Week 16
by Randie Swanberg

Bam bam bam bam bam da da da da da da da.

When we last spoke, I wasn't yet the official Overlord of 2005. Well now I am so hooray for me. Shawn's got until next summer to enjoy his reign. Then it all goes down the toilet.

I promise to be a good Overlord. I promise to pick good bars that everyone will have fun at. I promise to make sure the bars are in walking distance. I promise to paint Lenny's face to the best of my ability. I promise to make Shawn drink a lot, so he will have to go home at midnight. I promise to knock the ball away from Colin, starting a series of pile ons at every bar we go to, probably landing us in jail by nine o'clock. I promise to make a good website for next year (with the galleries)! Most of all I promise not to pick the Raiders or Jets next year because I hate them both.

Oh another red flag! Now I have some company. Like Shawn said, everyone has two flags and he's in the bag, so the red flags are a bit of an equalizer for him. For those of you who missed it, Shawn clinched the bag in Week 15, congratulations Shawn, and set a new record for losses in a season. Ten was the record (shared by Colin and me) and no matter what happens this weekend he'll have no more than nine so again, congratulations go out to Shawn, nice work. Now now to be fair to Shawn, he made the same move we all would have made in taking the Raiders. Who knew they were going to suck so bad.

Just want to take a second and recognize the disaster that's going on in Tony Dungy's life. I usually have a pretty strong opinion about NFL players and coaches...I usually hate 'em or not. Well Coach Dungy was one of the few NFL personalities I respected. He seemed like a genuine no bullshit guy that I just liked. To hear about his son and to imagine what he and his family are going through is mind blowing to me. This kid was 6'7" and depressed. How can people not notice this? I bet the depressing part was living in Lutz, FL. I've been to Lutz, it's depressing. Now Coach Dungy is returning to work, two days after burying his 18 year old son. My deepest sympathies go out to the Dungy family and to all families who have lost someone this year.

If I go 2-0 this weekend I'll tie Shawn for most wins in a season (23). Even though two spots are decided, there's still a race. Lenny is trailing Colin by two games. Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just cut and paste what Lenny wrote in his last post:

• Miami has to beat New England, at "The Razor." The game means nothing for either team, but still.
• Cleveland has to lose to Baltimore at home (given the Shitstains' performance this weekend, I'd say this is likely)
• Tennessee has to beat Jacksonville in Jax (Jax has clinched a playoff berth, but...)
• Philadelphia has to beat Washington at the Linc
• Cleveland and Washington's total points must not be more than Miami and Tennessee's points + 35

Yeah dude, you're wicked fucked.

If I don't get a chance to speak to you all this year I want to thank you for tuning in. I had a great year of football which is something I feel I deserved. The Fish may finish above .500, I won the Overlord for the first time and I came in second in my fantasy league, losing in the superbowl to Dan by three points. Three points...three points like two Carson Palmer Interceptions or one Green Bay punt return for a TD or one Feely FG oh son of a bitch. Congratulations go out to Dan. After being heckled by everyone at the fantasy draft he must certainly feel vindicated. I hate you Dan.

Shawn (7-23, PF-488, PA-764, TDs-51)

San Francisco 24, St Louis 20
San Francisco moved into elite status last Sunday. By going to 3-12, they leave Houston as the sole 2 win team and join the Jets, Green Bay and New Orleans at 3 wins each. So there you go everyone, next years draft pool. This is really sad for the Rams 'cause two of the 49ers wins this year were against St Louis. They wouldn't have won shit if it weren't to two outstanding performances by their running backs. As a team they rushed for 217 yards. Rookie phenom sensation Alex Smith still hasn't thrown a TD in his NFL career. They'll look to quench this embarrassing statistic this weekend as they wrap up their season at home against the Houston Texans. I'm sure we'll all be watching this game, what with all the draft implications.

Denver 22, Oakland 3
Oakland continues to be the doormat of the AFC West. They are now 0-6 in their division. No more Tui? Come on Norv? You barely gave him a shot! I know a lot of Raiders fans who say no more Norv. Say it with me NO MORE NORV! NO MORE NORV! NO MORE NORV! This guy is a career offensive coordinator and has no business being the head coach. So shame on Al Davis for hiring him. If things couldn't get worse, the Giants, who deparately need a win with all these teams biting their ankles, come into to town to end this woeful season.

