The first month of the NFL season sucks. Gimme a second to explain before you get all Dirty Harry on me.

Sunday afternoon, I was at Yankee Stadium watching the last home game of the regular season. Unless you live in a cave (or Canadia), you know there are three ridiculous races going on in the AL, and that this is the last week of the season. Unlike baseball in June, though, there are other games in town, and apparently the NFL doesn't think they need to compete with anyone... so they decided to schedule ALL BUT THREE games at 1pm, opposite all the East coast baseball games. Fuck you very much Tagliabue! I mean, we all know how great the NFL is, but you didn't have to rub it in my face you fucking donut puncher! I was reduced to asking Randie what the Raiders score was every 10 minutes and oh by the way, how many yards does T.O. have? What about Randy?

Since Tagliabue doesn't give a rat's ass what I think, I had to miss the entire slate of early games, and of course there were a bevy of amazing finishes. You've seen all of those commercials for the Bush-Clinton Katrina relief fund? Well I'm starting my own fund. I'm collecting donations of shit. I plan to put all the donations in a big bag, then light it on fire and leave it in front of the doors of the NFL's offices on Park Avenue. Who's with me?!

I did get to watch the late games at a bar in Astoria run by one Arthur Mueller Sr., a fine upstanding gentleman who eventually sent me home in much worse shape than I met him in. Any bar that has an OTB upstairs is my kind of place.

I decided instead of doing an extensive analysis of all the games, I would provide commentary via haiku this week. For the dopes who don't know what that is (you know who you are):

hai·ku    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (hk)
n. pl. haiku, also hai·kus

1. A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
2. A poem written in this form.

Jets must have Gang Green
Curtis, Chad and Fiedler broke
Time to amputate

Big Blue feeling blue
Archie told the Bolts "no way"
Bolts said "you keep him"

Daunte's off the schneid
Pick on someone with a home!
Saints miss Lucky Dogs

Vinatieri!
Really starting to hate him
Not like Brady though

Steelers masturbate
With Randle El's "bonehead play"
They won't miss Rodney

A meteor game
Chiefs offense shaves nuts for bucks
Stop beating your girl

On to the bag games....!

Shawn (1-3, PF: 119, PA: 177, TDs: 15)

Dallas (2-1-0) 34, San Francisco (1-2-0) 31

Ex-Pats better now
San Fran carrying Shitzy
Headed for drawstrings

Offense looked real good
Then Drew and Meshawn hooked up
Dipped Shawn in Hefty

Oakland (0-3-0) 20, Philadelphia (3-0-0) 23

Defense shouldn't suck
Kerry needs sauce, can't find Moss
Worse than Jay Schroeder

First pick hasn't been
This bad since Buffalo
Norv Turner Death Watch

Randie (4-2, PF: 141, PA: 54, TDs:14)

Tampa Bay (3-0-0) 17, Green Bay (0-3-0) 16

Pewter is for real
Their Caddy is the league's best
Pack pissed on kicker

Tragedy for Favre
Hurricanes destroyed his house
And 7 picks too

Cincinnati (3-0-0) 24, Chicago (1-2-0) 7

Chi-ca-go bang bang
Johnson emulates Deion
Missing Rex Grossman

Orton's no Carson
You'll never win with 5 picks
Phew! Next week's a bye

Lenny (3-3, PF: 124, PA: 129, TDs: 14)

Tennessee (1-2-0) 27, St. Louis (2-1-0) 31

Pickoffs a plenty
Like college, but in the pros.....
Stupid fucking Vols

Should be 2-1
Thought T. Henry would be good
Shoulda grabbed the Bucs

Carolina (1-2-0) 24, Miami (2-1-0) 27

Is Saban for real?!?
A "Steve Smith Gone Wild" movie
Jake didn't see him

Rooting for the Fish
Makes me feel dirty inside
Could have had the 'Skins

Colin (3-2, PF: 68, PA: 84, TDs: 6)

Cleveland (1-2-0) 6, Indianapolis (3-0-0) 13

Colts D? What the fuck?!
Heard Peyton loves Kenny Chesney....
Guess he REALLY sucks

If Dilfer is QB
It's gonna be a long year
"Colin, here's your paint"

That's it for this week. See ya next writeup!

