy wearing the uni-bar, you should get cut the next day!

NEXT WEEK: Dallas
How 'bout them Cowboys! This is actually a pretty even matchup. As a whole, it will probably be more interesting to the bag participants from a Fantasy perspective, as the "In Cans We Trust" playoffs start this week. I'll be drinking - heavily - and only paying attention in between shots of Jameson, since I found a way to come in last place in a 6-team league. Marcia and I are fired.

Lenny (10-16-0, PF: 494, PA: 590, TD: 53)

Houston (1-12-0) 10, Tennessee (4-9-0) 13
Oh yeah! Whenever a struggling team needs a win, there's Houston, ready with a nice cordial and an after-dinner mint to freshen them up. Still, as bad as Houston is, the anything-but-Titan Tennesseeans barely squeaked out a victory. The end of this game was just ridiculous. Tennessee kicks the go-ahead field goal with 10 seconds left. Game over, right? Wrong! Jeff "Porn Stache" Fisher calls for a squib kick to keep the ball out of Jerome Mathis' hands, but the morons in baby blue allow them to set up a return and pitch it to Mathis anyway. Mathis takes off and almost scores - Reynaldo Hill only prevents the winning touchdown by yanking Mathis' facemask on the sideline. The game can't end on a defensive penalty, so Houston's set up for the winning field goal on the 13 with zeros on the clock... but Houston's kicker shanks the 31-yard field goal, even though Porn Stache is trying to call a time out the entire time. Un-fuckin'-believable! Who taught this guy how to coach, Walter Matthau? Whatever, I'll take what I can get.

NEXT WEEK: Seattle
YIKES. Tennessee couldn't beat Seattle if Shaun Alexander was on their team. This is probably my last write-up for the year, because Tennessee could easily lose out. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Miami (6-7-0) 23, San Diego (8-5-0) 21
Oh SNAP! How on G-d's green earth did the Dolphins pull this out of their asses? This win smells like my bathroom after my morning piss. Definitely not fit for human occupancy. Somehow Schotty's troops figured out how to lose a game they NEEDED to win, to a team with highly inferior talent, at home. Chris Chambers went absolutely ape-shit AGAIN! In the Fish's last three games - all wins - CC has 29 catches for ** 460 yards ** and 3 TDs. The man's a menace! Like Judge Smails, the Bolts are a tremendous slouch. They don't deserve to make the playoffs. As for Zee Poisonous Fish......... Just Win Baby!

NEXT WEEK: NY Jets
Is it possible? Could it be? Can Ze Fish win four straight?! At home against the lowly Jets, I sure as hell think so. Miami has a chance to finish the season over .500, and this should put them (and me) one step closer to redemption. I'd say it's also a safe bet that if I *do* have to face paint, it won't be for the hated Dolphins.... PHEW. Randie's just going to have to figure out how to paint that gay-ass sword, I guess.

Shawn (6-20-0, PF: 445, PA: 703, TD: 47)

Oakland (4-9-0) 10, NY Jets (3-10-0) 26
Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for... my rant about this game. Where to begin? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad Dave embraced his role as Tailgate Nazi and made me be at his apartment by 9am... otherwise there's no way I would have been drunk enough by the time the Raiders made a mockery of the first quarter. The funny thing is, as bad as the Raiders were, the Jets were almost as awful. They acted like the endzone was infested with the cooties. Circle circle dot dot, now we kick another field goal. I wasn't sure how this game would play out - both teams are just awful, but with only two wins the Jets had more to lose for - they were still in the hunt for the top draft pick (which management has reportedly said they'd trade away, because they don't want to tie up all that money for one player, Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart notwithstanding. What a bunch of maroons! How could anyone root for this team?!). Still, the Jets are so fucking terrible that they couldn't even lose right. By the third quarter, I had sprawled out and was throwing back beers like I'd been stranded in a desert for a week (I'd say there were less than 20,000 "fans" in the stands at kickoff, and by halftime there might have been half that.... as usual for a Jet game). There were a couple of like-minded Raider fans behind me, and we had a blast making fun of the circus antics going on in front of us. Even the Jet fans joined in - the irony wasn't lost on anyone. This was the type of game that makes you want to quit watching football forever.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME **** Cleveland
Could the Raiders possibly lose two games in a row to two of the shittiest teams in the league? Don't answer that.

San Francisco (2-11-0) 3, Seattle (11-2-0) 41
Ding ding ding!!! It's the BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK!!! Smart money says Seattle's going to put up 40 on Tennessee next week too. This game was even more of a beat-down than the score indicates. Hasselbeck went 21/25 for 226 and 4 TDs in *three quarters*. F. Shawn is surely cursing himself for putting his faith in the Raiders... not only did he not get the wins he felt entitled to from the #1 pick, he also had to endure a full season of constant disappointment from San Fran. It doesn't get any easier for the Niners either. Fitzy has an excellent chance to break the all-time FWTBT record for futility. Only Houston's presence on the schedule affords F. Shawn even a glimmer of hope of getting another win. We've surely seen his talents as a writer for the last time this season. Fortuantely for us, F. Shawn is by far the most entertaining of all bag-wearers.... so his loss is our gain.

NEXT WEEK: at Jacksonville
EWWWWW. Talk about ugly. Jax could win this game with your mother playing QB.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of For Whom The Bag Tolls..... only three more weeks left!

It's Getting Tight........

2005-12-12T15:22:53Z

It was a busy weekend in the Bag. Team Herold, for obvious fear of the paint, is making a late season push. Lenny (10-16) went 2-0, getting the write up and moving one game behind Colin (11-15) with 3 weeks remaining...

]]> I went 1-1 as Chicago took a beating at Pittsburgh. That, combined with Colin's 1-1, makes me the official GB2K5 Overlord. Shawn went 0-2 and is in jeopardy of becoming the first person in the modern era of the bag to go from Overlord to Bag in on season.

Should be an interesting write up for Señor Herold as I've been giving him a lot of crap about his Raiders lately.

Three cheers for the new Overlord!

Let the new reign of terror begin!

WEEEEEEKKKK 13

2005-12-07T06:36:06Z

by Randie Swanberg

Or should I say WEAK 13? "Weak" as in the weak ass overlord competition this year. Oh sure the bag race is exciting, only 4 wins separate Jersey Boy from Bag Boy, but this makes it two years in a row that the top spot's been a runaway. Now I didn't do it like Shawn's fluke ass Supercharges last year, no my teams did it with hard nose old school Defense.

]]> Ok here I go and I haven't clinched anything yet. Now I'm sure you don't want me to drone on and on about how good my defenses are...I've already done that extensively. At 17 wins I've tied my total from all of last year. There are 8 more bag games so if I go 7-1 I'll break Shawns record from last year (23). It's a stretch. Poor Francis is in line to potentially break the low Win total. He's at 6 right now and the record is 10. Oakland's schedule is finally lightening up with games versus the Jets and Cleveland. San Fran has Houston in week 17 so he should get at least three more. Remember Shawn, records were made to be broken.
I went 2-0 so this is write up number six for me in this glorious garbage bag season. Yeah that's a personal best. I had two last year and three the year before. You wouldn't believe how happy I was that my bag teams played each other two weeks ago. I needed the break which is sad 'cause my last couple of write ups were pretty weak. There are only 4 weeks or 8 bag games left. Lenny and Colin went 1-1 this week and his Bagness Sir Shawn of Fitzgerald had another null set. Now Colin's up by two on Lenny who is up by two on Shawn. It's still anyones bag. Colin only needs 3 or 4 wins to wrap up the Jersey spot. Lenny's Fish have tough games at San Diego and at New England on Jan 1 where they never win but he does play with himself in week 16 so he'll get at least one more win. I know he wants the jersey but I don't think it will happen. What do you think America? Post a comment below and give me you GB2K5 predictions. Who will don the Jersey and carry the football? Who will be the paintfacer? For which team will he paint? I want to know what YOU think!

Awesome comeback by the Dolphins! This is the kind of thing that usually happens TO the Fish so it was refreshing to watch someone else be the dunce. Buffalo played cover 4 prevent the entire second half so I guess I should say something like thanks for being a jerkoff, jerkoff. There's been a lot of talk about the first and goal Buffalo had in the third where instead of running, they passed and got picked off. I didn't end there. The all knowing offensive coordinator kept calling passes in the second half. Now since the Dolphins won with :06 on the clock, one or two runs would have obviously used that time. So I say again thanks for being a jerkoff, jerkoff. This is a coaching loss. As much as I'd love to give the Fish all the credit, I can't.

Minnesota can realistically make the playoffs! Someone up there deserves a huge hand. I don't know if it's Tice or that weird named owner guy but they've cleaned up their act simply by winning games.

And now a few comment from my friend Seymore Baggage:

Yawn (6-18, PF 432, PA 636, TD 46)

San Diego 34, Oakland 10 - If there were a mercy rule in the NFL, I think both Oakland and San Francisco would qualify for it. You know, just forfeit the rest of their games. Well that won't work here at GB2K5 as you all know...these last few games are crucial. San Diego is one of the hottest teams in the league and they're not a lock for the playoffs. Sunday night they took out their frustration on the Raiders. The Gods of Raider Football are placing blame on Kerry Collins so Marques, hang on a second, Tuiasosopo, the loser ass Husky will apparently get the call on Sunday. Why not, the guy's been riding the pine for four fucking years now. This weekend should be a battle of ineptitude in New Jersey as the Raiders face the Jets at 1:00. It's very winnable for the Raiders so there's still hope for Shawn.

