By Lenny Herold

As the curtain closes on November, the finish line is in sight for the NFL as well as for your faithful plastic-, face paint- and jersey-clad jesters. Only five weeks remain in what has been an often shocking and generally depressing season of personal strife and pain for me, and to be honest I'll be happy when it's over... but For Whom the Bag Tolls is still a long way from being decided.

What can I say about this, the third year A.B. (after bag)? I think there've been more bag games than ever before. It is a distinct possibility that the all-time FWTBT record for futility - 10 wins for the season - could be broken this year. 3 out of 4 particpant's favorite teams are in the bet, and at least two have a good chance of being there again next year. In short, it's been a roller coaster, and it's taught me a few things about how to approach my bag research in preparation for future drafts.

1. NEVER, EVER choose a team you hate as a bag team.

   It was hard enough sitting at the bar in Gainesville, badly hung over and in serious need of a nap. The Gators had spanked F$U in basketball on Friday night, then football on Saturday, and I closed the bars both nights. I lost count of how many $4 pitchers I drank, and that sonofabitch Granat kept buying Jagermeister shots. Still, somehow I bucked up and dragged my ass out to cheer for my - well, Shawn's - Raiders. I dreaded this game because I knew Norv and co. could find creative ways to shit the bed.... and my worst fears were realized as they were bitch-slapped by the lowly aqua and orange anathema that is the Miami Dolphins. I was supposed to be happy because I went 2-0. In reality, I wanted to hurl my beer at the TV and run out of the bar screaming. Since that probably would have gotten me thrown in the clink (and I've been in the one in Gainesville, and it ain't pretty, and I don't plan to go back, ever), instead I turned to my old buddy John Jameson for comfort. Things went dark soon after that.

   I must have eaten the brown acid before the draft. How the hell did I ever expect myself to feel good about this team winning? I've hated them ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper. The Dolphins are my albatross - a dead fish hanging around my neck like in that Maiden song.... "The Rime of The Ancient Bag Wearer." I plan to avoid this unpleasant turn of events at all costs in the future.

   Picking a team that you hate has other potentially unpleasant repercussions. For instance, say I somehow manage to avoid wearing the bag. You'd think I'd be so happy I might do one of those embarassing little cabbage patch dances. But no... unless I can somehow pull of a miracle and finish as the Jersey Boy, I'll be faced with actually face painting for these dickholes. Face painting! For the Dolphins! Aqua face paint will haunt my dreams for the next five weeks.

   (Back to my own personal Sunday hell... During the third qurter of the game, I told Biker Dave, who was sitting next to me at the time, that if the Raiders found a way to lose this game I would be rooting for them to lose ALL of their games for the remainder of the season. When the Dolphins and... Gus Motherfucking Frerotte!!!... beat you, you know your season is unsalvagable. The only good that can come of it would be for Norv, Kerry and the rest of this dysfunctional bunch of knuckleheads to be fired or released. My favorite team is now "Top 5 Draft Pick." The Raiders are currently dead to me.)

2. Pick teams that don't suck.

   I know, I know, they all suck. What I mean is, I should have picked teams that were defensively strong (see TB and Chicago), rather than going for scoring potential (which I thought Tennessee and Miami would have). Here we all thought Oakland was going to throw up points like it was nobody's business, but when the fucking DOLPHINS can score 30 on you, you're not going to beat many teams, good offense or not (and yeah, I know, the Raiders offense stinks worse than Staten Island). Next season, I'll pick teams that can stay in games, if at all possible.

3. Keep a closer eye on strength of schedule.

   This has to be the most underrated factor in choosing a bag team, at least by me. WTF was I thinking, taking a team that would be playing Jacksonville and Indianapolis twice? Wouldn't it have been better to take a team in a horrible division, like, say, Chicago? I won't make the same mistake again.

Random thoughts on Week 12

• Philadelphia finally found a team it could beat without T.O. and McNabb. Can I just say "Fuck you T.O." one more time? Thanks for ruining my fantasy season, asshole. These guys are sure to be in the bet next year.
• Mooch got fired. Then Dre Bly astutely pointed out that for a first-round draft pick, Joey Harrington really sucks. Congratulations Dre - you just made Lions practices fun again! Even better, Jeff Garcia publicly blamed it on Matt Millen. Everyone knew Millen was an awful GM, but once the players start calling you out in public... it seems pretty clear that he shouldn't have stopped at Mooch. He should have fired himself.
• Indianapolis just keeps rolling. Edge is having a ridiculous year, but he's probably the third-best back in the conference. Can anyone beat these guys? They haven't trailed since week 6!!!
• New Orleans won a complete suckfest against the Jizzettes Sunday night in a game that must have made the NFL scheduling peeps want to hide in a corner somewhere. Did ANYONE watch this game?
• My guess is that Tiki and the rest of the Giants are still "Golden Shower"-ing Jay Feely right now.

