A miserable performance this weekend by Farve. He threw 5 INTs and is therefore the recipient of the Joe-Joe Wendler "What is your hand doing in my pocket?!" award. Farve lost a bit more of his luster this game as his skills continue to erode.

Dante Culpepper thankfully ended his season this week by shredding his knee (tearing his ACL, MCL, and PCL). After his poor start and the debacle on the SS Whore-a-lot, it was just time to be over. Kind of like sitting through the final ten minutes of a movie that's conflict has been resolved and is inexplicably continuing. Ahoy, young Culpepper! It be back to the high seas with you!

It was an emotional return for Tedy Bruschi this week in NE. The Patriots faithful are counting on him to patch up and lead an absolutely miserable defense. They were still porous, but Tedy was in on more than 80% of the defensive plays and also saw some special teams action. Is there an athlete with a more perfect last name? I don't think so. There would have to be a NASCAR driver named Steve Chugalap or Rick Getdrunkandturnleft to better him. To top it off he's a great player. What more can you ask for. Welcome back Tedy. McMassive game against the Colts next Monday. If the defense can make Peyton do his two-hands-palms-to-the-sky-head-flopping-forward-in-frustration-move, I will be very pleased. Very pleased.

On to the games!

Randie: 9-5, PF: 245, PA: 168, TDs: 28

Chicago (4-3) 19 vs. Detroit Lions (3-4) 13
After Joey Harrington's exile, Jeff Garcia was trying to save the season. He succeeded in giving this game away with his overtime interception that was returned for a TD. More bad news came in the form of a leg injury. Joey Harrington is slated as the starter this coming weekend. Not good for Lions fans. I don't care how good he is at the piano, how smooth he is on camera, or how good he looks on a billboard in Herold Square. The kid can't play quarterback in the NFL. Much like the career of Steve Guttenberg, he will probably pick up elsewhere and inexplicably get another chance. The Lions fans have now lived through Police Academy's 1-3. I don't think they want to see the rest of the series. Somehow Kyle Orton has Chicago in the driver's seat for the NFC North.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10 vs. San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15
This was Chris Simms big chance to come off the bench and show everyone that he was not just "Phil Simms' kid". He managed to throw for 264 yards and a TD, but failed to beat the lowly 49ers. I'm sure he walked into this game thinking he was going to clean house on the 3rd string QB from SF, but he was the one who failed. His performance was much like my GI Joe "Storm Shadow" Ninja costume of the mid 80s. I was beyond fired up about GI Joe at this point and was nearing complete obsession with this ninja. I convinced myself that I could make a cool costume and not have to buy anything. I made a "throwing star" out of Popsicle sticks and toothpicks. I wrapped my head in bandages so that I could get the "layered effect" that the GI Joe guy had. I wrapped my wrists too! Then I wore all white and tried to draw the "Cobra" insignia on the chest of my white turtle neck. I was peaking! This was going to be the best Halloween ever! Then I got strep throat. I told my Mom I was going anyway. She okay'd the deal and I was off! I went to the first house and the old lady asked me if I was a mummy. Then the second house asked if I was a hospital patient. Things got worse from here. I took to coming to the door in a karate stance with my bag out. This did no good either. All of my plans foiled by lack of ninja knowledge. I'm sure Chris Simms shared my agony this weekend.

Colin: 6-8, PF: 229, PA: 261, TDs: 24

Washington Redskins (4-3) 0 vs Giants (5-2) 36
This was the "beat down du jour". A lot was made of the passing of Wellington Mara. How he was such a "league guy" and he'd do anything for the NFL and the Giants. Well, give me a break. The dude was named "Wellington". I'm sure he counted money all day and took a break now and then to have some caviar. Everyone should really be thanking him for a reason to get cocked on Sunday and watch a sporting event. That is the end of his contribution to society. You have given men a reason to get blotto on the Sabbath, and it has become somehow socially acceptable. For this we are grateful, but enough with the reach arounds. Eli and Tiki destroyed the Skins defense and led the team to a 36-0 win. They were the kids in the neighbor hood that were packing eggs, tomatoes, shaving cream, and a fire extinguisher that they stole from under the sink. They destroyed every group of kids they came across and stole their candy. The Redskins went home empty handed, bruised, covered in egg, shaving cream, and chemical retardant. Bad times. On a personal note, I was the idiot who "tested" the fire extinguisher before we went out. Then when it came time to use it, all of the pressure had leaked out. So, I basically lugged this thing around for hours for nothing. Young and stupid.