Arizona 17, San Francisco 10 - This is what makes the GB2K5 what it is today, giving a shit about a game like this. I mean honestly, 3-8 Arizona at 2-9 San Francisco? I don't know if you can call San Francisco's Team "Professional"? even the bonehead coach! What's even more embarrassing is this: Warner threw for 354, Boldin and Fitzgerald each had over 100 yards receiving and the team scored only 17 points? They ran 70 plays? San Fran had gave the ball away 4 times. Well the highlight was Boldin's 54 yard TD in the 4th. He took a five yard pass and okeydoked his way to the end zone. Tough times for the 49ers as they travel to Seattle this week. First round pick Alex Smith is still searching for his first career TD pass. I'm sure he'll do well.

Randie of the Redwoods (17-7, PF 427, PA 326, TD 48)

Chicago 19, Green Bay 7 - I was watching most of this game and all I really felt was enormous pity for Brett Favre. I know this guy is a warrior but Chicago was beating the literal crap out of him. He was bleeding and swollen and just had this look on his face like I'm getting too old for this shit. I've always liked Favre but I hate to say it but it may be time to hang it up. That guy's going to end up like Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty all crackly and shit. He's already hooked on the pain killers. Oh and isn't Nolte like 5'4"? Leave it to Hollywood to try and pass him off as an NFL wide receiver. It wasn't a pretty win, the Bears still don't have much offense to speak of. Orton has the worst passer rating of any starter, but he's not making the big mistake. And check this out, Chicago's defense gained almost as many yards (140) as its offense(188). Pretty or not, it was their 8th win in a row, their longest streak since '85. This week they go to Pittsburgh who are spinning out of control, dropping their last four and a tough divisional bitch slap from Cinncy last week.

Tampa Bay 10, New Orleans 3 - Ronde must have gotten absolutely sick of all the press Tiki's been getting this season so he took it out on Aaron Brooks by picking him off three times. Otherwise this was a complete borefest. I'm looking at the stat sheet and the only thing that jumps out is that each team only made it to the red zone once? Didn't Tampa score 30 on Atlanta a couple of weeks ago? I'm sure the Bucs don't care, a win is a win and this helps them get closer to a playoff spot. They roll into Cackalackie this weekend, trailing by one game for the division lead. With a win, the Bucs would take the lead with a better divisional record.

Dol-Fan Lenny (8-16, PF 458, PA 559, TD 50)

Miami 24, Buffalo 23 - Chambers blew up this game as the Fish FINALLY won a close one late in the game. This was the third time this season Miami had the ball late in the fourth down by less than a TD. The other two times resulted in Frerotte INTs but not this time, thanks to the really cool herb, Sage Rosenfels. This marked the largest comeback for ZFish since 1974 and Chambers' 238 yards was the highest total since 2002. Miami is still mathematically eligible for the playoffs, for the time being. Now this is really hard for me to admit, but I'm really rooting for them to lose. You see Chanukah is right around the corner and all I really want...all I really really want for Chanukah...is to see Lenny in Dolphin Teal and Orange next year. Yes that would make him Dol-Fan Lenny! UH what can be better. I spent the better part of my youth having to listen to this dumbass badmouth the Dolphins because he couldn't be a home town fan. No he had to be original and bandwagon himself on to a real "bad boy" team just to prove how cool he was. Yeah he was that guy. Well let me tell Dol-Fan Lenny, you better pray the Fish win out and Tennesse shits themselves 'cause you do not want me paint you up next year. I would consider it to be the equivalent of getting pissed on by FSU fans. Harsh. Either way Dol-Fan Lenny, I'm going to buy you this for the payoff:
http://www.thedolphinsmakemecry.com/store/tdmmc_shirt.html
I'm buying myself this:
http://www.thedolphinsmakemecry.com/store/ricky_williams_bong.html
Anyway the honeymoon is over for Miami :) 'cause they're going to San Diego this weekend.

Indianapolis 35, Tennessee 3 - Another day at the office for the Colts. Someone has to beat this team! I don't know if I can live with the greatest NFL record being broken by that ass ninja Peyton. Tennessee needs a new team. Their current "young team with a bright future" isn't working at all. Doesn't help when you go up against these fuknuts. Fisher's trying everything, he even went for it on fourth something like five very desperate times (1-5). In the end the Colts did pretty much whatever they wanted, scoring on the ground, through the air and a defensive TD. Peyton was 13 of 17 for 187 and 3 TDs. These are not the Titans of defense. Huge break for them this week as the lowly Texans travel to the Volunteer to have sex with your own sister state.

Colon (10-14, PF 424, PA 447, TD 43)

Jacksonville 20, Cleveland 14 - Huge come from behind win for the Jags. Uh when you're playing Cleveland and you have to come from behind is that really HUGE? Whatever dope Jax was smoking in the first half wore off by the third quarter. That or Del Rio scored some meth for the halftime festivities. Whichever, after giving up 243 yards in the first, the Jags D held the Browns to 55 yards in the second and sacked rookie QB Charlie the Frye Guy five times. If the Brown's season hasn't been shitty enough, they lost top receiver Braylon Edwards to a knee injury in the fourth. Cleveland goes to Cinncy this weekend. The Bengals are looking for that first round bye so they won't be resting anyone.

Washington 24, St. Louis 9 - Give the ball to Clinton dammit! You're on a three game losing streak and you're playing the 30th ranked run defense. Run the ball fucko's! Don't pass, run! Run every game! OK OK Portis is my fantasy RB so I was loving this return to the Hog days. Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Rock Cartwright rushed for over 100 yards as well. After the game, Rock and Dirk Diggler were seen leaving together in a gold '81 Corvette with T-Tops. The Skins travel to Arizona this week who just squeaked by the 49ers. Washington is hanging on to a sliver of playoff hope so they have to keep winning.

Hope to see you all next week when I hopefully clinch. I'll be preparing my inaugural speech this week while the rest of the gang here will be getting out their knee pads.

Peace out in da oh five.

White Hot Week 13 Action

2005-12-05T14:13:28Z

We're one week closer to garbage bag bliss! Randie cut the field up and smoked us like a blunt.... AGAIN..... going 2-0 and coming within inches of clinching the overlord spot. Chris Chambers willed me to a 1-1 record by scoring a TD with 6 seconds left, giving me a somewhat-commanding 2 game lead over Shawn in the race against bag hell. Colin also went 1-1 to remain firmly planted in the Jerseyboy spot.

I expect lots of gloating, giggling and finger-pointing from Randie in his write-up, due out Real Soon Now.

Ramblings and Musings on Week 12

2005-11-29T17:50:07Z

By Lenny Herold

As the curtain closes on November, the finish line is in sight for the NFL as well as for your faithful plastic-, face paint- and jersey-clad jesters. Only five weeks remain in what has been an often shocking and generally depressing season of personal strife and pain for me, and to be honest I'll be happy when it's over... but For Whom the Bag Tolls is still a long way from being decided.

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NEVER, EVER choose a team you hate as a bag team.

It was hard enough sitting at the bar in Gainesville, badly hung over and in serious need of a nap. The Gators had spanked F$U in basketball on Friday night, then football on Saturday, and I closed the bars both nights. I lost count of how many $4 pitchers I drank, and that sonofabitch Granat kept buying Jagermeister shots. Still, somehow I bucked up and dragged my ass out to cheer for my - well, Shawn's - Raiders. I dreaded this game because I knew Norv and co. could find creative ways to shit the bed.... and my worst fears were realized as they were bitch-slapped by the lowly aqua and orange anathema that is the Miami Dolphins. I was supposed to be happy because I went 2-0. In reality, I wanted to hurl my beer at the TV and run out of the bar screaming. Since that probably would have gotten me thrown in the clink (and I've been in the one in Gainesville, and it ain't pretty, and I don't plan to go back, ever), instead I turned to my old buddy John Jameson for comfort. Things went dark soon after that.

I must have eaten the brown acid before the draft. How the hell did I ever expect myself to feel good about this team winning? I've hated them ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper. The Dolphins are my albatross - a dead fish hanging around my neck like in that Maiden song.... "The Rime of The Ancient Bag Wearer." I plan to avoid this unpleasant turn of events at all costs in the future.

Picking a team that you hate has other potentially unpleasant repercussions. For instance, say I somehow manage to avoid wearing the bag. You'd think I'd be so happy I might do one of those embarassing little cabbage patch dances. But no... unless I can somehow pull of a miracle and finish as the Jersey Boy, I'll be faced with actually face painting for these dickholes. Face painting! For the Dolphins! Aqua face paint will haunt my dreams for the next five weeks.

(Back to my own personal Sunday hell... During the third qurter of the game, I told Biker Dave, who was sitting next to me at the time, that if the Raiders found a way to lose this game I would be rooting for them to lose ALL of their games for the remainder of the season. When the Dolphins and... Gus Motherfucking Frerotte!!!... beat you, you know your season is unsalvagable. The only good that can come of it would be for Norv, Kerry and the rest of this dysfunctional bunch of knuckleheads to be fired or released. My favorite team is now "Top 5 Draft Pick." The Raiders are currently dead to me.)

Pick teams that don't suck.

I know, I know, they all suck. What I mean is, I should have picked teams that were defensively strong (see TB and Chicago), rather than going for scoring potential (which I thought Tennessee and Miami would have). Here we all thought Oakland was going to throw up points like it was nobody's business, but when the fucking DOLPHINS can score 30 on you, you're not going to beat many teams, good offense or not (and yeah, I know, the Raiders offense stinks worse than Staten Island). Next season, I'll pick teams that can stay in games, if at all possible.

Keep a closer eye on strength of schedule.

This has to be the most underrated factor in choosing a bag team, at least by me. WTF was I thinking, taking a team that would be playing Jacksonville and Indianapolis twice? Wouldn't it have been better to take a team in a horrible division, like, say, Chicago? I won't make the same mistake again.