State of the Bag Address

Going 2-0 was a small consolation this week. It had been four weeks since I'd won a bag game, or since I'd won a fantasy game in either of my leagues... I was starting to think I might never get another write-up. Now I feel like I have a realistic chance of possibly wearing the jersey.... and thus avoiding the dreaded face-painting or plastic-wrapping. This is probably ridiculously optimistic of me, but I really have little else to cling to.

Let's take a quick look at the standings:

Randie: 15-7
Colin:  9-13
Lenny:  7-15
Shawn:  6-16

Randie's magic number is five - any combination of wins by his teams or losses by Colin's equaling 5 would clinch the overlord spot. He could clinch as early as next weekend. The rest of the positions are up for grabs and could end up being decided during week 17. I'm guaranteed at least one more win (Miami and Tennesse match up in week 16, yay!), but beyond that only one bag game remains - Cleveland at Oakland in week 15, and boy does it promise to be big! I won't comment on how I think the standings will play out, but here's an at-a-glance look at the remaining schedules:

Chicago: Green Bay, at Pittsburgh, Atlanta, at Green Bay, at Minnesota
Tampa Bay: at New Orleans, at Carolina, at New England, Atlanta, New Orleans

Cleveland: Jacksonville, at Cincinnati, at Oakland, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Washington: at St. Louis, at Arizona, Dallas, N.Y. Giants, at Philadelphia

Miami: Buffalo, at San Diego, N.Y. Jets, Tennessee, at New England
Tennessee: at Indianapolis, Houston, Seattle, at Miami, at Jacksonville

Oakland: at San Diego, at N.Y. Jets, Cleveland, at Denver, N.Y. Giants
San Francisco: Arizona, at Seattle, at Jacksonville, at St. Louis, Houston

On to the baggage!

Randie (15-7-0, PF: 398, PA: 316, TD:45)

Chicago continues to roll, but Randie had to settle for 1-1 since he played with himself this week. Former Gator Alex Brown had a ridiculous day - he set up da Bearssss only TD with a forced fumble, had 4 passes defensed and 2 sacks. He was all over poor Lil' Simms, yet TB still had a chance to win it late before their kicker crapped all over the turf during a 29-yard field goal attempt with a little over 2 minutes left. I was sitting at the Florida-Florida State game this weekend and the guy standing next to me happened to be the starting QB for James Madison near DC. Though much of my memory of the game is clouded by a thick Jim Beam haze, at one point I remember him saying to me: "I hate kickers. They have one job to do, and they don't have to get hit. You've got to keep my away from the kicker after he misses." Indeed.

Colin (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD:38)

The Browns suck. (But even THEY beat the freakin' Dolphins. Grumble.) Sure, Minnesota is surging, but jeezus, this is Brad Johnson you're playing against. Stupid Nole. Tice's Love Boaters picked off three passes and forced a couple of fumbles - you just can't give that up and expect to win. Cleveland might have the most difficult schedule remaining of all bag teams...

...which leads us to the Foreskins. Their playoff hopes are slip slidin' away like so many turds in a toilet bowl after a long night of drinking. They stayed competitive with the Bolts despite another world-beating day from LT, who tied the game with a big run late in the fourth and then won it for SD on the second play of OT, sprinting 41 yards to paydirt and giving pudgies to gamblers everywhere who'd been crying in their beers just minutes before (the line was SD by 3.5). It's hard to believe this guy's not going to be the MVP. I mean jeezus, he's thrown for three TDs, and has 8 scores and almost 450 total yards in his last three games. Un-fucking-believable. Anyway, Washington is free-falling, having blown fourth quarter leads in the last three straight games. It won't get any easier as they go to St. Louis next week.

Lenny (7-15-0, PF:431, PA: 501, TD:47)

The Tennessee-San Francisco game was pretty entertaining, at least for three quarters. McNair blew up for 3 third quarter TDs and had his best game of the year. This was the kind of performance I expected more of when I drafted these guys, but then again San Francisco's defense couldn't start for Rutgers. The pathetic Niners gave up more than 300 yards passing for the fifth time in eleven games... absolutely miserable. Still, when they ran back a McNair pick to take the lead going into the half, I was definitely worried... shit, the Titans hadn't won in six weeks and I wasn't sure they ever would again. Surely Francis was quietly sobbing while watching both his bag teams plus the Patsies get humiliated on the same day. We know Shawn can do the Hefty proud from past payoffs, but I wouldn't mind seeing him cinching up the straps again.