Randie (21-9, PF-523, PA-429, TDs-57)

Tampa Bay 27, Atlanta 24 (OT)
Late season divisional match-up with the playoffs on the line. G-d damn I love football. Michael Vick has a monkey and his name is BucsD. Once again he couldn't shake him off. However it was Atlanta's D that couldn't hold it down in the waning seconds of regulation, setting up some free football. Pretty sad sequence played out in OT with an opening kickoff fumble, blocked FG, muffed FG and then finally the game winner with :39 seconds left in OT. But hey this is why they play. I can't seem to make Tampa Bay out. They've been hot and cold since Greise went down with the knee. They get humiliated by NE one week and then score 27 on a really good D the next. This jekyll and hyde needs a win at home vs New Orleans to make the playoffs which they should get. Now perform like this...in the playoffs? They won't make it past the first round. However they finish, I'm proud of what they accomplished this year (for me). I spent some time in Tampa so I feel a special kinship with them. They weren't picked to finish past .500 and they're one win away from winning the division. On top of that, they have a really young offense that will only get better. Go Bucs!

Chicago 24, Green Bay 17
The Bears broke every offensive tendency against the Packers this past Christmas night. They kind of looked like an rich 18 year old kid taking his new Corvette out for a test drive. Except I can't really compare Grossman to a Corvette. He's more like a cross between a Fiat and a Pinto. Not a lot of power, kind of fun to drive but mostly a disaster waiting to happen. Not this week however as the vertical passing game came to Chicago. Grossman only connected on one long pass, but was regularly chucking it down here, keeping the threat alive. Now this is exactly what Chicago needs. Grossman comes back and does about the same statistical job as Orton. Not throwing it up a lot (23 attempts) but mostly opening things up for T Jones. All this coming together for a team that has already clinched the division and a first round bye and, oh yeah they desperately needed some offense to make it deep into the playoffs. They get to practice their offense against a very pissed off Minnesota team. The Vikes were eliminated last week but will go out kicking and screaming. Go Bears!

Lenny (12-18, PF-576, PA-672, TDs-63)

Miami 24, Tennessee 10
Ronnie Brown got the day off which was good news for Dol-fan Lenny. His old buddy Ricky busted out the six chamber bong load, then went out and ran for 172 yards and a score. The Fish will not go quietly into that good season. Hopefully this weekend they'll exact a little revenge for me by shoving Tom Brady's head up his own ass.

Unfortunately Miami's five in a row may not be enough to vault Lenny into the Jersey. I know how much you want to carry that pig. Maybe next year kid. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to put those gay blue flames on your face.

Colin (14-16, PF-540, PA-558, TDs-57)

Pittsburgh 41, Cleveland 0
Poor poor Browns fans. There always has to be a bitch slap du jour. It just seems Cleveland has been on the bitch side most of the year. The rookie Frye sufffered the worst getting bitchsacked 8 times. The Steelers were so bitch slap happy that they even bitch slapped a bitch ass fan as he was running onto the field. The Browns are just trying to save a little face now. A win vs Baltimore this week would tie them with the Ravens for third place in the division.

Washington 35, NY Giants 20
Moss had a monster day. I want that guy on my fantasy team next year. A buck-sixty with three scores for the former UM receiver. That puts him at 1400 yards for the year. For the Skins, it's the perfect time of year to go on a four game win streak. I thought the Giants were unstoppable but they are still the team that had four consecutive false start penalties a few weeks ago. I've watched many Giant's games this year and it's Eli that seems to be throwing it away for that offense. Plaxico did have that huge drop in the first quarter. Anyway my boy Clinton had himself a TD pass! It wasn't pretty but it gave that Cooley guy another TD! Cooley is a TE wearing #47 right? Why can't he wear a 80 number? The Skins are still fighting for a playoff spot and need a win at Philly.

