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Thoughts on Week 9
By: C. James Fitzgerald
Recap on the info: Lenny, Colin, Randie and Shawn are competing to see who will feel the plastic cinch sack against their skin. 1st place is the overlord, 2nd place has to wear the jersey from their worst team, 3rd place has to face paint their worst team, and 4th place has to wear the bag. 4th has to buy 1sts drinks all night and drink what 1st says. On to the Fun!
Week nine was for the Bovine my friends. P Ditty runs the City and Scott Weiland crashes a car after gettin’ shitty. I don’t care what your concerns were going into this Sunday because much like a fire hot microwave burrito, your concerns were much greater on the way out! And guess what, I held the Mylanta. I held the extra soft toilet paper and due to past suffering this season, I even held the corn starch. Being a buy week for both, Shawn and Randie had the most that they could have asked for, each with a victory . As for Lenny, his only joy this weekend was his beloved Gator pastime. As he rose on Sunday to the pre programmed playing of Bruce Springstein’s “Glory Days” on his CD/alarm clock, he could not have imagined the ass pounding that he would receive. The only other good thing for Lenny is that after a double bagged head to head defeat and combined 24 ‘points for’ he does not have to go to jail; new legislation was recently passed which allows third input. If Lenny and his two bagging teams were a flashlight, it would take 16 D batteries in the rear compartment and still produce a disappointingly dim light. So count your candle watts and hold on for the breakdown of week shizzle my nizzle nine:
Shawn (10-6, PF:386, PA:327, TDs:48)
KC (8-0): KC and the muthafuckin’ sunshine band. Shawn’s ace in the hole and Nat King Cole, KC finally did not put up a win. Of course it took a buy week for that to happen. With a midseason A+ on ESPN.com, who could argue that they are looking like the best team out of the land of the muddy river since before I was born. Perhaps some demons came tugging on Priest and Dante on their week off… an old crack habit, ain’t never tell when the grip is gonna getcha. Hell, I would be happy if they just ate a few fucking Twinkies, those bastards gottsa goes down. We will see how they pull out of this rest mode, we will see who skipped practice. There is a long road ahead and as other teams start to realize there fate, Homes and Hall are going to look like prize bucks in the scope of a .308 bolt action rifle of defeat. But with the up coming week, the Brown is coming to town, also coming from a week off… I smell 9-0 for Chief Pigskin and the Kansas City Indians.
Detroit (2-6)Go figure that these douche bags would win on the one week we have a chance to double up on Shawn. Joey Harrington looks like he has downs syndrome for chissakes; at age 25 and two years in the NFL behind him, I see a lot of moving the family around in this guy’s future. Probable this week with a hurt finger, I mean come on, I hope they have the coin-op Tampax machine full for this bitch. When your leading receiver is Mr. Rodgers (Charles Rodgers, Rookie from Mich. State) you know you are in trouble, when he is on the DL, as he is, the bleeding continues. This team has the outlook of the Ford Pinto it’s Mother City produced for us some time ago, it has blown up and is now a frigging joke. Mariucci will be saved by the bell this year before his last place Lions put his career at .500. Oh Boy… things you can’t due with no talent, eh Stevo? You should change your uniform to have the face of that gay lion from The Wizard of Oz. This week it is Chicago at home… they shouldn’t even air this on the Direct TV Sunday Game Ticket. NEXT!!!
Lenny (9-7, PF:303, PA:355, TDs:31)
Carolina (6-2)When you fuck with the Bull, you get the Horns baby. The Panthers could not hold on with the Rain Man football of John Fox. I mean if you always by your skivvies at K-Mart, people are gonna know where you shop, retard!!! The game plan is going to have to gain a few layers of complexity if they plan on winning many more games this year, and I don’t’ think Fox has the vision. Their offense was shut down and held to only 10 points in this defensive show of will. Delhomme is solid but just couldn’t complete the job after the first drive of the game which produced the only Carolina touchdown of the game. Tampa Bay is coming into town this week looking to violate these cats in any means possible. The Bucs have to win this to get over .500 on the season; they also have 3 of their 4 wins on the road this year. My guess it that they are coming out hard with the intent of castrating the enemy, walking away with a year’s supply of panther piss.