Lenny

Posted by Lenny Herold at 08:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

By Randie Swanberg

I was sitting in a bar in Toronto last sunday and watching the 4:00 games. I was drinking "The Great Taste of Canada in a Bottle," LaBatt's Blue which tastes like a combination of shit in a tin can and shit. But it's everywhere. I felt like a toothless ex-hockey player recruited by a couple of loser 30 somethings who live with their parents. They were trying to over throw the Evil Brewmaster but needed my help battling a couple of stormtrooper clad psychotic hockey teams, okay. I felt a little weird, like they spiked my beer! Really, okay? All I wanted was to sit and have a beer ay? And then I was like, whoa in the movie it was Elsinore Beer and not Labatt's and that the drug probably wasn't a mind control drug but my Rogers Centre malaise. You see Lily and I went to the Yankees games there this weekend and there's some shit that goes on there in Canadia that we just couldn't believe. The crowd of 30,000ish was so fucking quiet you could hear a mouse fart. I mean nada, zilch, not a peep, we could whisper to each other easily. There were a couple of losers in front of us who were sort of cheering. We started making fun of them when no one else in the stadium would jump in with them and the girl stands up and asks if we would help them start the wave? Start the wave? It was the 8th in a 2 run game with runners in scoring position and you want to start the god forsaken wave? Listen I'm sorry I'm a bit stuck on the wave thing but...but that's baseball and I must digress...

Ok. I was fortunate that the Fish vs Jets game was on. Oh I was so proud of my week 1 fish but somehow I knew the ride would be short lived. It was bittersweet, of course, as Sven has them as a bag team. So I really wanted them to play really hard and come real close but lose the game. That's right lose the game. I expected them to suck this year. I've wanted them to suck for years! This team has wallowed in mediocrity for my entire life! In order for them to return to championship form the must hit rock bottom. Well rock bottom lasts a few years, that is, unless they made some stunning off season acquisitions that I was unaware of. Oh, aside from Gus Frerotte. Yeah I don't see any signs of improvement here. I don't even see the potential for improvement. Not this year anyway. Maybe when the dope fiend returns. Don't get me wrong I like Saban and what he's doing but I'm still bitter about the organization's decision to let Gus Frerotte and AJ Feely Battle out the QB spot this year. Have fun with them Len.

It was an 0-for-weekend for the reigning Overlord, perhaps foreshadowing some horrible weeks to come. Business as usual for the Frisco Kids dropping some huge Lenny sized ass gas on the field. So poor Fitzy has to rely on the original Silver and Black (butt) Pirates for W's but their tough schedule may yet make him Ye Overlord of Cornstarch.

Colin went 2-0 this weekend but I got the write up on points. Right now we're both tied for the Overlord at 3-1on the heels of the miraculous come from behind win by the Skins last Monday night.

On to the baggage...

Shawn (1-3, PF: 68, PA: 120, TDs: 9)

San Fran (1-1-0) 3, Philadelphia (1-1-0) 42

This was a classic smackdown in the style of a UF vs. Middle Tennessee State game. The niners gave up almost 600 yards of total offense while achieving a whopping 142 yards of their own. TO, in his first apperance back in the bay had five catches for 143 yards in the first 20 minutes! The 49ers waited 'til things got really out of hand and then inserted first round draft pick Alex Smith who went 0 for 1 on the last drive of the game. Things don't get easier for the 49ers as a seemingly resurgent Big D rolls into town. At least things are back to normal for Shawn...dogs and cats were not sleeping together in week 2.

Kansas City (2-0-0) 23, Oakland (0-2-0) 17

So I guess the Chief's D is for real. It certainly saved their ass in the first couple of weeks. They apparently had three guys covering Moss on a fourth and goal from the 10 with 1:58 to go. How does that leave no one open? Poor Poor Lenny and Poor Shawn. As if losing a close one at home to a division rival isn't enough, the Raiders travel to Philly this week. Clearly a battle of the top WRs. I think it will be the Philly D that will chop the offense into little pieces spread, them out and douse them with cheeze whiz and eat them like a sandwich from South Street.

