WEEK 15

What a huge 2-0 week for yours truly! Shawn and I have been seesawing all season, but after a recent slump I've pulled ahead. 15 weeks gone and two to go, and the only thing that's certain was really decided weeks ago - Randie has clinched the cinch sack position. Congratulations Bagman! Stock up on that baby powder. To make matters worse, the Dolphins are working on their regularly-scheduled December swoon as well, so it looks like BOTH of Randie's bag teams' coaches AND his favorite team's coach will be fired after the season... he should get a special trophy for that or something.

As for the other positions, it's still up in the air with four games to play:

J.R., I mean Colin is currently sitting in third place, 3 games back of me and two back of Shawn. He needs a lot of help if he wants to avoid walking around NYC in red and blue face paint (maybe it might look something like this? Thanks to Randie for the artwork.) Theoretically he could still be overlord, but I would have to go 0-4 and he would have to go 4-0, because he won't win a tiebreaker on points... AND, his teams are playing Tennessee, Indianapolis, New England and the Giants. More likely he's fighting for second place, which is possible, but still unlikely.

F. Shawn's guaranteed 1-1 last week dropped him one game back. As he was freezing his ass off watching the pathetic Jets beat the even more pathetic Steelers at the Meadowlands Sunday, I'm sure he was scoreboard watching, wondering whether he would keep his lead... but my teams won two close games to give me the lead. Either of us could be crowned overlord - the only certainties are that it will come down to the final weekend, and Randie will experience the smooth, silky feel of plastic against the skin.

On to the BAGGAGE!

Lenny (17-11, PF:590, PA:601, TDs:64)

Carolina (9-5): Ah, the Panthers. The Teal Warriors have been killing me for the last three weeks, but finally came through with a last-second field goal to beat the hapless Cardinals. Yeah, I know that's like saying you beat your sister in arm wrestling, but it was a huge win for them as they clinched their division, and a much-needed win for me as well. At the beginning of the season, if someone told me that with two weeks left, Carolina would only be one game better than Cincinnati, I would have punched them for not passing ME the blunt. HUGE, GIANT, ENORMOUS bag matchup for these guys vs. F. Shawn and Det-twah next week - that game should go a long way towards deciding a victor. "What's the vector, Victor?" Sorry Colin, that was so good I had to steal it.
Cincinnati (8-6): No-longer-the-Bungles in the hizzie! Chad Johnson must have gotten some bad rock, because he seems to have somehow morphed into a better version of Keyshawn (one that actually scores touchdowns), AND he somehow thinks a dumb sign is going to convince the NFL not to fine him (it didn't work). I can't give him too much shit though, because Cincy is treating teams like Bobby treats Whitney. Even though the cancerous Corey Dillon isn't producing, guys like Rudi Johnson and Jon Kitna (holy shit, I can't believe I just said that - someone pinch me) are stepping up. Tough game at St. Louis next week for these guys - I'm sure F. Shawn will be a Rams fan, at least for one week.

Shawn (16-12, PF:659, PA:620, TDs:80)

KC (12-12): All of the sudden, KC looks fallable after going 3-2 in the last five weeks. Their run defense has more holes than all-girl porn, as evidenced by the smackdown Clinton Portis and the Broncos administered last week (yeah, yeah, they beat the Raiders in that stretch - fuck you KC!). Like Cincy, they've got a tough game and an easier one left on the schedule, going to the noisy Metrodome to play the Vikes this week and closing it out at home against Rex Grossman and Da Bearssss. I'll be rooting hard for Minny this week, and next week, don't count the kid out! After winning in his first NFL start, Rexie is playing with confidence, and I wouldn't be surprised if Chicago found a way to give the Chefs a game.
Detroit (4-10): Wow, these guys really suck... but as bad as they are, they still managed to rush for 137 yards against the porous KC defense. If it wasn't for Matt Millen's gaydar, there would be absolutely no reason to ever mention this team in public. I mean, who the hell ARE these losers? Their leading receiver is some guy named Mikhael Ricks... 'nuff said. 23 straight road losses and counting... here's to hoping they make it an NFL-record 24 next week against Carolina.

Colin (14-14, PF:477, PA:577, TDs:53)

Dallas (9-5): Just when you thought it was safe to write the Cowgirls off, they get a gift trip to Washington and a pathetically easy 27-0 win. Beating these guys isn't saying much, though... I mean, fuck - Tim Hasselbeck's QB rating was 1.7 at halftime. The Foreskins suck so bad that the original cast of "North Dallas Forty" could probably have done just as well. I can just see Nick Nolte putting out the smoke he was having on the sideline so he can go in and catch a TD bomb over Champ Bailey... This week Tuna meets his third former team when the Giants come to town, and Colin better pray they don't decide to actually show up now that Fassel has been fired.
Houston (5-9): Scrappy, but with Dave Ragone as your starting QB, you're probably not going very far. Here's Ragone's line for Sunday: 9-17, 64 yds, no TDs and no picks. While that sucks really bad, he was sacked 5 times too, so the O-line needs some of the blame as well. Carr is likely to start on Sunday, but it won't help. This team's season is over - with Indy and Tennessee left on the schedule, they're 0-2, McNair or no McNair.

Randie (9-19, PF:437, PA:635, TDs:49)

Arizona (3-11): Ewwww. What more can be said about these chumps? They're mailing it in now, and the letter is stuffed with Anthrax. Why Dave McGinnis is still the coach, I'll never know. Then again, why they signed Emmitt Smith, I'll never know either.
Buffalo (5-9): Ah, Buffalo. We've gone on and on in this space about how terrible they were as a #1 pick - "shock and awe" is an understatement - but no team deserves what happened to them Sunday. They were dominated by Billy Volek - yeah, you read that right, and no, you don't know who he is either - yet still had a chance to win late. Bledsoe drives them 81 yards in 9 plays for the score, then short-arms a pass for the tying 2 points. Nice job, dickweed! Bledsoe should go crawl under a rock - if I was someone on their (very good) defensive team, I'd be pissing on whoever I could find on offense in the locker room after the game. Can you say blanket party? Their offense must have been hiding under a piece of styrofoam somewhere with Saddam.