Sunday afternoon, I was at Yankee Stadium watching the last home game of the regular season. Unless you live in a cave (or Canadia), you know there are three ridiculous races going on in the AL, and that this is the last week of the season. Unlike baseball in June, though, there are other games in town, and apparently the NFL doesn't think they need to compete with anyone... so they decided to schedule ALL BUT THREE games at 1pm, opposite all the East coast baseball games. Fuck you very much Tagliabue! I mean, we all know how great the NFL is, but you didn't have to rub it in my face you fucking donut puncher! I was reduced to asking Randie what the Raiders score was every 10 minutes and oh by the way, how many yards does T.O. have? What about Randy?

Since Tagliabue doesn't give a rat's ass what I think, I had to miss the entire slate of early games, and of course there were a bevy of amazing finishes. You've seen all of those commercials for the Bush-Clinton Katrina relief fund? Well I'm starting my own fund. I'm collecting donations of shit. I plan to put all the donations in a big bag, then light it on fire and leave it in front of the doors of the NFL's offices on Park Avenue. Who's with me?!

I did get to watch the late games at a bar in Astoria run by one Arthur Mueller Sr., a fine upstanding gentleman who eventually sent me home in much worse shape than I met him in. Any bar that has an OTB upstairs is my kind of place.

I decided instead of doing an extensive analysis of all the games, I would provide commentary via haiku this week. For the dopes who don't know what that is (you know who you are):

hai·ku    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (hk)
n. pl. haiku, also hai·kus

1. A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
2. A poem written in this form.

Jets must have Gang Green
Curtis, Chad and Fiedler broke
Time to amputate

Big Blue feeling blue
Archie told the Bolts "no way"
Bolts said "you keep him"

Daunte's off the schneid
Pick on someone with a home!
Saints miss Lucky Dogs

Vinatieri!
Really starting to hate him
Not like Brady though

Steelers masturbate
With Randle El's "bonehead play"
They won't miss Rodney

A meteor game
Chiefs offense shaves nuts for bucks
Stop beating your girl

On to the bag games....!

Shawn (1-3, PF: 119, PA: 177, TDs: 15)

Dallas (2-1-0) 34, San Francisco (1-2-0) 31

Ex-Pats better now
San Fran carrying Shitzy
Headed for drawstrings

Offense looked real good
Then Drew and Meshawn hooked up
Dipped Shawn in Hefty

Oakland (0-3-0) 20, Philadelphia (3-0-0) 23

Defense shouldn't suck
Kerry needs sauce, can't find Moss
Worse than Jay Schroeder

First pick hasn't been
This bad since Buffalo
Norv Turner Death Watch

Randie (4-2, PF: 141, PA: 54, TDs:14)

Tampa Bay (3-0-0) 17, Green Bay (0-3-0) 16

Pewter is for real
Their Caddy is the league's best
Pack pissed on kicker

Tragedy for Favre
Hurricanes destroyed his house
And 7 picks too

Cincinnati (3-0-0) 24, Chicago (1-2-0) 7

Chi-ca-go bang bang
Johnson emulates Deion
Missing Rex Grossman

Orton's no Carson
You'll never win with 5 picks
Phew! Next week's a bye

Lenny (3-3, PF: 124, PA: 129, TDs: 14)

Tennessee (1-2-0) 27, St. Louis (2-1-0) 31

Pickoffs a plenty
Like college, but in the pros.....
Stupid fucking Vols

Should be 2-1
Thought T. Henry would be good
Shoulda grabbed the Bucs

Carolina (1-2-0) 24, Miami (2-1-0) 27

Is Saban for real?!?
A "Steve Smith Gone Wild" movie
Jake didn't see him

Rooting for the Fish
Makes me feel dirty inside
Could have had the 'Skins

Colin (3-2, PF: 68, PA: 84, TDs: 6)

Cleveland (1-2-0) 6, Indianapolis (3-0-0) 13

Colts D? What the fuck?!
Heard Peyton loves Kenny Chesney....
Guess he REALLY sucks

If Dilfer is QB
It's gonna be a long year
"Colin, here's your paint"

That's it for this week. See ya next writeup!

Lenny