Shawn (9-13-0, PF: 386, PA: 418, TD 38)

Shitzgerald and I are in a neck-and-neck battle for the ass end of the standings. Oakland was a bust of the sort that Buffalo was for Randie a couple of years ago, and the Bills put Randie in plastic that year almost single-handedly. Shawn, I feel your pain - watching Collins underthrow everyone and ignore Moss must be pretty frustrating. I'm sure you'll think twice before picking these underachievers next year. San Francisco's not much better... Dorsey looks like a deer in the headlights out there, and they're still making him throw the ball 40 times a game. All I can say is, don't take the first pick next year - it's a curse.

That's it for now - hope you all like the new blog format. The site is still in-progress, and we'd love to hear your comments. See you next write-up!

Posted by Lenny Herold at 12:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

by Randie Swanberg

All I can say is HOLY CRAP! I already penciled in 0-2 for me this weekend but great holy crap on a stick my teams actually pulled it off. The Bucs have finally found some good offense with Simms Jr. and put up 30 spot on a really good Atlanta D in Hotlanta! Again I was sure Tampa would not get another win after Simm's first couple of starts.

Must give these guys mad credit. They pulled off back to back road wins, scoring 30 or more in both games and taking the lead in the final 2 minutes. If that wasn't amazing enough, Da' Bears put a lickin' on Carolina IN Carolina. The Bears are starting to seem reminiscent of the Ravens team from a couple years ago...doin' it with D. They've allowed a league low 110 points this year. Can you say 8 count 'em 8 sacks on the day? Add 2 ints by that guy who ran back the missed FG for a TD last week, and you got yourselves a bitch slap. Steve Smith did have a huge day with 169 yards but ZERO TDs. As of now my two bag teams are #1 and #3 in total defense while Chicago leads the league in scoring defense allowing an average of 11 points a game and a measly 9 total TDs.

As the season winds down, here are the current standings:
Randie 14-6
Colin 9-11
Shawn 6-14
Lenny 5-15

I don't know what my magic number is. I'll have to ask F Shawn to plug in his abacus for me. I'm leading the league in PF - 375 and PA - 293. By comparison, Shawn's teams have combined to give up 519 points! How he isn't bag bound is beyond me. This weekend will be huge as BOTH Lenny's and Shawn's bag teams play each other. Fucking crazy right? The Fish travel to Oakland. Miami's on a little 3 game losing streak and may still be without QB sensation Gus Frerotte. Oakland should score at will here. God I'd love to be sitting with LDog this Sunday. Torn between his pride and his desire not to be sitting in his own ball sweat this summer. Tennessee hosts San Fran who are on 5 and 3 game losing streaks respectively. Lenny needs the sweep to get out of hefty peril while a FShawn sweep would crush all hopes. With a game in hand, a split is all Francis really needs.

The LT show rolls into DC this weekend so the Bolts should put a good licking on the Skins' 14th ranked run D. Cleveland's in a little trouble as Minnesota's on a three game winning streak. See what a little nautical punani will do for team morale!

Chicago travels to Tampa this weekend so I'm guaranteed a split ;(

Here's my picks for next year's bag lineup. Some are more obvious than others:

AFC East
NY Jets - I've already said my peace about this awful team. I just hope I don't get them. Herm's future is uncertain (thank god).

AFC North
Cleveland Browns - Baltimore should get a few more wins this year. This would make it back to back to back for the Browns and make them eligible for the GB Ring of Shame. Induction ceremony to be held at the Payoff 2006.

AFC South
Houston Texans - This one is pretty obvious. Welcome back! They had a huge letdown this year even though they have been showing signs of improvement.

AFC West
Oakland Raiders - As I expected, their schedule got the best of them this year. Couple that with playing in a really tough division and it's ba ba bag-age for the silver and black.

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles - They're only a game behind the Skins but no Donovan and games against Seattle, the Giants and Washington will make them the number one overall pick next year.

NFC North
Green Bay Packers - I think Murphy's Law anally raped the pack fans this year. They've had more runners than Pamplona. Farve's future is uncertain but don't they say that every year?

NFC South
New Orleans - Just the worst luck imaginable. Hard to give these guys too much shit. They lost their all pro running back early on and still don't know where they're playing next year.

NFC West
San Francisco - Just like the Browns, they're eligible for the Ring but not until 2007.

Have a Great Thanksgiving everyone.

