WEEK 13

Ah, back on top this week, even if it is only by points. I thoroughly enjoyed my Thanksgiving, gorging on tur-duck-en (a turkey stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken...what kind of red neck came up with this?) and chuggin beers in the backyard with my brother in law, while the rest of the family chatted it up inside. If only we'd had a tv outside...But I digress. The games that day were not as enjoyable, as the glare on my Mom's tv is absolutely blinding. I basically stared at myself in the tv trying to focus myself on the image instead of my reflection. Felt like I was at the mall trying to make one of those 3D posters work. I may not have been able to focus on the tv, but it looks like things are beginning to come into focus here. Randie is not mathematically eliminated from winning yet. He has 8 possible wins left, and Lenny and I each have 15 wins. If Randie Loses another 2 games the best he can hope for is 3rd. There are oodles of other scenarios with 4 weeks left, but I'd say randie is basically locked up in the cinch sack. Dude, my best advice would be to make lots of air holes and to watch out when you take your first piss of the evening...remember, gravity makes water drain down...watch for spillage. So, the rest of us are playing to avoid drinking face paint all night long.

OOOOOOOOHHHHH the Patriots! How do I love thee, let me count the ways! After riding through CT for 3 hours I was able to catch the end of this game. Thoroughly depressing watching Peyton "every-one-loves-me-even-though-I'm-as-dry-as-white-toast" Manning march down the field and back them up on the 2 yard line. Then 4 consecutive pimp slaps! You get nothing and like it! I danced around Julie's apartment as she backed out of the way of my flailing celebration. I credit Herr Stauch with the following: "I will leave you with this thought: no team in the NFL has played - and won - more games against teams with winning records than the Pats. Denver, Miami, Indy, Dallas, and Tennessee all have fallen to the Pats-basically the entire AFC playoff bracket." OH BABY! I'm giddy! Julie we Pat's fans would all like to thank you and the Jets for beating Tenn. Looking forward to watching McNair come out and beat INDY for their second loss in a row. And I do have to grab that raw exposed nerve and try to clean it off a bit more with a cheese grater...love those Raiders Len. Nothing like having your coach admit that they are the stupidest team in football. That type of revelation in all the papers and on ESPN definitely is a team builder, maybe we could get them those colored SRA packets from 1st grade. They might get past light pink before the end of the season if they try real hard. Or we could get RIFF to show up and hand out those choose your own adventure books. That way they can all make it back to the Super Bowl again...but they can win this time...if they choose page 212 over 115.

On to the results!

Shawn (15-9-0, PF:563, PA:502, TDs:67)

KC : I watched some of this game as I recuperated from the "Budweiser Post Holiday 275" from RI to Brooklyn. There were some great plays, but I've got to say my favorite part of the game happened when a Chief went down with an injury. The announcers were filling time as Dick Vermeil ran out onto the field and check the player as the trainers worked on him and a couple Chiefs and a single Charger stood around watching. The announcer gushed, "You see that? That's why guys love to play for Dick Vermeil! He's out on the field checking on his guy. He cares about each and every one of his players as if they were his own kids." As the announcer is saying all this, Vermeil stands up and locks eyes with the Charger (Wiley). He then proceeds to grab his balls with both hands, and then in a very fatherly way he mouths the words "He got hit in the balls" as the camera focused in on him. The announcer never stumbled, and as he finished his praise, Vermeil did it again because the guy didn't hear him. I laughed myself stupid. High comedy. The guys look good and don't have too many injuries. I checked the rest of their schedule and they have Denver, Detroit, Minnesota, and Chicago. They could go 4-0 or 2-2. Either way I'm limited to only 1 win next week because my teams go head to head.
Detroit : As I squinted at this game with Ed, I kept waiting for them to blow it. I kept telling him that they would throw a key interception or fumble away the win. Ed kept saying "They're a different team on Thanksgiving", and he was right. Harrington did enough to win and did little enough to not lose. they have a fairly gruff schedule (SD, KC, Carolina, St. Louis). They really only have 1 more shot at winning, and that's this weekend (They also shut down WR Charles Rodgers for the season...pussy). I don't know if Flutie the mighty midget is starting, or if Drew "Its-a-birth-mark" Brees will be under center, but they need to win just one for the bagger. I admit I didn't watch much of this as I was obsessed with the 144 beers in the coolers on the patio. We did our best to finish them off, but we had little help. I blame Ed's youngest brother for not pulling his weight. Adam, you're in college for chrissakes, you should be drinking an old man like me under the table! This doesn't mean I have a problem, does it? Let's move on.

