WEEK 17

Oh the PAIN! Oh the AGONY! Oh the FAILURE! I needed 4 Glorious and Wonderful things to happen on Sunday...and three of them did. I won both of my games and Lenny lost his 1 o'clock game (bizzz-ungles coughing up fur balls to the Browns). So, there I sat for the beginning of the Giants-Panthers game. This would decide it ALL! Who would be overlord, and who would be ordering a retarded losers jersey from Modell's. Carolina jumped out to an early 7-0 lead. My heart sank. The Giants did nothing on their first series. Carolina marched down the field again...AND THEN...Out of nowhere, there was a fumble...OH LORD! A GIANT HAS THE BALL...and...he's running...running with it to the END ZONE! Could it be?!?! COULD THE GIANTS BE MY SAVIORS!?!? Then I saw the commotion...the Ref's had blown the whistle. Dead ball. My heart sank to the point of dangling between my legs. Carolina ball. The Giants followed up this play with a 15 yard facemask penalty...and with that the game was over. Herr Leonard Herrold (of the midtown Herrold's) has unseated me as 2 year champion in the garbage bag bet. I am now a second class citizen doomed to wander the streets in a Jason Hanson Jersey, lining up kicks of beer cans on the lonely sidewalk of life. So, in hindsight, I would say the turning point was KC's loss to the Bengals. That's the swing game right there. Hat's off Leonard, you made it sporting.

Here are some fun bag facts for you...3 of the 4 first round bag teams made the playoffs (#2-KC, #3-Dallas, #4-Carolina)...The first overall pick (Buffalo) had the 4th worst record, 2nd least points for, 2nd fewest points against, and 2nd least TDs...Both Lenny and Shawn made the most of their picks (meaning we selected the teams with the most wins that were left available at our drafting positions)...Randie lost every single category of the bet (fewest wins, most losses, fewest points for, most points against, and fewest TDs)...2 head coaches from bag teams were fired (25% of Bag team head coaches)...yet somehow Matt Millen is still the GM of the Detroit Lions...KC had the best bag record for wins (13)...Arizona was the worst bag team with 4 wins...all participants were never in the same place to watch a single game.

So, the final standings this year are:

1st Place Overlord - Lenny

2nd place Jersey - Shawn - Wearing a Lions Jersey

3rd place Face Painter - Colin face painting Houston's logo (artwork possibly provided by Randie)

Last Place Bag Wearer - Randie (Not sure of drawstring color or bag type)

NEXT YEAR'S BAG TEAMS:

AFC East - NY Jets (12th overall pick in the 2004 draft)

AFC North - Cleveland Browns (7th or 8th overall pick in the 2004 draft - subject to coin flip)

AFC South - Houston Texans (10th overall pick in the 2004 draft)

AFC West - San Diego (1st overall pick in the 2004 draft)

NFC East - NY Giants (4th overall pick in the 2004 draft)

NFC North - Detroit Lions (6th overall pick in the 2004 draft)

NFC South - Atlanta Falcons (7th or 8th overall pick in the 2004 draft - subject to coin flip)

NFC West - Arizona Cardinals (3rd overall pick in the 2004 draft)

Star your research boys, YOU'VE GOT MEL! Doesn't he look like a fat Steven Segal? I've mentioned this to a ton of people and no one else sees it. The Selection order for next year is Randie, Colin, Shawn, Lenny. However, I would propose allowing Randie to select WHERE he would like to draft, then Colin, etc....Thoughts?

On to the final results!