Randie

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 01:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

by Randie Swwanberg

.....after further review, the call on the field stands. The 2 point conversion is good!
RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH as the crowd goes wild. Gruden has balls the size of casaba melons. That's two weeks in a row a coach has had the nuts to allow his team to get themselves a win in the final seconds. Now after further review, I didn't think Alstott made it but WHATEVER MAN! Grrr I'm loving my bag teams. Every dog has his day and after three years my picks have finally paid off. I distinctly remember at last season's payoff a collective hint of elation echoing out of my fellow bag-mates after I selected Tampa Bay with my first pick. Colin says to me, "why the hell did you take Tampa?" and I was like, "uh, I think Tennessee is going to really suck." Well, my bag team is better than your bag team, my bag team is better than your bag team, nah nah nah nah nah suck it!

In fact I was just commenting to Shawn the other night, over 162 beers at McSorley's, how Colin's bag teams have been beating up on the rest of us all year. The Skins beat the 49ers and Chicago and the Browns beat Chicago and Tennessee. So yes, before this weekend he was 4-0 in bag matchups. Super sweet revenge and many thanks to Chucky. Now I usually don't care about whether the Redskins win or lose but this was especially sweet as they are Colin's (2nd most bag wins) as well as Wendler's favorite team (I was playing Joe Joe in FF this weekend). In the end I got great points from Galloway and Portis and the Bucs won the game. In my other bag game, the Bears beat the 49ers and set a new NFL record with a 108 yard missed FG return for a TD. Once again it's double sweet as Bang Bang are my fantasy defense and that's 6 points. That makes it 2-0 and a weekend bag sweep! I think that should count for something don't you? If I do end up winning this thing I'll steal a page out of asshole and call out a presidential salute for my minions.
Speaking of minions, I can't remember who I was talking to because I was probably drunk, but the idea of creating a garbage bag farm team was being thrown around. Just like baseball, whoever gets the bag gets sent down and the winner of the minor league gets called up, and a consequential shot at being the overlord. Who's in? I know Barry wants some. Hey Barry! You're way cooler than your brother.

As far as the rest of the weekend goes, my two wins pushed me (12-6) ahead of Colin (8-10) by 4 games. Lenny (5-13) took a hit and him and Shawn (5-13) are now tied in the cinch.

OK so I wrote all of that last sunday night and was unable to perform my GB responsibilities as didn't get this submitted in time. I guess I need to ease up on my dissin' of Colin or I'll be sitting in a puddle of peanut butter funk right next to him. My apologies to my bag mates and all you bag lovers out there.

Look for the full week 11 write up coming soon.

Randie

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

by Colin Fitzgerald

 

Week 9 belonged to me. Although I did get a half assed write up in earlier in the year, this is my first true victory. Let me take this opportunity to bring everyone up to speed on life in Connecticut. Pretty much it is the same as everywhere else with the exception of professional sports, unless you count the WNBA. But technically that team’s home turf is on the Pequot reservation, so they aren’t technically part of the state. Speaking of which, why are we not afraid of the former Indians of this northern continent. These folks are pulling in billions of dollars in revenue while quietly paying their taxes. Fuck bin Laden, I am waiting for a fucking nuclear arrow head from Chief Patient-Justice.

 

My kids are so into Napoleon Dynamite that I keep looking outside for a Llama. The have Ligers on the brain, and are interested in become skilled with the Bo Staff. My dog has fleas. I have the smallest most pathetic little brindle Chihuahua in the word. I would think that the fleas have to jump off of her to have enough room to turn around. Yet the live, in her fury exterior, they thrive. I have washed her with flea and tick shampoo no less than three times this week. I give up. Fleas are all over the place, I want to execute my dog. Behead her and post it on a pet site to teach all other dogs that getting fleas is not acceptable. Also, I got a sweet boat.

 

On the course for the bag, we use our football shaped sexton, check the North Star and make our half journey adjustments. Keep your eyes open for what I will call: The Captain’s Blog… coming soon from a Lenny near you. Can’t wait… be sure to sign up when the announcement is sent out.

 

Colin: 8-8

 

Washington (5-3) 17 vs. Philadelphia (4-4) 10 WIN

The Redskins and Chief Gibbs clipped the wings of the Eagles and sent them walking back to the Liberty Bell on there swollen talons. The whole T.O. crap is just the icing on a cake of non-performance. The Eagles are just missing something. I have a feeling that behind McNabb’s wholesome exterior, that he is an arrogant ass. He can go eat the chunky soup from T.O.’s ass crack. And thank you for taking the lead role in the line of next years bag contenders. That’s right; last place in the NFC east. As a Skins fan, I may be jaded, but I think this team has to underdog capability to peak at just the right time in the season. The possibility of Shawn and Lenny stepping on my loin cloth is becoming less and less. But I won’t count my scalps until we make it through the plains of the middle season. The leaves have fallen and it smells like football. Next week we go for a bag win against Randie’s number one, Tampa Bay. We will make Gruden wear the Indian underwear, the kind that sneaks up and wipes you out!!!