Cleveland Browns (2-5) 16 vs. Houston Texans (1-6) 19
Trent Dilfer is the dentist in your neighborhood that hands out toothbrushes for Halloween. It's hard to hate him because after all he is a dentist, but toothbrushes are as low as a Halloween treat can go. My Dad gave them out one year when I was about 3, and I even knew it was lame and wrong then. For shame DAD! Dilfer was playing for his job this week, and it looks like Charlie Frye will be in next week. Dilfer didn't make any mistakes (0 INTs), but he just isn't an answer. When the head coach says things like: "I would like for our guys to catch the ball. I would like for us not to fumble. I would like for us to make the plays we need to make."You know the Browns are really "toothbrush handing out bad".

Lenny: 5-10, PF: 297, PA: 345, TDs: 31

Miami Dolphins (3-4) 21 vs. New Orleans Saints (2-6) 6
Nick Saban won in his return to Baton Rouge. The Saints are a lot like Randie was in his Zombie Sid Vicious costume. You look once and it is really creepy. You know something just isn't right. You want to stop looking but you can't. Much too scary and real. When he took the teeth out, it brought him back to normal a bit, but the make up was still creepy. Watching the Saints flounder this season is much the same. Your not 100% sure what is going on with them. They try really hard sometimes, then they just hang out on the field at other times. Meanwhile, Ricky Williams is getting himself back in playing shape. All late night taco trips have been suspended until further notice.

Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25 vs Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34
A bitter sweet game for Lenny. His beloved Raiders won, but they also kicked him down to even with me in the win column. I have a game in hand, which in baseball terms would put Lenny a ½ game back, and directly in the clutches of the much feared cinch sack. Lenny is dependent on McNair's broken back, Travis Henry staying off the pipe, and the no name receiving corps. The Titans have a bye next week to think about their future. Must be kind of like pondering whether to show up at your phone sex job or not. You don't really want to go, but you have to get paid, and their expecting you to show up. Lenny, might be time to put on the Raiders Jersey and just order some delivery weed. The Titans are not your friends.

Shawn: 5-9, PF: 273, PA: 380, TDs: 31

Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34 vs Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25
Norv Turner finally took the pumpkin off his head and realized that he could give the ball to Lamont Jordan 25+ times a game, he could carry the team. The fact that Randie Moss is banged up does not bode well. However, since Jordan is running through the opposing defenses like a 16 year old can run through the woods in a vampire costume with a 12-pack of Natty Light under his arm as the party gets broken up by the cops, I'd say things are looking up.

San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10
Everyone on Earth had TB winning this game. The 49ers succeeded in trading away their only "good" (I use that term loosely) QB to Tampa Bay, minutes before the trade deadline closed. So, when Alex Smith went down last week, they had to tap Ken Dorsey for the start, as they watched Tim Rattay sit on the opposite sidelines. I'm sure there were many "talks" with the personnel department. I have always had a weird "Doug Flutie-esque" belief in Dorsey for some inexplicable reason. Some guys just know how to win. Dorsey destroyed college football. He had a few mediocre to poor games with SF in the past years, but I felt he was due for a break out game. Well, that didn't happen. The 49ers won the game, but not due in any part to Ken's 7 for 18 and 40 yard passing performance before leaving with a leg injury, or his replacement Cody Pickett's 1 for 1 and 10 yards passing. Dismal. They won on 5 field goals. The 49ers were the kids in the neighborhood that roll up on the house with the big old apple basket piled with full sized bags of M&Ms and Milky Ways with a sign stuck in it that says "ONLY TAKE ONE OR ELSE!!!". They completely disregarded the warning and took all of the candy making their Halloween a roaring success. Tim Rattay's bag remained empty, as he sat on the sidelines yet again. Gnarly 49ers update: They just signed Jesse Palmer to be their 3rd QB. I'm sure all the bachelor fans out in SF are thrilled! "HeeeeeEYYYY JessssseeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!!!