Random thoughts on Week 12

Philadelphia finally found a team it could beat without T.O. and McNabb. Can I just say "Fuck you T.O." one more time? Thanks for ruining my fantasy season, asshole. These guys are sure to be in the bet next year.
Mooch got fired. Then Dre Bly astutely pointed out that for a first-round draft pick, Joey Harrington really sucks. Congratulations Dre - you just made Lions practices fun again! Even better, Jeff Garcia publicly blamed it on Matt Millen. Everyone knew Millen was an awful GM, but once the players start calling you out in public... it seems pretty clear that he shouldn't have stopped at Mooch. He should have fired himself.
Indianapolis just keeps rolling. Edge is having a ridiculous year, but he's probably the third-best back in the conference. Can anyone beat these guys? They haven't trailed since week 6!!!
New Orleans won a complete suckfest against the Jizzettes Sunday night in a game that must have made the NFL scheduling peeps want to hide in a corner somewhere. Did ANYONE watch this game?
My guess is that Tiki and the rest of the Giants are still "Golden Shower"-ing Jay Feely right now.

State of the Bag Address

Going 2-0 was a small consolation this week. It had been four weeks since I'd won a bag game, or since I'd won a fantasy game in either of my leagues... I was starting to think I might never get another write-up. Now I feel like I have a realistic chance of possibly wearing the jersey.... and thus avoiding the dreaded face-painting or plastic-wrapping. This is probably ridiculously optimistic of me, but I really have little else to cling to.

Let's take a quick look at the standings:

Randie: 15-7
Colin:  9-13
Lenny:  7-15
Shawn:  6-16

Randie's magic number is five - any combination of wins by his teams or losses by Colin's equaling 5 would clinch the overlord spot. He could clinch as early as next weekend. The rest of the positions are up for grabs and could end up being decided during week 17. I'm guaranteed at least one more win (Miami and Tennesse match up in week 16, yay!), but beyond that only one bag game remains - Cleveland at Oakland in week 15, and boy does it promise to be big! I won't comment on how I think the standings will play out, but here's an at-a-glance look at the remaining schedules:

Chicago: Green Bay, at Pittsburgh, Atlanta, at Green Bay, at Minnesota
Tampa Bay: at New Orleans, at Carolina, at New England, Atlanta, New Orleans

Cleveland: Jacksonville, at Cincinnati, at Oakland, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Washington: at St. Louis, at Arizona, Dallas, N.Y. Giants, at Philadelphia

Miami: Buffalo, at San Diego, N.Y. Jets, Tennessee, at New England
Tennessee: at Indianapolis, Houston, Seattle, at Miami, at Jacksonville

Oakland: at San Diego, at N.Y. Jets, Cleveland, at Denver, N.Y. Giants
San Francisco: Arizona, at Seattle, at Jacksonville, at St. Louis, Houston

On to the baggage!

Randie (15-7-0, PF: 398, PA: 316, TD:45)

Chicago continues to roll, but Randie had to settle for 1-1 since he played with himself this week. Former Gator Alex Brown had a ridiculous day - he set up da Bearssss only TD with a forced fumble, had 4 passes defensed and 2 sacks. He was all over poor Lil' Simms, yet TB still had a chance to win it late before their kicker crapped all over the turf during a 29-yard field goal attempt with a little over 2 minutes left. I was sitting at the Florida-Florida State game this weekend and the guy standing next to me happened to be the starting QB for James Madison near DC. Though much of my memory of the game is clouded by a thick Jim Beam haze, at one point I remember him saying to me: "I hate kickers. They have one job to do, and they don't have to get hit. You've got to keep my away from the kicker after he misses." Indeed.

Colin (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD:38)

The Browns suck. (But even THEY beat the freakin' Dolphins. Grumble.) Sure, Minnesota is surging, but jeezus, this is Brad Johnson you're playing against. Stupid Nole. Tice's Love Boaters picked off three passes and forced a couple of fumbles - you just can't give that up and expect to win. Cleveland might have the most difficult schedule remaining of all bag teams...

...which leads us to the Foreskins. Their playoff hopes are slip slidin' away like so many turds in a toilet bowl after a long night of drinking. They stayed competitive with the Bolts despite another world-beating day from LT, who tied the game with a big run late in the fourth and then won it for SD on the second play of OT, sprinting 41 yards to paydirt and giving pudgies to gamblers everywhere who'd been crying in their beers just minutes before (the line was SD by 3.5). It's hard to believe this guy's not going to be the MVP. I mean jeezus, he's thrown for three TDs, and has 8 scores and almost 450 total yards in his last three games. Un-fucking-believable. Anyway, Washington is free-falling, having blown fourth quarter leads in the last three straight games. It won't get any easier as they go to St. Louis next week.

Lenny (7-15-0, PF:431, PA: 501, TD:47)

The Tennessee-San Francisco game was pretty entertaining, at least for three quarters. McNair blew up for 3 third quarter TDs and had his best game of the year. This was the kind of performance I expected more of when I drafted these guys, but then again San Francisco's defense couldn't start for Rutgers. The pathetic Niners gave up more than 300 yards passing for the fifth time in eleven games... absolutely miserable. Still, when they ran back a McNair pick to take the lead going into the half, I was definitely worried... shit, the Titans hadn't won in six weeks and I wasn't sure they ever would again. Surely Francis was quietly sobbing while watching both his bag teams plus the Patsies get humiliated on the same day. We know Shawn can do the Hefty proud from past payoffs, but I wouldn't mind seeing him cinching up the straps again.

Shawn (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD 38)

Shitzgerald and I are in a neck-and-neck battle for the ass end of the standings. Oakland was a bust of the sort that Buffalo was for Randie a couple of years ago, and the Bills put Randie in plastic that year almost single-handedly. Shawn, I feel your pain - watching Collins underthrow everyone and ignore Moss must be pretty frustrating. I'm sure you'll think twice before picking these underachievers next year. San Francisco's not much better... Dorsey looks like a deer in the headlights out there, and they're still making him throw the ball 40 times a game. All I can say is, don't take the first pick next year - it's a curse.

That's it for now - hope you all like the new blog format. The site is still in-progress, and we'd love to hear your comments. See you next write-up!

Week 11

2005-11-24T18:57:56Z

by Randie Swanberg

All I can say is HOLY CRAP! I already penciled in 0-2 for me this weekend but great holy crap on a stick my teams actually pulled it off. The Bucs have finally found some good offense with Simms Jr. and put up 30 spot on a really good Atlanta D in Hotlanta! Again I was sure Tampa would not get another win after Simm's first couple of starts.

]]> Must give these guys mad credit. They pulled off back to back road wins, scoring 30 or more in both games and taking the lead in the final 2 minutes. If that wasn't amazing enough, Da' Bears put a lickin' on Carolina IN Carolina. The Bears are starting to seem reminiscent of the Ravens team from a couple years ago...doin' it with D. They've allowed a league low 110 points this year. Can you say 8 count 'em 8 sacks on the day? Add 2 ints by that guy who ran back the missed FG for a TD last week, and you got yourselves a bitch slap. Steve Smith did have a huge day with 169 yards but ZERO TDs. As of now my two bag teams are #1 and #3 in total defense while Chicago leads the league in scoring defense allowing an average of 11 points a game and a measly 9 total TDs.

As the season winds down, here are the current standings:
Randie 14-6
Colin 9-11
Shawn 6-14
Lenny 5-15

I don't know what my magic number is. I'll have to ask F Shawn to plug in his abacus for me. I'm leading the league in PF - 375 and PA - 293. By comparison, Shawn's teams have combined to give up 519 points! How he isn't bag bound is beyond me. This weekend will be huge as BOTH Lenny's and Shawn's bag teams play each other. Fucking crazy right? The Fish travel to Oakland. Miami's on a little 3 game losing streak and may still be without QB sensation Gus Frerotte. Oakland should score at will here. God I'd love to be sitting with LDog this Sunday. Torn between his pride and his desire not to be sitting in his own ball sweat this summer. Tennessee hosts San Fran who are on 5 and 3 game losing streaks respectively. Lenny needs the sweep to get out of hefty peril while a FShawn sweep would crush all hopes. With a game in hand, a split is all Francis really needs.

The LT show rolls into DC this weekend so the Bolts should put a good licking on the Skins' 14th ranked run D. Cleveland's in a little trouble as Minnesota's on a three game winning streak. See what a little nautical punani will do for team morale!

Chicago travels to Tampa this weekend so I'm guaranteed a split ;(

Here's my picks for next year's bag lineup. Some are more obvious than others:

AFC East
NY Jets - I've already said my peace about this awful team. I just hope I don't get them. Herm's future is uncertain (thank god).

AFC North
Cleveland Browns - Baltimore should get a few more wins this year. This would make it back to back to back for the Browns and make them eligible for the GB Ring of Shame. Induction ceremony to be held at the Payoff 2006.

AFC South
Houston Texans - This one is pretty obvious. Welcome back! They had a huge letdown this year even though they have been showing signs of improvement.

AFC West
Oakland Raiders - As I expected, their schedule got the best of them this year. Couple that with playing in a really tough division and it's ba ba bag-age for the silver and black.

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles - They're only a game behind the Skins but no Donovan and games against Seattle, the Giants and Washington will make them the number one overall pick next year.

NFC North
Green Bay Packers - I think Murphy's Law anally raped the pack fans this year. They've had more runners than Pamplona. Farve's future is uncertain but don't they say that every year?

NFC South
New Orleans - Just the worst luck imaginable. Hard to give these guys too much shit. They lost their all pro running back early on and still don't know where they're playing next year.

