As I've previously stated in this space, the Raiders are dead to me. In case I wasn't sure how over the season was, I got to see the drunken car wreck that is Norv's Raiders up close and personal this weekend. It's entirely possible that the Raiders-Jets game Sunday at the Meadowlands was the most poorly executed football game by two teams in the history of the oblong ball. I'm not exaggerating here. Both teams appeared to be competing for nothing more or less than the right to draft Reggie Bush, and at least in this contest the Raiders were better. Marques "Tui" Tuiasosopo got the start, but it was more of the same - more interceptions, more non-looks at Randy Moss, more pathetic run-blocking. More Raiders! Woo Woo! It was as bad as it could have possibly been. I did what I usually do in these situations - I drank myself into a stupor. It wasn't enough to entirely dull the pain, but it helped.

It's obvious Shawn will be "Plastic Man" this year.... and I love it. He just does it so well! My focus is on overtaking "Captain Vernacular" C. Sharpzgerald, the man responsible for such pearls of wisdom as "Fuck Stick" and "Fagot (sic) Retard". It's impossible to compete with his top-notch writing skillz, but it will be a fierce battle for the jersey. Colin has the more favorable remaining schedule, but while my teams are surging (Yeah, I said it! Surging!), his teams are sliding like White Castles after a long night of boozing.

Speaking of surging..... what a week! I mean, HOLY SHIT - I am now within one game of Jersey status. I'm licking my chops at this point. Even with Colin's soft schedule, I believe I can will my band of shitstans, my listless group of skirtgerbils, the scourge of all NFL teams, to bond together and fight for the common good..... which in this case is me being the first to Carry the Rock in the inaugural GB2K5 Football For Life Shot-A-Thon!

IT IS MY DESTINY!!!

Randie (18-8-0, PF: 456, PA: 357, TD: 50)

Tampa Bay (9-4-0) 20, Carolina (9-4-0) 10
Although they have identical records, it seems like Carolina and Tampa Bay are two teams going in opposite directions. TB, with a rejuvenated Cadillac, is running the ball more and more effectively, thus taking the pressure off young Sims, and as always is playing solid defense. Meanwhile the kitties in teal have an aging, fragile backfield, a mediocre QB, only one real offensive star and a defense which is obviously tiring as the season wears on. Both of these teams have to play Atlanta and New Orleans to end the season, with Atlanta only one game out of first.

NEXT WEEK: at New England
This is an interesting matchup. It seems like New England had their division wrapped up in week 5, and if it weren't for the Dolphins (holy fuck, I really just typed that), they would be resting people. Tampa needs all the wins it can get though, so expect a tough, hard-nosed slapfest between two good, but not great teams.

Chicago (9-4-0) 9, Pittsburgh (8-5-0) 21
Jeezus, how fucking old is Jerome Bettis? This guy could be my dad (sorry Joe Bill), yet he's still out there scoring TDs and breaking the 100-yard mark. No matther how old he is, I certainly wouldn't want to take a lick from him (uh, huh huh huh, I said lick). It seems like games like this, where the field is all shitty and muddy, are made for the Bus. Chicago's vaunted defense finally cracked, and Kyle Orton failed to win a game AGAIN. I know the dude just lost his first game as a starter, but for chrissakes put Grossman in! Seriously, Orton makes Chicago the Raiders with a good defense. No way they're making it deep into the playoffs with this jerkoff.

NEXT WEEK: Atlanta
This game is hugely important for both teams. Chicago has surprising Minnesota nipping at their heels, and the Falcons need a win to stay in the hunt for a division title. Will we see Rexie at QB for da Bearssss next week? Come on Lovie, do the right thing.

Colin (11-15-0, PF: 461, PA: 483, TD: 47)

Cleveland (4-9-0) 20, Cincinnati (10-3-0) 23
Oh wow, talk about giving Colin a nice big shitburger to eat! Carson Palmer was awful, yet the Shitstains couldn't keep it together and pull out a victory (uh, huh huh huh, I said pull out). For the second consecutive year, the Brownies are doing to Colin what one dog always does to the other in every sketch Randie's ever drawn - bending him over and anally raping him. Charlie Frye looks halfway decent, so there's always that to cling to when Colin drafts Cleveland for the third consecutive year (you heard it here first), but on Sunday it was all Rudi. Homey got 30 carries, and ended up with a buck-69 rushing.... yikes. The Bengals are good. Last time they had double-digit wins they went to the Super Bowl.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME ***** at Oakland
NOW we're talking! This edition of the Futility Bowl should be only slightly more entertaining than Sunday's fiasco at Giants Stadium. Two aging QBs giving way to two younger guys, yet all four suck. Neither team plays any defense and both have underachieving former coordinators as head coaches. The best thing about this game is that someone has to lose. I'm planning on temporarily lifting my ban on rooting for the Raiders. Come on F. Shawn, will those misfits to victory!

Washington (7-6-0) 17, Arizona (4-9-0) 13
Arizona's been pretty disappointing so far under Denny. I thought they'd be better by now. I mean, they have a pretty decent offense, even if their QB is old and looks just like his wife. Still, they should have won. Stupid Clinton Portis had a big third quarter as the Injuns overcame three first-half picks by Mark Brunell. There's no chance the Gibbies will make the playoffs (well, almost no chance), but I still need them to lose and lose often if I'm to catch Colin. By the way, you gotta love Rackers - any time a kicker gets into a fight with a linebacker, that's my kind of kicker. If you get your ass kicked by a guy wearing the uni-bar, you should get cut the next day!