Randie (3-1, PF: 88, PA: 31, TDs:11)

Buffalo (1-1-0) 3, Tampa Bay (2-0-0) 19

Ca Ca Ca Cadillac. I think the fish took the wrong Auburn back. This kid started out the season with back to back 100 yard performances, making him a premiere fantasy pickup. This week he did it on a bum ankle. The Bucs D is definitely back holding McGahee to 34 yards on 13 carries and second year QB JP Losman to 12 of 29 for 113 yards and 3 picks. Man my defenses are KILLING! I should not have to worry about Points Allowed if it comes down to a tiebreaker. It's the battle of the Bays this weekend as the Bucs roll up to the not-so-frozen tundra to battle a bleeding Packers team. Normally I'd say that Favre would have a huge rebound game after his dimal start but the Bucs defense is playing too good right now so look for the them go shock everyone and start the season 3-0.

Detroit (1-1-0) 6, Chicago (1-1-0) 38

Joooeeey. Joooeey Haaaringtoon. Come out and plaaayyy. Sorry Joey can't come out today, he's still ashamed of throwing 5 picks (one returned for a touchdown) last week. Wow does this guy suck. I never understood the hype. The Bears almost scored for the touchdown cycle: 2 rushing TD, passing TD, int return for TD, punt return for TD. All they needed was a fumble return for TD and a kickoff return for TD. The true test for the Defense will come this weekend when the also surprising offensive juggernaut Cincinnati Bengals come to town. Chad Johnson's already had a lot to say (what else is new), and he'll get his yards but the Bears bring in their 7th ranked D. Many people are picking the Bears to win their division (mostly because all the other teams in the North suck).

Lenny (2-2, PF: 73, PA: 71, TDs: 8)

Baltimore (0-2-0) 10, Tennessee (1-1-0) 25

Pretty lame game apparently. Baltimore has no offense to speak of what with Anthony Wright leading the charge. Tennessee got up early, taking prisoner #23789912 Lewis out of the game. The Titans D gave up 424 yards of offense last week vs Pittsburgh so this was a nice little ego boost for them. This week they go to St, Louis. I don't know what to make of the Rams this year so this is a tough one to call.

Miami (1-1-0) 7, NY Jets (1-1-0) 17

Zee poisonous fish will kill you faster zan zee bullet! Excuse me did you say poisonous fish? Yes! The Jets were embarrassed in week 1 so I knew they'd take it out on the fish. The Dolphins D held them in the game until the 4th when Frerotte put them on the board to make it 10-7. But Chad and Co. actually showed some chutzpah and drove down the field to seal the victory. Two more games and the fish may have a running game! If Ricky can't come in and carry the team literally on his back like he did two years ago then the fish are in the deep frier. Extra crispy sir! Miami hosts Carolina this week who just came off an unbelievable upset of the defending Superbowl Champions so what do you think's gonna happen?

Colin (3-1, PF: 62, PA: 71, TDs: 6)

Cleveland (1-1-0) 26, Green Bay (0-2-0) 24

Oh the pain and suffering. Things are really fucked up in Green Bay when lowly Cleveland comes in and steals a victory. The Packers D made the ageless balding wonder Trent Dilfer look good by throwing for 336 yards and 3 touchdowns. Sloppy play by GB helped Cleveland to their first W of the year but don't get your hopes up. The Browns travel to Indy this week so expect to see a lot of Dwight Freeney sitting on Dilfer's head.

Washington (2-0-0) 14, Dallas (1-1-0) 13

Unbelievable! Crazy Comeback. This one was bittersweet as well. I was happy for Santana Moss and the pure fact that it was happening but sad Colin gets the W. I just wish I could have known so I didn't have to watch all that ineptitude and just tune in for the last 3 minutes. The skins have a bye buy by and then host Seattle.

Later Party People!