Now go back and re-read the entire write up but this time pretend you are Eric Cartman.

See you next year sports fans.

Randie

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Save ME, that is. Washington's win over the Giants really made my quest for the Jersey an uphill climb. With two games to play, I'm two back. Here's what needs to happen in order for me to catch Colin for secnod place:

• Miami has to beat New England, at "The Razor." The game means nothing for either team, but still.
• Cleveland has to lose to Baltimore at home (given the Shitstains' performance this weekend, I'd say this is likely)
• Tennessee has to beat Jacksonville in Jax (Jax has clinched a playoff berth, but...)
• Philadelphia has to beat Washington at the Linc
• Cleveland and Washington's total points must not be more than Miami and Tennessee's points + 35

In short, I'm fucked. Better start looking for baby blue face paint and some of those temporary tattoos. This is going to look pretty stupid on my face:

Shawn got a too-little-too-late win from San Fran, but he's still assured of the worst record in the history of the bag. Randie went 2-0 to take the week. Since Colin got his 6,275th red flag last week, Randie's write-up will need to be extra special - I'm sure he'll come through.

One week to go.........

Posted by Lenny Herold at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Now we're getting down to the nitty gritty. Shawn has officially clinched the bag - er, um, congratulations!, and good luck with that! - so the only two spots still up for grabs are Jerseyboy and Faintpacer. Colin steamrolled into week 16 with a 2-0 record to nab this week's write-up. Shawn's Raiders (I'm through claiming them as my own) shit the bed again, giving up a field goal as time expired to Cleveland, while the Redskins manhandled Dallas. Congratulations, Captain V - you da man.

Colin's magic number is three. Any combination of wins for him and losses for me equalling three will clinch the Jersey for him, and the dreaded baby-blue swords on the cheeks for me (the Dolphins' win this weekend ensures they cannot be my worst team). Since I'm playing with myself this weekend, I'm assured of at least one more win (and one more loss), so if Colin goes 2-0 again this week, he'll clinch. Otherwise, the final standings won't be set until it's all said and done in week 17.

It's worth noting that Shawn is also one loss away from clinching the worst ever record in the history of the bag. There should be some sort of "booby prize" for this. I'll give it some thought - comments?

Posted by Lenny Herold at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

By "Senior" Lenny "Herr" Herold

It seems like the draft was only yesterday... so much hope, so much excitement. Yet here we are, closing in on season's end, and I find myself striving towards one last ray of light, a single goal that remains attainable.

The Bag -- or specifically, fear of it -- is all I have left. Think about what I'm confessing to you, faithful reader. I'm telling you, our supporter through thick and thin, that my quest to avoid repeating as Pacefainter is more imporant to me than anything right now. Fantasy football? Over. "A Committment to Excellence"? At this point, I sure as hell hope not. "Dolfan Lenny"? Let's not get carried away.

As I've previously stated in this space, the Raiders are dead to me. In case I wasn't sure how over the season was, I got to see the drunken car wreck that is Norv's Raiders up close and personal this weekend. It's entirely possible that the Raiders-Jets game Sunday at the Meadowlands was the most poorly executed football game by two teams in the history of the oblong ball. I'm not exaggerating here. Both teams appeared to be competing for nothing more or less than the right to draft Reggie Bush, and at least in this contest the Raiders were better. Marques "Tui" Tuiasosopo got the start, but it was more of the same - more interceptions, more non-looks at Randy Moss, more pathetic run-blocking. More Raiders! Woo Woo! It was as bad as it could have possibly been. I did what I usually do in these situations - I drank myself into a stupor. It wasn't enough to entirely dull the pain, but it helped.

It's obvious Shawn will be "Plastic Man" this year.... and I love it. He just does it so well! My focus is on overtaking "Captain Vernacular" C. Sharpzgerald, the man responsible for such pearls of wisdom as "Fuck Stick" and "Fagot (sic) Retard". It's impossible to compete with his top-notch writing skillz, but it will be a fierce battle for the jersey. Colin has the more favorable remaining schedule, but while my teams are surging (Yeah, I said it! Surging!), his teams are sliding like White Castles after a long night of boozing.

