What can I say about this, the third year A.B. (after bag)? I think there've been more bag games than ever before. It is a distinct possibility that the all-time FWTBT record for futility - 10 wins for the season - could be broken this year. 3 out of 4 particpant's favorite teams are in the bet, and at least two have a good chance of being there again next year. In short, it's been a roller coaster, and it's taught me a few things about how to approach my bag research in preparation for future drafts.

1. NEVER, EVER choose a team you hate as a bag team.

   It was hard enough sitting at the bar in Gainesville, badly hung over and in serious need of a nap. The Gators had spanked F$U in basketball on Friday night, then football on Saturday, and I closed the bars both nights. I lost count of how many $4 pitchers I drank, and that sonofabitch Granat kept buying Jagermeister shots. Still, somehow I bucked up and dragged my ass out to cheer for my - well, Shawn's - Raiders. I dreaded this game because I knew Norv and co. could find creative ways to shit the bed.... and my worst fears were realized as they were bitch-slapped by the lowly aqua and orange anathema that is the Miami Dolphins. I was supposed to be happy because I went 2-0. In reality, I wanted to hurl my beer at the TV and run out of the bar screaming. Since that probably would have gotten me thrown in the clink (and I've been in the one in Gainesville, and it ain't pretty, and I don't plan to go back, ever), instead I turned to my old buddy John Jameson for comfort. Things went dark soon after that.

   I must have eaten the brown acid before the draft. How the hell did I ever expect myself to feel good about this team winning? I've hated them ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper. The Dolphins are my albatross - a dead fish hanging around my neck like in that Maiden song.... "The Rime of The Ancient Bag Wearer." I plan to avoid this unpleasant turn of events at all costs in the future.

   Picking a team that you hate has other potentially unpleasant repercussions. For instance, say I somehow manage to avoid wearing the bag. You'd think I'd be so happy I might do one of those embarassing little cabbage patch dances. But no... unless I can somehow pull of a miracle and finish as the Jersey Boy, I'll be faced with actually face painting for these dickholes. Face painting! For the Dolphins! Aqua face paint will haunt my dreams for the next five weeks.

   (Back to my own personal Sunday hell... During the third qurter of the game, I told Biker Dave, who was sitting next to me at the time, that if the Raiders found a way to lose this game I would be rooting for them to lose ALL of their games for the remainder of the season. When the Dolphins and... Gus Motherfucking Frerotte!!!... beat you, you know your season is unsalvagable. The only good that can come of it would be for Norv, Kerry and the rest of this dysfunctional bunch of knuckleheads to be fired or released. My favorite team is now "Top 5 Draft Pick." The Raiders are currently dead to me.)

2. Pick teams that don't suck.

   I know, I know, they all suck. What I mean is, I should have picked teams that were defensively strong (see TB and Chicago), rather than going for scoring potential (which I thought Tennessee and Miami would have). Here we all thought Oakland was going to throw up points like it was nobody's business, but when the fucking DOLPHINS can score 30 on you, you're not going to beat many teams, good offense or not (and yeah, I know, the Raiders offense stinks worse than Staten Island). Next season, I'll pick teams that can stay in games, if at all possible.

3. Keep a closer eye on strength of schedule.

   This has to be the most underrated factor in choosing a bag team, at least by me. WTF was I thinking, taking a team that would be playing Jacksonville and Indianapolis twice? Wouldn't it have been better to take a team in a horrible division, like, say, Chicago? I won't make the same mistake again.

Random thoughts on Week 12

• Philadelphia finally found a team it could beat without T.O. and McNabb. Can I just say "Fuck you T.O." one more time? Thanks for ruining my fantasy season, asshole. These guys are sure to be in the bet next year.
• Mooch got fired. Then Dre Bly astutely pointed out that for a first-round draft pick, Joey Harrington really sucks. Congratulations Dre - you just made Lions practices fun again! Even better, Jeff Garcia publicly blamed it on Matt Millen. Everyone knew Millen was an awful GM, but once the players start calling you out in public... it seems pretty clear that he shouldn't have stopped at Mooch. He should have fired himself.
• Indianapolis just keeps rolling. Edge is having a ridiculous year, but he's probably the third-best back in the conference. Can anyone beat these guys? They haven't trailed since week 6!!!
• New Orleans won a complete suckfest against the Jizzettes Sunday night in a game that must have made the NFL scheduling peeps want to hide in a corner somewhere. Did ANYONE watch this game?
• My guess is that Tiki and the rest of the Giants are still "Golden Shower"-ing Jay Feely right now.

State of the Bag Address

Going 2-0 was a small consolation this week. It had been four weeks since I'd won a bag game, or since I'd won a fantasy game in either of my leagues... I was starting to think I might never get another write-up. Now I feel like I have a realistic chance of possibly wearing the jersey.... and thus avoiding the dreaded face-painting or plastic-wrapping. This is probably ridiculously optimistic of me, but I really have little else to cling to.