 

Cleveland 20 (3-5) 20 vs. Tennessee (2-7) 14 WIN

Cleveland has added three valuable wins on my board. I don’t know how they happen but they do. I honestly don’t now much, other than any week can produce any result. This week was a sweet victory against Lenny’s lackluster Titans. It doesn’t take Zeus to knock these elemental powers back to Tennessee. Lenny, my team sucks, but your team really f’ing sucks. Good luck with that. The browns go the Pittsburg to get lathered in Heinz 57 sauce. I don’t see much in the way of hope, but you never know. Both of the Steeler’s losses have come at home. Ben Uselessburger is like a retard with broken legs who doesn’t know to stop walking. Anyone with a sibling or other emotional attachment to a sufferer for mental disabilities, please don’t take offense. Part of living in NE is using the word retard, it no longer has an association with any disease. For instance, the other part of living in NE is using the work Fag, which no longer has an association with sexuality. Like this, “Hey Shaw!?”

“Yeah!” replies Shawn

“You’re a fucking fagot retard.”

“Oh.” Shawn mumbles as he hangs his head. The oxygen from Shawn’s slowly inhaled breath has been robbed away; life seems to way heavy on his shoulders as his conscience absorbs his co-workers comments. But Shawn knows that Tim was right, he is a fagot retard. On the flip side, Tim thinks nothing of returning home to his gay lover, Corky.

 

 

Rolin: 10-5

 

Chicago (5-3) 20 vs. New Orleans (2-7) 17 WIN

Clock management and a whole lot of luck, and Muhsin Muhammad, gave the Bears the upper hand with a last second field goal to avoid overtime. I know that Bears attack and can be vicious and all, but the hibernate. Football is played in the winter; who the… what? Not a big win here. I understand that the hurricane hit… but that knuckleheads are rich. Katrina impacted them like a bout of bad gas after a night on the town. The Saints suck, the will suck for a long time. As for the Bears, despite their curious name, they have done Randie well. I hope they start to lose a lot.

 

Tampa Bay (Gay) 14 vs. Carolina (6-2) 34 LOSS

I hate Tampa Bay and their coach… what a loser. This game was commonly referred to as‘Domination’ by the Panthers. I think they are starting some homeless guy at QB this weekend… good thing the league doesn’t test for Ripple. Jesus Christ almighty. JG is a moron, and his face need to be cut off. But I will take it because the Skins have a good chance to shut down what is commonly referred as (but can’t quit be in the Bay) offense in Tampa. I don’t sense too many firings of the canon this weekend.

 

Sholin 5-11

 

San Francisco (2-6) 6 vs. New York Giants (6-2) 24 LOSS

Now here we enter the land of the hopeless. Shawn joins Lenny in picking 2 of the 4 worst teams in all history. I am waiting for mini Manning to get hit so hard that he forgets that his brother is fucking Kenny Chesney; but this has yet to happen. This bag season must not be fun for Shawnny this year, his only hope is to not wear the bag. San Francisco is so bad that you can’t even really comment. Shawn and Len are virtually tied for the cinch sack, and it looks as though it will be a race to the finish. San Francis will go the Chicago, get stuffed into deep pans and delivered back to the bay area in defeat.

 

Oakland (3-5) 23 vs. Kansas City (5-3) 27 LOSS

Don’t believe the hype. Flavor Flav wouldn’t even have picked Oakland with the number one overall draft pick. But they were expected to do great things. They don’t do it though, week after week. It’s at the point now where even a win feels like a let down. Shawn is probably watching Lenny’s teams more that his own, hoping for losses of his bag-mates rather than hoping for wins for himself. Denver comes down from the mountain this weekend. They will deliver a blizzard of touch downs and rushing yards. The Raiders will spend hours after the game looking for their owner’s strange looking sun glasses under the stadium seats. Looks like another 2 and 0 for F. Shizzle.

 

Lolin 5-12

 

Tennessee (2-7) 14 vs. Cleveland 20 (3-5) 20 LOSS

Le Titans. This group has to stop taking the free tours at the Jack Daniel’s facility on Saturdays. Or something, the routine has to change. The Tennessee Titans are performing as well as Shawn Juan’s Francis co. And that is ok by me. My browns needed the boost and the Titans delivered, Milk Bones for everybody. This weekend Tennessee has off, not that they deserve it, but they do. Perhaps this will give them time to scout the nations high schools before the but Thanksgiving games. The ethnically ambiguous McNair claims that they are learning from losing. Well, he is going to be a fucking doctor by the end of the season, because shit isn’t going to get better for these assholes. Keep losing guys, thanks.

