WEEK 11

Oh snap! Another 2-0 week and all of the sudden I'm the Big Dog. I'm ashamed to admit that, after a blackout-laden Saturday, I did not follow through on my promise to deliver my nuts personally to Shawn's chin after the Bengals beat the mighty Chiefs... I was too busy curled up in a fetal position to gloat. But that's what this space is for, after all!

Shawn had a perfectly dismal weekend, scoring four TDs but winning zero games. He suffered the aforementioned shameful and humbling defeat in a bag-to-bag matchup against me, and Detroit got spanked by Seattle. They're only going to get worse, but luckily Shawn has KC and their pansy schedule to lean on down the stretch. Shawn has reportedly already been shopping for Lions paraphernalia... rumor has it he's got a nice Jason Hanson jersey picked out. Great choice F. Shawn!

Colin found a way to get a the only other win besides my two - how, you ask? Why, courtesy of Randie and his constantly underachieving Buffalo Bills! Houston is scrappy, and they have no business being this good... but Buffalo is pathetic, and they have no business being this bad. Colin's lucky Houston stepped up, because The Tuna got grilled by Belichick and his former team, the Patsies - the loss was about as embarrassing as it's going to be for Colin to try to paint that horrible red and blue steer thing that Houston calls a logo on his face.

Awwwwww - poor Swanberg was winless again this week. The only sure things in life are death, taxes and Randie wearing dark plastic under his clothes this summer. Considering how terrible his teams are, I just don't see how he can recover. Hefty Hefty Hefty! (wimpy wimpy wimpy....)

On to the BAGGAGE!

Lenny (13-7, PF:408, PA:399, TDs:43)
Damn, it feels GOOD up here.

Carolina (8-2): It hurt a little to root against the Ol' Ball Coach, but it was a lot easier because he's coaching a team that wears ketchup and mustard uniforms like the Nolies. Carolina keeps finding a way to get it done, and I am perched squarely on the bandwagon. Monumentally bageriffic matchup with Colin and The Tuna this week - I've already got a Viagra order in for Delhomme and Davis because if the Panthers can keep it up, I'm home free.
Cincinnati (5-5): Let's go BENGALS! You've gotta love a team like this - they've been shitty for so long, but now they've had enough. Chad Johnson guaranteed that they would beat the only undefeated team in the league... and then they FUCKING DID IT! Cincy is tied for FIRST PLACE in the AFC North - if you're a football fan, how could you NOT be swinging from Marvin Lewis' jock right now?

Shawn (12-8, PF:472, PA:416, TDs:57)

KC (9-1): The Chefs have to be wondering just what the hell hit them after an embarrassing loss to my Kitties on Sunday. Their secondary got lit up like a $5 rock in a crackhouse - they made Peter Warrick look like a #1 draft pi... oh, wait, he was a #1 pick. The Chefs better pull themselves together, because the resurgent (leave me alone, I can dream) RAIDERS visit Arrowhead next week.
Detroit (3-7): Yuck. 21 road defeats in a row? Ow Mooch, you're hurting me. We all knew your defense was going to have more holes than a wiffle ball, but you're supposed to be an offsenive guru... dude, your offense smells like teen spirit. Pack it in and start thinking about next year. Detroit is anally raping Shawn's season, and not even giving him the benefit of a reach-around.

Colin (11-9, PF:355, PA:402, TDs:39)

Dallas (7-3): Finally, Dallas is starting to come back to Earth. Colin's mom, I mean Quincy Carter, threw three second-half picks and Dallas ate a goose egg for the second time in 22 days... keep deep-throating 'em Tuna! My Panthers are up next in a late-season, make-or-break bagathon.
Houston (4-6): How do Houston and Buffalo have the same record? It's amazing that these guys are still hanging around. The WNBA's Houston Comets would have been more fun to watch than the Texans' 12-10 win Sunday, but Colin will take it... Dallas and Houston are going opposite directions, so he needs all the help he can get. The Patsies come to town to knock the Rednexx off their pedestal next week.

Randie (7-13, PF:295, PA:449, TDs:32)

Arizona (3-7): Wait, did Arizona even play on Sunday? Oh yeah, they gave up 392 yards to Kelly Holcomb, even though Cleveland released their leading receiver this week and their former starting running back got stabbed by his wife yesterday. I bet the FBI tortures enemy combatants by forcing them to watch this team's games. I'd rather wait on line at the DMV than be subjected to the Cardinals. Arizona is where Garbage Bag contestants go to die.
Buffalo (4-6): Bwahahaha, you got spanked by Tony Banks!!! The Bills haven't scored a TD on offense in three games - monumental suckage for a team that aspired to a division championship in the preseason, even though Moulds was a late scratch and Henry played the second half with a broken leg. It gets no easier with Peytie Pie and the Ponies visiting next week. Still can't get over the fact that these guys were the #1 pick... Arizona may actually end up with more wins than them - 'nuff said.