Speaking of surging..... what a week! I mean, HOLY SHIT - I am now within one game of Jersey status. I'm licking my chops at this point. Even with Colin's soft schedule, I believe I can will my band of shitstans, my listless group of skirtgerbils, the scourge of all NFL teams, to bond together and fight for the common good..... which in this case is me being the first to Carry the Rock in the inaugural GB2K5 Football For Life Shot-A-Thon!

IT IS MY DESTINY!!!

Randie (18-8-0, PF: 456, PA: 357, TD: 50)

Tampa Bay (9-4-0) 20, Carolina (9-4-0) 10
Although they have identical records, it seems like Carolina and Tampa Bay are two teams going in opposite directions. TB, with a rejuvenated Cadillac, is running the ball more and more effectively, thus taking the pressure off young Sims, and as always is playing solid defense. Meanwhile the kitties in teal have an aging, fragile backfield, a mediocre QB, only one real offensive star and a defense which is obviously tiring as the season wears on. Both of these teams have to play Atlanta and New Orleans to end the season, with Atlanta only one game out of first.

NEXT WEEK: at New England
This is an interesting matchup. It seems like New England had their division wrapped up in week 5, and if it weren't for the Dolphins (holy fuck, I really just typed that), they would be resting people. Tampa needs all the wins it can get though, so expect a tough, hard-nosed slapfest between two good, but not great teams.

Chicago (9-4-0) 9, Pittsburgh (8-5-0) 21
Jeezus, how fucking old is Jerome Bettis? This guy could be my dad (sorry Joe Bill), yet he's still out there scoring TDs and breaking the 100-yard mark. No matther how old he is, I certainly wouldn't want to take a lick from him (uh, huh huh huh, I said lick). It seems like games like this, where the field is all shitty and muddy, are made for the Bus. Chicago's vaunted defense finally cracked, and Kyle Orton failed to win a game AGAIN. I know the dude just lost his first game as a starter, but for chrissakes put Grossman in! Seriously, Orton makes Chicago the Raiders with a good defense. No way they're making it deep into the playoffs with this jerkoff.

NEXT WEEK: Atlanta
This game is hugely important for both teams. Chicago has surprising Minnesota nipping at their heels, and the Falcons need a win to stay in the hunt for a division title. Will we see Rexie at QB for da Bearssss next week? Come on Lovie, do the right thing.

Colin (11-15-0, PF: 461, PA: 483, TD: 47)

Cleveland (4-9-0) 20, Cincinnati (10-3-0) 23
Oh wow, talk about giving Colin a nice big shitburger to eat! Carson Palmer was awful, yet the Shitstains couldn't keep it together and pull out a victory (uh, huh huh huh, I said pull out). For the second consecutive year, the Brownies are doing to Colin what one dog always does to the other in every sketch Randie's ever drawn - bending him over and anally raping him. Charlie Frye looks halfway decent, so there's always that to cling to when Colin drafts Cleveland for the third consecutive year (you heard it here first), but on Sunday it was all Rudi. Homey got 30 carries, and ended up with a buck-69 rushing.... yikes. The Bengals are good. Last time they had double-digit wins they went to the Super Bowl.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME ***** at Oakland
NOW we're talking! This edition of the Futility Bowl should be only slightly more entertaining than Sunday's fiasco at Giants Stadium. Two aging QBs giving way to two younger guys, yet all four suck. Neither team plays any defense and both have underachieving former coordinators as head coaches. The best thing about this game is that someone has to lose. I'm planning on temporarily lifting my ban on rooting for the Raiders. Come on F. Shawn, will those misfits to victory!

Washington (7-6-0) 17, Arizona (4-9-0) 13
Arizona's been pretty disappointing so far under Denny. I thought they'd be better by now. I mean, they have a pretty decent offense, even if their QB is old and looks just like his wife. Still, they should have won. Stupid Clinton Portis had a big third quarter as the Injuns overcame three first-half picks by Mark Brunell. There's no chance the Gibbies will make the playoffs (well, almost no chance), but I still need them to lose and lose often if I'm to catch Colin. By the way, you gotta love Rackers - any time a kicker gets into a fight with a linebacker, that's my kind of kicker. If you get your ass kicked by a guy wearing the uni-bar, you should get cut the next day!

