WEEK 5
By: F. Shawn Fitzgerald
The first official write up of the newly configured Garbage Bag bet. This year Lenny Colin, Randie, and myself are competing to see who will feel the plastic cinch sack against their skin. 1st place is the overlord, 2nd place has to wear the jersey from their worst team, 3rd place has to face paint their worst team, and 4th place has to wear the bag. 4th has to buy 1sts drinks all night and drink what 1st says. On to the Fun!

All right! I can't help but start with the Vikings. First, Culpepper breaks bones in his back and is then listed as probable 2 weeks ago. How the fuck do you break bones in your back and then get listed as probable?! Next week it's gonna be, "Moss - Questionable - Pelvis crushed by dump truck". Fucking ludicrous. Then to top that, Frerotte comes in and does his best imitation of Joe Montana for the last 2 weeks. This is the same retard that scored a touchdown as a Redskin and then headbutted the back wall so hard he gave himself a concussion and knocked himself out of the game. Things like this should not be allowed to happen. He should've run into the game after dropping a bag of Fritos and then fumbled because of the grease on his hands. That's the way this should've worked. Somehow he's scrubbed off his idiocy and sent it to either Oakland or New Orleans. Both teams look completely lost. Admit it, you'd feel bad for them if you found them in the supermarket clutching their box of Animal Crackers, and searching with wild eyes for their mothers. Please someone, pick up the red courtesy phone and help them out. An even bigger surprise for me is San Diego. Being a pre-season pick to go to the SuperBowl, then coming out and wandering in circles on offense and acting like Toreadors on defense is not the way to get it done guys. Jesus, put Flutie in and get some 42 year old MIDGET POWER pumping. I wish Flutie would make a video like the 85 Bears did. He could call it Midget Mania, and he could play drums and sing like Phil Collins while his brother ripped up the guitar. The sad thing is you think that I’m kidding: http://mp3.boston.com/bands/the_flutie_gang.shtml . And how in the name of all that is decent and Holy did the Colts come back on the Bucs. That was the biggest fold I've witnessed since I watched Frank Reich dice up the Oilers back in 80 whatever. For fucking shame. On to the Teams!

Shawn (6-4, PF:245, PA:203, TDs:31)
KC (5-0): I loved Priest Holmes. He is a running machine that crushes motherfuckers. I didn't think I could be a bigger fan of anyone on the Chiefs. Enter Da-Da-Da-DAAAAAAAAA Dante Hall. Holy crap! All I could think of when I watched that run back was every sleazy video game play you can pull on someone that doesn't have a playstation. He did absolutely everything against convention...and scored. I think he's legally allowed to walk into any house in Missouri or Kansas and bend the wife over the kitchen table while he chugs all the beer in the house. The remainder of the family stands at attention and applauds. If he does this again, he's allowed to bust Bam Morris out of Jail and set him up with a good farm and a few 100,000 seeds. They are at the yet to be Frozen Tundra next weekend. I don't think Farve's got the juice, even at home.

Detroit (1-4)A rough start. Mooch rolls up to his old team and loses. I really wanted to see them win and make TO blow a gasket. Rodgers is out for a few weeks now after breaking his collar bone in...(use your best Iverson voice)...PRACTICE. For the love of God. They've got a bye week to prepare for Dallas and the Tuna.

Lenny (5-4, PF:155, PA:154, TDs:15)
Carolina (4-0)Just a joy to hear about every week. Davis running downhill like someone threw him (while taking IV fluids to fight off cramps), and Jake Delhomme steering the ship! Jake Delhomme! Maybe all of those Abita Turbo Dogs kept him down on the Bayou Bench, maybe it was the Po'Boys, or maybe it was the complete lack of sense down there, but Goddamn does Carolina Blue agree with him. Making few mistakes and giving his team a chance to win. Must've felt nice to beat his old club. Hopefully he went home and pissed on an Anne Rice novel to finish the day off right. To really put the Cherry on top, Rod Smart (aka - He Hate Me of the XLF) ran back a kickoff for a 100yds TD. And Bar-B-Q for all!

Cincinnati (1-4)Played Buffalo tough. Marvin Lewis has the guys believing in themselves. They just need to lose Kitna. It's is unfathomable that this guy has been a starting QB in the league for the last few years and before Akili Smith showed up. How on Earth is this possible. You can see it in his eyes that he has no fucking idea which way is up. He's the guy that inexplicably hangs around the office holding an important position and producing nothing but problems in everyone else’s work. Idiot. He looks like he ate lead paint chips as a child. I saw a thing in the subway about that, maybe I should send it to him. I'm not saying they should put in Palmer, but if Kitna isn't cut at the end of the season, it doesn't matter what Marvin Lewis does. He's a human jinx. Same as the fat old man in "A Bronx Tale".

Colin (5-3, PF:158, PA:185, TDs:15)


Dallas (3-1)They aren't good, but they win. I guess that sums it up. They slapped Emitt around on his return and broke his shoulder for good measure. Due to all the winning we haven't yet had the pleasure of a full on Parcells post game melt down. That could be this weekend in the form of the Eagles. Cross your fingers...I don't really want to cheer for Philly though. So torn. Maybe we could just get someone arrested?

Houston (2-2)For some reason I enjoy watching these guys scrap. The 4th down call on teh goal line was ballsy last week. They had a bye. Next up is Tennessee. Not good news for them. The Pats probably shouldn't have beaten them last week and McNair and Co. will be more than ready.

Randie (4-6, PF:175, PA:227, TDs:22)
Arizona (1-4)Still playing horribly. Emitt is out for an indefinite amount of time with a busted shoulder. Think he'll figure it out that he should hang it up now? I guess Shipp needs to step up and show why he should've been starting of the crowd favorite. Playing the Ravens this weekend. Such awful news. Maybe they could all miss the charter and forfeit?
Buffalo (3-2)An enigma wrapped in a questions, sealed in a riddle, and smoked in a bong. How do you CRUSH the Patriots and beat up a weak Jax team, then get completely shut down by Miami (kind of understandable), have a shaky game at Philly, then have to go to OT to beat star QB John Kitna...I was ready to anoint the Bills the best team in the league after the first weak, but the paint has chipped and faded. They mayu be on their way to the used car lot if this keeps up. But they have the perfect tonic...the Jets. They are the equivalent of a quadriplegic in the middle of a 4 lane highway with a dead battery in their wheel chair...they can't get out of the way of the impending doom...each and every week. This would be my air tight lock of the week.