WEEK 12

Sigh... rough week for yours truly. First my fantasy football team is eliminated from playoff contention, then my Raiders lose a heartbreaker (to Shawn's Chiefs no less), and then Carolina loses another heartbreaker (to Colin's Cowboys no less)... unbelievably, I still got to do the write-up based on the total points tiebreaker. It's good to know that everyone else's teams choke too.

Things were pretty much status quo aroud the GB2K3 water cooler this Monday - Shawn, Colin and myself all went 1-1, and Randie went 0-2. As David Byrne would say, "same as it ever was." And you may ask yourself, "How did I pick Buffalo?" And you may tell yourself, "Detroit will start winning soon!"

If you watched the Clemson - Florida State game, er, I mean, the Miami - Washington game, you were treated to a hilarious sight... Miami wore their orange jerseys for the first time. It was pretty fucking nauseating, seeing all those bright orange creampuffs being chased around the field by all that ketchup and mustard. Someone needs to tell Ricky Williams that wearing those jerseys is definitely not going to make it any easier for anyone to forget about the picture of him in the wedding dress with Ditka... um, sure you're straight Ricky!

On to the BAGGAGE!

Lenny (14-8, PF:462, PA:450, TDs:49)

Carolina (8-3): ARGH! Panther Power didn't come through for me this week. After winning 3 straight road games on OT field goals, I can understand Fox's decision to take the sure 3 rather than try for the tying TD with 3:47 to play - their luck just ran out this week, mostly because their defense thought it would be a great idea to get called for two 15-yard penalties on a play that would have otherwise been a Dallas 4th down. Nice job, dickheads.
Cincinnati (6-5): Luckily, I had Kitna's Kitties to back me up. I never thought I'd be calling Cincy's offense "high-powered," but if it wasn't for the Bengals scoring 34 points against hapless San Diego, I would not be doing the write-up this week. 5 wins in 6 games for the former Bungles! Cincy remained tied for first in the AFC North with Baltimore, and they look like they have a pretty good shot at making the playoffs... holy shit, did I just say what I think I said?!? Cincy in the playoffs!?! Right now they're unpacking the snowblowers in hell.

Shawn (13-9, PF:513, PA:464, TDs:62)

KC (10-1): Fuck the Chiefs. Fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck. Fuck you KC, and fuck you Philip Buchanon, you stupid fucking Cane. Damn, the Raiders suck.
Detroit (3-8): 22 straight losses on the road and counting for these douchebags. They have not won on the road in 3 years! Talk about futility... these guys could probably lose a potato sack race with a paraplegic. Joey Harrington threw 4 picks, two of which were returned for touchdowns... Mooch should just put their young QB in already and get him some wor.... oh wait, Harrington's their QB of the future! Methinks their future looks a lot like the Arizona Cardinals.

Colin (12-10, PF:399, PA:445, TDs:44)

Dallas (8-3): Blech. Just when I thought it was safe to start ragging on the Rednexx, they go and beat one of my teams and are now tied for the best record in the NFC. Parcells looked so happy in the post-game press conference that I thought he was going to bend over and try to suck himself off - that's it fat boy, get overconfident now that you finally scored a touchdown. They've got a huge game with Clemson this week - hopefully the Tuna will eat crow.
Houston (4-7): Wow, Houston almost ended the Patsie's winning streak... but thanks to Tony Banks, the NFL's version of Jeff Weaver, New England was able to hang in there long enough for Vinatieri to win it at the end of OT. Houston is the wild card in this bet - I think they are the only team that could really shake things up if they were to get hot. With only 5 weeks left, though, they're running out of time...

Randie (7-15, PF:336, PA:496, TDs:37)

Arizona (3-8): Holy shit! Arizona almost won a game, and against a good team too... but they ARE the Cardinals, after all, so you know they would find a way to lose somehow. It doesn't help that Arizona's defense is softer than the cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" at the Playboy mansion. Despite Emmitt being back from injury this week, the Cards are at Chicago, so they have a chance...
Buffalo (4-7): This team blows it more than Jenna Jameson. You've gotta love (or hate, if you're Randie) a team whose "best offensive performance in over a month" is 14 points. I wish I was going to be in town this weekend - after sitting through the skullfuck that was the Jets - Jaguars game on Sunday, I should be allowed free admittance to The Meadowlands for this week's colossal suckfest between the Bills and Giants just to say I was at the worst two games of the season. I'm only kidding, Buffalo is fantastic... for me to poop on!!!