NEXT WEEK: Dallas
How 'bout them Cowboys! This is actually a pretty even matchup. As a whole, it will probably be more interesting to the bag participants from a Fantasy perspective, as the "In Cans We Trust" playoffs start this week. I'll be drinking - heavily - and only paying attention in between shots of Jameson, since I found a way to come in last place in a 6-team league. Marcia and I are fired.

Lenny (10-16-0, PF: 494, PA: 590, TD: 53)

Houston (1-12-0) 10, Tennessee (4-9-0) 13
Oh yeah! Whenever a struggling team needs a win, there's Houston, ready with a nice cordial and an after-dinner mint to freshen them up. Still, as bad as Houston is, the anything-but-Titan Tennesseeans barely squeaked out a victory. The end of this game was just ridiculous. Tennessee kicks the go-ahead field goal with 10 seconds left. Game over, right? Wrong! Jeff "Porn Stache" Fisher calls for a squib kick to keep the ball out of Jerome Mathis' hands, but the morons in baby blue allow them to set up a return and pitch it to Mathis anyway. Mathis takes off and almost scores - Reynaldo Hill only prevents the winning touchdown by yanking Mathis' facemask on the sideline. The game can't end on a defensive penalty, so Houston's set up for the winning field goal on the 13 with zeros on the clock... but Houston's kicker shanks the 31-yard field goal, even though Porn Stache is trying to call a time out the entire time. Un-fuckin'-believable! Who taught this guy how to coach, Walter Matthau? Whatever, I'll take what I can get.

NEXT WEEK: Seattle
YIKES. Tennessee couldn't beat Seattle if Shaun Alexander was on their team. This is probably my last write-up for the year, because Tennessee could easily lose out. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Miami (6-7-0) 23, San Diego (8-5-0) 21
Oh SNAP! How on G-d's green earth did the Dolphins pull this out of their asses? This win smells like my bathroom after my morning piss. Definitely not fit for human occupancy. Somehow Schotty's troops figured out how to lose a game they NEEDED to win, to a team with highly inferior talent, at home. Chris Chambers went absolutely ape-shit AGAIN! In the Fish's last three games - all wins - CC has 29 catches for ** 460 yards ** and 3 TDs. The man's a menace! Like Judge Smails, the Bolts are a tremendous slouch. They don't deserve to make the playoffs. As for Zee Poisonous Fish......... Just Win Baby!

NEXT WEEK: NY Jets
Is it possible? Could it be? Can Ze Fish win four straight?! At home against the lowly Jets, I sure as hell think so. Miami has a chance to finish the season over .500, and this should put them (and me) one step closer to redemption. I'd say it's also a safe bet that if I *do* have to face paint, it won't be for the hated Dolphins.... PHEW. Randie's just going to have to figure out how to paint that gay-ass sword, I guess.

Shawn (6-20-0, PF: 445, PA: 703, TD: 47)

Oakland (4-9-0) 10, NY Jets (3-10-0) 26
Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for... my rant about this game. Where to begin? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad Dave embraced his role as Tailgate Nazi and made me be at his apartment by 9am... otherwise there's no way I would have been drunk enough by the time the Raiders made a mockery of the first quarter. The funny thing is, as bad as the Raiders were, the Jets were almost as awful. They acted like the endzone was infested with the cooties. Circle circle dot dot, now we kick another field goal. I wasn't sure how this game would play out - both teams are just awful, but with only two wins the Jets had more to lose for - they were still in the hunt for the top draft pick (which management has reportedly said they'd trade away, because they don't want to tie up all that money for one player, Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart notwithstanding. What a bunch of maroons! How could anyone root for this team?!). Still, the Jets are so fucking terrible that they couldn't even lose right. By the third quarter, I had sprawled out and was throwing back beers like I'd been stranded in a desert for a week (I'd say there were less than 20,000 "fans" in the stands at kickoff, and by halftime there might have been half that.... as usual for a Jet game). There were a couple of like-minded Raider fans behind me, and we had a blast making fun of the circus antics going on in front of us. Even the Jet fans joined in - the irony wasn't lost on anyone. This was the type of game that makes you want to quit watching football forever.

