Ah, this past weekend saw me, Leonard, and Randie wandering through the halls of an estate in Pennsylvania, with the bright colors of Fall exploding outside, for Feder's wedding. There were many nerves, there were many drinks, and there was much laughter. There were ice sculptures dispensing booze, a short Cuban man hand rolling cigars, and a "priest" wearing some type of sod cape during the ceremony. Yes, it was one for the ages. I enjoyed myself so much, that I feel compelled to present awards for the evening:
Most Annoying: Bridget Reilly - I was personally floored by her actions throughout the 2 days I had to be in contact with her. From answering rhetorical questions during speeches at the rehearsal dinner, to shaking her tits and ass during the wedding ceremony and answering yet another question that didn't require a response from her ("Of Course I will, whoooooooaaa!"), she just couldn't let Maryellen and Brian have their day. So petty, so in need of attention. If you'd move out of the house before you were 30+ maybe you'd have some type of social life and you wouldn't have to play the old crow. She makes me physically ill.
Drunkest: Joe Joe Wendler - In Joe Joe's defense he has been on the wagon for a while studying for the PE. However, it was some excellent work. I heard through the grapevine that Leonard, Crane, Wendler, and Dan were spotted ripping up a bunch of shots at one of the several bars in the mansion. A few hours later, the repercussions were streaming from Joe's mouth onto his suit jacket. There was some incoherent yelling on the bus and then a short pass out. This was followed by a disappearing act at the hotel. As everyone partied in the lobby with the left over booze, Joe Joe made one final appearance in the lobby with one shoe and one barefoot before retiring for the evening. My finger is in the air for you Joe. I have a warm feeling inside, and for once it isn't searing indigestion that predicates vomiting. I think it's pride... thanks Joe for being "that guy".
Best "Kid with his hand in the Cookie Jar" face coupled with the "Coyote/Runaway": As I stood in the main bar area on one end of the house, I spotted Artie sitting outside. There was a girl in a black dress sitting on his lap. I watched as Artie grabbed a HUGE handful of ass! Hooray for Artie! Artie then peeked around this girl's back (Andrea - Maryellen's boss?), and spotted me looking at him. As our eyes locked, he knew he was busted, but he had a big 'ole smile on his face. At this moment he was "King GQ Smoove". I lost sight of Artie and his lady at this point because people were moving around the room and cut off my view. I heard from reliable sources that there was some "play" for young master ACM Esq. His triumphant evening was apparently followed by a regretful morning. As his roommates slept, Artie crept from his bed and changed the clock from 8:30am to 1:30pm. He then woke everyone and told then that they had to go because it was checkout time, thus eliminating the possibility of running into his fair maiden from the night before. Bravo Artie. I have never been more proud.
Biggest Yard Sale: Crane, after throwing his hat into the aforementioned "shot fest" ring, seemed relatively clear headed. However, the morning found said hat and other items scattered throughout the hotel, as well as several broken bottles in his wake. Lenny, I think you found something that belonged to Crane, right?
Most attempts to talk to a fiance minutes before the wedding: Prior to the wedding I felt more like a sheepherder than a Best Man. I was constantly trying to shepard Feder into the Groom's room and keep him detained. He constantly tried to leave the room and "check on things". This meant he was going to sneak up to the bridal suite and talk to Maryellen through the door. I lost sight of him once and he got away from me and went over there. This led to the following proclamation from me: "I'm going to kick the shit out of you if you go over there again." Right, I want to be the bad guy 10 minutes before you get married. This could possibly be the first and last time that sentence was uttered by a best man prior to a wedding ceremony.
Bloodiest Rally: I'd say this is the most impressive award I have to give. Umberto was slurring on the bus ride home and doing the "scream-yell-pass out-scream-yell-pass out" thing and then stumbled off the bus in the direction of his room. Karen stopped off in the lobby to have a couple drinks with us and when she went to their room, her key didn't work. By this time Berto was out cold. This led to a 20 minute discussion with the stone-sober front desk clerk. She wanted nothing to do with this. Just as we convinced her to get a security guard to let Karen in, Umberto exploded on to the scene freshly showered and carrying a tube of fake blood (as it was Halloween?)! He ran from person to person smearing it on their face and yelling about blood. This display decayed into shots and several hours of discussing where the tube of blood went. Kudos Bert. You rallied!