Lenny (19-13-0, PF:671, PA:688, TDs:73)

Carolina : These guys officially put the nail in my coffin by beating up on the Giants in a game that I don't think anyone aside from me, Lenny, and Nick Bakay cared about. The Panthers had them down on the canvas but didn't want to put them down for the three count. It was like Macho Man beating up on someone, he would suplex them 3 times then hold them down for a 2 count and pick them up and shake his finger at the ref. "No, no, no, no, no...more pain!" Then he picks them up and suplexes them again! The Giants sustained a severe suplexing. There was no come back. Carolina moves on to face another bag team (Dallas) in the playoffs. When these 2 met in the regular season, the Dallas D used everything but the Camel Clutch on Jake Delhomme. I guess that's not the Tuna's style. The Panthers will go as far as Stephen Davis can carry them. They should be out of the bet for some time.
Cincinnati : Marvin the defensive master mind, Kitna the God boy, Chad Johnson the Camera-holic prognosticator, and Rudi Johnson running like a retard in a prison riot sunk my season. Because of these guys, I am tasting Stove Top instead of victory. Even though you're smiling Lenny, you cheered for the Bengals all season. Let that sink in. Try and get some sleep tonight with that kicking around in your head. They escaped from the bag bet, but they missed the playoffs because they lost to a team that hasn't had a true starting QB since week 3 of the season, and a coach that is sure to get fired next year. Stauch is interning at the NFL and they are redesigning the Bengal uniforms for next season. I'd suggest twist ties instead of stripes on the helmets, and pale green jerseys that are made out of plastic, but I don't think they are going to be back in the bet for a while. Once they get rid of Kitna...I don't care what kind of season he had, he should NOT, I repeat NOT be a QB in the NFL, he looks like he had a lobotomy, nothing behind those eyes but a blank stare...things will continue on the up escalator for them. Where will Dillion end up next year? I don't know who'd want to take on his attitude...the Raiders need another dickhead loser now that Romo's gone, don't they? Beers up for the Black and Orange Lenny, they were your ticket to superstardom, make up your wristband for Randie, you are the new "Head Coach".

Shawn (18-14-0, PF:754, PA:711, TDs:92)

KC : The workhorse of my stable for the season. I couldn't have asked for them to do anymore than they did. Priest Holmes is a man among boys, running like he's on a Broward county episode of cops, he set a new regular season TD record with 27. Dante Hall had every sportscaster in the country balancing on the tip of his dick for 4 weeks as he ran back kickoffs for TDs, then they all jumped off when he didn't do it every week. Fickle fucks. In the end he forced himself into the offense and contributed at WR as well. Vermeil cried, Green threw, and the Chief's racked up V's. thank you Gatews BBQ for fueling these men and bringing me the best team in the bet. I deserve it. I was a good Santa this year. Even if those Jewish kids made fun of me.
Detroit : Oh, I can't wait to own a Detroit Jersey. So psyched. Totally gonna wear it so many more times than once. Jason Hanson, #4, you rule. They actually tried in the last game and beat the shit out of Bulger and knocked him out of the game. Warner came in and looked as bad as ever. Where the hell is he going to end up next year? I'd be surprised if anyone takes him...he's damaged goods. You know what damaged goods are right ,Kurt? Yeah, they're 70% off on Thursdays at the Supermarket. Clean up aisle 6! Bring the shop-vac Kurt! He's someone's back up next year...The Lions have more holes than a chick at a mongolian orgy. Any of you reading this might get drafted, so stick to your weight training and diet. these guys put me in the Jersey and I won't forget it. This Beer is for Harrington, this Jameson is for Mooch, and this Shot of Jack is for Matt Millen. Blackout Ahoy!

Colin (15-17-0, PF:544, PA:640, TDs:60)

Dallas : I thought Colin was out of his fucking mind when he took these guys with his first pick. The Tuna righted the ship quicker than anyone imagined and had a bunch losers playing together quicker than Michael Jackson can touch a 12 year old. Quincy Carter is not the answer and Bill will get someone else in the off-season. I wouldn't be surprised to see Brunell land here for a year or 2. I would be surprised to see Keyshawn here. He would have to eat a giant shit burger because he told ESPN he'd never play in Dallas, and his ego is too intense to allow him to do that. Very quiet year for Terry Glenn. No problems, just catching passes and scoring Touchdowns. He even seems to have lost his attitude. Good for him. Jerry Jones must be psyched, he doesn't even need to get plastic surgery this year.
Houston : I like David Carr. He's got balls and he plays with them every Sunday....I didn't even mean that, that rules. Anyway, he seems to have found a comfort zone in the offense and they even protected him a bit this year. They'll pick up some more bodies this year and really fill it out. They will watch as the Patriots play the Eagles in SuperBowl XXXVIII in their stadium. They will eat hot dogs and drink beer. They will see true champions of Chowda defeat loser Cheese Steaks. Victory will be sweet again. My finger will be in the air. Still...the Raiders are nowhere to be seen. These guys delivered the facepaint to your door Colin, apply liberally.