Randie

Posted by Randie Swanberg at 01:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

By: F. ShawnFitzgerald

Da-Da-Da-DAAAAH, Da-Da-Da-DAAAAH, Da-Da-Da-DA! DA! DA!

Ahoy me friends! Welcome to another wonderful year on the high seas of the Garbage Bag bet. The slate has been wiped clean for this new season. We are all trying to claw our way out of the bag. Who will be the last man tearing uselessly at the plastic with his finger nails while he slowly runs out of oxygen? Only time will tell. Let's just say this first week was an eye opener in the NFL...

The Pats got off to a good start. After a few hiccups (or maybe that was just me after the $1Absolut & Red Bull specials at Joshua Tree...no man is meant to drink 5 redbulls in one sitting...) like the super bomb to Randy Moss, they got on track and handed the Silver and Black their first loss of the season. Me, Crane and Herr Leonard watched the game in HiDef over at Gator-Dave's pad. Gooooooood stuff! There was much yelling and talk of "penetrating the backfield". I was juiced and the Rodney Harrison jersey did not let me down. Also, the punting in this game warrants mentioning (I know, I know...you're saying "Punting, what thefuck?!?!"...). Twice the Pats pinned Oak-town inside their own 5 yard line, effectively handcuffing the offense. Unreal, I've never seen that before. I also think the double TE set for the Pats is going to be monstrous. Watson and Graham are beasts. As an extra bonus, Lenny and I had a side bet. The loser has to drink a 40oz of St.Ides whenever the winner said. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Quick Hits:

Let's start with the Jets...ah...wow! Chad fumbled 2 times and threw an interception. Generally he looked like he was getting mugged as soon as the ball was snapped. Even from the shotgun, as soon as the ball was in his hands he had at least 2 guys hanging on him, he'd just crumble as he tried to keep the ball from flying out of his hands again. The picture reminded me of trying to move from one room to another with something that Colin's kids want. They are a team and they are relentless. One on the leg. Another on one arm with scratching finger nails to the back of the next. The third one usually straight up punching you in the nads or in the upper gut where it really hurts. I feel for you Chad, I really do. While this attack in the back field was going on, Coles was dropping passes in the open. Is the KC defense for real,who knows, but it was real enough for the Jets.

The Falcons looked like they were pumped up on crystalmeth and OE800 for their game against the Eagles. Mathis got into a brawl with Trotter before the game even started. Best part of the fight was the 140 pound ref in the middle of 2 masses of professional athletes,trying to break it up. As he was getting carried along in the wave of testosterone, he feebly grabbed his penalty flag and threw it in the air. Maybe it was supposed to be some type of SOS signal, but it just looked pathetic. Both Mathis and Trotter were ejected, allowing Vick and Dunn to run at will on the Eagles...which they did. Vick also had a perfect bomb to Jenkins for a TD. There will beno more ÒdisrespectinÕÓ in ATL.

Finally, the Saints somehow put together an emotional win in Carolina. As we NYers can attest,the type of tragedy the gulf coast went through is both physically and emotionally scarring. As we will never be the same after 9/11, they too will carry the scar from Hurricane Katrina. So, the fact that these guys could be coherent enough to win a football game against a good Panthers team while worrying about their homes, families, and friends is astounding. I think I was in blackout for about a week after 9/11 and all of my possessions, family and friends were fine...a true testament to the character of the players, coaches and the entire organization that they can focus to the point of willing themselves to victory. Raise up a hurricane to this Saints victory if you've got one, pray for Patty O's...The only good news I heard was Molly's is actually serving ice cold beer. Where there is a will to get hammered,New Orleans will find a way. That's the New Orleans I know and love. Here's the story:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/05/katrina.bars.reut/

For whom does the bag toll this year???? My best guess would be myself or Colin. On to the teams!