NFC West
San Francisco - Just like the Browns, they're eligible for the Ring but not until 2007.

Have a Great Thanksgiving everyone.

Randie

Why I love week 10 / Why I suck at Write Ups

2005-11-22T15:15:31Z

by Randie Swwanberg

.....after further review, the call on the field stands. The 2 point conversion is good!
RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH as the crowd goes wild. Gruden has balls the size of casaba melons. That's two weeks in a row a coach has had the nuts to allow his team to get themselves a win in the final seconds. Now after further review, I didn't think Alstott made it but WHATEVER MAN! Grrr I'm loving my bag teams. Every dog has his day and after three years my picks have finally paid off. I distinctly remember at last season's payoff a collective hint of elation echoing out of my fellow bag-mates after I selected Tampa Bay with my first pick. Colin says to me, "why the hell did you take Tampa?" and I was like, "uh, I think Tennessee is going to really suck." Well, my bag team is better than your bag team, my bag team is better than your bag team, nah nah nah nah nah suck it!

]]> In fact I was just commenting to Shawn the other night, over 162 beers at McSorley's, how Colin's bag teams have been beating up on the rest of us all year. The Skins beat the 49ers and Chicago and the Browns beat Chicago and Tennessee. So yes, before this weekend he was 4-0 in bag matchups. Super sweet revenge and many thanks to Chucky. Now I usually don't care about whether the Redskins win or lose but this was especially sweet as they are Colin's (2nd most bag wins) as well as Wendler's favorite team (I was playing Joe Joe in FF this weekend). In the end I got great points from Galloway and Portis and the Bucs won the game. In my other bag game, the Bears beat the 49ers and set a new NFL record with a 108 yard missed FG return for a TD. Once again it's double sweet as Bang Bang are my fantasy defense and that's 6 points. That makes it 2-0 and a weekend bag sweep! I think that should count for something don't you? If I do end up winning this thing I'll steal a page out of asshole and call out a presidential salute for my minions.
Speaking of minions, I can't remember who I was talking to because I was probably drunk, but the idea of creating a garbage bag farm team was being thrown around. Just like baseball, whoever gets the bag gets sent down and the winner of the minor league gets called up, and a consequential shot at being the overlord. Who's in? I know Barry wants some. Hey Barry! You're way cooler than your brother.

As far as the rest of the weekend goes, my two wins pushed me (12-6) ahead of Colin (8-10) by 4 games. Lenny (5-13) took a hit and him and Shawn (5-13) are now tied in the cinch.

OK so I wrote all of that last sunday night and was unable to perform my GB responsibilities as didn't get this submitted in time. I guess I need to ease up on my dissin' of Colin or I'll be sitting in a puddle of peanut butter funk right next to him. My apologies to my bag mates and all you bag lovers out there.

Look for the full week 11 write up coming soon.

Randie

Week 9

2005-11-09T03:05:39Z

by Colin Fitzgerald

Week 9 belonged to me. Although I did get a half assed write up in earlier in the year, this is my first true victory. Let me take this opportunity to bring everyone up to speed on life in Connecticut. Pretty much it is the same as everywhere else with the exception of professional sports, unless you count the WNBA. But technically that team’s home turf is on the Pequot reservation, so they aren’t technically part of the state. Speaking of which, why are we not afraid of the former Indians of this northern continent. These folks are pulling in billions of dollars in revenue while quietly paying their taxes. Fuck bin Laden, I am waiting for a fucking nuclear arrow head from Chief Patient-Justice.

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My kids are so into Napoleon Dynamite that I keep looking outside for a Llama. The have Ligers on the brain, and are interested in become skilled with the Bo Staff. My dog has fleas. I have the smallest most pathetic little brindle Chihuahua in the word. I would think that the fleas have to jump off of her to have enough room to turn around. Yet the live, in her fury exterior, they thrive. I have washed her with flea and tick shampoo no less than three times this week. I give up. Fleas are all over the place, I want to execute my dog. Behead her and post it on a pet site to teach all other dogs that getting fleas is not acceptable. Also, I got a sweet boat.

On the course for the bag, we use our football shaped sexton, check the North Star and make our half journey adjustments. Keep your eyes open for what I will call: The Captain’s Blog… coming soon from a Lenny near you. Can’t wait… be sure to sign up when the announcement is sent out.

Colin: 8-8

Washington (5-3) 17 vs. Philadelphia (4-4) 10 WIN

The Redskins and Chief Gibbs clipped the wings of the Eagles and sent them walking back to the Liberty Bell on there swollen talons. The whole T.O. crap is just the icing on a cake of non-performance. The Eagles are just missing something. I have a feeling that behind McNabb’s wholesome exterior, that he is an arrogant ass. He can go eat the chunky soup from T.O.’s ass crack. And thank you for taking the lead role in the line of next years bag contenders. That’s right; last place in the NFC east. As a Skins fan, I may be jaded, but I think this team has to underdog capability to peak at just the right time in the season. The possibility of Shawn and Lenny stepping on my loin cloth is becoming less and less. But I won’t count my scalps until we make it through the plains of the middle season. The leaves have fallen and it smells like football. Next week we go for a bag win against Randie’s number one, Tampa Bay. We will make Gruden wear the Indian underwear, the kind that sneaks up and wipes you out!!!

Cleveland 20 (3-5) 20 vs. Tennessee (2-7) 14 WIN

Cleveland has added three valuable wins on my board. I don’t know how they happen but they do. I honestly don’t now much, other than any week can produce any result. This week was a sweet victory against Lenny’s lackluster Titans. It doesn’t take Zeus to knock these elemental powers back to Tennessee. Lenny, my team sucks, but your team really f’ing sucks. Good luck with that. The browns go the Pittsburg to get lathered in Heinz 57 sauce. I don’t see much in the way of hope, but you never know. Both of the Steeler’s losses have come at home. Ben Uselessburger is like a retard with broken legs who doesn’t know to stop walking. Anyone with a sibling or other emotional attachment to a sufferer for mental disabilities, please don’t take offense. Part of living in NE is using the word retard, it no longer has an association with any disease. For instance, the other part of living in NE is using the work Fag, which no longer has an association with sexuality. Like this, “Hey Shaw!?”

“Yeah!” replies Shawn

“You’re a fucking fagot retard.”

“Oh.” Shawn mumbles as he hangs his head. The oxygen from Shawn’s slowly inhaled breath has been robbed away; life seems to way heavy on his shoulders as his conscience absorbs his co-workers comments. But Shawn knows that Tim was right, he is a fagot retard. On the flip side, Tim thinks nothing of returning home to his gay lover, Corky.

Rolin: 10-5

Chicago (5-3) 20 vs. New Orleans (2-7) 17 WIN

Clock management and a whole lot of luck, and Muhsin Muhammad, gave the Bears the upper hand with a last second field goal to avoid overtime. I know that Bears attack and can be vicious and all, but the hibernate. Football is played in the winter; who the… what? Not a big win here. I understand that the hurricane hit… but that knuckleheads are rich. Katrina impacted them like a bout of bad gas after a night on the town. The Saints suck, the will suck for a long time. As for the Bears, despite their curious name, they have done Randie well. I hope they start to lose a lot.

Tampa Bay (Gay) 14 vs. Carolina (6-2) 34 LOSS

I hate Tampa Bay and their coach… what a loser. This game was commonly referred to as‘Domination’ by the Panthers. I think they are starting some homeless guy at QB this weekend… good thing the league doesn’t test for Ripple. Jesus Christ almighty. JG is a moron, and his face need to be cut off. But I will take it because the Skins have a good chance to shut down what is commonly referred as (but can’t quit be in the Bay) offense in Tampa. I don’t sense too many firings of the canon this weekend.

Sholin 5-11

San Francisco (2-6) 6 vs. New York Giants (6-2) 24 LOSS

Now here we enter the land of the hopeless. Shawn joins Lenny in picking 2 of the 4 worst teams in all history. I am waiting for mini Manning to get hit so hard that he forgets that his brother is fucking Kenny Chesney; but this has yet to happen. This bag season must not be fun for Shawnny this year, his only hope is to not wear the bag. San Francisco is so bad that you can’t even really comment. Shawn and Len are virtually tied for the cinch sack, and it looks as though it will be a race to the finish. San Francis will go the Chicago, get stuffed into deep pans and delivered back to the bay area in defeat.

Oakland (3-5) 23 vs. Kansas City (5-3) 27 LOSS

Don’t believe the hype. Flavor Flav wouldn’t even have picked Oakland with the number one overall draft pick. But they were expected to do great things. They don’t do it though, week after week. It’s at the point now where even a win feels like a let down. Shawn is probably watching Lenny’s teams more that his own, hoping for losses of his bag-mates rather than hoping for wins for himself. Denver comes down from the mountain this weekend. They will deliver a blizzard of touch downs and rushing yards. The Raiders will spend hours after the game looking for their owner’s strange looking sun glasses under the stadium seats. Looks like another 2 and 0 for F. Shizzle.

Lolin 5-12

Tennessee (2-7) 14 vs. Cleveland 20 (3-5) 20 LOSS

Le Titans. This group has to stop taking the free tours at the Jack Daniel’s facility on Saturdays. Or something, the routine has to change. The Tennessee Titans are performing as well as Shawn Juan’s Francis co. And that is ok by me. My browns needed the boost and the Titans delivered, Milk Bones for everybody. This weekend Tennessee has off, not that they deserve it, but they do. Perhaps this will give them time to scout the nations high schools before the but Thanksgiving games. The ethnically ambiguous McNair claims that they are learning from losing. Well, he is going to be a fucking doctor by the end of the season, because shit isn’t going to get better for these assholes. Keep losing guys, thanks.