 

Miami (3-5) 10 vs. Atlanta (6-2) 17 LOSS

Even the coach says they don’t look so good. When the ball is not being run, that don’t look so good. I am surprised at the lack of hubbub around Ricky. He most be damaged from all that crap. He was never a loud guy, but man… one interview on 60 minutes and it is back to work. Miami is actually convincing themselves that they can beat the Patriots this weekend. Well, good luck with that, guys. Even with the Pats getting spanked a few times this season, Miami won’t get their hands on that ass. So keep wearing that aqua marine with that stupid frigging dolphin wearing a dumb ass college helmet with an orange fucking M on the side and keep losing you bong hitting losers. Lenny and Shaw are toast.

 

That is it for now. Shawn is going to try to get me to wear a jock strap with peanut butter smeared in it. This seems extreme given that it seems potentially worse that wearing the garbage bag it self. We will see what happens.

 

Take care, and keep an eye out for that blog. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

Posted by Colin Fitzgerald at 10:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

By: Shawn Fitzgerald

Yes, much like MJ, I only need to say 2 words:

"I'm back."

But it may not be for long. Oakland and San Fran are just too problematic to expect my ascension to continue to the overlord position. I am holding out hope that I can escape the bag. We will see my friends, we will see.

A miserable performance this weekend by Farve. He threw 5 INTs and is therefore the recipient of the Joe-Joe Wendler "What is your hand doing in my pocket?!" award. Farve lost a bit more of his luster this game as his skills continue to erode.

Dante Culpepper thankfully ended his season this week by shredding his knee (tearing his ACL, MCL, and PCL). After his poor start and the debacle on the SS Whore-a-lot, it was just time to be over. Kind of like sitting through the final ten minutes of a movie that's conflict has been resolved and is inexplicably continuing. Ahoy, young Culpepper! It be back to the high seas with you!

It was an emotional return for Tedy Bruschi this week in NE. The Patriots faithful are counting on him to patch up and lead an absolutely miserable defense. They were still porous, but Tedy was in on more than 80% of the defensive plays and also saw some special teams action. Is there an athlete with a more perfect last name? I don't think so. There would have to be a NASCAR driver named Steve Chugalap or Rick Getdrunkandturnleft to better him. To top it off he's a great player. What more can you ask for. Welcome back Tedy. McMassive game against the Colts next Monday. If the defense can make Peyton do his two-hands-palms-to-the-sky-head-flopping-forward-in-frustration-move, I will be very pleased. Very pleased.

On to the games!

Randie: 9-5, PF: 245, PA: 168, TDs: 28

Chicago (4-3) 19 vs. Detroit Lions (3-4) 13
After Joey Harrington's exile, Jeff Garcia was trying to save the season. He succeeded in giving this game away with his overtime interception that was returned for a TD. More bad news came in the form of a leg injury. Joey Harrington is slated as the starter this coming weekend. Not good for Lions fans. I don't care how good he is at the piano, how smooth he is on camera, or how good he looks on a billboard in Herold Square. The kid can't play quarterback in the NFL. Much like the career of Steve Guttenberg, he will probably pick up elsewhere and inexplicably get another chance. The Lions fans have now lived through Police Academy's 1-3. I don't think they want to see the rest of the series. Somehow Kyle Orton has Chicago in the driver's seat for the NFC North.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10 vs. San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15
This was Chris Simms big chance to come off the bench and show everyone that he was not just "Phil Simms' kid". He managed to throw for 264 yards and a TD, but failed to beat the lowly 49ers. I'm sure he walked into this game thinking he was going to clean house on the 3rd string QB from SF, but he was the one who failed. His performance was much like my GI Joe "Storm Shadow" Ninja costume of the mid 80s. I was beyond fired up about GI Joe at this point and was nearing complete obsession with this ninja. I convinced myself that I could make a cool costume and not have to buy anything. I made a "throwing star" out of Popsicle sticks and toothpicks. I wrapped my head in bandages so that I could get the "layered effect" that the GI Joe guy had. I wrapped my wrists too! Then I wore all white and tried to draw the "Cobra" insignia on the chest of my white turtle neck. I was peaking! This was going to be the best Halloween ever! Then I got strep throat. I told my Mom I was going anyway. She okay'd the deal and I was off! I went to the first house and the old lady asked me if I was a mummy. Then the second house asked if I was a hospital patient. Things got worse from here. I took to coming to the door in a karate stance with my bag out. This did no good either. All of my plans foiled by lack of ninja knowledge. I'm sure Chris Simms shared my agony this weekend.