After a wonderful Halloween weekend, I thought it would be a proper time to reflect on celebrations past. During my sophomore year, Halloween was on the Saturday of a home football game, which meant there would be an all day bender of tailgates, funnels, shot guns, and chugging. The perfect storm of costumed-beer-drinking-football-infused-fun. We usually dressed up for tailgates anyway. We had a decent dragon costume with a big huge foam tail that I wore a couple times. I had a gas station attendant's outfit with a "Smokey" name patch I got at Army/Navy (I'm guessing you can only find that in PA or the deep south). But, this weekend we had to pull out every thing we could think of. Obviously, there was nothing else to do but dress up as Kiss. I got to be Gene Simmons. Aanen was Peter Criss, Dilatush was Ace, and Scott Duncan was Paul. The weather conspired against us that day. It was pouring rain and about 48 degrees. We woke early and blasted "Destroyer" as we geared up (black wigs, face paint, black clothes) and had a few eye opener Black Labels. After getting dressed, we loaded up Aanen's girl-of-the-month's 4-Runner with the generator, speakers, stereo and as much Black Label as we could fit. After a short ride over the mountain we rolled up to the tailgate spot. Things were deserted. A usually rollicking crowd was non-existent on the wet and frigid morning. Then again we got there as soon as the police opened the field. So, many people were probably still asleep. We set up the party patrol gear and got "Destroyer" cranking out again. There were several group Kiss shotguns, then others started to arrive. Things began to get very hazy. I don't recall much more than running around in the rain drunk off my ass and doing my best to catch pneumonia. However, I do recall Ace's (Todd's) parents were there and witnessed much of the debauchery. As game time closed in on us, everyone started wandering into the game. The thing about Lehigh games was that none of the students went in, they just showed up to get tanked. So, as everyone was leaving and throwing their grills over, Ace (Todd) and I managed to jack a whole igloo cooler full of Budweiser. This was a veritable treasure chest considering we had been drinking Black Label, Meister Brau, Birds Brew, Schlitz, and Natty Bo all day. We quickly moved our find into the back of the 4-Runner. Behind the "liberated" cooler we hastily threw in the speakers, stereo and generator. There was no crap beer left…obviously. So, Peter (Aanen) wheeled us out of the field and back on the road. No one could drive, he just happened to have the keys. Before you could make the turn to go back over the mountain, you had to go past a police check point. The line of cars gets very long, because the cops look into each car quickly as you drive by. As we rolled up they looked in and saw four annihilated guys dressed up like Kiss hauling around a generator and a bunch of speakers. I guess they just didn't want to deal with us so they waved us through and we were on our way up the mountain. About half way up the car slowed down and sputtered. Peter (Aanen) announced that we were out of gas. In our haste to get to tailgates we forgot about gas for the truck. D'oh! Then Ace (Todd) screams out "I've got an idea!" He opens up the stolen cooler, grabs a beer and jumps out of the truck. The three of us stare at each other. Obviously having a beer would be great, but we just passed a DUI check point, so it probably isn't the best place for a party. We decide to get out to see what he's doing. We get to the back of the truck just in time to see him chugging the beer that he got out of the cooler. When he finishes, he throws the can on the ground and then opens the tailgate of the truck and rips out the generator. It comes crashing to the ground. While all of this is going on there is a steady stream of cars rolling by us. He then whips out a swiss army knife and cuts the top off the can he just chugged. Next he unscrews the gas cap on the generator and tips it over to pour the gas into the empty can. Ingenious!!!! So, we poured gas into the can, then poured the gas into the car. Keep in mind that all the people in the cars driving by us at about 7 miles per hour are only seeing 4 guys dressed up like Kiss hanging out by their truck and pouring beers into it. I like to think there was a whole generation of kids that we corrupted with that move. After the truck was gassed up we went back over the house and set up chairs in the shower. We sat around in there with all of the shower heads on drinking the stolen cooler of beer for the next hour and a half. During that time Todd's Dad came to the house to visit him and found him hanging out on a chair in the shower drinking stolen beers and yelling incoherently.

Happy Frat-tastic Halloween!