NEXT WEEK: ***** BAG GAME **** Cleveland
Could the Raiders possibly lose two games in a row to two of the shittiest teams in the league? Don't answer that.

San Francisco (2-11-0) 3, Seattle (11-2-0) 41
Ding ding ding!!! It's the BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK!!! Smart money says Seattle's going to put up 40 on Tennessee next week too. This game was even more of a beat-down than the score indicates. Hasselbeck went 21/25 for 226 and 4 TDs in *three quarters*. F. Shawn is surely cursing himself for putting his faith in the Raiders... not only did he not get the wins he felt entitled to from the #1 pick, he also had to endure a full season of constant disappointment from San Fran. It doesn't get any easier for the Niners either. Fitzy has an excellent chance to break the all-time FWTBT record for futility. Only Houston's presence on the schedule affords F. Shawn even a glimmer of hope of getting another win. We've surely seen his talents as a writer for the last time this season. Fortuantely for us, F. Shawn is by far the most entertaining of all bag-wearers.... so his loss is our gain.

NEXT WEEK: at Jacksonville
EWWWWW. Talk about ugly. Jax could win this game with your mother playing QB.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of For Whom The Bag Tolls..... only three more weeks left!

Posted by Lenny Herold at 08:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It was a busy weekend in the Bag. Team Herold, for obvious fear of the paint, is making a late season push. Lenny (10-16) went 2-0, getting the write up and moving one game behind Colin (11-15) with 3 weeks remaining...

I went 1-1 as Chicago took a beating at Pittsburgh. That, combined with Colin's 1-1, makes me the official GB2K5 Overlord. Shawn went 0-2 and is in jeopardy of becoming the first person in the modern era of the bag to go from Overlord to Bag in on season.

Should be an interesting write up for Señor Herold as I've been giving him a lot of crap about his Raiders lately.

Three cheers for the new Overlord!

Let the new reign of terror begin!

R

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

by Randie Swanberg

Or should I say WEAK 13? "Weak" as in the weak ass overlord competition this year. Oh sure the bag race is exciting, only 4 wins separate Jersey Boy from Bag Boy, but this makes it two years in a row that the top spot's been a runaway. Now I didn't do it like Shawn's fluke ass Supercharges last year, no my teams did it with hard nose old school Defense.

Ok here I go and I haven't clinched anything yet. Now I'm sure you don't want me to drone on and on about how good my defenses are...I've already done that extensively. At 17 wins I've tied my total from all of last year. There are 8 more bag games so if I go 7-1 I'll break Shawns record from last year (23). It's a stretch. Poor Francis is in line to potentially break the low Win total. He's at 6 right now and the record is 10. Oakland's schedule is finally lightening up with games versus the Jets and Cleveland. San Fran has Houston in week 17 so he should get at least three more. Remember Shawn, records were made to be broken.
I went 2-0 so this is write up number six for me in this glorious garbage bag season. Yeah that's a personal best. I had two last year and three the year before. You wouldn't believe how happy I was that my bag teams played each other two weeks ago. I needed the break which is sad 'cause my last couple of write ups were pretty weak. There are only 4 weeks or 8 bag games left. Lenny and Colin went 1-1 this week and his Bagness Sir Shawn of Fitzgerald had another null set. Now Colin's up by two on Lenny who is up by two on Shawn. It's still anyones bag. Colin only needs 3 or 4 wins to wrap up the Jersey spot. Lenny's Fish have tough games at San Diego and at New England on Jan 1 where they never win but he does play with himself in week 16 so he'll get at least one more win. I know he wants the jersey but I don't think it will happen. What do you think America? Post a comment below and give me you GB2K5 predictions. Who will don the Jersey and carry the football? Who will be the paintfacer? For which team will he paint? I want to know what YOU think!