Most "Sporting" Wedding Guest: Like we even need to discuss this... "most sporting"... duh, LENNY! Herr Leonard purchased himself a 3 inch Casio TV so he could catch the beginning of the UF/UGA game in Jax. Although the Gators ultimately lost that game (and the major Florida College football teams pulled and o'fer that day), it didn't really matter. There were sports at the wedding, and Lenny was the guy who brought it for us all. Quien es mas macho Leonard? Leonard es mas macho!
Now that my Page Six alter-ego is finished lets get back to sports...
With the Red Sox WS victory last week another exciting year of baseball has come to a close. I will not beat a dead horse here. While I am not Red Sox Super Fan #1 (a la Bill Simmons on ESPN Page 2), after last year's crushing defeat at the hands of the Yankees, I was back on the horse this season. So, while I cannot claim to have an immense weight lifted off of my own shoulders, I can comprehend the feeling in many relatives and friends from back home. I got to see one of the most pivotal games in sports history (Schilling's bloody sock/A-Rod's ball slapping game... ball slapping... I'm giggling) and I had a great time cheering this team on. It was nothing short of a miracle that they won.
However, the Red Sox victory may have used up all of the good sports karma in New England. The Pats took a thrashing at the hands of the Steelers. My Dad made jokes that Brady looked like Bledsoe in the first half. I thought about it for a minute and he was right. Fumble, Interception... both resulting in opponent TDs... yeah, that sounds like Bledsoe. The Steelers' offense looked great. Two punishing backs and 3 good WRs. I could make excuses about injuries, but I will bow gracefully. Those boys are good. It is safe to say Tommy Maddox will be looking for a new job. It is a sad realization for Patriots fans, that this is probably their last year as a top tier team. More than likely they will lose 1 if not both of the coordinators, the personnel director, as well as other players to age and free agency. I've heard the argument that Belichick can plug in anyone and it will work. Not buying it. Just because they follow your scheme doesn't mean you'll have the same chemistry. If they fired your favorite 3 people at work right now, and replaced them with 3 equally capable people, but these equally capable people were disgusted by the thought of a 4 beer lunch followed by 3 hours of Half-Life Frag Fest, would you be as happy as you are now? No. That's all I'm saying. There is now only 1 undefeated team in the NFL...
Philly is unreal. Everyone keeps talking about TO's effect on the offense and his residual effect on the defense (letting them rest longer by keeping the offense on the field longer). I want to point out one thing for you to think about. How many times has Donovan McNabb thrown up at the line of scrimmage this year? That's right, zero. In the past 2 years I can remember 4 separate occasions where there was Chunky Soup dripping from his face mask. I think this is a much better yardstick by which to measure TO's contributions. While we're on the subject of TO, how often can you mock an alleged murderer in front of 75K+ people, then mock him again on ESPN later that week:
Speaking at his weekly news conference, Owens said: "You have a guy like Ray Lewis, who, I mean, I thought pretty much he was my friend. I mean, this is a guy, you know, double-murder case, he could have been in jail. "Seems like the league embraces a guy like that. But I'm going out scoring touchdowns, having fun, but I'm the bad guy," he said.I'm not a TO guy... but this stuff made me laugh out loud.
Finally (I apologize in advance Randie), Craig Krenzel defeated Ken Dorsey yet again this week. As you may recall Krenzel was the QB for Ohio State when they beat Dorsey and Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. Strange, Krenzel does nothing for me. I remember him calling a play in the Fiesta bowl down by the Miami goal line by making Wolfman hands at either wide receiver. That stuck with me as one of the dumbest looking things I've seen. So bizarre and awkward. I usually like the underdog in sports when I don't have an allegiance. However, I enjoyed Dorsey's play at Miami and I had him as a big time sleeper in the NFL. I thought he would be the Flutie type of guy, where once he got in the game, he would do so well you wouldn't be able to take him out. Hasn't happened and I don't know why. I know he's a puny little dude, but he had that extra something in college. Somehow he's misplaced that.