Colin: 6-8, PF: 229, PA: 261, TDs: 24

Washington Redskins (4-3) 0 vs Giants (5-2) 36
This was the "beat down du jour". A lot was made of the passing of Wellington Mara. How he was such a "league guy" and he'd do anything for the NFL and the Giants. Well, give me a break. The dude was named "Wellington". I'm sure he counted money all day and took a break now and then to have some caviar. Everyone should really be thanking him for a reason to get cocked on Sunday and watch a sporting event. That is the end of his contribution to society. You have given men a reason to get blotto on the Sabbath, and it has become somehow socially acceptable. For this we are grateful, but enough with the reach arounds. Eli and Tiki destroyed the Skins defense and led the team to a 36-0 win. They were the kids in the neighbor hood that were packing eggs, tomatoes, shaving cream, and a fire extinguisher that they stole from under the sink. They destroyed every group of kids they came across and stole their candy. The Redskins went home empty handed, bruised, covered in egg, shaving cream, and chemical retardant. Bad times. On a personal note, I was the idiot who "tested" the fire extinguisher before we went out. Then when it came time to use it, all of the pressure had leaked out. So, I basically lugged this thing around for hours for nothing. Young and stupid.

Cleveland Browns (2-5) 16 vs. Houston Texans (1-6) 19
Trent Dilfer is the dentist in your neighborhood that hands out toothbrushes for Halloween. It's hard to hate him because after all he is a dentist, but toothbrushes are as low as a Halloween treat can go. My Dad gave them out one year when I was about 3, and I even knew it was lame and wrong then. For shame DAD! Dilfer was playing for his job this week, and it looks like Charlie Frye will be in next week. Dilfer didn't make any mistakes (0 INTs), but he just isn't an answer. When the head coach says things like: "I would like for our guys to catch the ball. I would like for us not to fumble. I would like for us to make the plays we need to make."You know the Browns are really "toothbrush handing out bad".

Lenny: 5-10, PF: 297, PA: 345, TDs: 31

Miami Dolphins (3-4) 21 vs. New Orleans Saints (2-6) 6
Nick Saban won in his return to Baton Rouge. The Saints are a lot like Randie was in his Zombie Sid Vicious costume. You look once and it is really creepy. You know something just isn't right. You want to stop looking but you can't. Much too scary and real. When he took the teeth out, it brought him back to normal a bit, but the make up was still creepy. Watching the Saints flounder this season is much the same. Your not 100% sure what is going on with them. They try really hard sometimes, then they just hang out on the field at other times. Meanwhile, Ricky Williams is getting himself back in playing shape. All late night taco trips have been suspended until further notice.

Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25 vs Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34
A bitter sweet game for Lenny. His beloved Raiders won, but they also kicked him down to even with me in the win column. I have a game in hand, which in baseball terms would put Lenny a ½ game back, and directly in the clutches of the much feared cinch sack. Lenny is dependent on McNair's broken back, Travis Henry staying off the pipe, and the no name receiving corps. The Titans have a bye next week to think about their future. Must be kind of like pondering whether to show up at your phone sex job or not. You don't really want to go, but you have to get paid, and their expecting you to show up. Lenny, might be time to put on the Raiders Jersey and just order some delivery weed. The Titans are not your friends.

Shawn: 5-9, PF: 273, PA: 380, TDs: 31

Oakland Raiders (3-4) 34 vs Tennessee Titans (2-6) 25
Norv Turner finally took the pumpkin off his head and realized that he could give the ball to Lamont Jordan 25+ times a game, he could carry the team. The fact that Randie Moss is banged up does not bode well. However, since Jordan is running through the opposing defenses like a 16 year old can run through the woods in a vampire costume with a 12-pack of Natty Light under his arm as the party gets broken up by the cops, I'd say things are looking up.

San Francisco 49ers (2-5) 15 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2) 10
Everyone on Earth had TB winning this game. The 49ers succeeded in trading away their only "good" (I use that term loosely) QB to Tampa Bay, minutes before the trade deadline closed. So, when Alex Smith went down last week, they had to tap Ken Dorsey for the start, as they watched Tim Rattay sit on the opposite sidelines. I'm sure there were many "talks" with the personnel department. I have always had a weird "Doug Flutie-esque" belief in Dorsey for some inexplicable reason. Some guys just know how to win. Dorsey destroyed college football. He had a few mediocre to poor games with SF in the past years, but I felt he was due for a break out game. Well, that didn't happen. The 49ers won the game, but not due in any part to Ken's 7 for 18 and 40 yard passing performance before leaving with a leg injury, or his replacement Cody Pickett's 1 for 1 and 10 yards passing. Dismal. They won on 5 field goals. The 49ers were the kids in the neighborhood that roll up on the house with the big old apple basket piled with full sized bags of M&Ms and Milky Ways with a sign stuck in it that says "ONLY TAKE ONE OR ELSE!!!". They completely disregarded the warning and took all of the candy making their Halloween a roaring success. Tim Rattay's bag remained empty, as he sat on the sidelines yet again. Gnarly 49ers update: They just signed Jesse Palmer to be their 3rd QB. I'm sure all the bachelor fans out in SF are thrilled! "HeeeeeEYYYY JessssseeeeeeeeeEEEEEEE!!!