Awesome comeback by the Dolphins! This is the kind of thing that usually happens TO the Fish so it was refreshing to watch someone else be the dunce. Buffalo played cover 4 prevent the entire second half so I guess I should say something like thanks for being a jerkoff, jerkoff. There's been a lot of talk about the first and goal Buffalo had in the third where instead of running, they passed and got picked off. I didn't end there. The all knowing offensive coordinator kept calling passes in the second half. Now since the Dolphins won with :06 on the clock, one or two runs would have obviously used that time. So I say again thanks for being a jerkoff, jerkoff. This is a coaching loss. As much as I'd love to give the Fish all the credit, I can't.

Minnesota can realistically make the playoffs! Someone up there deserves a huge hand. I don't know if it's Tice or that weird named owner guy but they've cleaned up their act simply by winning games.

And now a few comment from my friend Seymore Baggage:

Yawn (6-18, PF 432, PA 636, TD 46)

San Diego 34, Oakland 10 - If there were a mercy rule in the NFL, I think both Oakland and San Francisco would qualify for it. You know, just forfeit the rest of their games. Well that won't work here at GB2K5 as you all know...these last few games are crucial. San Diego is one of the hottest teams in the league and they're not a lock for the playoffs. Sunday night they took out their frustration on the Raiders. The Gods of Raider Football are placing blame on Kerry Collins so Marques, hang on a second, Tuiasosopo, the loser ass Husky will apparently get the call on Sunday. Why not, the guy's been riding the pine for four fucking years now. This weekend should be a battle of ineptitude in New Jersey as the Raiders face the Jets at 1:00. It's very winnable for the Raiders so there's still hope for Shawn.

Arizona 17, San Francisco 10 - This is what makes the GB2K5 what it is today, giving a shit about a game like this. I mean honestly, 3-8 Arizona at 2-9 San Francisco? I don't know if you can call San Francisco's Team "Professional"? even the bonehead coach! What's even more embarrassing is this: Warner threw for 354, Boldin and Fitzgerald each had over 100 yards receiving and the team scored only 17 points? They ran 70 plays? San Fran had gave the ball away 4 times. Well the highlight was Boldin's 54 yard TD in the 4th. He took a five yard pass and okeydoked his way to the end zone. Tough times for the 49ers as they travel to Seattle this week. First round pick Alex Smith is still searching for his first career TD pass. I'm sure he'll do well.

Randie of the Redwoods (17-7, PF 427, PA 326, TD 48)

Chicago 19, Green Bay 7 - I was watching most of this game and all I really felt was enormous pity for Brett Favre. I know this guy is a warrior but Chicago was beating the literal crap out of him. He was bleeding and swollen and just had this look on his face like I'm getting too old for this shit. I've always liked Favre but I hate to say it but it may be time to hang it up. That guy's going to end up like Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty all crackly and shit. He's already hooked on the pain killers. Oh and isn't Nolte like 5'4"? Leave it to Hollywood to try and pass him off as an NFL wide receiver. It wasn't a pretty win, the Bears still don't have much offense to speak of. Orton has the worst passer rating of any starter, but he's not making the big mistake. And check this out, Chicago's defense gained almost as many yards (140) as its offense(188). Pretty or not, it was their 8th win in a row, their longest streak since '85. This week they go to Pittsburgh who are spinning out of control, dropping their last four and a tough divisional bitch slap from Cinncy last week.

Tampa Bay 10, New Orleans 3 - Ronde must have gotten absolutely sick of all the press Tiki's been getting this season so he took it out on Aaron Brooks by picking him off three times. Otherwise this was a complete borefest. I'm looking at the stat sheet and the only thing that jumps out is that each team only made it to the red zone once? Didn't Tampa score 30 on Atlanta a couple of weeks ago? I'm sure the Bucs don't care, a win is a win and this helps them get closer to a playoff spot. They roll into Cackalackie this weekend, trailing by one game for the division lead. With a win, the Bucs would take the lead with a better divisional record.