Miami (3-5) 10 vs. Atlanta (6-2) 17 LOSS

Even the coach says they don’t look so good. When the ball is not being run, that don’t look so good. I am surprised at the lack of hubbub around Ricky. He most be damaged from all that crap. He was never a loud guy, but man… one interview on 60 minutes and it is back to work. Miami is actually convincing themselves that they can beat the Patriots this weekend. Well, good luck with that, guys. Even with the Pats getting spanked a few times this season, Miami won’t get their hands on that ass. So keep wearing that aqua marine with that stupid frigging dolphin wearing a dumb ass college helmet with an orange fucking M on the side and keep losing you bong hitting losers. Lenny and Shaw are toast.

That is it for now. Shawn is going to try to get me to wear a jock strap with peanut butter smeared in it. This seems extreme given that it seems potentially worse that wearing the garbage bag it self. We will see what happens.

Take care, and keep an eye out for that blog. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

Deep Thoughts on Week 8

2005-11-02T03:02:53Z

By: Shawn Fitzgerald

Yes, much like MJ, I only need to say 2 words:

"I'm back."

But it may not be for long. Oakland and San Fran are just too problematic to expect my ascension to continue to the overlord position. I am holding out hope that I can escape the bag. We will see my friends, we will see.

]]> A miserable performance this weekend by Farve. He threw 5 INTs and is therefore the recipient of the Joe-Joe Wendler "What is your hand doing in my pocket?!" award. Farve lost a bit more of his luster this game as his skills continue to erode.

Dante Culpepper thankfully ended his season this week by shredding his knee (tearing his ACL, MCL, and PCL). After his poor start and the debacle on the SS Whore-a-lot, it was just time to be over. Kind of like sitting through the final ten minutes of a movie that's conflict has been resolved and is inexplicably continuing. Ahoy, young Culpepper! It be back to the high seas with you!

It was an emotional return for Tedy Bruschi this week in NE. The Patriots faithful are counting on him to patch up and lead an absolutely miserable defense. They were still porous, but Tedy was in on more than 80% of the defensive plays and also saw some special teams action. Is there an athlete with a more perfect last name? I don't think so. There would have to be a NASCAR driver named Steve Chugalap or Rick Getdrunkandturnleft to better him. To top it off he's a great player. What more can you ask for. Welcome back Tedy. McMassive game against the Colts next Monday. If the defense can make Peyton do his two-hands-palms-to-the-sky-head-flopping-forward-in-frustration-move, I will be very pleased. Very pleased.

On to the games!

Randie: 9-5, PF: 245, PA: 168, TDs: 28

Chicago (4-3) 19 vs. Detroit Lions (3-4) 13
After Joey Harrington's exile, Jeff Garcia was trying to save the season. He succeeded in giving this game away with his overtime interception that was returned for a TD. More bad news came in the form of a leg injury. Joey Harrington is slated as the starter this coming weekend. Not good for Lions fans. I don't care how good he is at the piano, how smooth he is on camera, or how good he looks on a billboard in Herold Square. The kid can't play quarterback in the NFL. Much like the career of Steve Guttenberg, he will probably pick up elsewhere and inexplicably get another chance. The Lions fans have now lived through Police Academy's 1-3. I don't think they want to see the rest of the series. Somehow Kyle Orton has Chicago in the driver's seat for the NFC North.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10 vs. San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15
This was Chris Simms big chance to come off the bench and show everyone that he was not just "Phil Simms' kid". He managed to throw for 264 yards and a TD, but failed to beat the lowly 49ers. I'm sure he walked into this game thinking he was going to clean house on the 3rd string QB from SF, but he was the one who failed. His performance was much like my GI Joe "Storm Shadow" Ninja costume of the mid 80s. I was beyond fired up about GI Joe at this point and was nearing complete obsession with this ninja. I convinced myself that I could make a cool costume and not have to buy anything. I made a "throwing star" out of Popsicle sticks and toothpicks. I wrapped my head in bandages so that I could get the "layered effect" that the GI Joe guy had. I wrapped my wrists too! Then I wore all white and tried to draw the "Cobra" insignia on the chest of my white turtle neck. I was peaking! This was going to be the best Halloween ever! Then I got strep throat. I told my Mom I was going anyway. She okay'd the deal and I was off! I went to the first house and the old lady asked me if I was a mummy. Then the second house asked if I was a hospital patient. Things got worse from here. I took to coming to the door in a karate stance with my bag out. This did no good either. All of my plans foiled by lack of ninja knowledge. I'm sure Chris Simms shared my agony this weekend.

Colin: 6-8, PF: 229, PA: 261, TDs: 24

Washington Redskins (4-3) 0 vs Giants (5-2) 36
This was the "beat down du jour". A lot was made of the passing of Wellington Mara. How he was such a "league guy" and he'd do anything for the NFL and the Giants. Well, give me a break. The dude was named "Wellington". I'm sure he counted money all day and took a break now and then to have some caviar. Everyone should really be thanking him for a reason to get cocked on Sunday and watch a sporting event. That is the end of his contribution to society. You have given men a reason to get blotto on the Sabbath, and it has become somehow socially acceptable. For this we are grateful, but enough with the reach arounds. Eli and Tiki destroyed the Skins defense and led the team to a 36-0 win. They were the kids in the neighbor hood that were packing eggs, tomatoes, shaving cream, and a fire extinguisher that they stole from under the sink. They destroyed every group of kids they came across and stole their candy. The Redskins went home empty handed, bruised, covered in egg, shaving cream, and chemical retardant. Bad times. On a personal note, I was the idiot who "tested" the fire extinguisher before we went out. Then when it came time to use it, all of the pressure had leaked out. So, I basically lugged this thing around for hours for nothing. Young and stupid.

Cleveland Browns (2-5) 16 vs. Houston Texans (1-6) 19
Trent Dilfer is the dentist in your neighborhood that hands out toothbrushes for Halloween. It's hard to hate him because after all he is a dentist, but toothbrushes are as low as a Halloween treat can go. My Dad gave them out one year when I was about 3, and I even knew it was lame and wrong then. For shame DAD! Dilfer was playing for his job this week, and it looks like Charlie Frye will be in next week. Dilfer didn't make any mistakes (0 INTs), but he just isn't an answer. When the head coach says things like: "I would like for our guys to catch the ball. I would like for us not to fumble. I would like for us to make the plays we need to make."You know the Browns are really "toothbrush handing out bad".

Lenny: 5-10, PF: 297, PA: 345, TDs: 31

Miami Dolphins (3-4) 21 vs. New Orleans Saints (2-6) 6
Nick Saban won in his return to Baton Rouge. The Saints are a lot like Randie was in his Zombie Sid Vicious costume. You look once and it is really creepy. You know something just isn't right. You want to stop looking but you can't. Much too scary and real. When he took the teeth out, it brought him back to normal a bit, but the make up was still creepy. Watching the Saints flounder this season is much the same. Your not 100% sure what is going on with them. They try really hard sometimes, then they just hang out on the field at other times. Meanwhile, Ricky Williams is getting himself back in playing shape. All late night taco trips have been suspended until further notice.

Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25 vs Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34
A bitter sweet game for Lenny. His beloved Raiders won, but they also kicked him down to even with me in the win column. I have a game in hand, which in baseball terms would put Lenny a ½ game back, and directly in the clutches of the much feared cinch sack. Lenny is dependent on McNair's broken back, Travis Henry staying off the pipe, and the no name receiving corps. The Titans have a bye next week to think about their future. Must be kind of like pondering whether to show up at your phone sex job or not. You don't really want to go, but you have to get paid, and their expecting you to show up. Lenny, might be time to put on the Raiders Jersey and just order some delivery weed. The Titans are not your friends.

Shawn: 5-9, PF: 273, PA: 380, TDs: 31

Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34 vs Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25
Norv Turner finally took the pumpkin off his head and realized that he could give the ball to Lamont Jordan 25+ times a game, he could carry the team. The fact that Randie Moss is banged up does not bode well. However, since Jordan is running through the opposing defenses like a 16 year old can run through the woods in a vampire costume with a 12-pack of Natty Light under his arm as the party gets broken up by the cops, I'd say things are looking up.

San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10
Everyone on Earth had TB winning this game. The 49ers succeeded in trading away their only "good" (I use that term loosely) QB to Tampa Bay, minutes before the trade deadline closed. So, when Alex Smith went down last week, they had to tap Ken Dorsey for the start, as they watched Tim Rattay sit on the opposite sidelines. I'm sure there were many "talks" with the personnel department. I have always had a weird "Doug Flutie-esque" belief in Dorsey for some inexplicable reason. Some guys just know how to win. Dorsey destroyed college football. He had a few mediocre to poor games with SF in the past years, but I felt he was due for a break out game. Well, that didn't happen. The 49ers won the game, but not due in any part to Ken's 7 for 18 and 40 yard passing performance before leaving with a leg injury, or his replacement Cody Pickett's 1 for 1 and 10 yards passing. Dismal. They won on 5 field goals. The 49ers were the kids in the neighborhood that roll up on the house with the big old apple basket piled with full sized bags of M&Ms and Milky Ways with a sign stuck in it that says "ONLY TAKE ONE OR ELSE!!!". They completely disregarded the warning and took all of the candy making their Halloween a roaring success. Tim Rattay's bag remained empty, as he sat on the sidelines yet again. Gnarly 49ers update: They just signed Jesse Palmer to be their 3rd QB. I'm sure all the bachelor fans out in SF are thrilled! "HeeeeeEYYYY JessssseeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!!!