Shawn (1-1, PF: 48, PA: 55, TDs: 7)

Oakland Raiders (0-1) After a long Bomb to Moss, things quieted down. Brady and the boys dismantled them. I will take this loss to continue the dominance of the WORLD CHAMPION NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. The defense looked good until the oldmen got tired and had to pull out the walkers and oxygen. I liked the rookie Whitten, Randy Moss,and Lamont Jordan. I did not like the alcohol-free Kerry Collins. He is one slip away from dropping N-bombs in the locker room and quitting the team. Maybe Randy can give him soweed. After all he only smokes "once in a blue moon".

San Francisco 49ers (1-0) How in the name of all that is Holy did these guys win a game??? I'm astounded. I'm excited. I'm perturbed. Up is black. Down is Man. White is woman. Ion sofused(to steal a term form the great pornographer "Chris Field" and his duffle bagof problems). Mike Martz has officially taken a dump in the playbook now. He has thought himself into a loss to the 49ers.

Lenny "Let's-Make-It-Sporting" Herold (1-1, PF: 41, PA: 44,TDs: 5)

Miami Dolphins (1-0) Nick Saban has made believers out of the football world. After seeing the Dolphins D look so confused and Frerotte look so inept in the preseason, I truly thought the 'Phins were sunk. But, they were EN FUEGO this week! Even Randy McMichael's sentence of 3 months probation for being cocked and punching his wife Cawanna in the face and giving her a bloody nose (Randy said, "Bitch wouldn't listen! Randy gonna do what Randy gotta do!" and then he slapped his own chest 2 times) couldn't slow the offensive juggernaut of the Dolphins. Ricky Williams didn't get any carries. He sat on a mat in thelocker room and repeated his mantra... "I owe $8 million...I owe $8 million..."

Tennessee Titans (0-1) A healthy Steve McNair can help the offense, but not the defense. After hooking up for the first score of the game with former Gator TE Ben Troupe, the offense went to bed. The defense never got up, just a couple hours of smacking at the snooze bar. The rest of the game played out like a Hulk Hogan comeback match. Just the Steelers dishing out a boot to the face and leg drop after leg drop after leg drop. Not exciting but effective. The Titans played the part of an aging Iron Sheik. I don't think they have many matches left in them.

Colin (1-1, PF: 22, PA: 34, TDs: 1)

Cleveland Browns (0-1) Loss to Cincinnati

Washington Redskins (1-0) In a game that set offensive football back 25 years and rendered the forward pass almost extinct, Joe Gibbs and the 'Skins eeked out a win. Ramsey could be seen getting treatment for a neck injury on the sidelines after turtle-ing in the face of the Chicago defensive attack. Gibbs was heard muttering the phrase,"Pooped my pants!" repeatedly as the coordinators tried to get his bib on for his 3rd quarter feeding. After the game he named Mark Brunell the starting QB. Brunell informed the media "Pooped mypants!", he was then led away to the day room to watch Rooster Cogburn rideagain in "True Grit". Ramsey has since asked for a trade, seething "I can't stand the smell of strained carrots,peanut butter, and dirty diapers anymore. I want out".

Randie (1-1, PF: 31, PA: 22, TDs: 4)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0) It was all rookie day for the Bucs. Alex Smith (2TD) and Cadillac Williams (1TD) put up big numbers and are leading the resurgent offense. Gruden's D-boys came out swinging as well and completely shut down Culpepper to the tune of 3INTs and 2 fumbles. The Vikings Offense never got on track. After climbing out from under a Simeon Rice sack, Culpepper said "Shit, if this is gonna be that type of party, I'mgonna stick my dick in the mash potatoes!" MRIs were negative and he is expected to play again nextweek.

Chicago Bears (0-1) Da Bears put up the only TD in this borefest and still lost the game. With Grossman out with a broken ankle the offense has been handed over to rookie Kyle Orton. Inexplicably, Doug Brien is now the kicker for the Bears. The same Doug Brien that blew the Jets playoff game against the Steelers last year. Yeah, that guy. Is it a coincidence that they lost by a FG? I think not. Kyle Orton and Muhsin Muhammad are getting in touch with Tonya Harding to see if Jeff Gillooly is available for an encore performance.

Until next week!

Later,

Shawn

Posted by Shawn Fitzgerald at 01:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)