Let's take a quick look at the standings:

Randie: 15-7
Colin:  9-13
Lenny:  7-15
Shawn:  6-16

Randie's magic number is five - any combination of wins by his teams or losses by Colin's equaling 5 would clinch the overlord spot. He could clinch as early as next weekend. The rest of the positions are up for grabs and could end up being decided during week 17. I'm guaranteed at least one more win (Miami and Tennesse match up in week 16, yay!), but beyond that only one bag game remains - Cleveland at Oakland in week 15, and boy does it promise to be big! I won't comment on how I think the standings will play out, but here's an at-a-glance look at the remaining schedules:

Chicago: Green Bay, at Pittsburgh, Atlanta, at Green Bay, at Minnesota
Tampa Bay: at New Orleans, at Carolina, at New England, Atlanta, New Orleans

Cleveland: Jacksonville, at Cincinnati, at Oakland, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Washington: at St. Louis, at Arizona, Dallas, N.Y. Giants, at Philadelphia

Miami: Buffalo, at San Diego, N.Y. Jets, Tennessee, at New England
Tennessee: at Indianapolis, Houston, Seattle, at Miami, at Jacksonville

Oakland: at San Diego, at N.Y. Jets, Cleveland, at Denver, N.Y. Giants
San Francisco: Arizona, at Seattle, at Jacksonville, at St. Louis, Houston

On to the baggage!

Randie (15-7-0, PF: 398, PA: 316, TD:45)

Chicago continues to roll, but Randie had to settle for 1-1 since he played with himself this week. Former Gator Alex Brown had a ridiculous day - he set up da Bearssss only TD with a forced fumble, had 4 passes defensed and 2 sacks. He was all over poor Lil' Simms, yet TB still had a chance to win it late before their kicker crapped all over the turf during a 29-yard field goal attempt with a little over 2 minutes left. I was sitting at the Florida-Florida State game this weekend and the guy standing next to me happened to be the starting QB for James Madison near DC. Though much of my memory of the game is clouded by a thick Jim Beam haze, at one point I remember him saying to me: "I hate kickers. They have one job to do, and they don't have to get hit. You've got to keep my away from the kicker after he misses." Indeed.

Colin (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD:38)

The Browns suck. (But even THEY beat the freakin' Dolphins. Grumble.) Sure, Minnesota is surging, but jeezus, this is Brad Johnson you're playing against. Stupid Nole. Tice's Love Boaters picked off three passes and forced a couple of fumbles - you just can't give that up and expect to win. Cleveland might have the most difficult schedule remaining of all bag teams...

...which leads us to the Foreskins. Their playoff hopes are slip slidin' away like so many turds in a toilet bowl after a long night of drinking. They stayed competitive with the Bolts despite another world-beating day from LT, who tied the game with a big run late in the fourth and then won it for SD on the second play of OT, sprinting 41 yards to paydirt and giving pudgies to gamblers everywhere who'd been crying in their beers just minutes before (the line was SD by 3.5). It's hard to believe this guy's not going to be the MVP. I mean jeezus, he's thrown for three TDs, and has 8 scores and almost 450 total yards in his last three games. Un-fucking-believable. Anyway, Washington is free-falling, having blown fourth quarter leads in the last three straight games. It won't get any easier as they go to St. Louis next week.

Lenny (7-15-0, PF:431, PA: 501, TD:47)

The Tennessee-San Francisco game was pretty entertaining, at least for three quarters. McNair blew up for 3 third quarter TDs and had his best game of the year. This was the kind of performance I expected more of when I drafted these guys, but then again San Francisco's defense couldn't start for Rutgers. The pathetic Niners gave up more than 300 yards passing for the fifth time in eleven games... absolutely miserable. Still, when they ran back a McNair pick to take the lead going into the half, I was definitely worried... shit, the Titans hadn't won in six weeks and I wasn't sure they ever would again. Surely Francis was quietly sobbing while watching both his bag teams plus the Patsies get humiliated on the same day. We know Shawn can do the Hefty proud from past payoffs, but I wouldn't mind seeing him cinching up the straps again.

Shawn (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD 38)

Shitzgerald and I are in a neck-and-neck battle for the ass end of the standings. Oakland was a bust of the sort that Buffalo was for Randie a couple of years ago, and the Bills put Randie in plastic that year almost single-handedly. Shawn, I feel your pain - watching Collins underthrow everyone and ignore Moss must be pretty frustrating. I'm sure you'll think twice before picking these underachievers next year. San Francisco's not much better... Dorsey looks like a deer in the headlights out there, and they're still making him throw the ball 40 times a game. All I can say is, don't take the first pick next year - it's a curse.

That's it for now - hope you all like the new blog format. The site is still in-progress, and we'd love to hear your comments. See you next write-up!