After a wonderful Halloween weekend, I thought it would be a proper time to reflect on celebrations past. During my sophomore year, Halloween was on the Saturday of a home football game, which meant there would be an all day bender of tailgates, funnels, shot guns, and chugging. The perfect storm of costumed-beer-drinking-football-infused-fun. We usually dressed up for tailgates anyway. We had a decent dragon costume with a big huge foam tail that I wore a couple times. I had a gas station attendant's outfit with a "Smokey" name patch I got at Army/Navy (I'm guessing you can only find that in PA or the deep south). But, this weekend we had to pull out every thing we could think of. Obviously, there was nothing else to do but dress up as Kiss. I got to be Gene Simmons. Aanen was Peter Criss, Dilatush was Ace, and Scott Duncan was Paul. The weather conspired against us that day. It was pouring rain and about 48 degrees. We woke early and blasted "Destroyer" as we geared up (black wigs, face paint, black clothes) and had a few eye opener Black Labels. After getting dressed, we loaded up Aanen's girl-of-the-month's 4-Runner with the generator, speakers, stereo and as much Black Label as we could fit. After a short ride over the mountain we rolled up to the tailgate spot. Things were deserted. A usually rollicking crowd was non-existent on the wet and frigid morning. Then again we got there as soon as the police opened the field. So, many people were probably still asleep. We set up the party patrol gear and got "Destroyer" cranking out again. There were several group Kiss shotguns, then others started to arrive. Things began to get very hazy. I don't recall much more than running around in the rain drunk off my ass and doing my best to catch pneumonia. However, I do recall Ace's (Todd's) parents were there and witnessed much of the debauchery. As game time closed in on us, everyone started wandering into the game. The thing about Lehigh games was that none of the students went in, they just showed up to get tanked. So, as everyone was leaving and throwing their grills over, Ace (Todd) and I managed to jack a whole igloo cooler full of Budweiser. This was a veritable treasure chest considering we had been drinking Black Label, Meister Brau, Birds Brew, Schlitz, and Natty Bo all day. We quickly moved our find into the back of the 4-Runner. Behind the "liberated" cooler we hastily threw in the speakers, stereo and generator. There was no crap beer left…obviously. So, Peter (Aanen) wheeled us out of the field and back on the road. No one could drive, he just happened to have the keys. Before you could make the turn to go back over the mountain, you had to go past a police check point. The line of cars gets very long, because the cops look into each car quickly as you drive by. As we rolled up they looked in and saw four annihilated guys dressed up like Kiss hauling around a generator and a bunch of speakers. I guess they just didn't want to deal with us so they waved us through and we were on our way up the mountain. About half way up the car slowed down and sputtered. Peter (Aanen) announced that we were out of gas. In our haste to get to tailgates we forgot about gas for the truck. D'oh! Then Ace (Todd) screams out "I've got an idea!" He opens up the stolen cooler, grabs a beer and jumps out of the truck. The three of us stare at each other. Obviously having a beer would be great, but we just passed a DUI check point, so it probably isn't the best place for a party. We decide to get out to see what he's doing. We get to the back of the truck just in time to see him chugging the beer that he got out of the cooler. When he finishes, he throws the can on the ground and then opens the tailgate of the truck and rips out the generator. It comes crashing to the ground. While all of this is going on there is a steady stream of cars rolling by us. He then whips out a swiss army knife and cuts the top off the can he just chugged. Next he unscrews the gas cap on the generator and tips it over to pour the gas into the empty can. Ingenious!!!! So, we poured gas into the can, then poured the gas into the car. Keep in mind that all the people in the cars driving by us at about 7 miles per hour are only seeing 4 guys dressed up like Kiss hanging out by their truck and pouring beers into it. I like to think there was a whole generation of kids that we corrupted with that move. After the truck was gassed up we went back over the house and set up chairs in the shower. We sat around in there with all of the shower heads on drinking the stolen cooler of beer for the next hour and a half. During that time Todd's Dad came to the house to visit him and found him hanging out on a chair in the shower drinking stolen beers and yelling incoherently.

Happy Frat-tastic Halloween!

Week 7

2005-10-26T03:01:19Z

by Randie Swanberg

So many write ups, so little time. I want to start off this week's installment by properly ripping Vinny and the Jets. Vinny, you are horrible. And Herm, what the fuck goes on in that dense cranium of yours? I mean, how is this guy still the head coach? I can't recall anything intelligent every coming out of that moron's mouth. In fact, the only thing he's good at is saying dumb shit in press conferences. Oh here's one:

]]> "I'll tell you right now, I'm going to make some mistakes...I'm not a genius. There are only a couple of coaches in this league that are geniuses, and I'm not one." - Jets Coach Herman Edwards

No shit sherlock. There's only one player on the field that can single handedly give the game away, so why put your team's hope in a doddering neanderthal on Monday Night? Have you heard the new joke? Vinny tried to commit suicide after monday night's game, but he sucks so bad he couldn't even do that. He tried to put the gun to his head but fumbled it and shot himself in the foot. Tits! I don't know how Jet fans can tolerate this. Wasn't it this asshole who blew it for your team in the '98 AFC Championship game? It's not all Vinny's fault, however. Pennington has not played a full season in his entire career. Nice. I thought I hated these guys but now there's no end to the fury. For those of you not in the know...my FF team was playing Atlanta's D last Monday night. I was up by 14 to start the game and the impossible happened. Vinny not only shit the bed but kind of rolled around in it, smearing it on himself. Then he started to eat it, and that's when I turned the TV off. I need a classic Fitzgerald tension breaker...

Here it goes

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGG
GGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRR

Much better.

The good news this weekend was me going 1-0 and getting back to back write ups! That's right, back to back bitches. My Bears eeked one out over the Ravens, evening their mark at 3-3. Tampa had a by buy bye so I get in on a 1.000000000 winning percentage. Colin and Shawn went 1-1 while Sir Leonard of Herold had to sit and watch Zona shatter his hopes of a split.

What did we learn this weekend?

Lesson #1: Well the Bengals can't beat a team with a winning record. I thought for sure this would be Cinncy's day; I was way wrong. Pittsburgh played the daddy pimp once again and bitch slapped the Bengals on their own turf.

Lesson #2: You don't need positive yardage to score points! Miami had a scoring drive of minus -4 yards.

Lesson #3: Just because you score more points, it doesn't guarantee you a win. At 1-5, Green Bay has outscored it's opponents 144-118????

Lesson #4: LaVar Arrington really needs to be on the field. One week after watching from the sidelines, Arrington had a monster day vs (albeit the lowly) 49ers, leading the team in tackles. He also leads us into our next lesson...

Lesson #5: Don't trade your 2nd string quarterback just two weeks after you demoted him. Arrington clobbered Alex Smith last Sunday and since the all knowing front office traded Tim Rattay to Tampa Bay, the hopes of San Francisco's season lies with Ken "Good College Quarterback doesn't translate to good Pro Quarterback" Dorsey.

And now for the ba ba ba baggage:

Shawn

Buffalo (3-4-0) 17, Oakland (2-4-0) 38

Oakland finally got their heads out of their asses and fed the pig to LaMont Jordan all game long. Jordan had a fantasy dream game with 3 touchdowns and 122 yards. Oakland finally got to whoop dat ass as Buffalo was their first sub-elite opponent of the season. Apparently LaMont had a little chit chat with Norval during the week about his role in the offense or lack thereof. Well nice coaching Norval, I think you should let Moss call the offense next week. Wow and I just read this: Oakland scored more than 20 points for the first time this season. This is what we expected this season from the Raiders. Their small run versus sub standard teams continues this week when they travel to ***BAG MATCHUP*** Tennessee who just suffered an embarrasing loss at Arizona.

San Francisco (1-5-0) 17, Washington (4-2-0) 52

Bitch Slap du jour. Not much of a contest here. I've read stories about Colin's kids tag teaming Shawn's nuts but I didn't expect Colin to get in on the action. Brunell is en fuego! My boy Clinton had a huge breakout day. He had zero touchdowns going in but cartwheeled out with 3. So the skins break their little two game losing streak by thrashing the Niners, BFD. It's hard to applaud when you're going up against a team who threw for 54 yards passing...I don't care how good your defense is. Let's see how they do this week when they go to the Meadowlands. The Giants are hot I tell you.

Randie

Tampa Bay (5-1-0) bye

The Bucs had a successful bye week. They brought in some flash animators from ivillage who taught the players how to make really annoying web movies http://www.buccaneers.com/intro.aspx How can he have a hook on his foot? That's right, the Bucs get to try out their new offense on the Niners this week in the other bay area. Hopefully three years as a backup learning the system will help young Simms and perhaps answer the age old question of what is the proper way to groom a quarterback in the NFL.

Baltimore (2-4-0) 6, Chicago (3-3-0) 10

So was this the defensive battle we all expected or a deplorable performance from two of the leagues worst offenses? I though for sure this was going to be a field goal battle but Orton actually threw a touchdown pass. If Chicago could muster any kind of offense they'd be the killer team in a really weak NFC. Regardless, Chi-town's in a great spot heading to Detroit this weekend. They've already beat the crap out of the Lions this year and this time the winner will take the lead in the NFC Norris division.

Lenny

Tennessee (2-5-0) 10, Arizona (2-4-0)

How much does Lenny hate Arizona? It's bad enough we painted him up like a tranny turning tricks at ASU last year. Last Sunday we watched Arizona do to him what they couldn't do for him all of last year. It was actually a close game until a crazy tip-drill style interception return for a touchdown for 61 yards put the Cards up by 10 early in the 4th quarter. The Titans are feeling pretty awful about themselves right now as this was a game they certainly should have won. Scoring 10 points on 348 net yards is shameful. I guess we'll see how they rebound this week although it's not looking good for them...even at home.