Yet another excellent BAG weekend for myself and Randie, a mediocre weekend for Flash Caaaahd, and another dismal BAG weekend for Leonard.
Wins Losses Ties PF PA TDs Yellow Flags! Shawn ATL 6 2 0 170 170 20 SD 5 3 0 219 156 27 Total 11 5 0 389 326 47 Randie NYJ 6 1 0 168 116 20 HOU 4 3 0 158 143 17 Total 10 4 0 326 259 37 Lenny DET 4 3 0 137 154 18 AZ 2 5 0 126 142 14 Total 6 8 0 263 296 32 Colin 1 NYG 5 2 0 151 113 16 CLE 3 4 0 147 147 15 Total 8 6 0 298 260 31
On to this weeks games:
Shawn (11-5, PF: 389, PA: 326, TDs: 47)
Atlanta Falcons (6-2): Denver is obviously going in the crapper right now. They stumbled when they played the Bengals, and they fell to their second knee this week. Vick ran and passed all over them. Can someone please tell Mora Jr. to stop reading "West Coast Offense for Dummies" and look at his players. CREATE YOUR OFFENSE AROUND MICHAEL VICK, NOT INSPITE OF MICHAEL VICK! Do they have a "re-programming" office down there in Georgia? Maybe if we rename him Winston and take him to room 101 and put a cage over his head and then put some rats in the cage he'll understand. Did that work in "1984"? I can't even remember...
THIS WEEKEND: Bye Buy By Bi - The boys get a weekend to relax and practice throwing out the called play and letting Vick win the game.
San Diego Chargers (5-3): As I predicted at the wedding, while sipping my own drink (the "Who's Your Daddy?" care of the Ice Sculpture martini bar), the Chargers threw down on Oakland. I'm continually astounded by the number of points they score and the accuracy with which Brees is throwing. He's playing for his career right now (as 2004 1st round pick Phillip Rivers is waiting in the wings) and he is not just rising to the occasion, he just jumped out of his seat, pulled the table cloth off without disturbing anything and is choking management with it. I don't know what to say about Oak-town Lenz. I really would switch to whoever the 2nd string QB is. Collins is throwing too many picks. You can't win if you know you're giving up the ball at least 2 times per game.
THIS WEEKEND: @ NEW ORLEANS - All of that being said, the Saints are an enigma wrapped in a question, wrapped in a riddle, submerged in a Hurricane. One game they burn like the fires raging from the fountain in the courtyard of Patty O's. Other games they choke the life out of themselves, like the cherry flavoring that coats your teeth the morning after a night at Patty O's. So confusing. If I don't get this win, I could start slipping quickly.
Randie (10-4, PF: 326, PA: 259, TDs: 37)
New York Jets (6-1): This first quarter of this game was like the punt-pass-and kick challenge for kids....with out the passing or kicking. So many 3 and outs, so much hang time...Then the J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! Got on target and proceeded to demolish the Fins. Randie needed to hang 64 for on the Fins to beat me out for the week, and had the first quarter been the same as the final 3 quarters, they might have done it for him. Alas, 64 points is a lot of points. As yet another downer for the Fins, Seau is out for the season with a chest injury. This injury could also be career ending. A sad ending for a great warrior. I hope you make it back Junior, you deserve better.
THIS WEEKEND: @ BUFFALO - McGahee, possible savior? Travis Henry is now coming off the bench for the 'Lo. They look good against the mid tier teams, but the Jets are movin' on up! The game is in Buffalo, but I don't think the noise will deter Chad and Co. from putting up some points.