Lenny (15-9-0, PF:502, PA:495, TDs:54)

Carolina : They've lost the last 2 weeks but I don't expect this to continue. Just because Kasay looked like he spent all night in the Blue Oyster dancing with Lieutenant Harris, hitting the stalls with the fancy boys, and chuggin Yeunglings, doesn't mean they'll keep losing. The dude is a solid kicker who had a shitty day. Philly is en fuego right now, and all those guys that came down on McNabb at the beginning of the season are having a tall glass of "shut the fuck up". A word about the Carolina fans...Ed and Anne (God they're getting a lot of air time this week ) went to a Panthers game and the guys they were tailgating with deep fried a turkey. I've heard of this before and it's supposed to be good, but talk about some real redneck shit. Their description of the directions was awesome. In one part it read "BE SURE TO DEFROST TURKEY BEFORE COOKING, AS IT MAY EXPLODE AND KILL YOU!" Sweet, nothing like adding some serious danger to the cases of Busch and PBR. The cats remaining schedule (ATL, Arizona, Detroit, and NYG) looks very winable. They could go 4-0 or 2-2, but no worse. I'll be able to match these guys with KC.
Cincinnati : However, this is where I am probably fucked, and why I will probably be wearing a Hanson jersey in January. Fucking Kitna and the rest of these fucks are playing great. Coming back at the end of the game for a big win is not Bengal football. They should've lost that game 6 times over. It's a brave new world, and anyone who didn't believe before this game believes now. They are like the ugly girl in all of the 80's movies that gets the high school hunk at the end (read: Molly Ringwald). No one in the theater is buying it, but you know it's coming. Speaking of this has anyone seen the commercials for the new movie where this black girl crashes an escalade and then the kid at the garage (who happens to go to her school) fixes it for her so she doesn't get in trouble with her parents, and he makes her go out with him so that he'll be popular and have friends? Isn't this just a black version of "Can't Buy Me Love"? I wonder how they'll remake the "You shit on my House man!" scene. Why don't they make a white Barbershop? or a white Friday? or a Menace II Society? They'll all cross over, right? The remaining schedule is not kind to the Bengals (Baltimore, SF, St. Louis, and Cleveland), but they should manage 2-2, which will be just enough to bone me.

Colin (13-11-0, PF:437, PA:498, TDs:49)

Dallas : The Tuna was thoroughly disgusted with the game. Thye did just about nothing right in the second half. Miami really shut them down and beat the snot out of them. I'm sure the 'boys endured some rough practices this week. As Parcells said "You can't call them losers anymore, they're something else now." Well, you can't call 'em winners either Bill. I heard lately that Parcells (a NJ native) is a big Bon Jovi fan. The mental image of Bill rocking out to "Livin' on a Prayer" or "Dead or Alive" in his shorts pulled up over his gut is almost too much to bear. Why don't reporters bring this up in post game interviews. "Ah, Bill, what would your favorite Bon Jovi song be?" "I love everything on 'Slippery When Wet' Tom. I put it on and lose myself in the music". Do you think he had a camaro when he lived in NJ? The remaining schedule gets a bit easier after the next game; Philly, Wash, NYG, NO. They have a good shot at 3-1, but will probably go 2-2, beating the Skins and the Giants.
Houston : Oh, Tony Banks, "never say goodbye"...ah wait, gotta shift gears...there we go...Tony's out with a busted hand and Carr's shoulder is hanging on by 1 tendon and his shoulder pads. Yet, he came off the bench and managed to beat the Falcons with Vick on the field. Touchdown Jesus didn't look like he was making any water into wine last week, and Carr played his guts out, almost literally. I'd say Rangone is going to see some action this coming weekend. I thought the kid was good in college, maybe they can dumb down the offense enough to make him productive. I'd also like to see Hollings get the rock and see what he can do. He didn't have a lot of time at GA Tech, but he looked good when he was on the field. I can't really rag on Houston, they're a likable bunch of underdogs. No jackasses, just a bunch of tough guys that come to play every week. I raise my Bud Tall Boy to you Houston...walk on. The schedule is dire here is they don't have Carr; Jax, TB, Ten, IND. Ouch. If they have Carr they might go 2-2, without him they'll be lucky to go 1-3.

Randie (8-16-0, PF363, PA:531, TDs:40)

Arizona : Oh dude, the bag is soooooooooooooooooooooo uncomforatble! The first and only time I wore it I had to go home and change pants after the first bar because I was sweating so badly. You'd think that Baby powder would help, but it totally doesn't. The Cards got shellacked by Chicago...by Chicago! I know Kordell and the crew are great and all...but come on...these guys are hosed for the rest of the year: SF, Carolina, Seattle, and Minnesota. 0-4, totally fucked. Seriously though, wear really light weight pants or shorts if you can.
Buffalo : This is the way they should've been playing all year. I couldn't tell if they were playing well or if the Giants are just that bad. Fassel is so one at the end of the year, so the the "Good Ship NYG" will have a new leader. The Bills would be smart to pick up a QB of the future...today! Bledsoe's bad luck or bad ahbits have finally been unpacked after the move and he looks as shaky as he ever did in NE. Too bad, Such a nice guy...I liked it when he was a rookie and went stage diving in boston and took out some lady then had to answer for it in the press for the next week. That's when he realized he wasn't a kid anymore...now he may be realizing his career is coming to an end. Henry will be gone next year too. Don't be surprised to see McGahee sneak into a game sooner or later so they can check him out. Final four game sof the tragic season are NUJ, TEN, MIA, and NE. Your fate will be sealed by Arizona before these guys get to put the final nail in your coffin...or cinch on your sack...whatever. So is it going to be a yellow handle or a red handle?