Dol-Fan Lenny (8-16, PF 458, PA 559, TD 50)

Miami 24, Buffalo 23 - Chambers blew up this game as the Fish FINALLY won a close one late in the game. This was the third time this season Miami had the ball late in the fourth down by less than a TD. The other two times resulted in Frerotte INTs but not this time, thanks to the really cool herb, Sage Rosenfels. This marked the largest comeback for ZFish since 1974 and Chambers' 238 yards was the highest total since 2002. Miami is still mathematically eligible for the playoffs, for the time being. Now this is really hard for me to admit, but I'm really rooting for them to lose. You see Chanukah is right around the corner and all I really want...all I really really want for Chanukah...is to see Lenny in Dolphin Teal and Orange next year. Yes that would make him Dol-Fan Lenny! UH what can be better. I spent the better part of my youth having to listen to this dumbass badmouth the Dolphins because he couldn't be a home town fan. No he had to be original and bandwagon himself on to a real "bad boy" team just to prove how cool he was. Yeah he was that guy. Well let me tell Dol-Fan Lenny, you better pray the Fish win out and Tennesse shits themselves 'cause you do not want me paint you up next year. I would consider it to be the equivalent of getting pissed on by FSU fans. Harsh. Either way Dol-Fan Lenny, I'm going to buy you this for the payoff:
http://www.thedolphinsmakemecry.com/store/tdmmc_shirt.html
I'm buying myself this:
http://www.thedolphinsmakemecry.com/store/ricky_williams_bong.html
Anyway the honeymoon is over for Miami :) 'cause they're going to San Diego this weekend.

Indianapolis 35, Tennessee 3 - Another day at the office for the Colts. Someone has to beat this team! I don't know if I can live with the greatest NFL record being broken by that ass ninja Peyton. Tennessee needs a new team. Their current "young team with a bright future" isn't working at all. Doesn't help when you go up against these fuknuts. Fisher's trying everything, he even went for it on fourth something like five very desperate times (1-5). In the end the Colts did pretty much whatever they wanted, scoring on the ground, through the air and a defensive TD. Peyton was 13 of 17 for 187 and 3 TDs. These are not the Titans of defense. Huge break for them this week as the lowly Texans travel to the Volunteer to have sex with your own sister state.

Colon (10-14, PF 424, PA 447, TD 43)

Jacksonville 20, Cleveland 14 - Huge come from behind win for the Jags. Uh when you're playing Cleveland and you have to come from behind is that really HUGE? Whatever dope Jax was smoking in the first half wore off by the third quarter. That or Del Rio scored some meth for the halftime festivities. Whichever, after giving up 243 yards in the first, the Jags D held the Browns to 55 yards in the second and sacked rookie QB Charlie the Frye Guy five times. If the Brown's season hasn't been shitty enough, they lost top receiver Braylon Edwards to a knee injury in the fourth. Cleveland goes to Cinncy this weekend. The Bengals are looking for that first round bye so they won't be resting anyone.

Washington 24, St. Louis 9 - Give the ball to Clinton dammit! You're on a three game losing streak and you're playing the 30th ranked run defense. Run the ball fucko's! Don't pass, run! Run every game! OK OK Portis is my fantasy RB so I was loving this return to the Hog days. Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Rock Cartwright rushed for over 100 yards as well. After the game, Rock and Dirk Diggler were seen leaving together in a gold '81 Corvette with T-Tops. The Skins travel to Arizona this week who just squeaked by the 49ers. Washington is hanging on to a sliver of playoff hope so they have to keep winning.

Hope to see you all next week when I hopefully clinch. I'll be preparing my inaugural speech this week while the rest of the gang here will be getting out their knee pads.

Peace out in da oh five.

R

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 01:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

We're one week closer to garbage bag bliss! Randie cut the field up and smoked us like a blunt.... AGAIN..... going 2-0 and coming within inches of clinching the overlord spot. Chris Chambers willed me to a 1-1 record by scoring a TD with 6 seconds left, giving me a somewhat-commanding 2 game lead over Shawn in the race against bag hell. Colin also went 1-1 to remain firmly planted in the Jerseyboy spot.

I expect lots of gloating, giggling and finger-pointing from Randie in his write-up, due out Real Soon Now.

Posted by Lenny Herold at 09:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)