After a wonderful Halloween weekend, I thought it would be a proper time to reflect on celebrations past. During my sophomore year, Halloween was on the Saturday of a home football game, which meant there would be an all day bender of tailgates, funnels, shot guns, and chugging. The perfect storm of costumed-beer-drinking-football-infused-fun. We usually dressed up for tailgates anyway. We had a decent dragon costume with a big huge foam tail that I wore a couple times. I had a gas station attendant's outfit with a "Smokey" name patch I got at Army/Navy (I'm guessing you can only find that in PA or the deep south). But, this weekend we had to pull out every thing we could think of. Obviously, there was nothing else to do but dress up as Kiss. I got to be Gene Simmons. Aanen was Peter Criss, Dilatush was Ace, and Scott Duncan was Paul. The weather conspired against us that day. It was pouring rain and about 48 degrees. We woke early and blasted "Destroyer" as we geared up (black wigs, face paint, black clothes) and had a few eye opener Black Labels. After getting dressed, we loaded up Aanen's girl-of-the-month's 4-Runner with the generator, speakers, stereo and as much Black Label as we could fit. After a short ride over the mountain we rolled up to the tailgate spot. Things were deserted. A usually rollicking crowd was non-existent on the wet and frigid morning. Then again we got there as soon as the police opened the field. So, many people were probably still asleep. We set up the party patrol gear and got "Destroyer" cranking out again. There were several group Kiss shotguns, then others started to arrive. Things began to get very hazy. I don't recall much more than running around in the rain drunk off my ass and doing my best to catch pneumonia. However, I do recall Ace's (Todd's) parents were there and witnessed much of the debauchery. As game time closed in on us, everyone started wandering into the game. The thing about Lehigh games was that none of the students went in, they just showed up to get tanked. So, as everyone was leaving and throwing their grills over, Ace (Todd) and I managed to jack a whole igloo cooler full of Budweiser. This was a veritable treasure chest considering we had been drinking Black Label, Meister Brau, Birds Brew, Schlitz, and Natty Bo all day. We quickly moved our find into the back of the 4-Runner. Behind the "liberated" cooler we hastily threw in the speakers, stereo and generator. There was no crap beer left…obviously. So, Peter (Aanen) wheeled us out of the field and back on the road. No one could drive, he just happened to have the keys. Before you could make the turn to go back over the mountain, you had to go past a police check point. The line of cars gets very long, because the cops look into each car quickly as you drive by. As we rolled up they looked in and saw four annihilated guys dressed up like Kiss hauling around a generator and a bunch of speakers. I guess they just didn't want to deal with us so they waved us through and we were on our way up the mountain. About half way up the car slowed down and sputtered. Peter (Aanen) announced that we were out of gas. In our haste to get to tailgates we forgot about gas for the truck. D'oh! Then Ace (Todd) screams out "I've got an idea!" He opens up the stolen cooler, grabs a beer and jumps out of the truck. The three of us stare at each other. Obviously having a beer would be great, but we just passed a DUI check point, so it probably isn't the best place for a party. We decide to get out to see what he's doing. We get to the back of the truck just in time to see him chugging the beer that he got out of the cooler. When he finishes, he throws the can on the ground and then opens the tailgate of the truck and rips out the generator. It comes crashing to the ground. While all of this is going on there is a steady stream of cars rolling by us. He then whips out a swiss army knife and cuts the top off the can he just chugged. Next he unscrews the gas cap on the generator and tips it over to pour the gas into the empty can. Ingenious!!!! So, we poured gas into the can, then poured the gas into the car. Keep in mind that all the people in the cars driving by us at about 7 miles per hour are only seeing 4 guys dressed up like Kiss hanging out by their truck and pouring beers into it. I like to think there was a whole generation of kids that we corrupted with that move. After the truck was gassed up we went back over the house and set up chairs in the shower. We sat around in there with all of the shower heads on drinking the stolen cooler of beer for the next hour and a half. During that time Todd's Dad came to the house to visit him and found him hanging out on a chair in the shower drinking stolen beers and yelling incoherently.

Happy Frat-tastic Halloween!

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