NEXT WEEK: Dallas
How 'bout them Cowboys! This is actually a pretty even matchup. As a whole, it will probably be more interesting to the bag participants from a Fantasy perspective, as the "In Cans We Trust" playoffs start this week. I'll be drinking - heavily - and only paying attention in between shots of Jameson, since I found a way to come in last place in a 6-team league. Marcia and I are fired.

Lenny (10-16-0, PF: 494, PA: 590, TD: 53)

Houston (1-12-0) 10, Tennessee (4-9-0) 13
Oh yeah! Whenever a struggling team needs a win, there's Houston, ready with a nice cordial and an after-dinner mint to freshen them up. Still, as bad as Houston is, the anything-but-Titan Tennesseeans barely squeaked out a victory. The end of this game was just ridiculous. Tennessee kicks the go-ahead field goal with 10 seconds left. Game over, right? Wrong! Jeff "Porn Stache" Fisher calls for a squib kick to keep the ball out of Jerome Mathis' hands, but the morons in baby blue allow them to set up a return and pitch it to Mathis anyway. Mathis takes off and almost scores - Reynaldo Hill only prevents the winning touchdown by yanking Mathis' facemask on the sideline. The game can't end on a defensive penalty, so Houston's set up for the winning field goal on the 13 with zeros on the clock... but Houston's kicker shanks the 31-yard field goal, even though Porn Stache is trying to call a time out the entire time. Un-fuckin'-believable! Who taught this guy how to coach, Walter Matthau? Whatever, I'll take what I can get.

NEXT WEEK: Seattle
YIKES. Tennessee couldn't beat Seattle if Shaun Alexander was on their team. This is probably my last write-up for the year, because Tennessee could easily lose out. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Miami (6-7-0) 23, San Diego (8-5-0) 21
Oh SNAP! How on G-d's green earth did the Dolphins pull this out of their asses? This win smells like my bathroom after my morning piss. Definitely not fit for human occupancy. Somehow Schotty's troops figured out how to lose a game they NEEDED to win, to a team with highly inferior talent, at home. Chris Chambers went absolutely ape-shit AGAIN! In the Fish's last three games - all wins - CC has 29 catches for ** 460 yards ** and 3 TDs. The man's a menace! Like Judge Smails, the Bolts are a tremendous slouch. They don't deserve to make the playoffs. As for Zee Poisonous Fish......... Just Win Baby!

NEXT WEEK: NY Jets
Is it possible? Could it be? Can Ze Fish win four straight?! At home against the lowly Jets, I sure as hell think so. Miami has a chance to finish the season over .500, and this should put them (and me) one step closer to redemption. I'd say it's also a safe bet that if I *do* have to face paint, it won't be for the hated Dolphins.... PHEW. Randie's just going to have to figure out how to paint that gay-ass sword, I guess.

Shawn (6-20-0, PF: 445, PA: 703, TD: 47)

Oakland (4-9-0) 10, NY Jets (3-10-0) 26
Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for... my rant about this game. Where to begin? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad Dave embraced his role as Tailgate Nazi and made me be at his apartment by 9am... otherwise there's no way I would have been drunk enough by the time the Raiders made a mockery of the first quarter. The funny thing is, as bad as the Raiders were, the Jets were almost as awful. They acted like the endzone was infested with the cooties. Circle circle dot dot, now we kick another field goal. I wasn't sure how this game would play out - both teams are just awful, but with only two wins the Jets had more to lose for - they were still in the hunt for the top draft pick (which management has reportedly said they'd trade away, because they don't want to tie up all that money for one player, Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart notwithstanding. What a bunch of maroons! How could anyone root for this team?!). Still, the Jets are so fucking terrible that they couldn't even lose right. By the third quarter, I had sprawled out and was throwing back beers like I'd been stranded in a desert for a week (I'd say there were less than 20,000 "fans" in the stands at kickoff, and by halftime there might have been half that.... as usual for a Jet game). There were a couple of like-minded Raider fans behind me, and we had a blast making fun of the circus antics going on in front of us. Even the Jet fans joined in - the irony wasn't lost on anyone. This was the type of game that makes you want to quit watching football forever.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME **** Cleveland
Could the Raiders possibly lose two games in a row to two of the shittiest teams in the league? Don't answer that.

San Francisco (2-11-0) 3, Seattle (11-2-0) 41
Ding ding ding!!! It's the BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK!!! Smart money says Seattle's going to put up 40 on Tennessee next week too. This game was even more of a beat-down than the score indicates. Hasselbeck went 21/25 for 226 and 4 TDs in *three quarters*. F. Shawn is surely cursing himself for putting his faith in the Raiders... not only did he not get the wins he felt entitled to from the #1 pick, he also had to endure a full season of constant disappointment from San Fran. It doesn't get any easier for the Niners either. Fitzy has an excellent chance to break the all-time FWTBT record for futility. Only Houston's presence on the schedule affords F. Shawn even a glimmer of hope of getting another win. We've surely seen his talents as a writer for the last time this season. Fortuantely for us, F. Shawn is by far the most entertaining of all bag-wearers.... so his loss is our gain.

NEXT WEEK: at Jacksonville
EWWWWW. Talk about ugly. Jax could win this game with your mother playing QB.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of For Whom The Bag Tolls..... only three more weeks left!