Randie (10-22-0, PF:468, PA:731, TDs:52)

Arizona : Miraculous win over the Vikings to knock them out of the playoffs. The Cards celebrated like the Bad News bears that they are. I'm sure Gramatica blew out his knee jumping around, McGinnis was handing out PBRs, Jeff Blake was packing his bag, and Emmitt was walking around talking about how he owns the rushing title and about how he won the galloping gobbler last year at Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Minnesota was building a collection of crosses to crucify it's entire defense. Zona will be back in the bet next year, with a new coach at the helm and more miserable fans being cooked alive at the beginning of the season. Why do they need a new stadium again? No one's going to show up either way, they suck and it's a waste of fucking money..rant over. Out.
Buffalo : Lets get one thing straight, Drew Bledsoe now officially sucks. These guys had the 2nd fewest points against in the entire bet AND the 2nd fewest points for....next to ARIZONA. Now, it wasn't Henry's fault, he rushed for over 100 yards almost every game. Drew just didn't hold up his end of the deal. Yes there were dropped balls. But there were more overthrown, behind the back, one hopper, hospital passes than the WR corps would like to remember. Yet, they are still bringing him back...but they fired the coach! Somehow it was his fault that Drew cannot release the ball at the right time. The Bills are that abused girlfriend everyone knows. they are afraid to leave the "safety" of Drew Bledsoe, even though he comes home drunk every Sunday and beats them up. Get to a clinic, develop your strength, and run screaming from the stadium...or draft another guys this year to make drew play well for a few games, get injured, and then you can win the SuperBowl and trade him away to say...Arizona. These guys put you in the bag Randie. Think of Drew and Company fondly as you rip arm holes in that Hefty Bag, and cinch the drawstring tightly around your neck...

A word from the overlord:

It's been a long, exciting season, and the dramatic ending was everything I expected when I got involved in this bet. When Shawn called me after the Giants had taken the lead late in the first half, I had no idea what had already transpired earlier in the afternoon - I took a Sunday off football for a change, not wanting to watch another nauseating Raiders loss and feeling confident with a magic number of 1. Needless to say when I got home I turned on the TV immediately, hoping against hope that the Giants would be, well, the Giants. Rooting against a former Gator was bittersweet, but Jesse Palmer's offensive line was so shitty that he never had a chance to get anything going. Thanks Big Blue, you've secured my throne!

With the year the Chiefs were having, I thought I had no chance early in the season, when the Bungles and Corey "I can't drive 55" Dillon were off to the usual 1-4 start. But when Cincy turned it around, and Carolina got on a roll, things really started looking up for me. It's been a blast, rooting for two teams that could otherwise not exist as far as I'm concrned, and who doesn't enjoy screaming at Dick "Don't cry, dry your eye" Vermeil and the Chiefs every Sunday?

In any event, it turned out to be a very competitive bet (except for Randie; heh, your teams eat a bowl of hot cock, bag wearer). I'm looking forward to the payoff night, on a date yet to be decided (don't worry, you'll all be notified when the plans are set - out-of-towners will have time to book flights!). I'm still formulating my plan for world, I mean Bag Domination - I'm thinking I'll probably plan the first series (of bars and drinks, that is) and then make adjustments as the night goes on. One thing's for sure - it will be one hell of a fun night, and I hope to see you all there!

See ya at the payoff, and keep your eyes open for GB2K4, coming soon!
-- Lenny