Kansas City (4-2-0) 30, Miami (2-4-0) 20

In the Friday Night Special, all KC had to worry about was shaking off a bit of jet lag. It was the first time a team travelled and played in the same day. It obviously didn't bother them a bit. The Dolphins suffered their third loss in a row as the Chiefs went from the tarmac to the playing field and back to the airport without missing a beat.

Colin

San Francisco (1-5-0) 17, Washington (4-2-0) 52

Dude. I mean, someone in San Francisco must have really pissed off the football gods. No Alex Smith this week vs Tampa. I wonder if it will really make much of a difference?

Detroit (3-3-0) 13, Cleveland (2-4-0) 10

This game sucked. Cleveland plays Houston this week.

The End.

Randie

Week 6

2005-10-19T02:57:10Z

by Randie Swanberg

Hey it's my second write up of the year. I think I had two all of last year. There were some close battles this past weekend in the NFL including two OT games, however there wasn't much in the way of closeness for most of our bag teams. Plus there were toooonsss of key injuries. Unfortunately I was tuned into the Dallas vs NY Giants catastrophe (for FF reasons) last Sunday and was entertained by what was arguably the worst game I've ever seen played. Hey Bledsoe why don't you drop another ball on the ground asshole. Many of this weeks' games decided who really runs the cellar in the NFL this season and foreshadowed what we baggers may expect for next year.
]]> Both my teams won decisively, opening up a two game lead over Colin who went 0-2. I was feeling pretty good about things until I saw that Griese tore an MCL and ACL and may be out for the year. Looking ahead the schedule gets tough. Of the Bucs remaining 10 games, 5 teams have winning records. Three bag match-ups in this stretch (including one where I play with myself) so I'm looking for at least a split which would put them at 10 wins. Not bad for a team that was picked to barely scrape 6 wins together. Hopefully an overhauled Caddy will help them go on a good run. Of the 11 remaining games for the Bears, only 3 teams have winning records and 5 of the other 8 have only 1 win for the season. Now this looks good on paper but Da Bears aren't winning games with finesse. They're leading their division at 2-3 and have a 2-0 divisional record over the 2-3 Lions.

By comparison, Red Flag Fitzgerald's Skins have 3 easy-ish games left (2 vs Shawn) and Old Man Brunell is throwing up a ton of yardage to my boy, UM alum, Santana Moss (oh wait I don't think he ever graduated). The Browns have probably the easiest schedule remaining but they suck more than Michael Jackson at a boy scout convention. Oh and Flash Caard, the PBJ rule is in effect. No not peanut butter and jelly, it's the peanut butter jock!

Z Fish shit the bed yesterday as a really good Tampa D spoiled Pothead's return. Ricky had only 11 offensive touches yesterday which was cool 'cause it afforded him a few sneak a tokes in the tunnel. Hopefully Ricky will step up his performance this week and consequently up his trade value; perhaps to the CFL's BC Lions 'cause he knows that's where the good shit comes from. Unfortunately I don't think BC can afford an 8 million dollar yoga instructor. Oh and this just in...who the hell is Cleo Lemon? Is he related to Meadowlark? I just looked him up on Yahoo! Sports and he didn't even have a picture. Feeley must have really pissed someone off to be exchanged for a newly promoted third stringer. I suppose this is Saban having to deal with the front office's past mistakes. Remember last year the Fish gave up a second rounder for Feeley. Awful!

LT went for the TD cycle at the Raiders' (and Shawn's, and Lenny's) expense yesterday. He had like 26 fantasy points! LT owns the Raiders with 620 yards rushing in their last 4 meetings. To add insult, Moss left in the first with bruised ribs and a strained groin. The worst thing Al ever did was hire Norval Eugene Turner. Uh what's a Norval? The Raiders without Moss are in serious trouble. Look what's happening to the Vikes without him. Hey F Shawn, you're looking mighty Bagalicious this week.

The Broncos are proving to everyone that they're for real. Ok so they almost totally blew it in the end but hey, whatever, they still get the W. Shanahan apparently let the Snake loose and it worked out for a couple of long scores. No one's loving the Pat/Brady demise more than me (well, perhaps "Tuck Rule" Herold). You know things are starting to come apart when your OL Coach is teaching the "Cockpunch" as a blocking technique. They have a ton of injuries yet they're still 3-3 in a weak division but only New Orleans has given up more points this year. Oh yeah and the bone head award of the year goes to Ted Bruschi for returning to practice after suffering a stroke in the offseason. Way to go knucklehead! You're going to blow another head gasket.

And now it's time for the baggage:

Shawn

San Diego (3-3-0) 27, Oakland (1-4-0) 14

This wasn't as close as the score indicates. As I mentioned before it was the LT show this weekend in Oakland. How bad is it when an already devastating running back runs right then pulls the ball up and tosses a slow floater into the end zone for the TD. I swear, he made Oakland look stupid. The Bolts jumped out to a 24-7 halftime lead and the Mossless Raiders could not catch up. With Collins' 50% completion rate on 48 attempts and a pick combined with 8 penalties, performances like this may have the Raiders bag bound next year as everyone else in their division seems to be coming on. They have the distinction of being the only AFC West team to lose this past Sunday. Way to go! The Raiders' schedule is tough and they can't catch a break this week. Willis McGahee, a UM alum, Holcomb and the division leading 3-3 Bills come in to Oak-town fresh off their thrashing of the Jersey Jets.

San Francisco (1-4-0) bye

**BAG MATCHUP** The Niners travel to our nations capital this weekend. If they were smart they'd go a bit early and petition the Senate to force Tagliabue to institute a mercy rule in the NFL. It might save them the complete drubbing they will receive. Hey it's San Fran...let Arrington play! Let him play! Let him play!

Randie

Miami (2-3-0) 13, Tampa Bay (5-1-0) 27

So I lost Griese to a sprained knee which really sucks for me 'cause another underachieving son of a great (was Phil Simms ever that great?) takes over the reigns with newly acquired Tim Rattay as the backup. The Bucs have a bye buy by this week which means they'll have some time to teach Chris Simms his right from his left. From there they travel to ***BAG MATCHUP*** San Francisco where they'll take their turn kicking the Niners and consequently F Shawn in the nuts.

Minnesota (1-4-0) 3, Chicago (2-3-0) 28
The Vikes are in such disarray that they hired an ex-FBI Agent to chaperone all future booze cruises on Lake Titicaca. Minnetonka?? Whatever. A position that was cut by former owner Red McCombs to save money. Now the players involved could face Federal Charges. "The Mann Act" became law in 1910 to combat white slavery and more specifically was designed to punish those accused of taking women across state lines for the purpose of prostitution. The responsible party could face up to 5 years in prison. It's relative because the Love Boat chicks were from Atlanta and Florida. This team is hooorribble! They are bag bound for sure. Embarrassing isn't the word for it. So the timing was perfect for a 'not so good offensively' Bears team to come into town and bitch slap them around. Bang Bang was looking for a good W to stay tied with Detroit. This week the Ravens come to the Windy city. They're looking really shitty this year and now they're without reigning Defensive Player of the Year, and UM alum Ed Reed who is out with a high ankle sprain. His status is uncertain at this point.

Lenny

Miami (2-3-0) 13, Tampa Bay (5-1-0) 27

I thought this was going to be a good game as these teams know each other very well from practicing together so much during the pre-season. Alas I was wrong and had mixed emotions about it once again. The Bucs are just too hot and coming off their first loss they were ready to tee off on a pretty hapless offense. The Brown/Williams backfield was held to 64 yards rushing and Frerotte was sacked four times. Anyway let's not give Tampa Bay too much credit. Miami had 9 penalties (the first time they weren't in double digits in penalties all year), one of which cost them a touchdown, and two fumbles, one of which was returned for a touchdown. What the hell man? Being a Dol-fan always meant you were number one in the league in least penalized and least sacked. My how times have changed. Shula hasn't been there in ten years, jesus has it been ten years already. Miami has KC this week. Since the fish just gave up 180 yards rushing to Tampa Bay, look for Priest and Larry to have big days.

Cincinnati (5-1-0) 31, Tennessee (2-4-0) 23

The Titans were showing signs of improvement but ran into another hot team coming off it's first loss. Cincinnati's the talk of the league right now and Palmer's finally paying off. It looked liked the Titans had the game but a cool headed Carson threw to his favorite Johnson with 4:19 left to put the Bengals up for good. Still the Titans came back only to cough it up twice in the final 3:09 to seal their defeat. The Titans get a small reprieve this week as they travel to Arizona who has only one win.

Colin

Cleveland (2-3-0) 3, Baltimore (2-3-0) 16

Loser battle du jour. I really don't know what to write about this. The Browns seem like that up and down buffer team that other teams usually look over; which explains their two wins this year. When was the last time they were good? The Browns O finally restored the Baltimore D to glory by amassing a piddley 186 total yards with 2 fumbles and a pick. The big purple D showed no respect to their former QB's first time back by sacking Dilfer 4 times and forcing him into 3 turnovers. Cleveland hosts Detroit this weekend who embarrassed Baltimore last weekend and just lost a close one vs Carolina.

Washington (3-2-0) 21, Kansas City (3-2-0) 28

This was the best bag game of the week as the Skins showed at the very least that they can keep up with a high powered offensive team. It was also a game of big plays. An 80 yard fumble recovery for a touchdown created a momentum swing for KC and a battled ball in the endzone in the waning seconds sealed the W. So the Redskins who started out 3-0 have now dropped two straight which is unfortunate for the Skins, but great for me! Now they're 3-2 and at the bottom of their division. But things are looking up. This weekend they get to cockpunch San Fran into submission.

See you next week!

