WEEK 10

Well well well, look how quickly fortunes can change. Reports of my demise in this space last week were greatly exaggerated. I went 2-0 and am right back in the hunt, only one game back of Shawn. On the other hand, Colin must have blown his load on his last write-up, because his teams really felched goats this weekend. Only a pathetic 10-6 victory over Randie's hapless Bills (nice #1 pick; you should paint "Bledsoe" on the back of your cinch sack) saved him from total and utter defeat. Colin's disastrous week is even more delightful because he was so close to triumph - you can bet his little nuts started tingling with delight when the Bucs scored late to take the lead and Houston looked like they were on the road to victory, only to be left with blue balls when Carolina and Cincy both came home with W's. Sorry Colin, looks like you'll have to spend another week unfulfilled and dreaming of what could have been, just like you do when you beat off to your Pamela and Tommy Lee video.

Unlike Colin, Shawn's teams are trucking along. Detroit is like the withdrawal method - they seem to pull it out in the end somehow, despite Harrington and his pansy finger injury. KC once again pummeled a weak AFC team to move to 9-0... ho hum.

That brings us to Randie... what can you say that hasn't already been said? He picked Sam Bowie, um I mean Buffalo with the first pick, his Dolphins' season is in the crapper after an ugly blowout loss to the powder blues from Tennessee, and Larry Coker has lost control of the program down there at scUM. Wear the bag with pride my friend, and remember to apply the baby powder liberally - you'll be sweating a lot.

On to the BAGGAGE!

Shawn (12-6, PF:439, PA:357, TDs:53)

KC (9-0): Jesus Christ, these guys are good. Who could have predicted that a BAG TEAM would be 9-0 after Week 10? Of course they get the benefit of a schedule softer than Charmin with Aloe - at the midpoint of the season, they'd already beaten two bag teams (Houston and Buffalo), and they've got two more (Cincy this week, then Detroit in Week 15) before the end of the season. HUGE head-to-head bagathon with my no-longer-the-Bungles this week - and Chad Johnson is already guaranteeing a victory for the Tiggers. Shawn, there's no reason to believe Cincy will actually win this game, but if they do, I'm coming over to your house to personally deliver my nuts to your chin.

Detroit (3-6): Shawn would be doing this write-up if Detroit's offense didn't smell like Staten Island. Their three wins are against Arizona, Oakland and Chicago, three of the worst teams in the NFL. In this week's thrilling 12-10 victory over The Bad News Bears, their leading rusher was Reggie Swinton with 9 MEASLEY YARDS (they had 17 total), and their leading receiver was Scotty Anderson - where the hell did they get these guys, the set of "Any Given Sunday"? These guys look like Shawn after a night at McSorley's - and trust me, it ain't pretty. Whoever they are, they start a murderous stretch of games this week on the road in Seattle... like a high school cheerleader on prom night, Detoit is fucked.

Lenny (11-7, PF:364, PA:363, TDs:38)

Carolina (7-2): Aw yeah, teal power in the hizzouse! The Bucs shit the bed, and their loss is my gain. T.B. is Carolina's bitch, and the Panthers' pimp hand is strong. In an examplary display of reverse psychology, Colin tried to spew a bunch of bile last week to convince himself that the Panthers are awful, but for all his squawking the Butt Pirates couldn't come through. Carolina is rolling like Mike Price in a hotel room right now, and they have 3 bag games in their last 7 - this team might not lose again.

Cincinnati (4-5): Oh what a difference a week makes! After losing a three-point heartbreaker to Arizona, the Bengals finally got me a head-to-head bag win by beating Arizona. Kitna is on a roll, and while Dillon is cleaning up piss in the locker room, Rudy Johnson is lighting teams up. Cincy has won 3 of their last 5, and one of the losses was by 3 and the other was in OT - you could make a case that Cincy is the hottest team outside of Kansas City right now. Speaking of the Chefs, fuck 'em - I'm with Chad, I'm guaranteeing a victory!

Colin (10-8, PF:343, PA:380, TDs:38)

Dallas (7-2): When is this team going to wake up and realize that the guy playing quarterback is really Colin's mom in spandex? That doofus Carter throws for a piddly 116 yards and their leading rusher was cleaning bus stops two weeks ago, yet they still find a way to win... How? Of course! Nobody takes a dive like the Buffalo Bills. The Cowgirls are 2-0 during Tuna's "Showtime" stretch, but a tough road game next week at New England and a bagalicious home matchup with the Teal Warriors after should should help bring them back down to Earth.

Houston (3-6): Bwahahahaha! Just when you thought Houston was going to put something together, they go and pin the tail on the donkey by losing to Cincinatti. I don't know what it is about Texas that Colin loves (I know it isn't the steers, so it must be the queers), but Houston is making me look good for not taking them. Houston goes from one bag team to another with Buffalo coming up on the road - Colin, I've got some Metamucil and a Depends diaper here for you, you're going to need the safety net by the time this weekend's over.

Randie (7-11, PF:279, PA:393, TDs:32)

Arizona (3-6): Oh man, speaking of Depends - this team needs one of those home enima kits Shawn and others bought me for my 30th birthday. The whole city of Phoenix must smell like Taco Bell at 3 in the morning - like in "Dreamcatcher," Arizona must have a shit weasel. They're a rotting, festering sore, oozing puss all over the Sun Devil Stadium field. I'd be surprised if this monstrosity gets to 5 wins.

Buffalo (4-5): It's not even fun to pick on these clowns any more. Watching Bledsoe trying to tell reporters that he can still play was like watching Rosie say that lying causes cancer - it's so fucking stupid that you can't help but pity them. They haven't scored a TD in 3 games, but the cure for what ails them comes to Buffalo this weekend in the form of Colin's Texans. Bledsoe and the rest of his short-bus rejects play a lot better at home, so hopefully for Randie, their confidence will be much improved after Buffalo sodomizes the Rednecks on Sunday.