Cincinnati (3-5)They could not even beat the Cards. The fat guys in the stands were like, “GOD DAMMIT LENNY!!! WHAY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DAMN POOR”. In this weeks episode, Lenny cuts his own head off after he discovers he is related to Kinta! Maybe these ass clowns can move to Vegas and take over the Siegfried and Roy show, but make it a comedy instead, because they are a god damned joke. The Bengals couldn’t even beat the Jets if they had Christopher Reeves starting at quarterback. Cincinnati is like the limbo and purgatory for the NFL The limbo of un-baptized ball players who on the brink of working as the Jack in the Box drive through personality and playing weekends on the county “semi-pro” tackle league. The purgatory for the veterans veteran… can hold on but can’t hang it up. If the Cardinals were not so bad and desperate for home crowds, Emitt Smith would play here. It is not even worth mentioning names, these guys are like an ameba of losing diarrhea. Pass the Imodium. Who cares who they are playing, they suck.
Colin (9-7, PF:306, PA:340, TDs:34)
Dallas (6-2)Tuna Boats. Tuna Salad. Tuna Steaks. Tuna Steaks with Lemon. Tuna Sandwich. Tuna Casserole. Tuna Melt. Tuna Club. Tuna on toast. Dill Tuna. Tuna in the Can. Tuna in a bag. Tuna. Bubba Gump Tuna, it’s a household name. Dallas has just blown away any expectation that I have had, they have been treating teams like Kobe Bryant’s white women. They should honestly be handing out whistles to their opponents at this point. Just blow the whistle, the game is over and we send the animals home, and their leader. Another worst to first showcase for Parcels, they have just been some steady ass kickers so far… may it continue. This weekend we stay at home, Randie and his Bills are coming over to play. Bledsoe still needs a push on the swing, and we are going to be doing seesaw droppsies on the rest of that sorry outfit.
Houston (3-5)These guys are like the ones you know have potential, and have you pulling for ‘em. When they do what they did this week, it just opens up the wells in your eye. Just enough saline to wipe away on the top side of your index figure as you mumble, “Good job boys, you did it.”. I mean hot damn, I think Cuba Gooding’s Radio character has been hanging out down there, because there just a fire inside. And to spank the Panther’s like that. Fox must have felt like he was going to the strip joint on the way into the stadium, just to have his daughter come out on stage in the 4th quarter. I don’t know what was better: holding them to 10, or actually beating them. Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh… guess what Lenny. Bend over bitch, because the cattle are coming to your pathetic litter box this weekend, and we are going to fuck you up.
Randie (7-9, PF:258, PA:355, TDs:30)
Arizona (3-5)Arizona just sucks, the only reason I like them more than the Bengals right now is because they stopped Lenny from acquiring another win this weekend. This was the bag of bag matches, I would rather attend a homecoming game in Compton, LA than step foot in the arena with this match up. Emitt Smith set the expectations early on, another year of less than worthy football. Just crap.
Buffalo (4-4)Bledsoe just sucks. He always has, but he has some kind of marketing genius working for him. I can’t tell if he is stupid or just doesn’t care, or if he is faking even knowing how to play foot ball. I also don’t understand why Buffalo put a big gun who moves like a grandmother with a drinking problem behind a line that can’t stop shit. Buffalo sucks, and they really shouldn’t, they have no excuse. They are wheeling Bledsoe the Hut down to my house this weekend where the likes of Dat Nguyen and Dexter Coaldey are going to shut down the running game and put the hurt on that Macys Day balloon float of a quarterback. Bledsoe sucks. Sorry Randie, you had first pick and this is who you chose. Most of us have a 3 and 5 team but the other team is picking up the slack… but your winner is a loser. Some serious shit is going to have to go down for you the pull ahead. The last in wins and points for, the most in points against and the least touchdowns. Start training for the hang over, I would suggest wrapping yourself in plastic wrap when you go out drinking from now on. It won’t draw the attention, but will simulate the cinch sack. Take note not to wrap the cock and balls, as this could cause problems that lead to wetting ones self as the night endures. Good luck my friend.
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