SWAN

Week 5

2005-10-11T06:29:58Z

By Lenny Herold

Finally! For reasons that shall remain unspoken, it is now TRULY football season. F baseball, F hockey, and F summertime... I'm ready for some barbeques, bourbon, and games where it's so cold you need gloves to drink your beer. Seriously, all football games should be played in the snow. What's better than seeing five 300+ pound O-linemen, snorting steam in unison like a team of stallions? Okay, OTHER than winning the lottery or spending a weekend as Heff's "special guest" at the Playboy mansion, ya fuckin' perv!

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As if the Saints haven't had enough problems this season, they had the extreme misfortune of running into a very pissed off and seriously underachieving Packer team. The Pack broke open the keg of whoop-ass, ringing up 52 (!) without giving up a touchdown. Yikes! Despite the big win, the Packers are swimming up a river of dookie with nothing but their pride to propel them - they had already lost their best wideout, their best running back, another top receiver, their starting center, and both starting tackles are gimpy... and then Davenport breaks his ankle. Ain't that a bitch? The Pack could easily get into the proverbial cinch sack in the NFC North, but you have to admire their heart.

F. Shawn's New England Tuck Rules pulled another win out of their soiled, stinking asses in the final seconds against the Dirty Birds. Playing a resilient, yet Ron Mexico-less Falcons team,
they blew (and I mean that literally) two two-touchdown leads, yet still found a way to get into the missionary position so Vinatieri could anally rape Atlanta. While we're talking about the Patsies, I'd like to mention that Tom Brady is a pansy-ass, metrosexual little girl who should SHUT THE FUCK UP already. Waaaah, Marty mentioned our team in his press conference.... don't talk about my momma! Or else I'll... I'll... cry like a little bitch about it?! Gimme a break. Anyone who actually LISTENED to Shotty's comments would be able to tell that he was actually trying to pay the Patsies a compliment by saying that even THEY, the apparently super-human lords of the perpetually hapless AFC East, must succumb to injuries every once in a while, and that there was no shame in it. But of course Brady had to act like Shotty called him chicken, made fun of his hair or worse, told him to stick his head in doo-doo. Grow up, dickweed - you've got 37 Super Bowl titles, and poor Marty's lucky to even have a job.

There was another, uh, classic battle between the Iggles and the How 'Bout Them Cowboys this weekend. Everyone who drafted Donovan McNabb in their fantasy league wants to kill themselves right now. I was absolutely SHOCKED to see Meshawn and Bledsoe screaming at each other on the sidelines... shocked I tell you! Why would any team want either of these guys? I know Bledsoe's playing fairly well right now, but you can just feel that he's going to screw the pooch sooner or later, like always... and this was just the 2,478th example of "Meshawn being Meshawn." The Cowboys are clearly the all-washed up team... all Parcells needs to do now is to pull Otis Anderson out of retirement to make this team complete. I've heard Jerry Rice is also available... oh I forgot, he's never played for the Tuna before, so no chance of signing him.

The competition for Overlord status is becoming as stiff as Peyton Manning at a Kenney Chesney concert... oh wait, I used that one already. But it's so much fun! Anyway the end of Week 5 finds a resurgent yet red-flagged Colin at the top of the heap. The man's in first place, but he somehow couldn't find time to do his write-up last week... oy the agony! ooh the shame! One more missed write-up and we'll make HIS privates public for a game, all right. F. Shawn suggested making him walk around with peanut butter in his jock strap all night.... ewwwww. Still, if you're fortunate enough to win a week, you've GOT to get your write-up done, otherwise incur the wrath of the rest of us pirates. The battle for face-paint is a neck-and-neck slugfest between myself and Randie right now - seems like it will all come down to which QB-less squad is worse, da Bears or zee poisonous Fish. And bringing up the rear... as it should be... is Captain F. Shawn Shitzgerald, who was dumb enough to take my Raiders with the first pick. Enjoy the Norv and Kerry variety hour for the rest of the season, because I can't bear to watch.

And now... on to the baggage!

Shawn (2-7-0, PF: 155, PA: 249, TD: 18)

San Francisco (1-4-0) 3, Indianapolis (5-0-0) 28

I never thought I'd say this, but bring back Tim Rattay! I needed a receiver in one of my fantasy leagues this week, so I picked up Brandon Lloyd... and then I found out San Fran was going to start Alex Smith. To say that he smelled like teen spirit would be a massive understatement - four picks, and the Niners' offense mustered a pathetic 177 total yards. Needless to say I got a big fat goose egg from Lloyd. I know the Colts' defense is good (I can't even believe I'm saying it), but jeezus, the fucking Gators could have done better than that. Shawn could easily break the record for least wins in a season this year (which I think is 7). Sorry little buddy, but you're boned.

NEXT WEEK: Bye buy by

Oakland (1-3-0): THANKFULLY, not losing because they didn't play.

NEXT WEEK: San Diego

Randie (5-4-0, PF: 115, PA: 118, TD: 17)

Tampa Bay (4-1-0) 12, NY Jizzettes (2-3-0) 14

Holy shit, is that VINNY TESTAVERDE starting for the Jizzettes?! I mean, I realize a heroin-addicted midget would be better than Brooks Bollinger, but I remember this asshole coming out of the plane at the Fiesta Bowl wearing army fatigues back in my sophomore year of high school. That was almost 20 years ago... how is this decrepit old sonofabitch still walking, let alone playing? In any case, being subjected to this game made me wish it was baseball season aga..... naaaaah, that's bullshit, but yeah, it was really that boring. Surely Herm Edwards' post-game news conference was a lot more exciting... that guy says more ridiculous shit to reporters than any football coach I can think of.

NEXT WEEK: **** BAG GAME ****
vs. Miami: a pivotal matchup for second place!

BAG GAME: Chicago (1-3-0) 10, Cleveland (2-2-0) 20

This early-season bagathon between Randie and Colin produced more mistakes than the SAT test I took after drinking a fifth of Jack in high school. Never before has the NFL seen a game started by two QBs worse than these. Trent "I Somehow Have a Super Bowl Ring" Dilfer vs. Kyle "I Thought
This Was My Redshirt Year" Orton. Dilfer, looking like a cross between Shaquille O'Neil and Casper the Friendly Ghost, somehow threw two TDs in a total of 38 seconds (that's one third of his season total!) to beat da Bearssss after he'd been as bad as a QB can be in the first half (two INTs and 6 points). Still, Dilfer wasn't as bad as Orton, who coughed up the ball late in the game and allowed the Shitstains to put the game away. The only thing worse than this game is knowing that this matchup has to happen one more time before the season's over. Lord help us.

NEXT WEEK: at Baltimore

Lenny (4-5-0, PF: 185, PA: 191, TD: 21)

Miami (2-2-0) 14, Buffalo (2-3-0) 20

This game was so terrible, so inconsequential, that it didn't even merit a mention on the Monday morning SportsCenter. I can't figure out what to make of this Dolphins team. I mean, for obvious reasons drafting them made me nausieous, but early in the season I thought they might make it seem like a good choice... and then they go and shit the bed against a team like Buffalo. The Bills benched J.P. Losman (somehow I had this guy on one of my fantasy teams too.... yikes) and it seemed to ignite their offense (20 whole points!!!). Still, zee Fish had the ball with a couple of minutes left to play, down by 6... that is until dumbass Ronnie Brown (I know he's borderline-retarded, because he went to Auburn) coughed up the football and gift-wrapped the win for Buffalo. I swear I'll never draft a team I hate this much again.

NEXT WEEK: **** BAG GAME **** @ Tampa Bay

Tennessee (2-3-0) 34, Houston (0-4-0) 20

Wow does Houston suck. Not that the Titans are a bunch of world-beaters, but Houston is just terrible. What do you expect when you fire your entire offensive staff right before the season starts? Tennessee played flawless football - nothing spectacular, but no turnovers - while the Queers went a miserable 0-13 on third down. You can't win a Pee Wee League game playing like that, Dom! I know he went to scUM, but I have to give props to young Jarret Payton, who got pulled from the depths of the practice squad due to Travis Henry's suspension (why don't you stay home and get blunted for the rest of the season? they're better without you) and scored his first career TD. I'm sure Sweetness is proud up there. One more thing about this game... for some unfathomable reason, the Titans actually tried the "fair catch kick" right before halftime. WTF?!? Was Jeff Fisher chopping up rails with Henry before the game or what? For the uneducated, this is when you attempt a field goal off a tee, as if you were kicking off... I cannot for the life of me figure out why they would try such a thing. Oh by the way, the kick was no good... fucking tools.

NEXT WEEK: Cincinnati

Colin (5-3-0, PF: 127, PA: 132, TD: 12)

BAG GAME: Cleveland (2-2-0) 20, Chicago (1-3-0), 10

I know I already wrote about this game, but it "bears" repeating - if you somehow got stuck watching this game, you probably wished you'd spent the time pulling out your fingernails one by one. I'd rather be fellated by Lynne Cheney than be subjected to this (*shudder*).

Washington (3-1-0) 19, Denver (4-1-0) 21

You just knew Colin's Injins
couldn't remain undefeated forever, but it's the Broncos I can't figure out... didn't they cut Tatum Bell a few weeks ago?! How many goddamn running backs do they have over there, anyway? They're playing in what was supposed to be a tough division, but since the Raiders are playing like an over-40 beer league team, Denver's running away with it. Regardless, this game was uglier than Mark Rypien, but Washington made one more mistake than Denver and fell from the ranks of the unbeaten. Good thing too, because Colin has been winning a little too much for my liking lately.... although I have to admit a reversal of fortune from last year's payoff, i.e. Colin hazing F. Shawn, does sound delightful. It should be an interesting remainder of the season.

Until next week.....
bag voyage!