Houston Texans (4-3): Yet another maverick team. I thought this game would be too close to call. So, I have no rational explanation for the beat down that the Texans put on Jax. Sounds like Byron Leftwich broke the glass slipper, and Cinderella's night at the ball is over. Jax is now a mid-level team with the rest of the league. I can't elevate Houston yet because they are all over the map like a 4 year old on Pixie sticks. Just grabbing and lunging and punching and wild-eyed....Kind of like me at Lenny's door last Wednesday at 1am.
THIS WEEKEND: @ DENVER - I would call this game a toss up, but the Broncos are on the way down and Houston is on the rise. I'd give this to Carr and the Pixie-stick kids. My predictions have Randie going 2-0 and overtaking me. Yikes...maybe I should lie. They're both going to lose, and Lose big. Yeah, that felt better. I'm still the champ (for now...)
Colin (8-6, PF: 298, PA: 260, TDs: 31)
Cleveland Browns (3-4): During their bye week, there were no reports of homosexual QBs, playboy girlfriends, Butch Davis firings, failed drug tests, or domestic abuse ending in a stabbed husband/player. You know what they call that in Cleveland.....wait for it left side, wait for it...(NOW)...A WIN! (I'm running free, I'm running free...)
THIS WEEKEND: @ BALTIMORE - With an angry Ray Lewis and so much history between these 2 teams, it should be a blood fest. If they can start knocking Garcia down early, the Ravens will take the game. Maybe Garcia and Lewis could get together and roll up to Philly in a '64 Impala and creep on TO. That would be the sweetest assault and battery charge ever. I think they'd be smiling in their mug shots. Are you allowed to give high fives in a mug shot? Is Ray Lewis still on probation? Probably, huh. I mean he did kill someone and get away with it. Oh, well....I can dream.
New York Giants (5-2): A surprising beat down of Minnesota in the Metrodome. As Hal said, "Some how they've had the Vikings number ever since that 42-0 playoff game." Too true. Keeping a limping Randy Moss in the game for one series to extend his streak is pretty lame too. So, I guess they deserved to get spanked.
THIS WEEKEND: CHICAGO - Are you allowed to bet on concussions, cuz if you can, I want to put a hunny down on Krenzel needing smelling salts at some point in this game. Jonathan Quinn Medicine Woman isn't coming in to save anyone either.... Flash Caaaahd could go 2-0 this weekend, but 1-1 is more likely.
Lenny "Make It Sporting" Herold (6-8, PF: 263, PA: 296, TDs: 32)
Detroit Lions (4-3): Joey and the Lions are another baffling group. They lost to a 41 year old man who would fail the asthma-match blowing test and runs the 40 in about 1:35:22. That's not fast people. Dallas is not good by any stretch of the imagination, but the Lion's are not this bad. I have no explanation again. Hey, what do you want from me. Vegas can't even handicap these games anymore. The underdog has won something like 75% of the games OUTRIGHT...that's not counting the spread, just completely beat the team they were supposed to lose to. My name doesn't end with a vowel, and I'm not a Junior...obviously I'm an amateur prognosticator.
THIS WEEKEND: WASHINGTON - Nothing is going right down here. Mr. Farve went to Washington and got back on track. Joey will do the same. Gotta love that one of your best players picks up a DUI during the season...when limos were provided to drive him home. "Nah, I'm not riding in that limo. Those rims aren't SPINNING!" Herr Leonard, should pick up a much needed W here.
Arizona Cardinals (2-5): I looked up the stats in this game. Larry Fitzgerald only caught 1 ball. You can't bust a nut with just 1 ball. What do they expect him to do? Hopefully he can collect more nuts next weekend. C'mon, you knew I couldn't get through a whole write up with out some COCK TALK!
THIS WEEKEND: @ MIAMI - Miami could actually win this game. However, with Seau out and everyone so down over there, it could go either way. Hold onto your seat Lenny, this could be the 2-0 weekend that you've been waiting for.
I apologize for this taking so long this week friends, but they have bored me into submission at work, and it took a night of free Guinness to get me energized again.
Until the next installment....
To BEER: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!